Joke #18407

In my job as an electronics salesman, I’ve seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy.

One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD’s, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, “Does it get cable?”

 

Dave’s Notes: Sylvester and the Magic Pebble

This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series Dave's Notes

There was this stupid kid named Sylvester Duncan and he had a hobby of collecting pebbles.  What a douche.  Honestly, he couldn’t figure out something better to do with his time?  Did I mention he was a donkey?  No?  I guess I spoiled the midway surprise if you read this without any pictures attached like I did.

So, anyway, this donkey liked to collect pebbles.  He found a magic pebble that was enchanted by a novice wizard who was getting used to new incantations on the hill nearby Sylvester’s home town.  This wizard was probably a gopher, and he’s not in the story at all.  But you know he’s watching…

Sylvester is so happy when he finds this pebble because he wants to be a geologist one day and he would be the first donkey geologist anyone had ever conceived for a fairy tale.  He was going to be famous!  Sort of.

Anyway, this pebble grants wishes and he wished for stupid shit to happen, mostly to do with the weather.  As he was skipping along on the way home, instead of using the pebble to travel around wherever he wanted, like a smart donkey geologist would, he encountered the hobo murderer lion that lived on Strawberry Hill — and he had an appetite for stupid donkey geologists such as Sylvester.  He just ate the giraffe seismologist and he wasn’t too filling.

So, like the dumb donkey he is, he wishes that he was a rock and loses grip of the magic pebble.  Well, now Sylvester is a rock.  I told you he was smart, now he gets to see how life is like being a rock.  The lion takes a piss on him and leaves him to die.  If only the lion knew the power of the magic pebble, he’d be a respected and unfeared member of the animal populace.  He’d also have fairy tales written about HIM.  But I guess not.

So, Sylvester fell asleep for 20 years.  During that time, his parents looked for him, but it was all for naught.  After three almost-divorces and taking the lion to court for kidnap and murder three times (there was no such thing as double jeopardy in Oatsdale, but there was something called justice and parental negligence), the Duncan Donkey parents forgot about their son and tried to live on without him — which wasn’t hard.  They turned his room into an exercise room and tossed out his shitty pebble collection.

So, one day the Duncans went for a picnic and a screw on Strawberry Hill where they started remembering about their son from 20 years ago.  They found a pebble on the ground which just happened to be the magic pebble and wished that Sylvester was there, so they could beat the shit out of him for leaving the house all those years ago for a stupid hobby.

Hark!  The rock Mr. Duncan had his ass on turned into their son and they beat the shit out of him like they wanted.  They dragged him home by his ear and locked him in a cage.  They put the magic pebble in an iron safe so that no one would wish for stupid shit anymore and because the Duncans were already rich from the Duncan vs. Oatsdale Police court case where the Duncans charged the Oatsdale Police with conspiracy for covering up the disappearance of Sylvester.

Little did they know, the lion would get a lawyer to prosecute the Duncans for defamation of character in the disappearance cases and would retain all of the Duncans’ possessions once they found out Sylvester was trapped in the Duncans’ house.  Which meant Sylvester would get put into slavery (since he became a possession) and the magic pebble would sit in a locked safe owned by a lion who didn’t know the combo.

This whole time, the gopher wizard was sitting at home watching Street Sharks on DVD and enjoying the company of his gopher prostitutes.

 

How to Make a DVD

davepoobond: I’ve been through a lot of shit, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do to make a DVD and how I can make a DVD full of movies that me and my friends have made. This is what I have to tell you through my experience

 


1. To have interactive menus, you should have a DVD authoring program, such as Sonic MyDVD, or Ulead MovieFactory. They convert your files into MPEG 2 for you, which is the format you must convert your movie files into, so you can burn it onto DVDs, so they play in most DVD players. Anyway, don’t encode your movies into mpeg 2 using those programs, because you’ll only be able to fit maybe 2 hours or less of footage on there (you won’t be able to change the quality of the video either). If you want 3 or more, then you should get a separate program that converts avi files to MPEG 2. I suggest that you get TMPGEnc Plus (for the encoding), which is a great program. I’ve
downloaded several others, and this is the only one that is free (for 30 days at least), works fast, and best of all has no watermark. You can get it at

www.tmpgenc.com

 

2. Once you get all your files into avi format, put them through TMPGenc, as according to this guide on www.dvdrhelp.com (which is an absolutely faaaaabulous website for anything DVD, VCD, or SVCD related. Its got an enormous amount of information for this kind of stuff)

 

http://www.dvdrhelp.com/tmpgencdvd.htm

 

but instead of having 1:1 VGA, I put 4:3 display. I don’t know if it makes a difference on the TV, but the 4:3 display makes the black bars smaller (as opposed to the 1:1 VGA). The only thing that it affects is when you view the mpeg 2 files themselves (not from the DVD), on the computer. If you’re
going to want to see your movies on your computer at all, you should make it 1:1 VGA then.

 

3. Once you get it all into MPEG 2, put it into your DVD authoring program, you’ll be able to pack a lot more movie time into it, as opposed to if you did it with just the DVD authoring program. I used the TMPGEnc DVD Author program (at the same link above). Also, all this information took me 2 months
to gather, because its hell trying to find a free AVI to MPG2 program without a watermark that you can use for an unlimited amount of video time. Most have a watermark or have it only for 1 minute or 5 minutes or something for maximum conversion time. It’s the goy.