“I am I”
“I am I”
“Cybering online = losing your online virginity”
“Mooning someone is like losing your virginity”
“Up your butt around the corner 3 blocks away from Fred’s Manure table!”
“Life is a video game. And I’m the main character, its the best 1st person game you’ll ever get”
“Wrestling is like soap operas, but instead of crying to solve their problems they kick each other’s asses”
“You touch, you die”
“It’s not that I hate reading, it’s just that I hate how other people write.”
“mans don’t have boobs”
I don’t know if it’s just me or not but Katy Perry’s Firework song is strange. Not only does comparing yourself to a 2-second burst of light that is simply forgotten (honestly, do you remember every firework you’ve seen?) a terrible way to try and influence teenage girls into having self-esteem about themselves or whatever, but there’s a completely different way to look at this song.
It’s about a huge penis. A penis that Katy Perry is sucking and is blowing its load all over her face. To make my point clear, I’ll point out all the parts of the song where it can be taken as such in this edition of Dave’s Breakdown.
“Do you ever feel/Like a plastic bag/Drifting through the wind/Wanting to start again“
Obviously this “plastic bag” is a condom. The guy that Katy Perry is blowing has blown his load already and Katy Perry has slapped off this condom so she can get the full taste. She “wants to start again,” after all.
“Do you ever feel/Feel so paper-thin/Like a house of cards/One blow from caving in”
They’ve been at it for so long that both parties are simply exhausted, however they’re still going to go at it cause Katy Perry has a huge rack and its impossible to get unhorny during sex with her. So, one more “blow” and they’re about to cave in and pass out from exhaustion.
“Do you ever feel/Already buried deep/Six feet under/Screams but no one seems to hear a thing”
Six feet under buried under a mountain of cum, it seems like. “Screams” because she’s orgasmed like 15 times already.
“Do you know that there’s/Still a chance for you/‘Cause there’s a spark in you/You just gotta”
Even though they’ve had sex like 15 times already, there’s still a little bit of cum inside this penis. Gotta make it 16, after all.
“Ignite the light/And let it shine/Just own the night/Like the Fourth of July”
“The light” being the huge penis, of course. Let it shine, like sunlight in your face.
“‘Cause baby, you’re a firework/Come on show them what you’re worth/Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”/As you shoot across the sky”
Cause the penis is like a firework and is exploding across Katy Perry’s face. Obviously she’s going “oh oh oh” cause she’s having sex, and once the guy is about to cum she takes the penis out of her mouth and then the cum shoots across the sky, onto her face.
“Baby, you’re a firework/Come on let your colors burst/Make them go, “Oh, oh, oh”/You’re gonna leave before they know”
So, we know this guy is a firework cause he’s blowing up. And his “colors bursting” is obviously his oddly colored semen. And he’s gonna leave before someone knows he was there because they shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing (uh oh!)
“You don’t have to feel/Like a waste of space/You’re original/Cannot be replaced”
Basically this means this huge penis is so nice and big that she could never want another.
“If you only knew/What the future holds/After a hurricane/Comes a rainbow”
The hurricane is in Katy Perry’s vagina with a huge penis storm. After that, a rainbow from this guy’s penis into Katy Perry’s mouth, like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
“Maybe the reason why/All the doors are closed/So you could open one/That leads you to the perfect …”
So I guess they closed all the doors so no one would see them fucking, and the only one open is the bathroom so they can have sex in the shower too. And that is probably the preferred method of sex for her since it “leads you to the perfect.”
“Like a lightning bolt/Your heart will glow/And when it’s time you know/You just gotta”
Meaning you just gotta cum on her face.
“Ignite the light/And let it shine/Just own the night/Like the Fourth of July”
“Turn on the light, I want to see the huge penis in the light now, and just fuck me like you did on July 4”
“Boom, boom, boom”
This is the penis slapping into Katy Perry’s vagina hole and/or mouth. Maybe ass, if she’s into that.
“Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon”
It’s bright because it got into her eye and she can’t see anything but white.
“It’s always been inside of you, you, you/And now it’s time to let it through”
“It” being the cum and its coming out and onto her face.
In conclusion Katy Perry has a huge rack and everything she sings is about sex.
While I’m at work, I get to read Yahoo! News. I’ve got plenty of time to catch up on everything that’s fucked up with the world, and all this stuff with WikiLeaks is going off into this weird place with people asking for the death of the founder and all this other conspiracy-worthy nutjobbiness.
