Email to a “Prison Warden”

this was a really fucking long time ago…I thought it was funny when i was doing it, but its just stupid now, but oh well. I have no idea what web site this was anymore…wow there’s a huge crow in my backyard…


WHAT?? you send us to preeson??? you cannot do that till you find out i m a illegal in de states compandre! MY MOM IS A NURSE! she’ll get a bucncha cocters to sue you and you will die. i’m going to hak you site. stomp humpig you chair! you pig! you goys shuld make da prisons funner! you should give us guns, so that we can kill you and all your stupid guardsa. I’LL PERSONALLY ESTE OOMPA ON U ASS! I’LL GET MEDIEVEL TO! OPEN A CAN OF WHUP ASS! GET A 2 BY 8 AND KILL YOU! YfOuUcK try and and firger tat one out! I WANT TO HAVE KITTIEs! brecuz of yyour stinking finger i cannot have puppies and kitties in my hands at the ship! yyyyyyoooooouuuu arrrreeee nnnooottt cooollll….i demand a trial with a jury i pick out personnally and you will die. dont foget you will die. u should make the prisons more entertainig. put a chair up in my room. also a computer so ic can hak into you mind and screw up what somehow slipped away from bein screwed up. why would u work in a place lick dis? you get paid? i should have your gob. i am much more quallified dan you. i bet your name is nancy. what kind of a name is nancy for a warden of a prison where they hold a bunch of weirdos liek you een. slap slap slap. screamlikeamoron screamlikeamoron screamlikeamoron. bang bang bang. kill kill kill. eat eat eat. bang bang bang. slap slap slap. kill kill kill. sleep sleep sleep. I just discribed your everyday life.!’, yo should die. you our going to love to die. so satart crying you poo poo head. you shouldn’t dance like a hamster near anybody you know. you shouldnt dance a t all actualy poopp….knock knock, who’s there, you, you who? hi, you suck! guess what?>? its trues! i bet you dont wear shoes! are you a direct decendent of a lady named charles sheen and michale chakson? i bet you look like them. thank you good bye. no you cant come over to my house and have noodles. blah blah blah blah. fah-q fah-q. poopy head person. go poop in a sink you toilet brain. you sour punk. i oughtta bash your head in wit my steel guitar i brought from mexico. remember that i will este oompa on you ass one day in your life. watch you ass. hahaahahaha. i bet you’d actually look at it, wouldnt you? well poop on you. if you read it this far, i am amazed that you can read at all. and no, you cannot go on that date with me that i said you could go out with my dog skiwa and do something that i dont want you to behind my dog. you know what you’re gonna do with him. you shouldnt do things to dogs like that. poo poo brain i stick my tongue out to you =P =p



Rainforest Letter

Note: I wrote this for Regional Studies. I had to act like i cared about the deforestation of the rainforest. Which I kinda do in a sense…


999 Santa Street

Christmas, California

12- 6- 00


Brazilian Rainforest Advisory Board

999 Brazil Street

Brazilia, Brazil


Dear Sir:

I have a proposition to make about what should be done with the rainforest. You should outlaw the burning of rainforest trees, because they might get out of control and burn more than they intend to.

Also, if you’re going to want to get rid of some of the rainforest, you might as well cut it down to use the trees that had/would have been burned down as resources for local needs.

It is just plain wasteful to have things burnt down for no apparent reason other to clear it.

If you make burning down the rainforest illegal, it will discourage the burnings of the rainforest and will save more trees so that you may use those as things to build houses with, make paper with, or many other things you can do.

You can also use the rainforest for an Eco-tourism site and generate more cash than just using it for what you would have done before with other parts of the rainforest.

You should not cut down all of the Rainforest, because it isn’t going to be there forever if you keep cutting the trees down. Its not nice to live in a Ultra-Violet Sun Ray World.





Dave’s First Date

Well my first date started out ok. I drove up to her with my 82 diesel at 12:00, but that’s when Temporary Dad came out with a shotgun. She opened the door and got in in a hurry, but unfortunately the way I was going was uphill, so I was only going 25 mph, cause the car wouldn’t go over that going uphill. So it ended up with me and Temporary Dad getting into a hissy fit about me wanting to have anal sex with his temporary daughter. I told him not to worry, I wasn’t like that. Then he got happy and gave me the kiss on each cheek thing, then he said “have fun”

So we went to McDonalds. I only had 4 bucks, so i got the 39 cent hamburgers and yogurt parfait. Kimmy got the Big Mac meal, but I made her pay for it cause i only had 45 cents left. I offered it to her, but she didn’t want it.

