softhestone – v. to give away cigars on election day
“Give girls a cigar, not a cigarette.”
– from a spam mail
You can’t win. As soon as somebody invented a good five-cent cigar, scientists discovered that smoking causes cancer.
Farmer: “Yes, this is a tobacco plant, sir.”
Martian: “How long before the cigars get ripe?”
detra – v. to eat a cigarette or cigar
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.
Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequilai Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!
Guy: No shit!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before…
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…
Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead anyway!
Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays…
vist – n. a “mist” of cigar/ciggarette smoke
cigarice – n. rice that smells and tastes like cigar