What I Should Write About?

This entry is part 1 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

This was originally written on nearly 40 sheets of quarter-sized paper. I wrote this while I was at work, because I had absolutely nothing to do. At all.

What should I write about? How about how my crappy job is today and tomorrow? So, today is a part of Thanksgiving vacation, as we get the whole week off. I work today for 6 hours and tomorrow for 8. If that isn’t shitty enough already, I have to be cashier today and do inventory tomorrow. I can’t even stand 3.5 hours of cashiering; let alone thinking I can survive 6. And they’re going to throw me at doing inventory for 8 hours, too? I don’t even know how to do it or what it is. I guess you just have to count all the shit in the store no one is going to buy this week. No one is going to fucking come today, everyone is out enjoying their families while mine go out on an RV trip (which I have no interest in going on anyhow) and won’t actually see them until Thanksgiving (which is somewhat good, since they’re all annoying in their own stupid ways). You will never find anyone as stupid as them, frankly.

I’m amazed I came out the way I did, given the circumstances. I know I’m already pretty messed up because of them, but I think I’m a’right. At least I’m not as ignorant as some other people in the world, but I know I’m probably still just an ignorant American who will become stereotyped for being an idiot that voted for Bush (I voted for Kerry). Damn foreigners, think that we’re ignorant, when they’re just as much.

Well, anyway, here I am writing and griping about the world now, and it all started with my job. There is literally nothing to do but write this, and look pleasant when one of the supervisors walk by. This is a shitty establishment, I must say. They definitely need a total reorganization of the store, their rules, their everything, from the ground up. Any “improvements” or new rules they make up just break down in the end.

I’m going to get fired anyway, and it wasn’t even my fault. Let me start at the beginning since I have exactly 5 hours and 11 minutes to go. We had this meeting about a month ago, which the main purpose of these meetings is to gather around in a big circle with all the other cashiers in the department, listen to Chuck, my boss, “remind” us about some particular rules such as fire safety, sexual harassment, the like. But the main purpose of this particular meeting was to show all the things we did wrong. It was funny at times, but it was pretty bad. There were credit slips not signed (the only truly bad thing that was shown, as the rest were just byproducts of their stupid procedures unique only to this store and no other). Oh God, they’re playing Locomotion now on the PA system, and someone else sang with it a little as they passed by me. The infection melody is making me tap my feet!

Well, anyway, one of the credit slips not signed was mine. It was for 212.59, the second highest quantity not signed. When I looked at the date that was on the receipt, it was from August, the day before the first day of school. It was basically my first day on the job not training. So, I didn’t blame myself, as I was trying to get used to the system. Since then I hadn’t had any other mistakes. I should be “Employee of the Period of Time Between After the First Day of Non-Training and Eternity,” but I wasn’t. So, after the meeting, he told everyone to talk to him about the status of their employment the next week. When I went in, he told me I hadn’t been late ever, and I hadn’t missed a day of work. The only thing that tarnished my record was the stupid credit slip. So, I was put on PROBATION, which sounds worse than it actually is. You don’t get a parole officer or anything, you just have to sign a piece of paper saying you acknowledge you fucked up, and if you fuck up again, they’ll fire you, take your first born, as well as your soul, and any copies of Death Race 2000 (co-starring Sylvester Stallone) you may have. Oh look a customer. She walked past me…well, she asked me a question, if we had disposable cameras, and then if we had any with flash. Who needs flash anyway? If you’re in bad light anyway, its not going to come out well anyway. The flash is used to soften the light. Well, I sent her to the other end of the store, saying we might have some with flash over there. Hopefully she won’t come back and give me a smug look for sending her into the wrong area. Teeheehee. Well, on to the reason I’m getting fired.

After getting on probation, about 30 days in (after 90 days, you get out of probation), a guy came with his daughter to buy a visor and a shot glass. His daughter was about 3 or 4 years old, and after the purchase, he said to her “yeah, daddy’s going to go take some shots when he gets home.” Instantly, I thought “this guy is a jackass, talking about taking shots to his daughter.” I wonder how many times he molested her when he was drunk. Well, after he left, I found that he never gave back the credit slip he signed. “Oh FUCK” I thought. “Now I’m going to lose my shitty minimum wage job with no benefits with shitty break times.” Speaking of which, we only get 10 min. breaks and 30 min. lunches. That’s what happens when the store isn’t unionized. I won’t talk about unions just yet, but they’ll be dealt with in due time.

So, now its 10:35. I started writing at 10:09 a.m. Only 2 transactions the whole time. Well, I just had 5 more transactions since I wrote that. Kinda funny really. Unions are ghey. There, I dealt with them. In alterance to unions, I propose Alliances, which will work for the betterment of its workers while not trying to tell them what to think/vote. Who says you have to go on a strike or vote no on a particular proposition just because your union says so?

Most people are stupid. When I finally realize this, analyze this, accept it as fact, do I become a better person myself? No, it doesn’t it makes me something different. Something…else. It’s the kind of people that ask where something in particular is when they’re standing right next to it, or they want a big honking bag for some item they can hold with no problem, or they want to give the EXACT change and hold up the line just so they can get rid of a dime and get 4 pennies (what’s the use in that?) back, or shop after they bought something, or ask if I’m “open” when I’m standing next to the cash register doing nothing.

