You Might Be a Redneck If…

You Might Be a Redneck If…

…you are one armadillo away from a new pair of boots.

…you clean your fingernails with a stick.

…you never need a menu at Dairy Queen.

…something hisses at you every time you peer into your crawl space.

…the Salvation Army declines your mattress.

…your four-year-old grandson has ever said, “mommy won’t let me light the fireworks with grandpa’s cigarettes anymore.”

…you always take a penny but never leave one.

…your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

…your child’s first words were “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”

…your wife’s “indoor voice” can be heard a block away.

…someone hits your parked car and you don’t care.

…your idea of talking during sex is “Ain’t no cars coming, baby!”

…your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

…you regularly light your cigarettes off a stovetop burner.

…you use a ShamWow as a doily.

…your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

 

Joke #11370

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toenails, so I bite them instead.”

 

Joke #9184

Traffic was heavy on the service road to the airport. Our bus driver signaled to change lanes so he could overtake a slow-moving car. Just as he got ready to pass, the driver of the car put her arm out the window indicating she was going to move left. Our driver drew back and waited for her to change lanes but she didn’t. After a minute she pulled her arm back in.

When we tried to pass her a second time, the woman again held out her hand only to withdraw it a minute later. “C’mon, lady, make up your mind,” our driver mumbled. Finally, after four false starts, we sped past her car. I looked down to see the woman painting her fingemails. As she finished each nail, she waved her arm out the window to let the polish dry.