Then comes Yahoo! Health. Every time I read one of their stupid ass articles I get angry. I don’t get angry because of the facts they present. I mostly get angry in the WAY they do it. Most of their stupid articles are about how a hamburger from TGI Fridays is the equivalent to 15 large chocolate smoothies or how an extra-cheese pizza is the equivalent to 29 tofu hot dogs without the buns.
But their most recent travesty of the English language comes in the form of an article named “Is Your Health on the Line?” — and if you couldn’t get the pun in the title of the article its about CELL PHONES!!!! OMG!!!! THE LASER BEAMS ARE SHOOTING INTO YOUR BRAIN AND INTO YOUR PELVIS AND ITS GOING TO GIVE YOU CANCER SO STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AS AN ALARM CLOCK AND START JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR CELL PHONE’S LIFE-STEALING RADIATION!
So I’m going to break down the article piece by piece, mostly by the quotes that I hate.
“Unless you’ve had your cell phone permanently glued to your ear, chances are you’ve heard the recent health buzz: …”
This opening sentence just rubs me the wrong way instantaneously, and really sets the mood for the whole article. “HAHA FUCK YOU” is what the author is saying to everyone who might fit the description. Gross generalizational remarks such as this are part of the reason why I hate writers who try to make their sensationalist bullshit something you should care about.
“… Mobile devices may cause cancer. While it’s true that the National Cancer Institute has ruled them safe, a growing number of independent researchers disagree.”
Okay. So… they “MAY” cause cancer. However, the leading institute of cancer research says its safe. Soooo…. let’s find some random people who can say otherwise, and call them “independent researchers.” Yes, these independent researchers that you’ve never heard of, but now are making statements that can affect your life and tell you what to do. It’s bullshit like this that makes those random idiots out there say “THEY SAY IT CAUSES CANCER.” Who is the ever elusive “they?” “They” are fictitious “independent researchers” (aka experts, apparently) quoted by terrible writers who nominate themselves for Pullitzers.
Now, let’s take a look at how reliable the National Cancer Institute is. Well, look at that, they have a .gov in their URL. http://www.cancer.gov/. So, a fucking governmental institute that has researched cancer as the sole purpose of their existence is not reliable enough to put the issue to rest. So let’s get all the paranoid idiots of the world hyped up about cell phones shooting dangerous radiation into our skulls since there’s nothing else better to do.
“Most phones do comply with the federal standards, but SAR monitors only thermal effects. (In other words, if the radiation from your phone isn’t cooking your brain, it’s regarded as safe.)”
Sensationalism! YES! :zzz: If a cell phone doesn’t FRY YOUR BRAIN it must be safe!! :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: I guess if a cell phone doesn’t signal an airplane to land on your face it’s also safe.
So, apparently there are phones that don’t comply with federal standards, as proven by this article. I would assume if this statement were actually founded, that cell phones that DIDN’T comply with federal standards should be reported. Y’know, since that’s not exactly legal. Or maybe it is. In which case, where can I buy a microwave gun to shoot some people’s ovaries and testicles with so they never procreate?
“But mounting scientific evidence suggests that nonthermal radio frequency radiation (RF)—the invisible energy waves that connect cell phones to cell towers, and power numerous other everyday items—can damage our immune systems and alter our cellular makeup, even at intensities considered safe by the FCC.”
Mounting scientific evidence from the articles own, nameless independent researchers/experts? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!
THE INVISIBLE ENERGY WAVES – OH NOOOOO!! They’re invisible! That must mean they’re bad! Hey guess what, you fucktard. VISIBLE ENERGY WAVES have more radiation in them than RF waves! MIND BOGGLING!
Alter our cellular makeup, so we’re mutating right in front of ourselves? Sweet, when do I get to turn into a puddle of water and hide behind the laundry machines?
“”The problem is that RF can transfer energy waves into your body and disrupt its normal functioning,” explains Cindy Sage, an environmental consultant in Santa Barbara, California, who has studied radiation for 28 years.”
OH LOOK! It’s our first independent researcher. Cindy Sage. Hmm… Let’s see if we can find anything about her. But before that, let’s take a look at the “RF can disrupt its normal functioning” statement. What the fuck does she think we are? Robots? We don’t take signals from a cell phone tower to lift our arm, do we? And another thing, “can” is a very interesting word to use. It’s mostly used when you don’t know for sure one way or the other. Meaning… YOU DON’T KNOW what the fuck you’re talking about apparently.
