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ipudisteie

December 18th, 2015 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

ipudisteie – v. to eat dinner while on the toilet

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exigentea

December 14th, 2015 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

exigentea – v. to remove a generic brand tea from the selection you offer to your guests.

Ex. Make sure you exigentea what we offer to John and Carol.

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cimtwo

December 11th, 2015 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

cimtwo – n. a word that was created by using a word search puzzle’s random arrangement of letters

Ex. This word search has plenty of cimtwos that will one day be defined.

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Mighty Crew: Millennium Legend (Android) Review

December 4th, 2015 Posted in Game Reviews, Games | No Comments »

Developer/Publisher: AminiLab || Overall: 7.0

Claims are tricky things. At one end of the spectrum, a confident boast can garner the attention of the masses. Big and bold claims are usually preceded with both naysayers and hype-builders in equal measures, but the important part is that it gets people talking. At the other end, claims can also serve as the minimal measure by which something is then graded. A product or person loses a degree of novelty when they merely match their claim and it usually only results in a passing grade no matter how impressive the feat. The whole act is lacking the element of surprise and played down in foresight. Worst yet, if the claimed isn’t reached, the following disappointment makes it look much worse. This is usually why it pays to be careful when making a claim and why humble beginnings are often times best. With that in mind, prepare yourself for the best damn video game review to ever grace the eyes and minds of mankind.

 

Taking a break from my usual types of reviews, I’m going to examine the claims made by the game Mighty Crew and see how they stack up to the finished product. Mighty Crew is a free-to-play offering by the folks at AminiLab for both your iOS and Android devices. Though don’t let that sidetrack you, I still plan to give all two of my loyal fans a high quality review (Hi Mom!). A review score and my usual half-assed critical approach will follow.

 

“Mighty Crew: Millennium Legend – is like the Mario, like a nordic Mario-berserker armed cap-a-pie!” – Excerpt from the Official Website

No, not at all. Mighy Crew may be a lot of things but comparing it to “the Mario” seems like a misstep.  The game doesn’t even have a reliable jump mechanic and most of the game happens on a single platform, making it neither a Mario game or much of a Platformer in general. I’m also sure that “cap-a-pie” isn’t actually a word no matter what google or Merriam-Webster has to say about it. The game doesn’t even have a serious subplot where the protagonist hides his drug addiction behind cute item names: “Super Mushroom,” “Fire flower.” Yeah, right.

viking_mario_by_dlax1
….and to no one’s surprise, you can find anything
on the internet.

“Is a beautiful meld of action and RPG, of slasher and side-scroller.” – Excerpt from the Official Website

That’s more like it! “Slasher and side-scroller” is a much more apt description of the game than being any sort of implied Mario clone coupled with Viking overtones. Mighty Crew plays more like an old-fashioned beat ’em up with some RPG elements throughout. The typical progression has the player going through the level killing everything in sight, and gaining EXP and items along the way. The EXP and items are used to acquire new abilities and increase stats respectfully. Though why the website would contradict itself on the same page, and much less the very same paragraph, about its own genre is anyone’s guess. But for now, the point goes to Mighty Crew.

 

“Hundreds of Tools of Destruction” – Line from Trailer.

Indeed. The game offers you quite the selection of items and a generous amount of equippable spaces to outfit your character. The items ranging from mundane to rare, even those in the same categories have noticeable differences between them. While one may be a typical sword that simply hacks away at a monster’s life, another may slice ’em, dice ’em, light them on fire and spread that fire to any other monster that touches them until all that’s left is a wonderfully crisp buffet of monster meat. Of course, some of the better gear is kept behind a pay wall but even something like the sword that I just mentioned is available for free. I just so happened to be lucky enough to earn it as a reward. So for this claim, I proclaim it as the truth.

 

“Entertaining Dialog You’ll Never want to Skip!” – Excerpt from the Official Website

I’m sorry. I skipped. I skipped a lot. The dialogue really isn’t all that interesting and it often only serves to give you a primer on where the characters are, why they decided to go there or who they need to alleviate from their oxygen addiction. There are attempts at character throughout the conversations between Princess Vallindoria and the mighty barbarian you control but they mostly fall by the wayside during the heavy exposition. The story isn’t anything great as it is a typical tale with all too familiar beats; nothing really outstanding.

