Squackle Adages

A Squackle Adage follows the following formula:

1) Take a cliche/famous/inspirational/motivational quote.

2) Reverse two words in the phrase, particularly the important subject that is being addressed

3) Create new, hilarious meaning from something old and stale!

Here’s a list of the best ones and some sort of explanation as to what the “new quote” means.  If you’ve got some to add, comment below.

Better to not have it and not need it, than need it and have it.
(Original: Better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.)

Explanation: You’d rather not have things you wouldn’t usually want and actually need to use it.

I am feet on my light.
(Original: I am light on my feet)

Explanation:  I’m just a normal ass person who walks on top of light just like everyone else.

Out of miracles grow difficulties.
(Oiriginal: Out of difficulties grow miracles.)

Explanation: Miracles are hard to compare to after they occur.

Try to be a cloud in someone’s rainbow.
(Original: Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.)

Explanation: Fuck happy people.

Change your world and you change your thoughts.
(Oiriginal: Change your thoughts and you change your world.)

Explanation: You won’t be the same person when the world around you is different.

No act of waste, no matter how small, is ever kind.
(Original: No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.)

Explanation: If you waste something, you’re an asshole.

If lemons give you lemonade, make life.
(Original: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade)

Explanation: If you get lemonade from lemons, impregnate something.

You don’t take 100% of the shots you miss.
(Original: You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.)

Explanation: If you miss you may as well have not done it.

Don’t smile because it happened, cry because it’s over.
(Original: Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.)

Explanation: You should feel bad about the thing you liked not being around anymore.

No gain, no pain.
(Original: No pain, no gain)

Explanation: If I don’t gain, then I don’t get hurt.  Cool.

What doesn’t make you stronger, kills you.
(Original: What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger)

Explanation: Everything kills you.

If you don’t have anything at all to say, don’t say anything nice.
(Original: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.)

Explanation: You’re telling someone to shut up, basically, but in an even more assholish way than the “original” saying.

A doctor a day, keeps the apple away.
(Original: An apple a day, keeps the doctor away.)

Explanation: If you see a doctor everyday then you can refrain from having to eat so many damn apples.

Those who wait come to good things.
(Original: Good things come to those who wait.)

Explanation: If you wait longer you’ll “come” to something better than you had originally waited for.  So just keep waiting forever and never get anything!

Unexpect the expected.
(Original: Expect the unexpected)

Explanation: Forget what usually happens, even though its going to keep happening.

A thought for your penny?
(Original: A penny for your thoughts?)

Explanation: If I tell you something, will you pay me?

It’s going to be not impossible but hard is hard.
(Original: It’s going to be hard but hard is not impossible.)

Explanation: Don’t kid yourself, you’re going to have a hard time doing this shit.

If at average you don’t succeed; you are running about first.
(Original: If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average.)

Explanation: If you usually don’t succeed, you’re probably doing something else.

Someday in a week, seven days isn’t one of them.
(Original: Seven days in a week, someday isn’t one of them.)

Explanation: One of the days in the week is not considered to be worth seven days.

People often complain about the lack of direction when the lack of time is the real problem.
(Original: People often complain about lack of time when the lack of direction is the real problem.)

Explanation: You might think you’re on the wrong path, but you really just don’t have enough time to do it right.  So half-ass it.

 

Quote #24596

My self-summary

“im not looking for a relationship or anything like that so any message asking me to be your girlfriend will get trashed. also please dont try and talk with me not here to converse just here to sell. sorry
im here to fulfill a fetish a lot of men have and thats buying used panties. you heard right. im selling my dirty panties to anyone who is interested.
please dont message me asking for sex and/or friendship. i am only looking to sell.
my delicious panties are $40 each and i do give discounts to clients who buy a few pairs so message me ONLY if you’re interested.
we can either meet up or i can mail them to you. sorry i dont drive to anyone that lives outside of LA.”

What I’m doing with my life

“selling my delicious panties”

I spend a lot of time thinking about

“all the men that love my panties”

On a typical Friday night I am

“selling panties”

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

“it turns me on when guys buy my panties”

You should message me if

“you want a pair of my used panties”

 

– from a girl’s dating profile

 

Quote #24535

“According to some lady named Jessica who has an office literally in the middle of a train station with no walls around her, we have won a $50,000 home makeover (cool!!) and a 7 day trip to any location in the United States (wow!!).

She works for a company named Direct Buy and I saved her phone number in the phone (under the name “Scammer”) in case we get another call from her company.  I asked her for a web site and what her full name was but she hung up on me 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁  I am sure she will call back because this random selection process that she had told us about sounds like an amazingly legitimate prize.”

– davepoobond, e-mailing his co-workers after receiving a phone call from a scammer

 

Quote #24499

At work, I was getting a call from Crios.  I was letting the phone ring a little bit longer than usual because I as typing something.  Right before the last ring I picked it up.

Crios (screaming):  PICK UP THE PHONE, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

davepoobond: Hi… how’s it going?

Crios: OH.  Sorry.  I wasn’t directing that at you, it was just a little road rage.

davepoobond: Oh, okay…

And then I helped him out with his issue.