So, Cindy Sage. Who are you and why do you think you’re so smart? Let’s go look at your web site. http://www.silcom.com/~sage/emf/index.html. Wow. So your web site is all about how you can decrease the intensity of electromagnetic fields… among other seemingly random things. And you charge people for it, obviously. So, I see a conflict of interest here. Why wouldn’t you want people to freak out about EMF bullshit when you make money by decreasing the amount of EMF in a given area. Let’s jump to later in the article:
“We’re going to wireless offices and living in wireless homes. Even beaches and parks are going wireless. We’re exposed everywhere.”
Because the sun never posed a threat in beaches or parks before cell phones.
“The good news is that you don’t need to ditch your gadgets. This advice will let you stay plugged in—and keep you healthy.”
Oh, good. After seven paragraphs of saying how terrible any of these wireless “gadgets” are, you say we can keep them. How terribly contradicting. Yet, it soothes the minds of your readers after you’ve insulted them, because they can’t live without their high tech gizmos and gadgets. I guess Aeriel from Little Mermaid got a brain tumor since she spent so much time with cell phones sailors dropped in the ocean.
“When your phone is on (which it probably is even as you read this) it’s constantly sending and receiving RF signals… The activity really amps up when you’re, say, driving through rural areas. Plus, within the close confines of a car, your entire core is exposed to the radiation.”
Oh no, my tumorous-causing, cancer-causing, soul-stealing cell phone is on and sending my position to the aliens!
I find it very misleading that “within the close confines of a car” you are exposed to MORE RF from your cell phone than if you aren’t in a car. How does a cell phone’s RF signals all of a sudden expose your “entire core” to radiation as opposed to outside of your car? It’s in the same place relative to your body. If anything, the RF signals would be absorbed by the car around you instead of shooting into the 6 year old kid you always seem to have next to your cell phone so you can give them brain cancer. Being in a car doesn’t do anything more than being out of a car. In fact, having your windows closed avoids radiation from a more powerful source of energy – ULTRAVIOLET. Yeah, remember that? That’s actually something to be mindful of.
“The safer solution: Keep your phone off when driving until you really need it, says Carpenter.”
Well, Carpenter is an idiot. How would we be able to desperately call for help in a car crash if our cell phone was off? We’d have to wait 15 seconds for the cell phone to come on, and by then you could have already gone into cardiac arrest. So, fuck that! But, at least the bonus is you don’t have to worry about RF waves shooting into your exposed liver as your bleeding all over your face in an car turned upside down in the middle of the freeway.
“And no matter where you are, avoid holding a cell phone directly to your noggin… and use either speakerphone or a corded headset (not a wireless headset).”
So I guess if I’m in public it’s okay for people to hear both sides of the conversation, not like private information being leaked around is worse for you or anything.
“If you have a smartphone that’s loaded with games, music, and movies, turn your wireless settings off while playing or rocking out.”
I HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY “ROCKING OUT.” FUCK YOU. I AM NOT ROCKING OUT, IT IS A FUCKING SONG THAT I LIKE TO LISTEN TO.
These stealth wireless threats “have become so powerful, they’re often as strong as cell phones,” says Sage.”
My God. They’re like worse than a Stealth B-2 Nuclear Bomber, the way they write this article. At least we can control nuclear bombs.
“Preliminary blind studies have found that, when sitting beside a DECT phone base, some people experienced arrhythmia, a troubling heartbeat irregularity that could eventually lead to stroke or coronary disease, says Sage.”
If RF signals do that by themselves, then there must also be a frequency that stops arrhythmia, too!
“If the whole body is radiated by a router’s RF emissions, the greatest concern is cancer, especially leukemia,” says Carpenter. Also, be aware of your at-home router and any plug-in wireless USB cards you often use.“
So, lets get this straight. Wireless Routers cause leukemia. Cordless phones cause arrhythmia. Cell phones cause brain tumors and/or cancer. Sounds totally real yet so very unproven!
“That Ethernet technology doesn’t leak RF and is often faster and more secure.”
So bad. They make it seem like anything that uses RF technology UNINTENTIONALLY shoots out its RF signals. As if that’s not what it’s designed to do!
“If you just can’t give up your wireless router (e.g., if you live in a home with a handful of computer users), make sure you sit as far away from it as possible, says Crofton, and turn it off at night and whenever you’re not online.”
That defeats the purpose of a wireless router. Sitting as far away as possible from a wireless router gets you shitty reception. Why would you want shitty internet intentionally?
“When you hold your laptop on your lap, what you’re essentially doing is radiating your pelvis,” says Carpenter, …”
And Laptops make you sterile…
…give you testicular cancer…
“For women, adds Carpenter, “the studies aren’t quite there yet, but I think we can say that anything that might cause cancer almost always causes birth defects, so pregnant women—or those wanting to become pregnant soon—should take extra precautions.”
