Pie-der Man

The way I made this, is so that the main character can easily be “known” where he would be during the times in the actual Spiderman movie, and sometimes is actually around where Peter Parker is…yeah..


(the camera swoops in on Nickelback and the guy from Saliva on top of a building singing)Saliva guy: somebody told meeeee

Both: that a heroooo can save us! I’m not standin’ here a-waittttinnnggg and…

(they keep singing)

(a sniper team runs through a door to the roof Nickelback is on, and they shoot everyone in the head)

Commander: god damn I hate that song.

(scene switches to Liter Carker)

(Liter is an annoying little shit with huge ass glasses and a Batman shirt)

Liter: oh man…almost got it….

(Liter is by his window looking at Mary Jane in her house, beating his shit. Liter lives on the other side of Peter Parker)

Liter: oh yeah there it is.

(Liter throws his sock into the hamper and zips up his pants. His brother comes in)

Meter: Hey, Liter. I lost a sock, mind if I use yours? Thanks pal.

(Meter picks up the sock Liter just used and goes back to his room)

Liter: oh shit. I better get to school before Meter puts his foot into my jizz.

(Liter puts his backpack on and runs out the door, before his aunt and uncle say anything to him. Liter closes the door with a slam. Uncle Bone Saw McGraw looks at Aunt Chyna)

Randy: what was his hurry?

Chyna: I honestly don’t have a clue

Meter (from upstairs): what the FUCK!

(scene switches to Liter getting on the bus, going all the way to the back)

Liter: phew…

(the bus goes, and after a while, Peter Parker runs after the bus)

Liter: haha, that stupid ass

(the bus driver, being the asshole he is, doesn’t stop for Peter)

Mary Jane: Stop! He’s been chasing after us since that street behind us!

Bus driver: alright fine

(the bus stops, and Peter gets on)

Peter: than….k…you….

Liter (whispering): what a fag

(at school)

Teacher: ok, assholes, get on the bus, lets go to that stupid science place thing with the genetically altered spiders and other scientific junk

Student: why are we going, again?

Teacher: shut yo mouth

(Tanya, a fairly ugly girl with herpes, walks over to Liter)

Tanya: hi Liter

Liter: hi Tanya

Tanya: excited about the field trip?

Liter: sure…

(behind Liter, you can see Peter Parker going around taking pictures and being annoying)

Teacher: on the bus, assholes!

Tanya: comon, let’s go!

(Tanya tugs on Liter, but unfortunately for Liter there were 2 buses going on field trips that day. The one he was supposed to get on and the kindergarten one going to the Genetically Altered Pie Factory. Before Liter can notice this, he was shoved on board with Tanya. The bus driver drives away thinking they were the teachers.)

Liter: uhh….I think this is the wrong bus

Tanya: crap, children. I’m allergic to those.

Bus driver: hey, are you guys the teachers? You look dorky and ugly enough

Liter: shut the hell up. No we’re not

Bus driver: too bad! You are now! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(an hour later, the Bus driver is still laughing)

Liter: Shut up! You stupid old asshole!

Bus driver: oh-ho! Just see if I’ll come and pick you guys up!

Liter: you can’t leave us here with 30 kindergarteners!

Bus driver: watch me. Muhh! Muhhhh! Muhahahahaha! We’re here, get off.

(everyone gets off, and Tanya has a few kindergarteners hanging off her)

Tanya: help me, Liter!

Liter: die, stupid bitch

(Tanya didn’t hear that because a kindergartener screamed in her ear)

Tanya: oh man, I need some Asprin…

Liter: well, we might as well go to the pie factory

(the bus drives off just as the last kid gets his leg off)

(a clown jumps out of nowhere)

Clown: howdy howdy howdy! I’m a clown, and I’ll be your tour guide today!

Liter: where’d you come from!?

Clown: blah blah blah lets go

(everyone goes into the pie factory)

Clown: this is the entrance, and Pies of Fame Corridor. Who cares about that though! Let’s go into the radioactive bakery!

(everyone piles into a dimly lit room, with a big turbine spinning around)

Clown: look what I found! A genetically altered and potentially dangerous pieee!

(Clown slams it in Liter’s face)

Clown: bwahahahahaha!

(scenes of DNA being replaced with multicolored things is shown)

Liter: you stupid fuck! You got pie in my pocket protector! You-die-NOW!

(Liter slams his hands together)

Liter: these hands of mine are burning red! It tells me to destroy you! Shiniiingggg Fingeeerrrrr!

(Liter leans back and then slams his hand into Clown’s face, holding onto it)

Clown: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

(nothing happens after a while. Just a really long squeaking from the clown’s nose)

Liter: hey! Why didn’t you blow up? It always worked on G Gundam…

Clown: ha! Loser! Don’t you know its just a TV show?

Liter: no! it’s a lie! You lie! Its REAL!

Clown: bwahahahaha!

(Liter falls on the ground in a fetal position. The kindergarteners all take out shotguns and start shooting shit up)

Leader Kindergartner: take the fort, men! Don’t leave any survivors!

(but that’s a different story)

(later on in the day, the bus full of the kindergarteners drives by school, at 50 mph, tossing Tanya and Liter out)

Liter (rolling on the ground): ah shit

Tanya (getting up): what the hell happened?

Liter: nothing. I’m going home

Tanya: can I go, too?

Liter: ….to YOUR house, sure

(Liter runs away)

(at home)

Bone Saw McGraw: yo bitch

Chyna: yes, my lovely husband?

Bone Saw McGraw: where be our nephew?

(Liter comes in the door)

Liter: hi parents. I don’t feel too good, I’m going to bed

Chyna: that’s good

Bone Saw McGraw: hey there nephew, how about you come over here, and sit on ol’ daddy’s lap? I need to talk to ye!

Liter: um no its ok, I’m going to bed

(Liter goes to bed)

(next day)

(Liter gets up and looks at himself in the mirror)

Liter: yeah that’s it baby, give me some more

(Liter poses in the mirror. Nothing changed about him from the day before)

Liter: time to jack off

(Liter drops his pants and sits on his chair by the window)

Liter: Mary Jaaaane…where arrreee youuuu? I’ve got a nice, big Klingon cock for you to use your lasers on….

(Mary Jane doesn’t come to her window like she usually does)

Liter: dammit.

(Liter pulls up his pants)

Liter: now I’m going to be in a bad mood today…

(Liter goes downstairs)

Bone Saw McGraw: hey kiddo! I’m gonna be late coming home from work today. They’ve got me doin’ one of those things where people stay in the ring for 3 minutes with my raging fists of anger from atop the heavens ooooh yeah brother, you’d better believe it!

Chyna: I do!

Bone Saw McGraw: shut your bitch trap!

Liter: I don’t care.

