Joke #18530: Message From the Duke of Wellington

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON

Written from Central Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance…

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,
Wellington

 

To Hell With Your Month-Long Holidays!

I hope its not just me, but I find it unbelievably pretentious to name a whole month after a super-specific idea.  It pisses me off every time we hit Black History Month.  Excuse me, I think that month is actually called FEBRUARY.  Sorry if I don’t think your stupid cancer awareness or asian pacific heritage deserves one twelfth of the year to be devoted to your seemingly important cause.

These kinds of holidays should only be allowed to claim one day or at most one week of the year.  There are 365 days.  Pick ONE of those, you greedy assholes.  I hear there’s a bunch of days in August where nothing happens, how about one of those?  Why do I have to hear about your sanctimonious bullshit for a whole god damn month?  We get it.  You want us to learn about you. Wah wah cry me a river.  Why don’t you go do something meaningful with your time rather than parading around saying “OH IT’S CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!”

Shit.  I wasn’t aware of cancer.  But I sure as hell am now considering there’s a whole fucking month named after it.  HOORAY!

Just looking at the list of month long holidays on Wikipedia, I’m astounded half of them exist.  Here’s a current list of stupid bullshit month-long holidays:

American Heart Month • Asian Pacific American Heritage Month • Black History Month • Cancer Control Month • Child Abuse Prevention Month • Confederate History Month • Gay and Lesbian Pride Month • Jewish American Heritage Month • National Breast Cancer Awareness Month • National Disability Employment Awareness Month • National Hispanic Heritage Month • National Nutrition Month • Ramadan • Steelmark Month • Women’s History Month

I’m giving you the big FU to all of it.  I am now founding “I Hate Month-Long Holidays” Year — and it’ll be the whole year long every year until the rest of time.  How do you like that????

It’s also amazing to me that you only care about preventing child abuse one month out of the year, but the rest of the time its a-okay (unless you get caught)!