“Are you open?”

“No, I’m not, I just like to stand by this fucking cash register like a jackass and watching paint peel off the ceiling that has no paint on it.”

That’s what I would love to say to them. They also ask if they “can pay for this here.” No, you can’t, you have to suck dick for it here.

I guess I can’t TOTALLY blame them for the infectious confusion that rampages in this store. There are registers spread out throughout the place, and the different sections make it sort of imply you have to buy things in that section at that register, which you don’t. I blame the store for the shitty placement of its registers. If they just put registers AT the exits instead of sort of near them, it would work better.

10:57. The time just keeps rolling by, don’t it? I hope I have enough paper to write on. I don’t think I could go on more than 20 minutes without it right now. Another shitty thing about this store is the hours. They usually only give about 4 to 8 hours a week to me. I don’t know if they’re trying to slowly ween me off because I’m going to get fired after they need me to cover for Thanksgiving. Maybe they won’t fire me. Its been about 3 weeks since then.

There’s this weird 25 year old “janitor” guy with this huge afro. He’s not even wearing a Cal State Fullerton uniform. Who is he? He’s been here for like an hour. He might be plotting…to steal from the registers…or kill me because I’ve got the power to see things clearly and how they are. Therefore, these may be my dying thoughts. If this makes it on Squackle, I guess I’ll be fine, unless someone assumes my name as successor to my creation and not announce my true demise.

11:06 now. What else do I have to write? I started out not knowing at all, but I got this far didn’t I? Man, I really have to blow my nose. They don’t have anything here I can use. If I were to go to the bathroom, chances are, with my luck, someone will be looking for me so they can buy their stupid shit. NO ONE IF FUCKING HERE! I CAN ACTUALLY HEAR THE MUSIC THEY PUT ON EVERYDAY, the same EXACT ones, from the same genre: classic rock. And its stuff from the 60s, 70s and very early 80s. Nothing too spectacular.

I am the almighty. I am the successor to the world’s throne. Bow down to me! Can you even understand this? Do you speak English or is English the language they made to contain me here in this world they created to keep me down? Is this why I don’t travel ever? Not because I don’t want to, but because they trained me to not want to go anywhere but a few miles away from home? Is that why I’m going to a local college? Are people even people? Or are they video cameras watching my every move.

11:17. Wow, that was deep for only 11 minutes. I wonder what other crazy shit I’ll think of…

11:18 I think I may run out of paper. I only have about 30 other pieces. I’ve already used 13 in less than 2 hours. 2 freaking hours, GOD DAMMIT. The time of the year that shows our colors more than the 4th of July, the Holiday season is nigh. Its not even Thanksgiving, and its all about Christmas/whatever people buy things for, as always. This time of year shows what we value the most: Gluttony, materialism, and the empowerment of corporations. One day government and corporation will be the same, I believe. Whether either turns into the other or not.

Corporations care nothing more than making money. If they had a billion dollar profit after expenditures each day, they would still want more. The reason why the media is so nice to the government is because the FCC is about to deregulate the media’s owning limits and unleash their terror across the world. They’re nicer to the Bush administration than they should be because Colin Powell is in the administration, and his son heads the FCC. But now that Powell resigned, who knows what’ll happen? I hadn’t deducted that myself, however. I have to give credit for it to (BOY CRIED IRAQ LINK). Its something that everyone should read. It took me a good 2 hours to read, and is definitely worth it to see what path we are going down. However, it makes assumptions that there were actually terrorists behind 9/11 and Osama did it. I have my reservations about this, but I’m not very likely to side with Osama, since he clearly wouldn’t care if I had these thoughts. At first, he was saying he didn’t conduct 9/11, and then took responsibility. Why would he do that? He would be too proud of what did to say he didn’t do it. But, how am I supposed to know how he thinks? He may have just as well done it. Or maybe Bush did it so he could take our rights away. Maybe gun control is a bad thing, as according to this page (NWO THING), it talks about how in the New World Order, ruled by rich white asshole fascists who would love nothing more than having everyone do as they say and never say anything against them, have the agenda of creating the world into hell.

12:23 Well, I came back from my shitty break. I was watching some of Laguna Beach, while I was in the break room. This show is complete bullshit, I’ll tell you flat out. It is NOTHING like reality at all. How can any of those rich kids act normal when there are cameras around them all the time, and cars with the filming crew following them everywhere. How does it even make sense?

I’m writing this with a small, very expensive pen right now. I shouldn’t be writing with it, but I am. What are they gonna make me do? Buy it? No. This proves that any pen you buy may have been used by someone else already, and you wouldn’t even ever know it. It could amost be out of ink, but what are you gonna do? Nothing.

12:28 I stopped writing with that pen. It hurt me. Why would anyone make that pen? Must be for people with no bones in their hands or really small bones.

12:29 Why do I even need this freakin job? Its not like I work enough to make it worth my while. Inventory tomorrow is going to be a bitch. Speaking of bitches, this devil girl who complains to no end, and has her eyebrows pointing directly up at the ends, like a vampire, was talking about how they were sending people home early when they were inventorying, where I’m going to be tomorrow. She was screaming about how she wanted to go home and shit. Maybe they’ll send me home early so I can jack off. Or something of that sort.