 

“Manual Controls and Autofight.” – Line from trailer

To explain, Mighty Crew gives you two control options for your barbarian badass. The first is an automatic option that basically has you pointing your character in a general direction and watching them fight. With a simple press on your phone’s screen, the character will walk to that location and automatically fight anything within range. The other option gives you more direct control, offering both a virtual joystick and an attack button to control your character. Both have their benefits, though while the automatic option makes it easier to manage your special abilities, I preferred having more direct control of my character. Regardless, the game plays fine in both options.

boss_king_black_0
Protip: Using the Manual control, you can avoid all damage by
staying at the center of this boss up until its second form.

“Free Boost to Upgrade your Stats.” – Line from the Google Play page

Not so much free as they are “free”. There’s a price to pay, it just doesn’t come out of your pocket. Instead of money you are required to invest time as the game “treats” you to an ad (many times for another mobile game) for one of three random boost. Though the upgrades are very helpful since they can increase your health, damage or critical rate, the ads are a surefire way to break any immersion the game attempts. This isn’t even the only example of their liberal use of the word “free”, the game also offering one “free” resurrection per level if you are willing to watch the accompanying ad. Still free is often only associated with money and these ads are entirely optional, so in this case, I’ll give Mighty Crew a “point” for technically backing up their claim.

 

“No Time to Run Test! Mighty Crew Release!” – Excerpt from the website

In a rare case where I wish a claim made by a game company wasn’t true, this game could have used a bit of quality assurance. Even worse, the particular problems I ran into could have been easily caught with some testing. More times than I could count, I would defeat all of the enemies in a stage only to be trapped there waiting for the completion screen to show up. My dauntless hero denied a warrior’s death by faulty programming that forces me to restart the game instead of the evil that stalks the land like a true champion. A bit of testing could have also helped to root out another of the games major detriments: the repetitiveness. The game is a constant slog of entering a stage, killing everything, and upgrading, which then mirrors itself upon reaching the next stage. Sure, there are things to do in-between and playing it in short burst can stave off the impending boredom a bit, but the monotony is still present. I can only hope that some future testing can fix these two problems.

Dungeons
T
hankfully, the game does mix it up with its level design. You’ll traverse the
long and flat cave, the long and flat dungeon, and…you get the idea.

“Find out how good our designers, wich are have made out game style so comic-attractive and brutal in the same time.” – Excerpt from the website

Nope. Not even trying.

 

So with three claims in the bag, two claim denied, a point I would rather keep in quotes, another claim that I wish didn’t go through and a big fat nope to end it all, we come to a grand total of 4+”1″ out of 8 or just 5 out of 8 claims kept if you round up. If my math is correct, it isn’t all that much lower than the 7.0 score I gave it up top. Mighty Crew isn’t terrible, but it isn’t terribly good. If played in short bursts it could even be a fun time waster. For now though, I leave you with a claim that I can keep. This is the end of my review for Mighty Crew and I’ll see ya next time.

If you are interested in trying out Mighty Crew: Millennium Legend, you can use the following codes for free in-game currency:  #press20x (1000 crystals) and #gift20 (100 crystals).

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The Driving Test

November 30th, 2015 Posted in The Squackle Quiz | No Comments »

You must turn on your headlights ____ minutes after sunset and leave them on until ____ minutes before sunrise.

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When a traffic signal light is not working, you should...

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You must look for bicycle riders in the same lanes used by motor vehicles because they:

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You are getting ready to make a right turn. You should:

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If you must drive in the fog, you should use:

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A yellow curb means:

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A pedestrian crossing at a corner has the right-of-way...

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You want to change lanes. To be sure the lane is clear, you should:

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You sold your vehicle. You should notify ______ within 5 days.

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It is illegal for a person under 21 years of age to drive with a blood alochol concentration (BAC) that is _____ or more.

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While you are driving, you notice a car ahead which is flashing its hazard lights. What does this mean?

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When should you not take your legal right-of-way?

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You want to merge onto a freeway. You should drive:

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To turn left from a one-way street into a one-way street, use:

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If your car has an air bag, you should use your seat belt:

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Which of the following is true about double parking?

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Generally speaking, you know you are in a truck's blind spot if:

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Safely backing your vehicle does not include:

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There is a railroad crossing ahead and you see flashing red lights warning you of a train coming. You must

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You are stopped at an intersection before pulling into the intersection. You look:

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Blocking an intersection during "rush hour" traffic is not permitted:

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How far ahead should you scan for hazards while driving?

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You should use a turnout lane when:

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If you get sleepy while driving, you should:

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Which of the following could best contribute to improved traffic flow?

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Which of these is a good way to spot driving hazards?