(Bone Saw McGraw is hurt very much by this comment)

Bone Saw McGraw: go on to school now…

(Bone Saw McGraw sighs and looks down on the ground)

(Liter leaves)

Chyna: I’m sure he didn’t mean it

Bone Saw McGraw: I SAID SHUT YOUR BITCH TRAP, WOMAN!

(Bone Saw McGraw picks up a steel chair and slams it into Chyna’s side)

Chyna: oh I love it when you beat me down!

Randy: yaaaaarghhh!!

(at school. Its lunch)

Liter: man, I feel like eating a pie for some reason

(Liter picks up a Hostess apple fruit pie and buy sit)

(Liter is about to pen it when Tanya knocks into Liter over and over as she talks)

Tanya: hey Liter! Hey Liter hey Liter!

Liter: stop pushing me!

(Tanya backs off and jumps up and down)

Tanya: Peter Parker and that jackass that I wanna give an STD are fighting!

Liter: oh shit, I gotta see this. Peter is going to get whipped creamed!

(Liter runs into the hall where a crowd has gathered, and as soon as he got with the crowd, Peter punches the jackass and the jackass slides away on the floor)

Liter: what the hell? That makes no sense…

(Mary Jane yells something at Peter then goes away)

(later on, at home)

Chyna: emergency, emergency! Randy-I mean Bone Saw has been beaten at the wrestling tournament

Liter: oh no!

Chyna: some guy named Spider Man beat him down! We need to go to the hospital

(the scene switches to Bone Saw McGraw on a hospital bed, going through doors)

Doctor: common! The baby is going to come any minute!

Bone Saw McGraw: I ain’t havin’ baby, mister! You stop this bed before I clash my raging fists into your face, ooooh yeah brother!

Doctor: get the tranqs…this man is clearly delirious of his state. He is pregnant.

(Bone Saw McGraw wakes up)

Bone Saw McGraw: nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

(Chyna and Liter are in the room)

Liter: Randy, what happened

Randy: I hed a nightmare! They was takin’ me to the operating room cause they said I had a baby in my stomach, but I was tellin’ them otherwise but then tranquilized me!

Chyna: uhhh….hunh….

Randy: ooooh, I’m gonna kil that Spider Man for puttin’ me here!

(Randy pounds his fist into his hand, and then grabs his shoulder, cause it hurts)

Bone Saw McGraw: oh well, let’s see what’s on the tube

TV: Today, a man died because he was shot. His name was Uncle Ben or something. And no, he didn’t make the food company, because the guy that died is white, like everyone else in New York, in this movie. In other news, Bone Saw McGraw aka Randy Savage was beaten by a scrawny little kid who could take a mean jump to the top of the cage, in the cage match. And I’m pissed off cause I bet on that match.

(it shows some footage from the fight)

TV: look at Randy fall, what an idiot-

Bone Saw McGraw: enough of this crap!

(Bone Saw McGraw turns it off)

Bone Saw McGraw: promise me, Liter, that one day that you, my adopted son, will be above the heavens and kill Spider Man. Me and your mom will teach you the ways of the wrestler – the unsafe way

Liter: don’t I get a say in this?

Bone Saw McGraw: no.

(the camera pans to the left, and a guy in a suit is there)

Guy: and so Liter trained and trained, and soon learned how to kick ass, fake and for real.

(a shot of Liter bodyslamming Randy onto the mat)

Liter (flexing): yeah!

(Bone Saw, a little disoriented, gives a thumbs up as the scene cross fades to Liter sitting at a desk)

Guy: Liter kept up with his studies, too, just in case he ever had to be in a spelling bee with Spider-Man

(the TV, showing scenes of Spider Man saving everyone at the parade from the Green Goblin)

Liter: that damn Spider Man!

(Liter throws some popcorn at the TV as it cross fades again)

Guy: Liter was also on WWE Tough Enough, but lost to a girl with big breasts

(a part of the episode displays)

(Liter is giving a “confession”)

Liter: seriously, do they think they can really win? I have muscles the size of their mom’s asses combined and-

(it cuts a girl, Ashley)

Ashley: boy, does Liter SMELL! We’re living in this big mansion and it smells like a dump! What kind of a mansion is like that? God, I need to get drunk

(cuts back to Liter)

Liter: ok, I admit I have some….”problems,” but so is the life of a wrestler! We shave our pits! Uncle Bone Saw said so himself…

(cuts to George)

George: what a bastard, every time we’re in the ring, having a friendly spar, he always grabs me and throws me out of the ring. I bet he thinks he can’t win fairly, so he’s going to try to injure us all! But I’m no baby, and he ain’t my mom throwing me from the crib!

(cuts to George and Ashley making out at a bar, both drunk)

Liter: that bastard George, I wanted to get some of that ass, but I’m still a virgin….did I just say that?

(cross fades to Liter at home lifting weights)

(Bone Saw bursts through the door)

Bone Saw McGraw: the Green Goblin died! Dammit! Time for a new super villain. Getchyo ass upstairs and start destroying stuff! OOOOH yeah, brother!

(scene cuts to Liter grabbing an old lady and punching her in the arm)

Old Lady: ow! Ow! Help me!

Liter: yes, old lady, scream for help! Call for Spider Man!

(Old Lady takes out a bottle from her purse)

Old Lady: how about I call MaceMan?

Liter: eh?

(Old Lady sprays mace into Liter’s eyes)

Liter (falling to the ground): IT BURNS!!

Old Lady: ahahahah! Die SUCKA!

(Old Lady keeps spraying Liter until its empty, then she takes out the Amazing Sharper Image Fold-up-into-your-purse-able pogo stick and jumps off)

(Liter is on the ground shaking)

(scene cuts to Liter on a chair)

Bone Saw McGraw: an old lady. Beat you….my son?

Liter: she had very potent mace Uncle Randy. It was MaceMan mace!

Bone Saw McGraw: there is no sucha thing! She was making fun of you, because you trying to make her call Spider Man! Can’t-you-make-that CONNECTION?

Liter: ………………………………………………………………………………………………..no……………..

Bone Saw McGraw: go to your room until the burning wears off!

Liter: but I have 15 coats of mace on! She sprayed a hairspray bottle full of that shit on me! I even have a shine to my skin!

Bone Saw McGraw: Don’t make me punish you more, that IS your punishment oooh yeah brother!

Guy: so Liter stayed there for 3 full days building uphis rage

Liter: that damn Spider Man made me get sprayed by mace and made me stay in here. OOOOOH I HATE HIM!

(scene switches to Bone Saw McGraw throwing Liter out of the house)

Bone Saw McGraw: and don’t come back until you kill Spider Man! Or until its dinner-time!

(Bone Saw McGraw slams the door)

Liter: the world will crumble when Liter Carker unleashes his terror onto the streets)

(what happened to Meter Carker after all this time, you may ask?)