12:33 This is my 18th page. Aren’t you happy for me? What else is there to talk about? I’ve been to the world and back again with this rant. Another thing I hate about cashiering is people who don’t have their wallets out already to pay. Its like they think they’re going to get what they want for free. Its not that its just in their back pocket, I have no problem with that. Its when its buried in the portal to Hell they call their backpack, purse, satchel, or fannypack. They watch me ringing everything up and don’t get their wallet out. And when they look for it, they can’t find it, so I’m waiting 5 minutes and they still can’t produce. Also another thing is how people store their money. 85% have wallets, which is good. The other 15% have it crumpled up in their pocket or in an envelope (like they just came from the bank and couldn’t exert the energy it takes to crumple it up or put it into a wallet) and then insist on finding some change to take even longer. If they want to get rid of their change so badly, why don’t they just dump it all out and then pay the rest off with a bill? That’s the only way you can get rid of change efficiently.

12:42. I guess its working, its been 3 hours so far, and I haven’t died yet. What’s working, you may ask? Well, that’s the beauty of it. It is.

12:44. I’m ashamed to admit it, but whenever I work, I have to wear an apron. Yes, an apron. I have to wear it, because I “work at a book store, and book store employees wear aprons.” Bullshit. Just because other book stores have their employees wear aprons, doesn’t mean we have to. We are more than just a bookstore, we sell clothing and supplies, too. Granted, the books are the biggest and most important part, we’re not solely a bookstore. Fuck this store.

12:46. Nose and Elias are coming back tomorrow. I haven’t seen them for a while, so it’ll be interesting to see how they’ve been. Can’t find too many bigoted, movie and music loving, food appreciating friends such as them.

12:49. had another transaction. The guy used a credit card for a 2 dollar purchase. Sometimes it makes me kind of mad that someone doesn’t have 2 dollars to buy eraser refills. They have to use a card for it. …………

If my boss were to find this 21 page rant, I’d probably get fired on the spot. Maybe I should leave it on his desk. Mwahahahahahahaaaa.

12:52. I’m not going to give this to my boss. They’ll probably send me to the psychiatrist again. They’ll never take me back! NEVER! I was never there to being with…

12:55. There are only 14 possible more pages of this before I go onto the colorful pages. When someone is looking for scratch paper, they’ll be screwed. Haha. Hallelujah, I found 3 more pages, and a stack a mile high of pink pages. I’m set for the oncoming hours.

12:57. Wasn’t it Halloween just last week?

1:01. One o’clock hooray! Only 2.5 hours!

1:02 Does having a baby when you’re 60 constitute creating an old baby? I feel sorry for this kid sucking on a big saggy tit and not knowing the difference between sour breast milk and good breast milk. Anyway…

1:04. its amazing how much I’ve written. I could publish this as a book, sell it with the gimmick being some sort of new philosophy and make a profound impact enough as to make me famous, have a wealthy sum of money and have people analyze my work in-depth when there is nothing more than the face value I present. Should I try it? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t think anyone would care, they’re too into Plato and Descarte, those losers.

1:09. Geez, reading back, I can’t believe what I wrote. Talkinga bout the world being ignorant all the way to how my family sucks. And I will gain nothing by the end of the day.

1:10. I have decided this is now an endurance contest, to see how much I can write and for how long, time-wise. I commend you. You actually want to see if this will go anywhere. I won’t lie to you, I hope it does, too. I doubt it will though. Why are they even open today? No one is buying anything! I get like one person every 30 min. Borrrringggg.

1:13. Borrrrrrrrrrrringggggggg….

1:14. I just let one rip. It was smelly. Luckily NO ONE IS HERE….pew…smelly…

1:16 That guy with the afro is back…he went into the bathroom. Probably to get his AK-47 out of the urinal. He picked the wrong day to rob the store, none of the cash registers even have that much money in it.

1:18. I started to put bags away because it was fun for about 30 seconds. Then there wasn’t any left, and I got bored of putting bags away.

1:19. I don’t like it when people make money jokes or “signing credit slip/agreement” jokes. They’re all the same, stupid, and shows me even more that people are stupid. Earlier, someone was wearing a Christmas sweater and you could hear bells every time they walked. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Asian Santa Claus’s wife? MAN!

1:22. None of the stupid supply reps are even talking to me. This is horrible. I think its finally coming. I’m going crazy and I’m getting tired of writing. Why meeeee?

1:27. Wel, I got over my little breakdown, I think… I have to pull myself together…I think that the supply reps are onto me about what I think about them…them being stupid…

1:30. I think I have figured out the hierarchy here. There is the head honcho, Jerry. Then, in each department, there is a manager. Each manager has their own stooge/bitch that initiates all the things that need to be done in each department. The biggest and most powerful out of the departments are the cashiers, which I am part of. The stooge under the cashier manager (Chuck) is Jerry B (a different Jerry). He has a group of bitches called “receptionists” which are basically the Elite Cashiers. That’s it.

1:34. There is a hollow part in the wall I usually lean against. Rather, a whole jut of the wall is hollow. When I look on the opposite side, there is no use for this hollow part of the wall. Its use eludes me. It must have been to bury someone behind the wall. Why they didn’t make it a real wall, I couldn’t say. They must have gotten cheap.