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Orange construction signs warn you:

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Driving under the influence of any drug which makes you drive unsafely is permitted:

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You have injured someone in a traffic accident. Who must complete the accident report?

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If you are being tailgated, you should:

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The speed limit in a school zone is...

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When can you merge into a bike lane for a right turn?

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When should you use your headlights?

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You just rear-ended the car in front of you. You were probably:

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The speed limit in an alley is...

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Hate Mail #24444

November 30th, 2015 Posted in Hate Mail | No Comments »

Submitted through the Jingle Bells song submission form.

This form was submitted:  Oct 23 2003 / 12:36:18

name = FaggotMon
email = wiopuwhef@aol.com
use_email = yes
jinglesong = JINGLE BELLS, YOUR SITE SMELLS, YOU GUYS ARE ALL FUCKING LAME! THIS SONG SUCKS, MY BIG NUTS, WHILE YOU ALL GET GANG BANGED! HEY!

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Jingle Bells Song #24443

November 30th, 2015 Posted in (F) Jingle Bells Songs, Poetry and Songs | No Comments »

Dashing through the snow
With one broken leg
Over the hills I go
Crashing all the way

Ha ha ha

Everyone saying die
While I go flying by
I’m on my way to the hospital
While everyone says “alright!”

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Jingle Bells Song #24442

November 30th, 2015 Posted in (F) Jingle Bells Songs, Poetry and Songs | No Comments »

Jingle Bells

Joker smells

Penguin laid an egg

Jokemobile lost its wheel

and Batman saved the day

Hey!

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Bad Submission #24441

November 30th, 2015 Posted in Bad Submissions | No Comments »

Submitted using the Jingle Bells song submission form.

This form was submitted:  Aug 10 2004 / 21:34:21

name = butt_fuck
jinglesong = Jingle bells my dick smells cause i stuck it in ur ass all because u asked me kindly and said u’d wipe ur ass…… HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ASsHOLE

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Jingle Bells Song #24440

November 30th, 2015 Posted in (F) Jingle Bells Songs, Poetry and Songs | No Comments »

Batman’s in the kitchen,
Robin’s in the hall,
Joker’s in the bathroom,
Peeing on the wall!

Joker just went number 2
in Batman’s shoe,
Robin’s in the bathroom
cleaning up the doo!

Jingle Bells,
Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg!
Batmobile lost its wheel
and Joker got away!

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Jingle Bells Song #24439

November 30th, 2015 Posted in (F) Jingle Bells Songs, Poetry and Songs | No Comments »

jingle bells, rachel smell, mary laid an egg
mary-mobile lost its wheal and rachel got away HEY!

dashing through the clouds, in a two horses open air,
over the smilies we go, singing all the way, ha ha,
do do do dodo , mary is washing rachel right now, bla bla bla
bla bla.. bla bla bla bla blaaaaaaa!!!!

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Jingle Bells Song #24438

November 30th, 2015 Posted in (F) Jingle Bells Songs, Poetry and Songs | No Comments »

Dashing through the snow
On a broken pair of skis
Oh no I’m heading for the tree
As I go to stand up I realize
I have just broken my knees

The snow is turning red
I think I’m almost dead
I spent my Christmas Eve
In a stupid hospital bed

OH
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Grandma had a gun
pulled the trigger
and lost her finger in 1981

Hey!

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Grandma had a gun
pulled the trigger
and lost her finger in 1981

Hey!

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Jingle Bells Song #24437

November 30th, 2015 Posted in (F) Jingle Bells Songs, Poetry and Songs | No Comments »

Jingle Bells,
Shotgun shells,
Santa Claus is gay.
The S-mobile lost a wheel
and Dancer took ballet, HEY!

Jingle Bells,
Shotgun shells,
You are fuckin’ gay.

Jingle Bells,
Go to Hell,
This is goddamn lame.

PS: u suck

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Bad Submission #24436

November 30th, 2015 Posted in Bad Submissions | No Comments »

Submitted with the Jingle Bells song submission form.

This form was submitted:  Apr 12 2004 / 09:58:10

name = peupty peupty pants
email =
use_email = no
jinglesong = jingle bells jingle bells
dicknurear makes me laugh
yea yea yea…

-~-

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Jingle Bells Song #24435

November 30th, 2015 Posted in (F) Jingle Bells Songs, Poetry and Songs | No Comments »

911, 911
Santa Clause is dead
Rodolph took a 44
And shot him dead, HEY!

Barbie doll, Barbie doll
Tried to save his life
But GI Joe
from Mexico
Stabbed her with a knife, HEY!

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