::Blare is throwing food in the trash while davepoobond is watching TV::
Blare: Hey. When do you eat?
davepoobond: Huh? “When do I eat?”?
Blare: Yeah. Like, I see you, but I never see you eat.
davepoobond: I dunno.
Blare: Do you?
davepoobond: What? Eat?
– at davepoobond’s apartment, 6/16/07
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we’d like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, “Yes, what do you have?”
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, “I have pickle juice or water.”
When the lease on his apartment ran out, Mr. Hardy called the “Poltergeist Moving Company.”
After waiting three days, however, no one showed up.
“When are you leaving?” asked the landlord anxiously.
“When the spirit moves me,” replied Mr. Hardy.
“I can probably get my free mileage, where’s the apartment?”
– Mrs. Stickums
“uno…in my apartment”
– Mrs. Price Check
So there was this old crazy man and an equally old and crazy woman who lived together but weren’t married. Friends with benefits, let’s call it.
Unfortunately, they got screwed by social security because of their marital status and were miserable all the time. They were also terrible company to each other because they both had terrible personalities.
So, the woman tells the man she is lonely and wants a cat. What that actually means is she wants to fuck other 120 year old men. She was into older guys.
So, since the old man didn’t want to lose the only vadge he’s ever had the opportunity to service, he went on a long trek to the pet store to get a cat…or a million cats. Did I mention he was nuts?
So he got to the pet store and the pet store said the only place that has a million cats is Cat Hill. It was a refugee camp for cats that had been created by the Croation government in Southern California.
So the old man goes to Cat Hill and, since he can’t see very well, thinks every cat is as pretty as the next. He can’t pick just one, so he becomes a Moses for kitties and leads them to the promised land of Van Nuys, CA, back to his apartment.
Along the way, the cats, like a plague, drank up whole water reservoirs and ate all the grass that managed to grow in the SoCal desert.
When he got back home, Jerry, the next door neighbor climbed out the window just before he came.
In her sexy nighty, the old woman was seemingly unsurprised that the old man would bring a million cats back with him. Did I mention he was nuts?
So, the lady said they could only keep one because housing refugees doesn’t get any tax breaks. So, the old man asked the cats (did I mention he was nuts?) which one was prettiest.
After some civil deliberation, a white cat shot a black cat and everyone started eating each other. They were hungry, after all. So the old man and woman went inside the house and didn’t watch the slaughter taking place in front of their apartment — they opted for a different type of slaughter: A Raider’s football game. Then they watched Fraiser, cause they’re old.
When they came back outside, the only cat left alive was a small, thin, and scraggly kitten.
So, they took in the cat and kept it. Little did they know, the cat was a mastermind feline felon (get it?) that had planned the genocide of his cat brethren without being tried for a war crime. So he lived with the old man and old woman until they died (read: got murdered by a cat) and then the cat inherited all of their shit, went back to Eastern Europe and resumed his tyrannical rule of Purrrrrrsia.
“For the last ten years my mother-in-law has been living with my wife and me in the same aparttment.”
“So, why don’t you tell her to get out?”
“I can’t. It’s her apartment.”
New Jersey is the “buildingest” state in the Union. Apartment complexes go up so fast, it’s not safe to nap in your own backyard. You could wake up under a parking lot.
toukhomlam – n. a 40 year old still living in an apartment that never had a wife or husband