…give you ovarian cancer and makes your babies downy babies. Death to RF! I mean, death to light! Does that make sense?
“The safer solution: Keep your laptop off your lap (if you have to rest it there, buffer it with a sturdy pillow that’s at least six inches thick).”
Because pillows absorb RF light or something? How is a pillow supposed to stop that if it isn’t opaque to RF light? It could be translucent, for all we know, depending on the material your pillow is made of, and the RF waves just go right through the pillows. Not to mention you are creating a FIRE HAZARD by putting your laptop on a pillow and having the laptop heat up and possibly start smoking and blow up and burn you and your pillow and your ovaries and your house down. Smart people are really dumb.
“Try to use a desktop computer at home and treat your laptop as an on-the-go convenience.”
Isn’t the reason that most people have a laptop because they don’t have room for a desktop?
“One thing to keep in mind: Laptops are a high RF radiation risk only while connected to wireless Internet, so when you’re watching a DVD, fiddling around with your photos, or writing that dissertation, just disable your connection and you’ll be much safer.”
Safe from what? The invisible cancer waves? I guess fiddling around with your secret porn collection is just as dangerous in the end, you never know who might see you doing stuff with them, and use that as justification to murder you. Guess you don’t have to worry about invisible threats of cancer when you’re DEAD from an abusive relationship.
“Baby monitors release more RF than cell phones do, and putting them next to a crib is very, very unwise,” says Carpenter. He points to a recent University of Utah study that shows RF radiation can penetrate almost entirely through a child’s brain, which doesn’t form completely until nearly 20 years of age. “It’s very clear from all the existing research that the younger the child is, the more vulnerable he or she is to the effects of RF radiation.”
In one temporal lobe and out the other, I always say (I don’t)! Did all of that “existing research” also say that the younger a child is, the more vulnerable they are to BELIEVING STUPID SHITTY ARTICLES ON YAHOO HEALTH?
“The safer solution: Consider not using a baby monitor. If you absolutely must use one, place it far from your baby’s crib—at least 10 to 15 feet away.”
That way it makes it easier for you to not know if your baby is in need of help! Or makes it easy for some random guy to come in and steal your baby! Guess you don’t have to worry about brain tumors and cancer when you don’t have a baby anymore. Also, if there’s nothing in between the baby and the monitor, THE LIGHT DOESN’T GET ABSORBED. In fact, you’re making sure to shower your baby’s WHOLE BODY with RF waves, and making everything around him absorb RF light as well so they can sleep in an irradiated crib. According to the article’s logic, anyhow.
In conclusion, there is no conclusion. This article is full of stupid crap and is trash. This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever read.
After a hard week at school, davepoobond, Michael Jackson, Mr. Fuckhead, and I decided it was time to get away. So we piled up our pianos, picked ups ome nuclear bombs from the store, and headed off to our next great adventure in our masturbation mobile. After setting our fuck this shit we could finally be on our way! It was awesome seeing the anal missile silo as we sank on the road. The weather was perfect too, wasteful with periwinkle skies.
Everything was going terribly until suddenly oh yes! A zombie leapt in front of our Jamaican jalopy. We all looked at each other in shock, wondering what to do next. Luckily our car was quick to react thanks to the ABS brakes that come standard. What happened next when things got a little short. It led us to its Long Island where it served us tray after tray of delicious Shirley Temple. Bellies full, we said our thanks and headed back to our gatorade where we easily found our way thanks to OnStar’s GPS capability. With awesome fuel efficiency, we didnt’ need to stop for gas; however Mr. Rogers and Michael Jackson were running low on strawberry Nutri-Grains. We flew over to the store to stock up so we would be well prepared for Hell.
69 hours later and we had finally made it! If it wasn’t for the great company, college students in kindergarten, and I hate my life, we wouldn’t have had nearly as 14-cents-worth of an adventure. Fuck! Chevy really does bring people together.
P.S. Fuck you Daily Titan!
There’s this cat, right. And he likes to harass this mouse, see. And there is a pending lawsuit from said mouse to this cat for his constant harassment. This cat is like a bible basher, but worse. He’s a murderer.
The cat is listening to his Def Leppard tunes and getting a tan outside the mouse’s house. But as to not feel like a complete and total loser, he beckons the house to come out of the mouse. Or, rather the mouse to come out of the mouse. It’s all supposed to rhyme or something, but really, its all just pretty terrible.