While we were eating, we didn’t talk, and I just looked around. I ended up going into the playplace, playing the Nintendo games and climbing around in the ball room and the tubes until I got kicked out. She was in the bathroom, vomiting, and when she came out she said “lets go some place fun.” In response, I said “what’s more fun then the McDonald’s Playplace?” She gave me a cold stare, and I said, “ok lets go”

I drove over to the park, and there were lots of kids there. I ran over to the swings (there were only two of them) and the other was being used by another kid. I swung for about 10 minutes, and she watched me from a platform. Then I went down the swirly slide 5 more times. It didn’t look like Kimmy was having fun, because she was by my car door, tapping her foot with her arms crossed. By then it was already 5:00, and I could tell that I was either gonna get laid or get a slap in the face.

Well, I got the slap in the face. It’s not my fault she didn’t like to go down slides…

Good news ladies, I’m STILL available! ::wink::

(This is a work of fiction, by the way)



I got this on Sep. 30, 2002 at about 5:57:04…


From Farnelbee:

no offense, but your updates SUCK ASS. i’m a long time visitor on squackle. i remember when the updates used to tell you something. maybe about WHAT THE UPDATE WAS. and whats with this fucking poop troop? all my friends think it’s gay that you (davepoobond) screwed the other members out of their jobs. now some jackass poop troop member says something jackasstastic for each update, trying to be funny, BUT IT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY. ow… i’m getting sore. i’ll be back. i’m gonna start sending more complaints and shit.


davepoobond’s response:

I understand where you’re coming from, and I thank you for being a “long time visitor” as you put it. I don’t know how long you’ve been coming, but anything over 2 times is good enough for me. I don’t really know what you mean by “explaining,” before, I just said “there’s a new story in the stories section, and there’s a few new pictures, go there and figure out whats new” basically.

The reason behind the poop troops is so that you can know who is a part of the site, and you would see lots of stuff by (its not really the case for most of them), but I’m workin’ on too many things and too many ideas to really focus on the Poop Troops right now.

I don’t know what you mean by “screwing” the other Squackle members out of their jobs, if anything they screwed ME. Most of them have lost interest in Squackle, and haven’t been giving me anything really at all recently. I would love to have them give me stuff on a regular basis, but that’s just not the case with them. Once in a while I get things from stimpyismyname, but that’s it.

What would you like me to do for the updates if you don’t like how it is so much?


Turns out it was just stimpyismyname.


davepoobond’s Trip to Alcatraz

Note: I wrote this for English, and my teacher actually got mad at me because I didnt answer the question correctly


Well, the most exciting thing that happened to me over this summer. I really didn’t have much exciting things happen to me this summer, except sleeping, and watching TV. I did have one exciting thing happen to me over the summer though. I had gone to Alcatraz, where lots of infamous criminals had been. I had taken the “audio tour” and there was a lot of information about the blocks of jail blocks in the jail.

They named each of the 3 “streets.” One was Michigan Street, Main Street, and some other thing, I forgot. The floor was made out of concrete that looked like it hadn’t been repaved in ages. There was a lot of cracks in the floor, probably from the earthquakes that had hit San Francisco since the 50s.

The Audio Tour had said so much information about each little thing, and had these little sounds of jail cells closing and opening and ringing and whistling and shouting, you name anything that was in the jail, they put it on that tape.

The place that was spent most time at was the cafeteria. There was just a bunch of blue benches in rows, and a space in between some of them, where a table would be. The tape player told me that they had been served very good food, because the rest of the time that they were there were very bad conditions, there was no heat, because the windows were always open, and the sea breeze kept blowing in the jailhouse, and it wouldn’t have been pleasant at all.

After the audio tour, I had lost my family and walked around for like 10 minutes before I found them again. We got on the boat and went back to the mainland, resuming the rest of our vacation to San Francisco.


Dustbusting My Keyboard

i was dustbusting my keyboard and this came out:


Find Your Retard Nam

.-;;;;;;;;;;;; 9888888mmmmmmmmmm7 n666665v4444444x3222!!!!!!!A



If I Ruled The World

If I ruled the world, the first thing I’d do is put toilets on every street corner. If there aren’t any streets somewhere, they’ll just be built in a random place! Its good for dogs because they need a place to drink, and pee and poop if they like!

If theres ever a fire, the firefighters can just drop an end of the hose into the flush hole thingy and put out fires! There’ll also be a new job, called “flusher.” It’ll increase the work force of people that are homeless. They can just go over and flush a toilet that needs to be flushed, and get paid 10 bucks for doing a job well done. Speaking of homeless people, they can take baths, drink, or whatever with the toilet!

There will be a new government force of plumbers that will fix all the toilets when they are broken. If a store doesn’t let you go poopoo or peepee or take a bath in their toilet because you’re “not a customer” there are enough toilets for everyone! By the way, there are no walls or anything, just the toilet.