(Meter Carker is in Vegas playing CRAPS)

Meter: comonnn….aww man!

Dealer: you lost, and you have no money anymore

Meter: fine, if I lose, I’ll give a BJ to someone for each $100 they put down for me

(Michael Jackson puts down $10,000 for Meter)

Michael: make him lose, deala

Meter: ……….shit…

(anyway. That could be a different story, tell me if you want it to be)

(anyway)

Liter: hmm…how to drive out Spider Man…

(Mary Jane walks across the street)

Liter: whoah, is that Mary Jane?

Mary Jane: uhh….

(Mary Jane looks over to Liter)

Mary Jane: who are you again?

Liter: Liter Carker!

Mary Jane: Liter Carker? You’ve….gotten….

Liter: stronger? Sexier?

Mary Jane: smellier….I thought Ashley was over exaggerating, but you reek.

Liter: ………..yeah…..well…..

Mary Jane: bye….

(Meanwhile, atop a building, Spider Ma is watching the scene)

Spider Man: hmm! Who the hell is that? He’s crampin in on my territory!

(Spider Man swings down and kicks Liter in the chest, and Liter flies into a tree)

Liter: what da FUCK!

Spider Man: you stupid FUCK! Mary Jane is mine!

Liter: your MOMS mine!

Spider Man: my mom’s dead

Liter: oh….

(Spider Man wraps Liter in web fluid)

Spider Man: hahahah! Sucka!

(Spider Man flies off)

Liter: I’ll get you Spider Man!

(Liter struggles around and the fruit pie he bought 5 years ago drops out of his pocket. Liter bursts out of the webbing and picks up the pie)

Liter: hmm…might as well eat it

(camera swoops into Liter’s mouth as he eats the pie. When he does, he “powers up.” His muscles get bigger and he squeezes the pie, and it smooshes)

Liter: whoaaa! I got stronger! Now I can kick Spider Man’s ass

(Liter picks up a lamp post out of the ground and flies into the air. He eventually catches up to Spider Man)

Spider Man: what the hell? How can you fly? And where did you get that lamp post from?

Liter: what? Do you want one? Here!

(Liter slams it into Spider Man’s face and he drops onto the street, getting hit by a few cars)

(Liter lands next to Spider Man’s mangled body)

Liter: ah haha!

(Liter raises his hands up, as he laughs, and 2 pies appear in his hands)

Liter: what the hell?

(Liter looks at the pies in his hand and tosses it at SpiderMan)

(a huge explosion. Liter flies into the air crashing into a building)

Liter: hey hey! How about that?

(a spinning newspaper goes up to the camera out of nothing, and headlines read: “Spider Man dead, Pie-der Man born!” another headline says “Spider Man pieces scavenger hunt! Lots of fun!”)

Liter: bwahahahaha! Now I’m the stupid guy that saves the city! Shower me with gifts!

(Liter is sitting on a throne, and a line of people with wrapped packages go by one by one dropping off the present)

(while Liter is enjoying his “royal status” an evil presence was looming by, atop a building)

(Michael Jackson and Meter Carker, with one hand around each other’s waists, looking over the city)

MJ: all this will be ours, Meter

Meter: yes.

(both laughing): bwahhahaahah!

(end)

(believe it or not this is my lead off for a sequel. You DO want a sequel don’t you? And what happened to Tanya? Find out next time, in Pie-der Man 2: Hide Your Kids, MJ is here!)

 

Bleeding Eyes / The River

This script was later loosely used in creating a movie called The River, made by the members of Squackle. Later on, there was a “Director’s Cut” Released, which was a cleaned up version of the first movie.

Original version:

 

Director’s Cut:

 

 

NARRATOR (voice over):

Everybody has a story to tell. His is just more extraordinary than most.

CUT TO:

EXT: A park. Oliver Crane is sitting on a bench with a pile of computer books at his side. He is a large, overweight young person with long greasy hair and sloppy clothes. The book he is reading is entitled “Computer Programming in the BASIC Language”. Two other young people walk by. One of them yells

YOUNG PERSON 1:

Hey loser, BASIC’s dead.

Oliver looks up with a hurt look on his face. After the kids pass laughing he says

OLIVER:

But my only computer is a 1983 Apple IIGS.

.Oliver puts his hands on his face and begins to cry.

NARRATOR (voice over):

Believe it or not, that was the start of a beautiful relationship. Between a boy and his eyes.

Oliver takes his hands away and they are covered in blood.

Cue Music: “I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight”

CUT TO:

Title Screen: “Bleeding Eyes”.

CUT TO:

Picture of extremely cute baby.

NARRATOR (voice over):

Some people are born cute.

CUT TO:

Picture of extremely ugly baby.

NARRATOR (voice over):

Oliver Crane was not.

CUT TO:

Picture of ugly toddler.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He was ugly as a toddler

CUT TO:

Picture of ugly little kid.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He was ugly as a little kid.

CUT TO:

Picture of ugly kid at about age 10.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He was ugly as a ten year old.

CUT TO:

Picture of the kid previously seen in the first scene.

NARRATOR (voice over):

And he was an ugly teen. For some people obesity is a disease, for others it’s a way of life.

CUT TO:

Picture of Oliver with a big sandwich.

CUT TO:

Oliver is walking down the hall with his head down. The hall is empty. He approaches a locker and makes an attempt to open it. It refuses to open. He repeats this motion throughout the narration.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He was your typical high school student. President of the chess team, the drum line, and the computer club.

He was notorious for sitting in corners and crying for a half an hour or more.

Oliver gives up and screams with rage as he kicks and punches the locker. Realizing this was a bad idea, he tries to comfort his hand and foot at the same time resulting in him falling over.

NARRATOR (voice over):

Then there was his home life.

CUT TO:

INT: an average American kitchen complete with stove, oven, and sink. Oliver is sitting at the counter with a half empty glass of water. He spits in it. Enter his MOTHER, a terrifying woman.

MOTHER:

You little butt rash. You don’t spit in water. Water was given to us by the Indians on the fourth of July in 1945.

They don’t spit on the Mercedes’ we gave them in trade. It’s time to die demon. You will die and it will hurt I assure you.

She pulls out a frying pan of about medium size.

MOTHER:

Let there be light!

She hits him in the side of the head with the frying pan.

CUT TO:

Shot of Oliver’s feet. He suddenly falls over and blood spills onto the floor.

CUT TO:

The shot we left off at from the first scene where he uncovers his eyes and there’s blood all over his hands.

NARRATOR (voice over):

He now had a gift, and things would never be the same.

CUT TO:

BLACK SCREEN: “8 years later”.

CUT TO:

EXT: Empty park bench.

NARRATOR (voice over):

The injury had taken its toll on him. Among the symptoms he suffered from were hair loss

from the sides of his head, a loss of two inches of height, and severe weight loss.

