Explorers in Columbus, OH have reported an amazing discovery. They have found traces of a basketball team at The Ohio State University.
Q: In baseball, what’s at home plate?
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
“There,” said one of the golfers, “is a guy who hates to lose his ball!”
Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Harry, “What should we do?”
“I’m not sure.” said his partner. “But don’t move him! If we just leave him here he’s an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty.”
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,
“You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”
“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”
“Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, “I need a baseball quote.”
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra’s famous “It ain’t over ’til it’s over!”
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, “What was that?”
“You asked me for a baseball quote,” I responded, “and that was the first thing that came into my head.”
“Oh,” she replied. “My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote.”
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: “Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?”
When a golf supply store near our house went under, the only evidence it had existed was a sign that read “Hole in One Golf Supplies.”
Recently, a new company moved into the building. Rather than throw away the sign, the owners merely made a few edits. The sign now reads “Hole for One Mortuary Supplies.”
A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he’s driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, “Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?”
“Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I’m driving.”
“Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.”
A professor at the Michigan State University was known for giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures.
At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each hackneyed phrase.
For example, when the professor said, “On the other hand,” that counted as a base hit. “By the same token” was a strike out; “and so on” counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent but vigorous baseball.
On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly.
Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures.
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one hell of a putt…”
A foursome teed off on the long par-3. The green on this hole lay behind a large bunker, so any shot that made the green would disappear over the top ridge of bunker and you couldn’t tell where your ball landed until you arrived on the green.
After the last player hit his shot, the first golfer to hit charged off down the fairway, without waiting for the others. He disappeared over the bunker and seconds later came running back down the fairway yelling and screaming, “I got a hole-in-one! I don’t believe it!”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” said the others. “You run ahead of us down the fairway and disappear behind that bunker, and now, all of a sudden, you claim you have a hole-in-one. How stupid do you think we three are?”
“No, no. It’s true. I swear it,” he said crossing his heart. “Go look. I left it in the hole to prove it.”
Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.
George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, ‘I can make this putt.’
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet…and George is too.
Q: What do you call a zebra that can’t see?
A: A referee.
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los Angeles Dodgers one night.
Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball.
Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turns to me and says… “That was nice! How many of those do you get a game?”
Q: What do boxers do if they catch fire?
A: Stop, drop and roll with the punches.