Category Archives: Screwed Up Chronicles

Rants, raves, and reviews on politics, products, and more.

What is Culture?

Culture is a way of life made up of religion and values, languages, social, or qanizahms customs and traditions, artistic expressions, and economic orginizations made by stupid people, during stupid, untechnological times that probably cant explain what a piece of poop in a can of beans is doing there in the first place, or tell you why i’m writing this thing!

Trash Cans – The Portal to Another World

Have you ever been in a trash can? I haven’t, but I’ll tell you why trash cans may be the portal to another world. It may not be an instantaneous portal, but it’s a portal nonetheless.

 

Pretend you’re a Hostess Cup Cake Tray. Oh boy did the person that ate those cupcakes like those cupcakes. “mmmhmm” he even said, as he crumpled you up and stepped on you, that torturous bastard!

 

But you live anyway, as you’re tossed into the trash can. You try to heal your wounds, but it takes a while. That’s when a Janitor Monster comes. He’s so big and smelly its not even funny. He ties up the bag you’ve made a home in, and met your friends Banana Peel and Clothes Tag.

 

Everything is dark now. You’re moving around…going up…oh no! You’re falling! Aaaahhh!!! And finally you’re at the landfill. Nothing happens until night, when…The Aliens COME!!! AAAH!! They take the trash and make new aliens out of you so that one day, the Earth’s trash will kill them! Ironic ain’t it? The aliens give you a lot of sexual pleasure too. Its good to be trash!

It Would Be Really Strange If Cameras Flew

It would be really strange if cameras flew, because they do. Then people with genitalia problems would not be cured, of course. And fire hydrants would explode, just because. There is no reason for cameras to fly, they just take pictures. Pictures steal a soul. Once you die, you become a part of all the pictures that were taken of you for eternity. That is, if you’re lucky. ahahahahahahaahahahahahaha….boo! Scared ya, huh? boohoo, made you cry! Captain Underpants! That’s a good book, you should get it. mmhmm! I have 1 of the 3 that are out.

What Teachers Think About Those “Stupid Clicky Eraser Thingys!”

This portrays what a teacher thinks about when they hear a Clicky Eraser.

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“Aaargh those stupid clicky erasers! stop it! stop using them! Nooooo! click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click-click! AAAHHH! Its driving me CRAZY! I’m gonna kill that kid! I’m gonna kill the manufactures! I’m gonna kill everyone who has one of them! …good, it stopped! click-click-click-click. AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Ok, get a hold of yourself! umm…sing Lamchop’s play along song! Yeah! That’s it! Its a never-ending song! This is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends. click-click-click-click. This is the click that never ends, it goes on and on my friends! (the fuck?) We just started clicking, not knowing what it was, but that’s because because it is the click that never ends!”

Just about then, this teacher, which will remain anonymous, strangled someone, was sued, and is now piss poor. Too bad, just because of a clicky eraser, this honors physics college professor lost everything he had. The only defense he had during trial was “that stupid clicky eraser!”

Literacy Rates

Literacy Rate is important. No one wants a stupid country. That’s just not good. Who wants to be allies with a country during a war that can’t read any of the things you send them saying, “hold your fire! we’re not going to war!” and instead, they bomb the whole damn country that you would have gone to war with. Please learn to read and write. (but if you can’t read, why are you here?)

Telemarketers

Stupid people that call you with stupid things to sell. That’s the definition of a telemarketer. They waste your precious time on earth, with a stupid phone call that 99.9% of the people They call don’t buy the thing They’re selling. It makes me sick to just even think about being one of Them. They just call people all day, with a bunch of big fat phonebooks skimming down each name, not caring if they already called them, and the things that other people might do to you if they found out who you were. That’s why there shouldn’t be any telemarketers in the world. It would be a lot more peaceful place without them.

