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What Do You Know About Killumbus?

November 6th, 2013 Posted in Fairy Tales, Stories | No Comments »

Killumbus was in his castle, counting his stacks of money.  Scholars have asked each other, “what do you know about Killumbus?” and their answers have always been “not much.”

What they do know, is unconfirmed at best.

What they do know is the following:

  • He might live in that big castle over there.
  • He might have lots of money.
  • He might have killed lots of people to get it.

Killumbus was once an explorer of nations.  He took his fleet of ships through the seas and found new people to kill.  He kept a room of massacred bones from magical peoples, living in self-imposed exile.  As his name might imply, he couldn’t stop killing.  Everyone.

Killumbus’ weapon of choice was the fan of knives.  He would throw knives up to 250 yards with deadly (that’s a pun) accuracy.  Once when he had visited the Exiled Land of Juziviel, Killumbus had already stuck a knife in 40% of the island’s population from the assaulting rowboats.  The massacre took only three days, and once the dead bodies had been deboned, they put them on the barges and shipped them to the next target on their map.

Killumbus’ Magical Map was a map that allowed them to find magical and mystical places that were hidden from the normal explorers of the world who did not want to kill everyone they saw.  Killumbus’ greatest conquest came in the form of the country of Debrine.

Debrine was a fantastical country full of prosperity and equality.  The culture of Debrine had evolved over centuries to become one of valuing your community and promoting self-worth.  As a result, Debrine’s streets were always clean and there was never any traffic.  Yes, life was good in Debrine, until its streets were full of blood.

Killumbus rode in on the coattails of the night, when many of the guard towers of Debrine had begun their transitional period of turning the lights on.  But since they didn’t have timers in their lighthouses, they always had to judge whether it was a good time to turn on the lights once the sun had begun to lose its light.  Killumbus and his elite squad of bad asses rowed in right underneath their noses, climbed up the infiltrated guard tower and chewed up the guard beyond recognition.

The country of Debrine was as big as a large metropolitan city, and to eliminate a city full of hundreds of thousands of people was going to take a long time.  Killumbus established the Guard Tower as his base of operations and renamed the beach into Killumbus’ Landing.  The Guard Tower was also expanded into a proper castle, in which Killumbus now resides.

The government officials of Debrine did not understand how an outsider was able to find their land, considering a magical sorcerer had enchanted their land with a hiding spell.  When one of the ambassadors came to open negotiations with the hostile force, he had met Killumbus in his base of operations – well before the castle had been created.

Not much has been publically released to Debrine as to what had transpired.  But this is what happened:

  • The ambassador of Debrine was led into Killumbus’ tent.
  • The ambassador of Debrine was instantly stabbed and began spewing blood.
  • The ambassador of Debrine had his intenstines removed.
  • The ambassador of Debrine was then choked with his own intestine.
  • The ambassador of Debrine’s lifeless body was hung outside on a pole for all to see.

Needless to say, Killumbus was one sadistic a-hole.

While the government of Debrine deliberated what they should do to repel the intruders, Killumbus and his crew fortified their position and eventually he built his castle.

Why was Killumbus such a sadistic bad ass?  Well, let’s start at the beginning.

It was recess in Kindergarten at Joy Flower Elementary school in Las Vegas, Nevada.  Killumbus’ original name was Christopher Kohlrhombus and he liked to watch cartoons.  His mother was a businessman and his dad was a female stripper.  Before you ask why you are so confused about the way the genders are referenced, maybe you should ask yourself why you are so gender-biased and re-evaluate the way you live your life.

One day at Kindergarten class, Mrs. Gallagher played the piano, signaling that it was time to stop having fun and start being real.  On their way in, Christopher and his friend Christopher put away their imaginary swords after re-enacting an episode of their favorite TV show Pensacoli Wily Weasel Fighters.  They always had fun running around fighting each other and they were good friends.  Poor Christopher Kohlrhombus never saw this friend again after that day, because when they graduated from Kindergarten they went to different first grade classes that never interacted with each other.  Christopher had built this relationship over the course of a year only to have it thrown away by society’s bureaucracy.  He might not have cared as much if some loser from 2nd grade said that going into 1st grade wasn’t that scary because he still got to hang out with all of his same friends from Kindergarten.  Why did he have to lie?  Instead of having the same friends he had NO friends because he didn’t see the same people he used to go to school with.  It’s not like his mother let him go anywhere during the weekdays, so the friends he did have stopped wanting to hang out with him.

Anyway, Christopher was in the backyard of his apartment building, digging at the ground because he had nothing else better to do.  He lived in an apartment complex and for some awful reason they planted two ugly trees behind the building.  A wizard by the name of Magister Buy1Get1Free was growing senile and had decided that very week to hide his map full of magical secrets between these two ugly trees because he thought the map would grow a more beautiful tree.  Don’t ask me why he thought that, he is senile for a reason.