Enter the new Oliver, sits down, unwraps and begins to eat a sandwich.

NARRATOR (voice over):

This was the new Oliver. And the new Oliver was a gardener.

CUT TO:

EXT: A Garden. Oliver is hoeing with headphones on. He looks at his watch, throws the hoe down, takes a sandwich out of his pocket and starts to eat it. Turns around and walks away.

NARRATOR (voice over):

That evening, Oliver decided he was hungry and stopped in at Pap Donovan’s in house market

for some pastry and a cup of Brazilian coffee with two lumps of sugar as well as a pinch of salt.

CUT TO:

EXT: A house with a sign that says “Pap Donovan’s In House Market”. Oliver enters.

CUT TO:

INT: A kitchen with a refrigerator. Enter Oliver who stops suddenly. Next camera shot shows a MAN WITH A CLUB trying to rob PAP DONOVAN.

MAN WITH CLUB:

Give me your money.

PAP DONOVAN:

Okay sir.

Attempts to walk to the money box. Man with club pushes him girlishly.

MAN WITH CLUB:

Give me your money.

PAP DONOVAN:

This is getting redundant. We’ve been doing this for half an hour.

 

OLIVER (near tears):

Oh my god! This is the most frightening situation of my adult life.

MAN WITH CLUB:

Shut up!

You hear Oliver begin to cry offscreen. Man with club looks dismayed, drops his club and runs outside. He gets tackled by the cops and beaten by nightsticks. We then see Oliver, his face is covered with blood and he has a maniacal look on his face.

NARRATOR (voice over):

So it begins. His destiny awaits.

CUT TO:

INT: A bedroom. Oliver is on the phone.

OLIVER:

Yeah, I have super powers. My eyes bleed. People get scared.

I’m not sure what you’re getting at but it sounds pretty super to me.

hy don’t you shut the hell up? No you shut the hell up. No you shut the hell up.

No you shut the hell up. Fine. Fine. Alright. Fine. (Hangs up the phone) Okay, so no sidekick.

Oliver walks into closet. Walks out with an oversized shirt, sunglasses, shorts, and boots on. He vogues in front of the mirror.

OLIVER:

This will do.

Cue music “You’re the Best” from the karate kid soundtrack.

CUT TO:

A Picture of a flyer saying “THE RIVER, YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD SUPER HERO”, specks of blood on it.

CUT TO:

Man runs out of store screaming. Quick shot of Oliver with blood in tear form on his face.

CUT TO:

Man drops bag of groceries and runs away holding his butt like he just pooped himself. Quick shot of Oliver with blood in tear form on his face.

CUT TO:

Man peering into a window with a pair of binoculars, turns around to see Oliver with his eyes bleeding. Hands Oliver the binoculars and runs away while fanning himself with his fans. Oliver then looks in.

CUT TO:

PEDESTRIAN 1 talking as if in an interview

PEDESTRIAN 1:

He’s incredible. He has such power. I’d let him kiss my baby if he ran for mayor. Maybe even my wife.

CUT TO:

PEDESTRIAN 2 talking as if in an interview

PEDESTRIAN 2:

I love him. I think I’m going to buy a “THE RIVER” doll and sleep with him at night to keep me safe. His eyes bleed you know.

CUT TO:

Talk show format. Oliver and MR. PHILLIPS are the guests of the TALK SHOW HOST.

MR. PHILLIPS:

Your eyes bleed. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I wouldn’t want you to save my life. You’re a stupid superhero.

OLIVER:

Oh yeah!

 

MR. PHILLIPS:

Yeah!

 

OLIVER:

Oh yeah!

 

MR. PHILLIPS:

Yeah!

 

OLIVER:

Oh yeah!

 

TALK SHOW HOST:

I feel a rumble coming on here.

Both Oliver and Mr. Phillips stand up. Cut music.

CUT TO:

A Flyer reading “Super villain needed, call 555-3255 and give your personal statement.

CUT TO:

An Answering Machine. It comes on, ALBERT is on the phone.

ALBERT:

Hello Mr. “The River”. My name is Albert and I think that I’m the perfect candidate to be your super villain.

I have several reasons for thinking this. First of all, I’m mean and I can hold a grudge if I have to.

Second, I’m really tall; I often introduce myself as Albert six foot seven. Lastly, I don’t like to leave my house…ever.

I think I could do this without leaving my couch.

If you choose me for your super villain you can find me at 369 Santa Inez Road, Warehouse apartment 188.

I’m there pretty much all day. Have a pleasant afternoon Mr. “The River”. This is Albert signing out.

CUT TO:

INT: Albert is sitting in a chair in front of the TV watching Spongebob Squarepants with a box of Cap N’ Crunch. The door opens and Oliver walks in.

OLIVER:

You’ve been foiled villain.

He whips off his glasses.

ALBERT:

Oh Crap.

CREDITS.

 

 

Fatman

This was made into an incomplete movie. The full script is below the video.

 

 


Scene 1

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are on top of a building, in Fat-Ham city. It is windy. The sun is shining as they look down towards the streets of the city below. The camera zooms in, and you don’t know that he is, but Fatman releases his breath, gut flopping out)

(cuts to Fatman and Skinny Boy running down the street, with the Fatman theme song playing. The theme song consists of many words popping up and horns blowing)

Scene 2

(Fatman is selling someone a stereo for their car)

(this is a sting operation)

Announcer: We join our heroes on a sting operation, trying to bring out the scummy criminals from their normally law-abiding selves!

Guy: Well, I’d like system

Fatman: I sell you one for 600 moolahs!

Guy: hmmm….

(Skinny Boy jumps in)

Skinny Boy: you’re under arrest!

Guy: why?

Skinny Boy: Under the No Selling Systems for Cars Act of 2000!

Guy: what are you talking about? There is no such thing.

Fatman and Skinny Boy: …………dunanananana! (sings theme song)

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run away, and they do the theme song again, but this time with the guy looking at them from behind, scratching his head wondering what just happened)

Scene 3

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are in the Fatcave)

(The Fatcave is just a poker table and a lamp hanging off the ceiling)

(Fatman is tapping his fingers on the table waiting for something to happen)

(the camera switches between Fatman’s tapping fingers and Skinny Boy’s face, pounding his fist into his palm for a couple minutes)

Fatman: Hey, Skinny Boy. What are you eating under there?

Skinny Boy: under…where?

Fatman: HA! GOT YOU!

Skinny Boy: err! Yeah well how many sides does a circle have?

Fatman: what are you talking about? None!

Skinny Boy: 2! Inside, and outside!

Fatman: err! (shakes fist) I’ll get you yet, Skinny Boy!

(phone rings and Fatman picks it up)

Commissioner: Fatman, we need your help!