1:38. I just found an open bag of a ‘trail mix” type of snack combination called a “yogurt mix.” I do not know how long it has been there, or if it is anyone’s here.

1:39. How stupid can you be to still be selling a Windows 95/98 keyboard? Very. Well, that’s what we’re doing. When it becomes vintage and sold for $5, maybe it’ll be sold, but not in this decade. Weird thing is, is that Memorex made it. I don’t know how they think since they make good blank CDs/DVDs they know how to make a good keyboard.

1:48. I now know how to get a free iPod that can do photos, too. Its simple, its brilliant, its amazing. All you have to do is say you already paid for it, when you bought “your iBook.” You don’t even have to prove it!

1:53. Well, I sold something to a jackass, and I forgot to demagnetize it, so the gate went off on him. Hahaha! I have exumed my terror! My revenge!

1:55. We sell these big pencils. They are RALLY big pencils. They’re about the size of your arm and as thick as your wrist. Oh, the things people always ask about is:

Q: Does it actually write?

A: Yes

Q: Wow, really?

A; Yes

Q: How do you sharpen it?

A; You bite it.

Q: How do you sharpen it?

A: You can bite it…

Q: You sell sharpeners for it?

A: Not “you can BUY it,” jackass. BITE it.

2:02. 2 o’clock! 1.5 hours left! 1 hour of torture, .5 of fun fun counting out the register. I’m going to end up helping only 20 people by the end of the day. What a waste of time. What kind of a job is this? I wrote this whole thing in there!

2:08. I can’t even remember most of the stuff I wrote. I know when I type this stuff up, I’ll be like “what the hell?” the whole time, but still acknowledge the wisdom of my past self. By the way, hello future me. Get a girlfriend, loser.

2:12. I have concocted a plan to freak out everyone in the store. To get the P.A. system in the store, you have to dial ext. 6599 for. What I’m thinking is that if I were to call it from an external source, I could exert some hate towards everyone in the words consisting of the following: fuck.

2:14. I just had a bitch dig through her purse for her change wallet and say “I forgot my glasses. I’m blind…but I can see!” Bitch.

2:20. Waiting for this day to end during the last stretch of time is the worst. It seems like an hour becomes 5 hours, and 20 minutes becomes an hour. My hands are stained with cash long forgotten, passed to the stupid people whom I will never see again. The security guy spooks me out a bit. He just walked by for no apparent reason. Him and his kind are all scary. Those security police-in-training officers…they use the computer for hours on end, and you don’t know what for. I’m trying to be cryptic here in case you didn’t know.

2:24. I am afraid. Afraid of losing my sanity. I haven’t sat down since lunch break. I’m so tired, physically and mentally. This is very mentally hard on me. Its difficult for me to just do nothing. That’s why I’m writing so much. Do I have ADD?

2:28. I’m in my quiet place now. It’s the dark little nook created by the fake wall. Its comfortable if I lean against it, and hide from the world…

2:30. Only have an hour of boring Hell, and 30 min. of “fun”

2:31. I have seven piece of paper to write on now, including this one. I’m amazed by how much I’ve written. The security guards watching me might think I’m planning a terrorist attack. I must be cautious…

2:33. If you asked me who I’m more afraid of in the security guard force, the guy sor the girls, I would have to say the girls. There’s just something about how they go after people who steal stuff, their biceps pumping, and their walkie-talkie sticking out of their back ocket of their tight jeans. It intimidates me that they could probably kick my ass, and basically have that weird, demeaning look to their faces as they chase someone down, like they enjoy it. “The chase is on!” They must scream as their war yell. Sitting down for most of the day and then seeing some guy bolt out the door. I don’t want to be in that position. Ever. Being the one chased down, that is…

2.39. I hate this horrible apron. The papers I wrote on sum up into being a stack. Its werid seeing all my writing on so many pages.

2.40. I think I want to hang myself with the apron tying tails…

Alas, it is 2:41. I have decided not to kill myself, as I believe in at least trying at life instead of just dying. Oh God, its Kansas on the P.A. I’m killing myself now.

2:43. The only part of this store they should keep are the escalators

2:45. Bookstore will close in 15 minutes. Someone passed by me, and said “I’m going to be back.” Like I fucking care, you idiot.

2:46. I wrote a short novel today, it seems. Funny ain’t it?

2:55. As much as I have truly enjoyed this experience, it is time for its end. Maybe I’ll do this whenever I work if I don’t get fired. Good day to you, and everyone else who has read this the whole way through. Bonswa, arirverderci, chao, bye, bon voyage, later, peace out the guy that said he’d be back came back. What a faggot, we’re CLOSING!

11/23/04. The next day I had planned to do something like I had done the day before because it helped passed the time.

8:40 Well, it looks like I’m cashier today after all. They’re playing stupid Christmas music for a change. Lucky me?

8:41 They’re playing the Charlie Brown theme song. How is this Christmas?

8:42 When I originally thought I was supposed to do inventory, they told me I was supposed to. But they changed jobs on me! Why the fuck am I here at 8:30 when the store opens at 10:00?

8:43 It was a challenge to find paper this time, as I had to use secret ops skills to find some in the next drawer.

8:44 How many versions of the same song do they HAVE?

8:46 Santa Claus is the conspiracy created by parents so they can keep their kids quiet for a month, so they can fuck.