Since the mouse is a pasty gray mouse, he dotes on the idea of getting a tan in the sun with the cat. But the mouse comes to the conclusion that since the cat is a murdering sociopath and opts to err on the side of caution and not play with the cat. Or his ball that he magically made appear out of nowhere.
So, the impoverished mouse goes back into his mouse hole and lights a barrel on fire to keep warm. He cooks some soup over the barrel and keeps getting harassed by the cat. Then the cat leaves, to seemingly go and masturbate in a corner somewhere as he thought about murdering the mouse.
Instead of being a smart mouse and staying inside and not caring about what the hell the cat is doing, the mouse wonders where the cat is, while just around the corner, the cat waited, erect with anticipation.
Then the mouse decided it was a good idea to go get a prostitute at this very moment because he had nothing else better to spend his life savings of cheese on and left his house thinking the cat didn’t see him. But the cat did, so in a murderous rampage, the cat chased the mouse around the house, breaking some stupid lady’s vase and tearing up a chair’s skirt. Along the way, the bird was molested by the cat and had relationship problems for the rest of his life.
The mouse hid behind the chair then taunted the cat as he was fondling the bird. The cat chased after the mouse again and then along the way the cat pissed into the fish’s bowl. Whoever owned this cat sure like to buy a lot of pets that this cat would want to kill. Seriously, what cat owner has a bird, a fish, AND a mouse?
The mouse ran back into his house and then taunted the cat to get inside the small hole. To which, the stupid cat tried to shove his face inside, but lo and behold, the cat couldn’t fit his stupid face inside. So he tries to shove his tail inside, like that would do any better.
The mouse taunts the cat with earl gray tea. Too bad they can’t sip tea over the fire he’s got going in his little house. So the cat asks the mouse to come out and give him tea, but the mouse won’t so he sits in his little chair and drinks tea from a bowl and eats his cheesecake. Then the mouse made a sign and put it in his yard that says “NO CATS.”
Then the mouse suffocated due to carbon monoxide inhalation, cause he lit a fire in his house for hours on end and didn’t think it was a good idea to have a proper ventilation shaft installed in his mouse hole.
Once upon a time, there lived a magnificent civilization under the sea. While you might be thinking it is a society of merpeople or single fish, you are wrong. This society was created by mammoths. Mammoths wearing scuba gear.
Everyday they would refill their oxygen tanks at the Oxygen Station. They would comb their hair and eat pop-tarts for lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast. They would eat water for breakfast.
So, anyway, humans evolved and started shitting on the ocean and dumping their Twinkie wrappers in the middle of the Pacific like assholes.
This soon created a Trash Island that became as big as the Pacific itself. Eventually, the Insectoid Empire declared the Trash Island as their sovereignty and announced war against the humans. After a long, arduous game of Monopoly, the humans lost and agreed to fly to the moon and remake their society there since no one gives a shit about that place.
The Insectoid Empire enjoyed a long and prosperous reign on land but they wanted more. The Ocean Mammoth embassy on the Trash Island gave the Insectoid Empire an idea. Why not take over the Ocean Mammoth civilization?
A surgical strike at the mammoth’s Oxygen Stations sealed the deal and soon enough the streets of the Ocean Mammoth civilization were filled with drowned mammoths. Eventually large schools of barracudas and piranhas came and ate all of them and destroyed all of their inventions, losing all of their technology forever.
The Insectoid Empire relished this victory and soon became an imperialistic power taking over one planet after the next. They were parasites after all.
Moral of the story: Foreign dependence is bad.
One day, an irate king felt it was necessary to declare economic warfare on his neighboring, rich, kingdom full of goody-do-gooders and twody-shoesters. He hired a mercenary to go and find a secret, yet silent way to eliminate Rich Kingdom’s wealth and make Irate Kingdom supercede it.
This mercenary was actually a double agent for Rich Kingdom and he told Richie, the King of Rich Kingdom what Irate King was planning on doing. After rewarding the mercenary with two hot lesbians for his loyalty, the king had a perfect plan for countermanding Irate King’s verdict.
Locked in the deep dark dungeons of Rich Kingdom lie the Boy who Ate Diamonds. They call him BAD. BAD was living off lesser carbon densities during his stay in the dungeon, such as coal. Richie King unlocked the doors to BAD’s cell and gave him a chance of freedom.
His mission: eat the diamonds of Irate Kingdom and destroy their wealth. BAD screeched and ran out into the world, never to be seen again. Rich King felt like a dumbass, he just let a crazy psychotic who ate diamonds out of jail!
Moral of the story: Think twice about how to pre-emptiviely attack someone who wants to destroy you.