If you steal any of the toilets, I’ll come to your house, congratulate you, then break your neck and take all your girl scout cookies and whatnot.

The 2nd thing I would do, will be to get rid of fat smelly Health teachers. You shouldn’t be teaching Health if you’re fat and need to work on personal hygeine. People might think, “Oh, so I can be healthy AND fat and smell!” Nuh uh, no way. We want society to get better, not fatter and smellier, and they’re influencing that!


Things I Would Take From This Era To 1580

I would take these things:

– Stuff that Shakespere hasn’t written yet, but is still his, and claim it as my own work, so I can get money for them selling copies and stuff

– Shoes, so i can put them on my feet

– A large cardboard box to live in, so I won’t be homeless

– A big box of markers, so I can have fun and write criptic messages on things to scare people


A Letter Home

May 14, 1545

I am tired of knights bossing me around. Especially El Jousto. He is such a beef-witted person he makes me fighteth for him and he gets all thy credit. All thy other knights that bosseth me around are making me do more and more. Pretty soon they might endeth up liketh El Jousto…I must go now, El Jousto wants me to feedeth thee, for now I will poison thee so I may become the next El Jousto!


What a Life!

Assignment: As a peasant farmer, write an entry in your diary describing how you feel about your lot in life


Apulis (April) 14,

It is very boring. We have not had any wars for some time now. I am beginning to think that we don’t need anymore knights. We have been at the training center for months doing the same thing. We are getting bored. maybe we should start a war with Spain


Proud About 8th Grade

I am proud of a few things that i am proud of about 8th grade

1. I started playing a lot more video games

2. I started playing a lot more computer stuff too

3. I had a lot of fun playing video games and computer games

4. My first quarter report card, compared to the other (2.33 babyyyy!)

High School Goals:

I would like to get good grades in high school, so I can get a job that pays money


If I Had a Bathroom Key…

If I found a bathroom key to the 7/8 bathrooms, next year i can open the 7/8 bathrooms, which are nicer and cleaner than the ol’ dirty ciggarette smelling high school bathrooms with my very own bathroom key, unless they change all the locks though, then its useless. i could probably get into reg. classrooms with the key…but i doubt it. haha…go in there and steal a VCR from a teacher i hate. then i wont have to buy one


i’ll bring a bunch of my friends. we’ll steal the tv, and some more vcrs…probably a few more tvs, but thats when we get a truck, and a few guns, masks, gloves, black clothes, during the night making sure there are no janitors out on the prowel

but, then again, if its just a bathroom key…all we can steal is a towel roll, the knobs on the faucets, and break the towel dispensor

hehe…i’d like to see those stupid new 8th graders use those faucets…

pee all over the mirrors too. when they look in the mirror at their reflection

ohh boy!

they’ll either try to wipe it off to see a clearer view of them or something. hehe….also take the toilet flusher handle thingys off the high powered “toilets.” i mean…you have to have some pretty big pieces of shit to use a high powered toilet

…so we’ll take those off, not like anybody uses them anyway

and if anybody DOES use them…they’ll be in for a surprise they’ll probably have to use a stick they found outside jam it into where the handle used to be and try and flush it without breaking the stick.


we’ll also take the doors to the toilets. no one uses them toilets, so why do they need doors? and….we’ll take the handles off the urinals

are you even listening?

well, anyway

then we’d go to the men’s bathroom which is much more nicer, so we’ll fuck that up more then go to the girls bathroom do the same crap, but on the door to the bathroom we’ll spray paint “no pussies aloud” and on the door of the toilets, we wont take those because they deserve their privacy…


then we’d go to the women’s bathroom and equally fuck that up

but 7 times more


i wonder what the charge for all of that would be if we got caught..

anyway, that would be cool

we’d probably get 98 counts of vandalism, give or take a few hundred counts…we’ll also get 5 consecutive lifetimes in prison or a few dozen more…

hehe…that would be cool…


If I Made the Republics of Antarctica and the Arctic

When I am bored in the future, I will proclaim Antarctica and the Arctic their own republic and gain freedom from the oppression given on the republics by the U.S. and Russia and any other countries that fucked with the Earth’s poles. I’ll go across the world, finding homeless people, and give them igloo mansions, money, and a job at the zoos in Antarctica and the Arctic. Our main income would be from zoos, and the main attractions would be polar bears and penguins. And we’ll become an imperialist nation and take over Greenland in a war, then slowly take over all the uninhabited islands of Canada that they don’t even use. Then, take over all the uninhabited islands of the Pacific, and everywhere else in the world that is uninhabited. Then when our forces got big enough, we’ll take over Bahrain! The republic of Antartica and Arctic live on forever! Sa-loot!