(Sargent Barnes is next to the Commissioner jumping up and down)

Sgt. Barnes: hurry hurry hurry!

Commissioner: Catch-a-Bubble Man is on a rampage! We need your help. Good luck.

Fatman: We’ll get on it right away, Commissioner!

Scene 4

(scene cuts to Catch-a-Bubble Man blowing bubbles then trying to catch them, but they pop)

(every time he gets one, “sock!” and “fa-dok!” come up)

(Fatman and Skinny Boy jump in)

Fatman: calm down, Catch-a-Bubble Man!

Skinny Boy: y’all calm down now ya hear?

Catch-a-Bubble Man: nevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

(Catch-a-Bubble Man blows a bunch of bubbles into the camera, and disappears)

Fatman: whoa how did he do that?

Skinny Boy: I don’t know Fatman……..wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese’s?

(Fatman and Skinny Boy don’t say anything for a while, then start laughing)

Fatman: wha hee hee hee ha!

Skinny Boy: ee hee hee hee hee!! THERE’S GOLD IN THESE MINES!!

(Skinny Boy is jumping up and down like he “struck gold”)

Scene 5

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are in the Fatcave)

Skinny Boy: Holy escaping acts Fatman, how did we ever let Catch-a-Bubble Man disappear?

Fatman: We didn’t Skinny Boy. Right before he disappeared, I placed a Fatmitter tracking device on him before he disappeared. We can track him and measure his fat with the FatPuter

(Fatman turns the FatPuter on, and types in a few keys. A sappy opera song comes on)

Fatman: hmm…what is this cryptic sound?

Skinny Boy: I know exactly where that is! Its at the boat dock!

Fatman: to the Fatmobile!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy skip arm-in-arm to the Fatmobile)

Fatman: lets put on some FAT tunes!

(Fatman puts the radio on talk radio)

Skinny Boy: this is my GROOVE

(Fatman drives 5 feet then turns the car off)

Fatman: we’re here

Skinny Boy: we gonna get him good!

(Skinny Boy punches his fist into his palm, then rubs it around)

Scene 6

(Catch-a-Bubble Man is blowing bubbles and trying to catch them)

(Catch-a-Bubble Man does a double take as he sees Fatman and Skinny Boy)

Catch-a-Bubble Man: you’ll never CATCH (catches a bubble as he says “catch”) me! GET’M BOYS

(Catch-a-Bubble Man blows bubbles at Fatman and Skinny Boy, and as they hit them, “oooof!” “thwack” and “splatter” come up on the screen at different times)

Fatman: nooooooooo!!

(Fatman does a really long fart, and everyone stops)

(everyone laughs)

Fatman: whah hee hee wha hee hee! Whah hee hee!

Skinny Boy: hee hee he hee! There’s GOLD in these mines!

(Catch-a-Bubble Man laughs by screaming and slapping his cheeks over and over)

Fatman: to the Fatmobile!

(everyone skips arm-in-arm and the scene cuts to…

Scene 7

Catch-a-Bubble Man being put into jail)

Commissioner: good job Fatman! Another maniac off the streets! If only the boy skinny was here so I could thank him too!

Fatman: well, Commissioner, he’s…a little tied up at the moment

(a flushing sound is heard)

(everyone laughs, even Catch-a-Bubble Man. The commissioner laughs by putting a hand on his stomach, and a hand on his forehead and gargling)

(fade out)

Scene 8

(Fatman and Skinny Boy are watching TV)

(the camera goes to Fatman’s face, the TV, Skinny Boy, then to Fatman again)

Fatman: ………Gilbert Godfried

(Skinny Boy laughs)

(phone rings again)

Commissioner: Fatman, Arnold Schwarzenegger and his gang are tearing up the city! We need your help! He is too muscular and he won 2 national spelling bees in 1947!

(cuts to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face)

(the camera zooms out to classroom with a teacher and Arnold in front)

Teacher Guy: spell bologna

Arnold: B….A….loney…. arraauughh!

(Arnold pulls out a sword and slices everyone)

Arnold: Ja Ja! I win!!

(cuts back to Fatman)

Fatman: We’ll see what we can do commissioner!

Scene 9

(scene cuts to Arnold and his goons walking down a street toward a park. They are snapping their fingers and lifting one leg high, as they walk)

(Arnold turns around)

Arnold: ok, Muscular Students of Mine! We ah at the National Park, and we will wreak havoc on Fat-Ham’s youth!

(one of them breaks a bottle, and “craaaackk!” appears on the screen for a second)

(the guys behind Arnold run off and start playing in the park)

Arnold: nooo! That’s not what you ah s’posed ta duuuu! ….

(Arnold has a sad look on his face as a little kid comes up to him)

Kid: Hey mister, do you have a tumor? I think you have a tumor, because you look like you have a headache and-

Arnold: kid, its not a tumah! Leave me alone! auugghh!

(Arnold takes out his sword and is about to slice the kid in half, when it cuts right away to Fatman and Skinny Boy drinking some tea)

Fatman: if only we knew where Arnold would strike next

(Fatman takes a sip, but spits it out. “BUURRNN!” flashes on the screen)

Fatman: ah! hot!

Skinny Boy: holy simmering flesh, Fatman! good deduction, Fatman! Maybe if we went as our alter egos, we can meet Arnold and get his signatures and see if we can discover what his next plan of evil action is!

Fatman: you might be on the right track, Skinny Boy…I suppose we’ll have to go as our alter egos and meet Arnold…face…to face…to face….to face

Skinny Boy: who’s the last face?

Fatman: There’s no time to waste old chum! Lets GO!

Announcer: as quickly as they turn into the famous super heroes, Fatman and Skinny Boy, they transform into Phat Witha P-H Wayne, and Cactus Bob the Miner in their secret underground Fatcave bathrooms!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob come out)

Phat Wayne: lets go, Cactus Bob!

Cactus Bob: hold on…

(Cactus Bob flushes a toilet)

Phat Wayne: Cactus Bob…

Cactus Bob: sorry…

(Cactus Bob smiles embarrassingly, and then runs outside screaming)

Scene 10

(Fatcave)

Phat Wayne: hmm…we may be spotted if we take the Fatmobile….

Cactus Bob: What if we take these rollerblades?

(Cactus Bob holds up some rollerblades)

Phat Wayne: I’m sorry, but I can’t rollerblade…I suppose I’ll just have to…take this scooter…

(Phat Wayne takes out his scooter from behind his back)

Cactus Bob: ha

(Cactus Bob puts on the rollerblades, pulls up his pants to his waist, tightens his belt then blades away)

Phat Wayne: whoosh!…….dunananananana!