8:47 Some girl is probably going to work next to me. Hooray. She hopefully won’t be annoying as fuck.

8:50 They put me upstairs. I just saw the Afro Guy. We have a cockroach problem with the magazines…

9:55 Well they replaced that girl with a guy. I still have oh 6.5 hours…

9:56 I had no breakfast today. So I ate 2 of the mini candy canes they have out here for customers. They’re not gonna do anything.

3:32 Almost time to go. Had a friend for about 5 hours. We bonded, but we’ll never talk again.


I Was Detained Today

This entry is part 2 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

The alarm went off at work today, and the store wasn’t open, it was just the people in the warehouse, where I was working…and at that exact moment the police were coming through the door to see what was happening (they apparently didn’t know we were there), i was getting a drink of water, and its right next to the door.

So the cops see me and they’re like “hold it!”

I look up and i’m like “uhh? whoa!” and one of them had a gun out, too. I was basically alone, and then they’re all like “put your hands up! turn around!”

“Put your hands behind your head!”

They walked up and then held my hands firmly, told me to spread my legs, and then spread them further. They checked me for any weapons, and had me lean forward with my stomach out as they were checking my pants for a couple minutes.

They asked if I had any weapons and I was like “no, I have a cell phone in my left pocket, keys in my right and wallet in the back pocket.”

So while they checked they asked “what are you doing here?”

I said “I’m I’m I’m working.” He asked if there was anyone else, and I said yeah, they’re upstairs in the warehouse.

He asked what we were doing and I said the warehouse was getting books ready to go out on the shelves, and I was doing web orders. After that they put me into custody, put cuffs on me and sat me down on a table that was there.

One of the cops stayed with me until the other went upstairs and saw what was going on.

Someone told me that what the cop asked upstairs was if anyone was supposed to be downstairs and then the manager was all “no” and then the cop asked if he was missing anyone. The manager figured out it was me that was missing and described him to the one that was upstairs, and confirmed it was me downstairs.

In the meantime I told the cop that was with me I was getting a drink of water from the fountain since that’s the only one in the store. They eventually let me out of cuffs and took me upstairs to have the manager confirm it was me. I told him I was just getting some water downstairs.

Turned out another warehouse worker had tripped off the alarm accidentally, and I had just been right where the cops were exactly when they came in through the doors.

Well, that was fun.


Sunday is a Great Day for Unmitigated Bargaining

This entry is part 3 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So, there was some stupid lady customer at work today.

She got a package of books that was 124.90 or somethin, and said that it was supposed to be like 90 something. So she brought down the book she bought along with another package that encased similar books (but not the exact same books) that was "in the same stack."

She has already bought the more expensive package and wanted a price adjustment to make the more expensive one into the lower-priced one.

I could tell right away when I looked at both of the packages, I told her, "these are different books."

She wouldn’t have it. She was stubborn in that she should still get a price adjustment, since the shelf tag said that the book she bought was supposed to be lower than what she paid.

To make matters worse, one of the textbook reps said it was okay to do the price adjustment. They probably didn’t notice that there were different books in the packages.

It just so happened that the book manager was there, so she asked what was happening, just as I was about to call her. After explaining the situation again, the customer went off on the manager saying "well, they said I could do it upstairs!" to which the book manager said "I don’t know why they did that, since *I* am the manager."

To explain the situation more plainly, the customer wanted to buy a completely different package of books priced at its own price for a completely different package of books priced lower than the one she bought, seemingly regardless of which package she actually needed.

Eventually the customer accused us of price fraud because we charged her more than the "advertised price" and wouldn’t adjust the price, saying "OH OK SO ITS MY FAULT THAT THEY PLACED BOOKS IN THE WRONG STACK."

She eventually stormed off after accusing us after accusing us of price fraud like 3 times, but wouldn’t even go with the book manager to look at the prices for the books. The shelf tags say right on them which ISBN is at which price, as well.

Not to mention it was painfully obvious that the included books were different from each other, she obviously didn’t even know which one she actually needed since she thought both packages were the same.


The Laughing Monkey Girl

This entry is part 4 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

There was a laughing monkey girl that visited work yesterday.

This monkey girl was making a weird high pitched sound that sounded like "EEE EEE EEEEEEEEE." It sounded like a squeaky wheel at first or something wrong with the escalator.

It was only later that I figured out that was her actual laugh!

Some asshole was making her laugh more, and the whole time i was like "where the fuck is that sound coming from??"

It was so annoying, you could hear it clear across the store. I thought she was dying, cause it made no sense to me how someone could be making that noise unintentionally.

I didn’t even see her until she walked past the Customer Service desk where I worked, and I just stared in awe at this weird short white girl with nasty long hair laughing with that high pitched noise with some gay dude hugging her as he was laughing.

I guess he was laughing at her laugh, which in turn made her laugh even more.

After they left, another worker from the other side of the store popped her head out from behind a rack of clothing, and looked towards me, asking "Did you HEAR that?? What WAS that???"

That was weird.


Can I Take These Now and Pay Later?

This entry is part 5 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A weird lady came by the Customer Service desk holding a cassette tape and some other electronic thing in her hand.

She said "I lost my wallet, so I was wondering if it was okay if I could take these now and pay for them later."
As she was about to explain more of her reasoning, I cut her off and said "No."