Christopher spent all day digging, since he had no hobbies at the time, and found the map.  At first the little boy thought he had found a treasure map!   But really what it was is a map to a map.  And it was also a map to all the coin-operated laundromats in the city.

Not five minutes after having found the map, the asshole boy Fookfase The Asshole Kid started throwing ice cubes at Christopher!!  He pelted him pretty good this time because he caught Christopher off guard.  Christopher had to run home with ice scratches forming on his arms and legs.

Christopher, with map in hand, ran to get his baseball glove to run back outside to catch the ice cubes being thrown at him and throw them back.  But his mom asked him what he was doing.

“I’m going to go catch ice cubes and throw them back at that guy throwing them at me.”

“Oh no, you’re not.  That’s too dangerous and I don’t want you getting into trouble.  That’s why I took you out of tee-ball, I don’t want you getting hit by baseballs or ice cubes, for that matter!”

So, bored and shamed Christopher was confined to his room for the rest of the day playing video games and rubbing his scratches instead of taking revenge on the bully he had seen only once before.  Christopher looked at his map – it showed the path to a secret room in the apartment complex that may have been interesting.

Under the guise of night (at 7 pm), after his parents had gone to sleep, Christopher left with his map and started walking through the apartment complex.  He approximated the directions of the map and he came to a room which he had only seen once or twice before.  In reality, it was the senile wizard, Magister Buy1Get1Free’s apartment.  He pays 350 dollars a month on average for the room because half the time he’s able to make it disappear and make everyone forget about it, but since he’s getting older he forgets to hide his apartment from people’s minds on rent day.

Christopher touched the doorknob with his hand at which point the door disintegrated into magical dust and a dark room appeared before him.  There, on a couch sitting and staring into the dark room in front of him was Magister Buy1Get1Free.  His apartment was strangely decorated – there was two of everything; two TVs, two couches, two lamps, two dining room tables, and two microwaves among other things.

“So, you’ve found my map, have you?”

“Y-y-y-yes, sir.”  The young boy replied.

“That map you have holds special power, my young friend…  it allows you to see what is not there.”

Christopher looked with amazement at what he held in his hands.  The treasure was not what was ON the map, the treasure WAS the map!

“Let me tell you, young friend.  I am getting old.  I am not as sensible as I once was.  My years of extreme couponing and buying one item to get one free have taken its toll on me.  And my sanity.  Too much free stuff goes against free enterprise and the economic system we have in place, and as a result I have grown senile with guilt of taking advantage of those multi-million dollar corporations.”  Magister Buy1Get1Free rambled on.

Christopher didn’t understand anything the guy was talking about.  He was like 6 years old.

“I can grant you a power to destroy those whom you call your adversaries.  With that map in hand, you will have the power to end all of those bullies and assholes *I* encountered during my journeys.  I will use you to exact my vengeance…!”

With that statement, Magister Buy1Get1Free got off of his plastic-protected couch and waved his arm around.  Two staves flew into his hands and he waved them around.

“Young boy whom I do not know the name of…!!  You will now be a bloodthirsty maniac of the high seas and destroy the most sacred secrets this world has to offer, one by one!”

Christopher floated in the air and he began to shout as his thoughts became pure bloodlust.  Senile magic created a monster that would one day kill millions of magical peoples and destroy their civilizations.  He had created Killumbus.

Killumbus was given his magical Buy1Get1Free Fan of Knives set that allowed him to spawn two knives for every one thrown.  Hundreds of knives were at his disposal, and each were recoverable by encanting his retrieval spell.  Killumbus was one of the forefront killing machines ever created.

To set sail on his journey, he would need to acquire a crew of the most sadistic homicidal maniacs ever known.  Fookfase The Asshole Kid, with his special ice cube throwing skills, was immediately abducted and magically (literally) convinced to accompany Killumbus.  Other punk kids from the neighborhood, like Mark the Indian Burner, Carlo the Shark Biter, Stephen the Pincher, and Joy Love the Biker Bitch made up the core of Killumbus’ crew.  Their normal identities were erased from memory and Magister Buy1Get1Free conjured up ships for each of his core crew to command.  The Magister hid in the deep bowels of Killumbus’ Rhombus Destroyer.  The other ships were named The Friction Conviction, The Big Biter, The Ouchy Pincher, and Hell’s Envoy.  For the next 15 years, these ships had tracked down and destroyed one civilization after another and ended up on the shore of Debrine in the year 2012.

The Debrine campaign has just begun.

To be continued…?

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Joke #23530

October 16th, 2013 Posted in (F) Conversational Joke, Jokes | No Comments »

Man: “How’s your history paper coming?”

Woman: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it’s been very helpful.”

Man: “Really?”

Woman: “Yes! I’ve already located 17 people who sell them!”

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Joke #23529

October 16th, 2013 Posted in Jokes | No Comments »

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

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Quote #23525

September 24th, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“I joined this website so I could write my senior research paper on online dating and the commodification of human beings through the internet. I’ve met some great people, and even put my cat on here. Don’t worry, I’m not crazy. And I got an A on the project.”