(Phat Wayne holds onto his scooter, and it goes to the theme song again, except showing Cactus Bob waaaaaay ahead of Phat Wayne scooting toward the camera, crashing into the curb)

Scene 11

(Scene cuts to Arnold on top of the slide fixture, flexing his muscles)

(some kids are watching in awe)

Arnold: check out my musscclesss!

(Arnold flexes in another position)

Arnold: they’re so big. Bigger than all your heads combined!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob are in the crowd, jumping up and down clapping)

Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob: could we get your autograph!?!

Arnold: I suppose I could for people much more ridiculously weak than I am

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob climb up next to him)

Cactus Bob: sign my chest!

Arnold: ….well….

Phat Wayne: tell us your secret evil plans!

Arnold: ok then! I plan to take my sword and go through many cheap battles with Fatman and Skinny Boy!

Cactus Bob: ooh ooh! Then what else?

Arnold: well then, I plan to…wait a minute, who ah you guys?! Why am I telling you my secret plans? They’re secret!

Phat Wayne: you’ll NEVER get us!

(Phat Wayne and Cactus Bob run away in slow motion saying slowly, “noooo”)

Arnold: ………….loook at mah muscless!

Kids: oooh!!

Scene 12

(scene cuts to Cactus Bob’s face)

Cactus Bob: why does he keep saying that?

Phat Wayne: I don’t know…I just don’t know…

Cactus Bob: I think I GOT it!

Phat Wayne: what is it skinny wonder?

Cactus Bob: what are muscles otherwise known as?

Phat Wayne: …guns..!

Cactus Bob: and where there’s guns, there’s people getting hurt, and losing hamburgers!

Phat Wayne: do you think he’s going to shoot the kids?

Cactus Bob: maybe!

Phat Wayne: we shan’t take that chance! To the Phat Manor!

(Cactus Bob rollerblades and Phat Wayne runs back to Phat Manor)

Announcer: and as quickly as they usually do, Cactus Bob the Miner and Phat with-a-P-H Wayne, turn back into the super crime fighting duo-Fatman and Skinny Boy!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy jump out of their bathrooms)

Fatman: dunt dunnuna! LEZ GET’M!

Skinny Boy: you said it!

(scene cuts again to Arnold flexing his muscles to the children, when all of a sudden Fatman and Skinny Boy jump in, on both sides of Arnold)

Fatman: your evil rein of terror is over, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!

Arnold: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY LAST NAME!?

(everyone doesn’t say anything for a while)

(then Arnold punches Fatman in the stomach. “OOOOOFF!” pops up on the screen)

Fatman: OOOOWWWW…

(Fatman falls to the floor)

Skinny Boy: FATMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!

(Arnold slaps Skinny Boy and he falls to the ground as well)

Arnold: you pitiful weak women!

(Arnold starts laughing, putting his hands on his waist, and bends backwards cackling)

(scene fades out and in again. Fatman and Skinny Boy are on the ground in a cell)

(Skinny Boy wakes up)

Skinny Boy: oh no…what mess did we get into?

Fatman: shhh! I hear something…

(Fatman puts his ear against the wall)

(the camera focuses in on a door, and Arnold is inside)

Arnold: mah name ees Ahnold!

Henchman 1: yep, dat you is.

Arnold: look at mah sword (pronounces “w” in “sword”), ees big and shiny, make many guts fly far

Henchman 2: wow! That is a cool sword, feel the grain of (he gets slashed with the sword) …AHHHHH! MY GUTS!

Arnold: JA!! DAS RIGHT! Taste the bittersweet redemption of Ahnold-sword!

(Henchman 2 pats his elbow and shakes his head, then dies)

Arnold: …Ja…I’m sorry. Guess I don’t know mah strength

Henchman 37 ¼: Bah, Henchman 2 was a jerk.

(Arnold slays Henchman 37 ¼ , by putting a piece of paper on his face, suffocating him, but as he slew the henchman, a thought popped into his head)

Arnold (after killing): Mmmm…cooookie good. Ahnold want cooookie…. Ahnold want alla coookie in world! Come henchman 1 through 3!

Henchman 4: you killed 2, freak.

Arnold: oh ja. Well…you come get coookie too, 4. Lesgo!

Henchman 4: YAY!!! Lets rob the cookie bank on the corner of 34th and Oslo!! (whispering) I hear they got a new shipment, almond-peanut butter surprise! The surprise is a big bowl of punch!!

Arnold: Blech! Ahnold doesn’t like almond, Ah feel like leetle cheepmonky eating tree nuts on a branch above a big city street. They have chocolate chip?!

Henchman 4: tch! Of course they got chocolate chip. They’re a cookie bank!

Arnold: eh? Cookie bank?! Where!?! Ahnold like coookie, specially deh chocolate cheeps! Les go henchman, ahrm for battle! We hit the coookie bank in 5 minutes, but first I gotta write mah mutter a postcard, ees mutters day, …ja……..MUTTER!!!

(camera is above Arnold as he screams, and it fades out while he’s still screaming)

(the scene fades in again, with Fatman holding his hand to his ear, listening to everything)

Fatman: oh….no….this is terrible!

Skinny Boy: what’s happening, Fatman?!

Fatman: with my super fat hearing, I heard….they’re going to……….ROB THE COOKIE BANK IN DOWNTOWN FAT-HAM! And I forgot its mothers day!

Skinny Boy: holy chocolate chips, Fatman! This is personal now! That is Phat With-a-P-H Wayne’s #1 favorite place to buy, sell, and trade cookies and cookie by-products!

Fatman: yes….that’s why we have to put a stop to him before its too late! After the cookie bank…who KNOWS what else?

(Fatman and Skinny Boy look at each other, in horror)

Announcer: oh no! is this the end for the weighty crusaders? Of course not!

(out of nowhere, a fairy appears)

Fairy: hi, I’m a fairy from the future! In the future there are no cookies, so we tracked it down to the point where the beginning of no more cookies was, and this is it. I was sent to free you, and help you save the cookies!

Skinny Boy: holy fairy dust! wow! Really?

Fairy: ………yes…………..

Announcer: and with a sparkle here, and a sparkle there, the fairy freed Fatman and Skinny Boy from their cage!

(Fairy sprinkles some dust on the cage and it disappears)

Fairy: here are some swords. You’ll need it against Arnold’s Conan sword.

(Fatman gets a lightsaber and Skinny Boy gets a pirate sword)

Fatman: lets go!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run but Fatman falls. After a few seconds or so of running, he’s panting)

Scene 13

(Fatman and Skinny Boy burst into Arnold’s room. Arnold turns around)

Arnold: WHUT! HOW YOU GET FREE? (turns to henchmen) GET THEM NOW BEFORE I CUT YOUR PUNY LITTLE HEADS OFF!!

(Arnold’s muscle men go to the bathroom)

Arnold: what! That’s not what you are s’posed to duuuu….