She said "Oh okay, I understand," and walked away.

Fucking weirdo.


Quote #11020: What flavor is That? Red.

This entry is part 6 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So a guy wanted to buy a slushy, and I asked him what flavor it was so I could ring it up.

davepoobond: “What flavor is that?”

Slushy Guy: “Strawberry, Idon’tknowrarerr….RED.”

davepoobond: “Red?”

Slushy Guy: “Yeahhhh, I don’t knoww”

So I rang him up for a red-flavored slushy. The End.


The Petition Bitch

This entry is part 7 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A lady petitioning against the Cal State University budget cuts came into the store and solicited us to sign her stupid petition. I don’t sign anything so I said no, and no for all the people around me.

So then the bitch went deeper into the store and asked more customers to sign it. Which is not allowed, since we do not allow solicitors inside the store, no matter what their cause. Ironically, she was having an off-duty Community Service Officer (basically a junior cop and security guard for the store) sign the petition.

I called the on-duty CSOs in the camera room and told them about the Petition Bitch and tell her that she can’t be inside the store doing that shit. So, the guy came out and told her to leave.

During that time, the off-duty CSO came over to the Customer Service desk where I worked and told me that he signed the petition, and as the Petition Bitch was leaving she asked him to sign the petition again AFTER she was told she couldn’t do that in the store, not to mention she already got him to sign it.

What a bitch.


Today Is Stupid Day

This entry is part 8 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Its official, today is Stupid Day. Here’s another customer story that just happened.

A bizarre lady called and asked if we rented out caps and gowns for her Masters graduation, and I told her no, we don’t, you have to buy them. She also volunteered to tell me that she was with the History department, like I could give a fuck about that in the first place.

So she proceeded to say this to me:

"I have to BUY my graduation robe? Well, I guess I’m not graduating then." And then hung up.

What the fuck is with these people today??

I also heard that another customer argued with a manager for a half and hour about returning a pen or pencil he bought a month ago (with no receipt to show, as well). And then there was ANOTHER lady who called us and asked us how to put her Masters Hood on, and she was a retard because when we tried to tell her what to do, she didn’t even do it right.


The Band-Aid Bandit

This entry is part 9 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

So, there was this complete spaz that came in last week on Tuesday.

This guy was very, VERY concerned that he might have taken a band-aid accidentally and didn’t pay for it.  The conversation went something like this:

Spaz: “Uhhh hi, I was wondering if there is a way to see if I had accidentally taken something.  I don’t know if I did or not cause I bought a lot of stuff and I’m not sure if I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids.  Would there be anyway to see if I did?”

dave: “Ummm…do you have a receipt?  That would be the only for-sure way I can tell you if you paid for something or not.”

At this point, I’m not sure if his concern is that he didn’t pay for it or that he was charged for something he didn’t want.

Spaz: “Uhh, a receipt?  Uhh ahhh uhhh no.  I don’t have a receipt.  But I think I accidentally took an extra package of band-aids and I already opened a package and I used one but I don’t know if I took it and I was wondering if there was a way to check for that.”

dave: “Well, again, the only way I can tell for sure or not is whether or not you have your receipt.  I can tell you for sure what you got charged for if you have one.”

Spaz: “OH, uhhh a receipt, I don’t have that.”

So, after a few seconds of him not really saying anything else…

dave: “Umm…well, let me ask my manager for you to see if there’s anything we can figure out.”

At this point I’m dumbfounded that he’s making such a big deal about this.  I have nothing else that I can come up with to say to him, so I asked my manager and told him the situation, that he thinks he might have taken something accidentally or whatever.  My manager said it would take a lot of leg work to figure out if he took anything, and as long as it was an honest mistake, we would excuse it, so I went back to the Spaz and told him…

dave: “I talked to my manager and he said it was okay, you don’t have to worry about it.  Thank you for your honesty, but you don’t have to worry about it.”

Spaz: “Oh, really?  I don’t have to worry about it…?  But I might have taken something without paying for it, you guys aren’t going to do anything about it?  It might have been glue or a pencil or something, I don’t know what I might have taken, are you sure it’s ok?”

So, at this point I’m perplexed as to why he isn’t even sure about what he might have taken anymore.

dave: “Umm, well, like I said.  My manager said it was okay, and you don’t have to worry about it.  Going forward, just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store, and there won’t be a problem.”

Spaz: “OH, but I didn’t pay for something and I don’t know if I took it or not”

dave: “Like I said, it’s ok.  It’s really not possible for us to check something like that, and we’re going to excuse it this time.  Just make sure you buy everything you take out of the store in the future.”

Spaz: “Umm..ok.”

So, he finally leaves.

Then.  He comes back.  And says the same stuff again, to which I explain to him again.  Then he leaves.  Then he comes back again.  Then I tell him the same stuff.  Then he leaves.  He leaves and comes back consistently over 20 minutes.

He’s wasting my god damned time at this point.  So, I get really frustrated and say “I’M NOT DEALING WITH THIS ANYMORE, I’M GOING ON LUNCH.”

So, I go on lunch.  I come back only to hear that the guy comes back TWO MORE TIMES, and talks to my co-worker, who said he said the exact same thing I told him again.  But the second time, he came back with a notebook and wrote down exactly what my co-worker had said.  He didn’t appear for the rest of the day.