- from a girl’s dating profile

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Quote #23523

September 21st, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“Oh boy!  We have a barn burner goin’ on here!”

- from the TV

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Quote #23522

September 21st, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“Is it a shelf with mugs?  It most certainly is!”

- from the TV

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Quote #23521

September 21st, 2013 Posted in Quotes | No Comments »

“You dry a date to get a date”

- from the TV

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desu

September 21st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

desu – v. to play the Star-Spangled Banner through your nose

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buenuno

September 21st, 2013 Posted in Dictionary | No Comments »

buenuno – n. a hot dog that makes you gain 13 pounds

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The Saga of ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla

September 21st, 2013 Posted in Internet, Screwed Up Chronicles | 1 Comment »

ArchNacho and Tortilla Godzilla’s Quality Roms was a really funny ROM site that went down around 2006 or so. This is from their “Saga” page.

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First Scroll: Descendance

As with all great legends, the saga of ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla is clouded in mystery. In truth, no one knows with certainty what took place those days in a distant past. What is known, however, is that during the month of July in the year 1999, two deities descended from the heavens to this earth to bring light, joy and quality ROMs to the starving, quality-conscious emu-gamers. They had seen wickedness grow in the realm of man and they were worried. Finally, they decided that something would have to be done; they would have to bring light back into the world. And so it was that ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla left their heavenly abodes and descended unto the earth.

Wherever they went, they saw sin: the wicked men had piled up ROMs in great numbers, without reviewing a single one, without even a screenshot to guide the lost souls! Some had attempted to hide their sins with glorious web design, and men were easily deceived by this trickery! Others attempted to lead visitors astray by hiding the true ROMs between false links leading to sponsors, to fill their own greedy pockets! Hear ye my word, and heed it well: this is the worst sin of all! Luring the innocent with promises of ROMs that do not exist, in order to fill your own pockets or increase your own fame is unforgivable, and those who commit such devilish acts will forever be frozen in the cold pits of Shukarnach! And hear ye, you who would let your banners POP UP and blind the purehearted with their evil messages of greed, sin and corruption: thou shalt not escape the wrath of the quality-conscious gamers!

All this ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla saw in the realm of man, and they knew that it was evil. They would be the light of the world, and what follows is the tale of how they banished darkness and offered to every gamer out there a chance for redemption in the splendour of ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla’s Quality ROMs! No more would their souls be corrupted by unreviewed ROMs without screenshots, deceitful links and pop-upping sponsor banners! Take these words to heart, dear reader, for salvation lies within! Rejoice sinners, for your redemption is here!

Second Scroll: “Salvation”

And so it came to pass, in an age long gone, that ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla’s Quality ROMs was born. In the Rochmann castle, strategically positioned on the slope of Mt. Kjølen, in a city called Tromsø far, far to the north in a kingdom known as Norway, the two began their hard work. Initial results were not as good as they had hoped, but ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla had no intention of giving up, so they struggled on. The huddled masses of the net were in desperate need of this shining beacon of hope, integrity and quality ROMs!

Finally, one cold August evening, the first draft was ready and released unto the net. One might say that it looked like crap, and one would not be entirely incorrect.Yet, intentions were good, the jokes were crazy, and the graphics were arguably so crappy it was funny! After all, the Christians spent 400 years collecting and deciding on their new testament, whereas these triumphant two had completed their holy texts in only a few months. In addition, the great advantage of AN&TG’s Quality ROMs over all other holy texts, quickly became apparent: it was ever-expanding and ever-improving! Ever onwards for greater enlightenment and a larger collection of Quality ROMs!

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My Geometry Test Grades

September 21st, 2013 Posted in Dave's Kingdom, Screwed Up Chronicles | No Comments »

I took Geometry in 10th grade in high school.  We had to get each one of our test grades signed off by our parents.  Pretty much after every test I got a lecture from my mom.  I was pretty bad at geometry, mostly because of the proofs.

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1st semester:

72
39
74
57
57
32
80
58
74
72

2nd semester:

50
73
66
66
72
91
43
86
46
80

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Pretty hilarious, really.  I ended up getting a C anyway, so I didn’t have to retake the class during summer.

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Look around your landscape, do you see anything…

September 21st, 2013 Posted in The Squackle Quiz | No Comments »

Look around your landscape, do you see anything else you would like to improve?

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Any area the plants always fail, no matter what you’ve tried?

September 21st, 2013 Posted in The Squackle Quiz | No Comments »

Any area the plants always fail, no matter what you've tried?

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Does your sprinkler system continuously leak…

September 21st, 2013 Posted in The Squackle Quiz | No Comments »

Does your sprinkler system continuously leak from any of the nozzles after being shut off?

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Do your flowerbeds have barren or weed-choked areas?

September 21st, 2013 Posted in The Squackle Quiz | No Comments »

Do your flowerbeds have barren or weed-choked areas?

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