Pollution

Pollution sucks. All these cars in the world. All these stupid smokers that smoke cigarrettes, cigars, marijuana, whatever. Those stupid arsonists. Those stupid fires. Stupid gas companies All those pollute the world. Littering doesn’t help at all either. One day this world will blow up because of all the pollution the worlds been polluted with. It wouldn’t matter if a nuclear bomb was launched and blew up the world, or a meteor came and blew it up, or some aliens came to blow the world up. It would only be an amount of time before some idiot strikes a match and all the pollution in the air implodes the earth. That’s why we should stop pollution now, and save what little things that we are going to inherit in the future, so that WE can pollute it, at least….we can’t let the grown ups have all the fun, right?

Brazil: Version 1 of the President of Brazil’s Inaugural Speech

Made in conjunction with davepoobond.

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Hello, we’re government leaders, we like pie. Of course, for a better Brazil, of course. We love the Amazon. We love to cut it down!! =) I have a VCR. I’m glad, because I’m recording this right now. Then I can rewind it and play it over and over! Spank me! I like beer. I drank 3 cases before I came today. I’m not drunk! Despite what you may think, of course, of course. In conclusion, we pee on donkey’s backs. Thank you, good night.

USA: What a Pissy Girl

Found this in a newspaper:

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===NEWS FLASH!!!===

 

OUCH!!

 

Relationship goes sour as girl, 16, glues boyfriend’s penis to his body

 

Associated Press

 

CAMP HILL, Pa. — A 16-year-old Pennsylvania girl is accused of gluing her 21-year-old boyfriend’s penis to his abdomen to punish him for lying about another relationship.

 

Police in Camp Hill, Pa., said the man went to the hospital but was told there was nothing he could do except soak his penis until it freed itself.

 

A police sergeant said the two were sitting on the sofa when the girl did it during what he described as “some type of intimate encounter.” The sergeant said the girl had the Super Glue and “seized the moment.”

 

She has been charged with simple assault.

USA: Thoughts on George W. Bush

This is a simple topic, he is an idiot. After being in office for a little more than a month he already decided to bomb another country. He only does what his father wants him to do. I mean who is our president? Old George or George JR? I truly believe that Al Gore should’ve won the race for president but I suppose there is nothing we can do about it.

The Mystic Weed

Ok this 7th grader dude was telling indian stories when he tells us about the mystic weed.These beaver brothers hand to get pipes, fire, and the weed. Then they were in a cabian smoking the mystic weed when some lady looks through a hole at them. So they invite her to smoke the mystic weed that fills them with happiness. All the time our teacher is looking at him like hmmmmm….. I’d like some mystic weed right about now

A Story About a Phone and My Head

I was hanging out in my sister’s room for a while. After an hour she got annoyed because I was making fun of her while she was on the phone, so I tackled her into the ground. Then she attacked me with her brand new phone, smacking it against my head and it broke. She tried forcing me out of her room. After ten minutes of laughing I left willingly. The phone didn’t even hurt me.

USA: Death and Dying in the American Civil War

Lots of people died in the civil war. If you didn’t die, you would go to a hospital, where they did nasty things. They amputated, the hospital conditions were bad, and there were lots of infections.

The hospitals weren’t very clean at all, because most officers didn’t discipline it at all.

The cure for inflammation was to increase the rations of the sick soldier, and make him ride a horse. Another cure for it was to use leeches to suck about 15 ounces of blood out if him. If a limb had to be amputated, the doctors would use saws that looked like hack saws or solid saws.

They had lots of different kinds of ambulances in the civil war. The first kind had four wheels. The newer ones had two wheels. They could hold four wounded soldiers. One design was with two baskets on each side of a horse to carry wounded soldiers. The ambulances went in long trains. The doctor’s knapsacks were really just big filling cabinets, but they had medicine in them instead of files. Other knapsacks they had were just big. One wagon was invented that had four beds, one on top of the other. It didn’t work because it was too top-heavy. Even newer ambulances were mostly full of medicines, and could fit few soldiers in them.

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