(Arnold has a sad look on his face)

Arnold: I guess I will have to do this myself…!

(Arnold slowly unsheathes his sword from his back, and holds it with both hands in front of him)

Fatman: this is it, Skinny Boy! CHARGE!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy charge to Arnold but stop 5 feet away from him, and a song starts playing)

(Fatman, Skinny Boy and Arnold form a circle, sizing up each other, moving in the same direction)

(Fatman takes a huge slash at Arnold, but he blocks it with his sword, and then Skinny Boy whacks at Arnold’s sword very softly)

(the scene cuts all of a sudden, from them at a stalemate, to them dancing in a line to the music)

(the camera zooms in and out at random angles at each person doing a dance to the happy music, not fighting anymore)

(the music stops, and the lights go out. the lightsaber glows in the darkness, and it takes a swipe, and you can hear Arnold’s scream in agony)

(the lights turn back on)

Arnold: you cut off one of my facial hairs! I’m less of a man now! I can’t believe this is happening to me…manly level…going down…

Fatman: its impossible for it to go any lower. You were NEVER a man, Arnold. Just a confused little Austrian boy. And let this be a lesson to you. Facial hair does not make you a man. You can only measure a man by the amount of his leg hair!

(the camera looks down at Fatman’s legs, and it is very hairy)

(the camera goes back up to Fatman’s face, and he smiles, with his fists to his hips)

Fatman: lets go, Skinny Boy, the police can take over from here!

(Fatman and Skinny Boy run out)

Announcer: will Arnold really give up that easily to the police?! Find out next time! Same Fat time, same Fat channel! … (says really fast) The answer is yes.

(as the announcer says “Find out next time! Same Fat time, same Fat channel” the words appear on the screen)

(cut to credits)

(end)

 

The Hobo Wars

(a guy stands in an alley next to a trash can. You can hear sirens in the background.)

Guy: Hello, my name is Mr. Tard, and I am going to teach you about a series of inner-city conflicts called The Hobo Wars. The Hobo Wars started when one hobo made fun of another hobo’s tutu, and then-

(A hobo pops out of the trash can)

Hobo: this documentary sucks! everyone knows that The Hobo Wars started when george w bush and saddam hussein logged on to the same gay porn site that showed nude firemen fucking computers! And when the bicycle valve began to sweat-

(A redneck drives a tractor through the wall)

Redneck: is this here dang thing a documentary about beer? I love beer. I’ve been drinkin’ it since I was a young’un. Beer’s good because-

(A gay guy wearing only a rainbow wig and a purple thong appears from off camera. He has a mysterious white substance around his mouth.)

Gay Guy: My name is blowthetoad. I listen to boy bands because i’m gayer than elton john. I blow every guy that i see, even toads. Because of that, i have the name blowthetoad. Now let’s listen to this happenin’ beat!

(he pulls a radio out from nowhere and it plays n’sync)

(blowthetoad starts to dance)

Hobo: this documentary sucks!

Blowthetoad (still dancing to really gay music): did somebody say suck? i love to suck dicks. I also love getting fucked-

Redneck: this here documentary ain’t no good!

(he pulls out a gun and shoots blowthetoad)

(everyone cheers)

Mr. Tard: But that leaves the problem as to what this documentary is about!

Hobo: IT’S ABOUT THE HOBO WARS, YOU BASTARD!

Redneck: IT’S ABOUT BEER!

(all 3 of them get into a fight)

(the hobo wins)

Hobo: this documentary is about the camera showing an unchanging shot of the trash can for an hour!

(the camera shows an unchanging shot of a trash can for an hour)

(end)

 

Dead or Alive

This was made by someone else in my group in Media Arts. It had a lot of corrections on it, so this isn’t exactly the same as the real thing. We eventually made this into a movie, which you can see here:

 

INT. OFFICE – DAY

EDDIE MOON, is sitting in front of a desk, with white “asylum-clothes” on. His head is shaved and has a sickly expression on his face. Doctor walks in the office. The Doctor is wearing a white lab coat with a notebook, pen, and a tape recording.

Doctor

(cautiously)

Hello Mr. Moon…how are you today?

 

Eddie

(coldly)

Fine.

 

Doctor

Well, have you been taking the medication prescribed for your…um…hallucinations?

 

Eddie

(shouting)

I don’t have hallucinations and I never did! I am not crazy! I know what I saw wasn’t a hallucination! You don’t even know what happened that day!

 

Doctor

(curiously)

What exactly happened to you that day? What was it that you saw?

 

The Doctor carefully turns on his tape recorder to record Eddie’s story.

 

Eddie

(calmly)

Well, it all started off when I got into some trouble with a gangster in L.A….

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – DAY

Ordinary park with a couple trees in the background.

Eddie is walking across the park. TYRONE comes chasing after him. Tyrone is wearing a black wife-beater and a black cap backwards and has a menacing look on his face.

 

Tyrone

(angrily)

Hey fool, you in a gang?! Where you from?!

 

Eddie

Nowhere man..chill out.

 

Eddie pushes Tyrone with one arm and tries to walk away. Tyrone blocks his path.

 

Tyrone

You don’t know what you just did, do you?

 

Before Eddie can answer, Tyrone swings at Eddie. Eddie ducks and punches Tyrone in the stomach and finishes him off with a right cross. Tyrone falls onto the ground. Eddie kicks Tyrone while he is on the ground and starts to walk away. Tyrone is bleeding from his nose.

 

Tyrone

(shouting)

Hey! You just committed suicide, you know that?! You better watch your back, fool, ’cause imma get you!

CUT BACK TO:

INT. WHITE OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

That was probably the worst mistake I ever made

 

Doctor

What are you talking about?

 

Eddie

well…the gangster came after me the next day and when he said I committed suicide at the park the other day…he was right.

CUT TO:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Nice middle-class suburban neighborhood in California.

Eddie is walking down a street. He passes a parked car with two people in it. He doesn’t notice the people.

INT. CAR

The car is somewhat clean with TOMRONE in the driver’s seat and Tyrone loading a gun. Tomrone is a muscular guy with a light beard. He is driving the car. Tyrone is wearing the same outfit from the incident at the park and is holding a gun.

 

Tomrone

You sure that’s the guy?

 

Tyrone

Shut up! I know it’s him!

 

Tyrone finishes up loading his gun and cocks it.

 

Tyrone

All right, let’s go.

 

The car starts to slowly follow Eddie. Eddie doesn’t notice the car. The car pulls up right next to him.

 

Tyrone

(shouting)

HEY! Remember me?! I told you you were committing suicide! Die!

 

Eddie suprisingly looks toward the car. Before he can do anything, Tyronefires his gun at Eddie. Eddie screams and falls to the ground. The car Tyrone is in races down the street. Eddie is lying on the ground motionles. There is a puddle of blood coming from beneath him.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

That is all I remember. Hearing those gunshots and me falling. I died right after, you know.