I didn’t work in the store on Wednesday, but I came back on Thursday at around 12.  I heard that “my friend” had came back from my manager and I was like “what friend?”  My manager said the guy that came a couple days ago saying he might have taken a band-aid.  I was like “Oh, great.”

Not even five minutes after he told me he was in the store, the guy came back and I was there to talk to him.

Spaz: “Uh, hi.  Do you remember what we were talking about last week or a while ago?”

Note that it wasn’t last week, it was Tuesday, the day before yesterday that he had come in.

dave: “Uh.  Maybe.”

Spaz: “Well, ok, well, I think I might have taken something I hadn’t paid for, like band-aids or glue or pens or something, and I don’t know if I paid for it, is there a way you can check that?”

This fucking guy.

dave: “Like I said before.  It’s ok, don’t worry about it.”

Spaz: “Don’t worry about it?  What if it was something expensive?”

Ok, so NOW he’s getting on my nerves AND is acting suspicious as fuck.

dave: “Well, did you take anything expensive?”

Spaz: “No, I don’t know what I took, I think it’s in my notebook and my notebook is messy.”

dave: “Ok, well let’s do this then.  Get your notebook in order.  Then figure out what you might have taken out of the bookstore.”

Spaz: “Ok, oh but uh my notebook isn’t here.  But even if its expensive, you guys aren’t going to do anything?”

dave: “Ok, like I said, don’t worry about it, you can go.”

At this point, I just wanted him to leave, so I kept saying it was okay, and I actually told him to leave.  He finally left.  But then he came back to look at a folder or something, and then left.

After that, I told my manager what he had said and we both became suspicious of him, so I called our security and told them to keep an eye on that guy.

I basically came to the conclusion that the guy did steal something but he was using this ruse and us saying it’s “okay” as a justification for stealing whatever he had stolen OR stealing whatever he was planning on stealing.

He would just not drop it, and would not leave.  He’s been stewing on this for at least 3 days’ worth of time, and its so obvious this guy has some weird mental problem.


Exigent Circumstances

This entry is part 10 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

There was this stoner guy that came to the store on Tuesday.  He had a rental book that was about a month and a half overdue, and he had said that he had come into the store earlier and talked to someone upstairs in the textbook department about returning the rental book, but they had to talk to us at Customer Service before being able to.

The reason being, there is a late fee/replacement price associated with any late rental books.  And, being a month and a half overdue, this fucker thought he’d be able to just return a water-damaged book three weeks into the next semester without having to pay anything.

The reasoning behind his being late was he had “exigent circumstances” that prevented him from completing the class on time.  Okay, fine.  He brought his teacher with him to vouch for him, as well.  Oh, great.

So, I went upstairs to ask a book manager and to see what they could do for the guy, which I knew wouldn’t be much.  When she came down to talk to him, the guy was a complete idiot and kept saying how he had exigent circumstances and he “had a baby” and can’t be throwing around sixteen dollars here and there.

The manager had come to a middle ground and said that we would only charge him the late fee, which was the rental fee again at 14 dollars.  The guy didn’t understand why he had to pay a late fee for something he has in his hand and was trying to return to us.  She also offered if he had bought the book at the replacement price of 16 dollars, we would buy back the book at 5 dollars, so he’d actually be saving 3 dollars if he had done so.

He wouldn’t have it.  He didn’t want to pay a dime.  This stupid mother fucker had his school records on hold and couldn’t change or drop any of his classes or get any school services that he might need done because of 15 dollars.  He didn’t understand why we charged late fees and didn’t agree that he should pay them.  But he still signed the agreement to the terms, and it was his fault he didn’t read it.

So he started throwing around accusations like “you guys are nickel and dime-ing students” and he had “just bought a $150 book” and now had to “buy another $15 book.”  So the book manager had made the argument that that we had lost out on the money the bookstore could have made off that book, which is why we charge the late fee/replacement price, and that it was already three weeks into the semester and we will probably lose out on the opportunity to sell that book to another student.

Then he said, “How are you so sure that all the students have gotten their books already,” and the book manager said we didn’t, but most have already gotten their books so the likelihood of it being sold was minimal.  Then he said “well, *I* didn’t get my books,” in a “ah-ha I got you” kind of tone.  The book manager said “I’m not going to get into a nit-picky fight with you…” etc etc.

So at the end of it, the guy ended up NOT paying and he left with a hold still on his school records.  And the whole time, the faculty member he coerced into bringing with him was nodding her head agreeing with everyone.  She was probably oblivious to everything that was happening, and I don’t know why she was wasting her time at 7 pm to come with this guy to try and get him off on any late fees.

Fuckin’ asshole comes right before the store closes too.  What a great time to come.


Hector’s Stupid Email

This entry is part 11 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Y’know, sometimes we get stupid e-mail.  And when I get stupid e-mail, I post it on my web site.  This came through the mailing list that is shared by my job, and it’s really not supposed to have stupid shit like this sent through it.

Sent by: “Hector B.”

Date: Wed, Feb 2, 2011 at 8:15 PM

Subject: Amazing News!!!!

If you are currently looking for a better job, better paying, more satisfying job, look no further!!! lol. Or if you just want to make extra income from home??? Please feel free to contact me. There is a huge event going down this saturday morning feb 5th. Please let me know. Best wishes. Thanks for your time.

On Feb 9, I sent this back to him:

“Dude don’t send this crap to me”

“Hector B.” sends this back:

sorry man.

Fuck you Hector B.  You are an amateur spammer and suck at it!  Now time for a random lol:  lol.  As a result, someone else replied to his spam message with another spam for some asshole tutor:

Date: Feb 11, 2011

Subject: In need of a tutor?

Hi guys,

I just wanted to recommend a tutor to anyone in need of help in any of the subjects or standardized tests( LSAT, MCAT) listed on the attachment. This tutor has helped me excel in so many of my classes and I just wanted to share the love.

Thanks so much for your time!

Fuck youuuuuuuu!!!!


Postage Is (Not) 46 Cents!

This entry is part 12 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

A couple days ago there was this girl who was very convinced that postage is 46 cents.  I tried to help her by saying it was 44 cents, and she only needed to use one stamp for a regular sized letter.

So, she came over to my register and told me she needed to buy two stamps.  I took out two 44 cent stamps and she paid for it.  She asked whether or not postage was 46 cents or 44.  I told her it was 44.

Then she came back and said she wanted to buy two 2-cent stamps.  I asked why she needed them and she said postage was 46 cents, not 44.  So, I asked her when it went up, cause I hadn’t heard of that happening, and she said “last year” and that she “looked it up on Google.”

She was getting angry because she thought I wasn’t going to sell her her 2-cent stamps.  I told her if she wanted to buy them she can, but she didn’t need to.  I even showed her on the UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE web site how it is only 44 cents but she didn’t believe me still.  She said she was sending a lot of pictures, so I told her the web site would appraise a 4-ounce letter at around 80 cents, in that case.  So it still wouldn’t matter for buying the 2-cent stamps.

After she left, I looked it up on Google, and the first thing I saw was an article from July 2010 saying stamps MAY go up to 46 cents.  Nothing said it was CURRENTLY 46 cents, and everything had a question mark or some sort of speculative commentary about it.  You can see what she probably looked for at this link, but if postage does go up to 46 cents in the future, it’ll be filled with newer articles that don’t exhibit this point.

What a dumb bitch.  I was only trying to help her.


Let It Go For 9 Cents

This entry is part 13 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

Yesterday some douchebag wanted to buy a pencil and he only had like 95 cents.  I told him the pencil he was interested in buying was 1.08 with tax.  And he was all, “can’t I just bring the rest of the money later?”

I told him, “No, you’re about 9 cents short and I can’t let things out of the store without it being paid for.”

“Really?  9 Cents?  You won’t let it go for 9 cents?”

At first I thought he was being sarcastic/joking but then it became apparent he was actually pissed as he started shaking his head and cursing under his breath.

Like, what the fuck do you want me to do, asshole?  Short my register for your sorry “can’t afford 9 more cents” ass?  Or pull money out of my pocket for you?

Fuck you!  Fuckin’ asshole!


Quote #20805: Stupid Story About Scantrons

This entry is part 14 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

::Lady comes over to davepoobond’s register::

Lady: You can do returns here, right?

davepoobond: Sure.

Lady: Ok, well I want to return these 2 Scantrons and buy the folder.

davepoobond: Do you have a receipt?

Lady: No…

davepoobond: Sorry, I need one to do it, its so easy to just pick them up off the shelve and just —

Lady: Oh no, I PAID for those… I had them for a long time.

davepoobond: I know, but I still need a receipt.

Lady: Ok, fine, I’ll just have to talk to a manager about it then, just that one up.

davepoobond: 74 cents.


So the fucking lady gets upset over the 40 cents for Scantrons she didn’t get money back for, and goes over to the Customer Service desk.  It’ll be hilarious if I lose my job over something like that.

Why does someone ever want to return things like that without a receipt?  Its fucking 75 cents for the God damn folder, and keep the Scantrons, you dumbass, they’re only 40 cents.  You probably have more change in that fucking purse than you’ll ever use, what good is more gonna do?


Quote #20824: The Scary Bald Man Confrontation

This entry is part 15 of 26 in the series The Retail Report

This happened a long time ago, circa 2006 or 2007.

Cashier: What’s the return policy on books?

davepoobond: No returns.

Cashier: What if he just bought it?

davepoobond: I don’t know, you’d have to ask a book manager.

Scary Bald Man comes over and stares at davepoobond meanly and doesn’t even say anything.  davepoobond just looks at him with a blank stare.

Scary Bald Man looks away for a second, in which davepoobond looks at the receptionist at the desk with him with a “what the fuck” look, and the guy looks back, seeing davepoobond looking weirdly at the guy.  He resumes to stare davepoobond down for another second.  At which point, walking away, he takes a step back towards davepoobond.

Scary Bald Man: I just bought the book, it hasn’t left the store okay??  I just want a refund!

davepoobond (to himself): Sorry, what do you want me to do about it?  I can’t approve it.

For the next five minutes, the guy keeps staring at davepoobond until the cashier comes back.

davepoobond walks around uncomfortably.

davepoobond (mumbling to the receptionist): “Why is this guy still staring at me?”

Eventually he is dealt with and leaves the store.