 

Doctor

(unbelievingly)

OK…so if you died that day, then how are you here right now?

 

Eddie

(annoyed)

I DID die. But I came back to life. How many times do I have to tell you people that?!

 

EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Eddie is motionless and lying on the ground with a puddle of blood oozing out of him. Suddenly, Eddie’s transparent spirit rises from his body. He looks around, feeling his body, checking for wounds. Then looks down at his human body.

 

Eddie

(bewildered)

What? What the hell is going on?! Why am I lying there?

 

People start gathering around Eddie’s dead body. One leans over to check Eddie’s pulse. After a short time, he sadly shakes his head. Eddie starts to wave his arms to the people gathered around his body.

 

Eddie

(scared)

Can you guys see me? Come on! Say something! Oh my God…I can’t believe this is happening…

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Eddie is sitting quietly as if he is thinking about something. The Doctor waits patiently.

 

Eddie

You understand what has happened so far don’t you?

 

Doctor

I’m not that sure. But please, go on.

 

Eddie is quiet again. He is thinking to himself.

 

Eddie

(solemnly)

That is when I realized what had happened. My spirit had left my body. That is why my body was lying on the ground…dead. When I finally accpted this fact I couldn’t believe that I had made nothing of my life. I had dreams. I prayed that if I could have one more chance…just one more chance to live again…I would do something with life. That is when another miraculous thing happened.

 

CUT TO:

EXT. SAME RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Eddie’s transparent spirit is sitting on the sidewalk with his eyes closed as if he is praying. A loud booming VOICE is heard from the sky. The voice is deep and filled with wisdom.

 

Voice

IT is not your time yet. Live again and fulfill your destiny.

 

Eddie’s spirit is looking around extremely puzzled by the voice. Then all of a sudden Eddie’s spirit disappears. Bird’s eye view of Eddie’s body. His eyes flicker a bit. Then it slowly begins to open. It opens all the way. He starts blinking fast breathing heavily. He is alive but barely.

 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

 

Eddie

(reminiscing)

It was crazy. Right then, a miracle happened…

 

Doctor

(impatiently)

What? What happened after that?

 

Eddie

(enthusiastically)

God had sent my spirit back into my body to fulfill my destiny on earth!

 

Doctor

(sarcastically)

So…what you’re trying to say is that your spirit left your body…and God sent your spirit back into your body so you could fulfill your destiny?

 

Eddie

(beginning to get angry)

You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m crazy like everyone else is, don’t you!? Isn’t that why I’m locked up in here? In this asylum?

 

Doctor

(calmly)

Thank you for your time, Mr. Moon. I’ll see you same time next week, take your medicine daily.

 

Eddie glares at the Doctor with hateful eyes. Then Eddie is escorted out. After Eddie leaves, the Doctor picks up the still running tape recorder and speaks into it.

 

Doctor

(slowly with no feelings)

Patient 257 is suffering from severe hallucinations and hears voices…may be suffering from long-term schizophrenia and manic depression…due to his conditions…he cannot be helped.

 

The Doctor clicks the recorder…pauses as if to think…shakes whatever he’s thinking about off…and turns off the light…

(end)

 


I thought this was a pretty bad script actually…it had potential, but it came out realllllly bad….

 

 

The Gaytrix

(scene opens with sugar packets with ones and zeros on them)

(then it demagnifies and has a guy snuffing the sugar packet)

????: mmh! This is good shit. Good idea putting cocaine in NutraSweet packets

Drug Dealer: I didn’t actually put it in, NutraSweet IS cocaine. No one actually knows it…

(???? Goes into a trance, and the camera focuses on his eye)

(a man named Neo, wearing a thong and a G-string goes to work, and all of a sudden…)

Neo: strike a pose!

(Neo does a pose in the middle of the street, in New York. Everybody stops what they’re doing, and a car crash sound is heard in the distance. Everyone around Neo starts beating him up)

(an hour later)

(Neo stumbles into his one room apartment)

Neo (rubbing his ass): God, someone stuck a briefcase in my ass….what’s this?

(Neo pulls out a paper from his ass)

Neo (reading the paper): wondering what the Gaytrix is? Pull out more papers from your ass

(Neo pulls a second piece from his ass)

Neo (reading off the paper): go to your computer and go to the Kevin Spacey fan site and log in as “Gaytrix” the password is “Neo”

(Neo rubs his head)

Neo: holy crap. How did it know my name?

(Neo goes to the Kevin Spacey web site on his ultra cool computer, and there are 2 animations of Kevin Spacey humping himself)

Neo: sweet.

(Neo logs in, and Kevin Spacey’s voice says “welcome”)

Neo: yay

Computer: Check your mail? Send mail? Buy a Kevin Spacey Dildo?

Neo: Check my mail

Computer: You have 3 mails

(Neo clicks on the first mail. It reads: )

Hello user Gaytrix. Your Kevin Spacey Dildo has been sent via United States Postal Service and will arrive in approximately 3 days. We know you can’t wait.

Neo: that’s not the right one…

(Neo clicks on another one. It reads: )

Hello Gaytrix. Here’s the attachment for that program that you can have Kevin Spacey have sexual intercourse with anything and everything, and it simulates what he will make with it

(Neo downloads it)

Neo: never know when I might need that…

(Neo clicks on the last one and it reads: )

Hello, Neo. You finally found the right one. Go to this location and wait for my Kevin Spacey dildos. You will get further instructions then.

(there is a drawing of a place. Neo recognizes it)

Neo: there, huh? Ok!

(the email goes on: )

Don’t be gay. Wear clothes. If you’re gay, the Gaytrix will get you…

Neo: aw man

(later, at that place)

Neo: dooby dooby doo waiting for Kevin Spacey dildos…

(6 days later)

(a mailman chucks a box at Neo, and speeds away on his bike)

(Neo opens the box and takes out a 1 inch dildo)

Neo: geez. You can lose something like this really easily…

(Morpheus appears behind Neo, out of nowhere)

Morpheus: that’s why Kevin Spacey doesn’t have much manhood, especially after he starred in Pay It Forward. Look at this graph.

(Morpheus points to a graph that just appears)

Morpheus: This is zero, and the beginning of Kevin Spacey’s career. As you can see there is a slight increase, until we get to the time of Pay It Forward

(the line goes below zero, and it keeps dropping)

Morpheus: well, you get what I mean

Neo: true…

Morpheus: get him.

(in a second, a shadowy figure blackjacks Neo, and the scene fades out)

(fade in, Neo is looking up at Morpheus)

Morpheus: hello…

Neo: ah man, I have such a bad headache…why’d you knock me out?

Morpheus: um….because…yeah.

Neo: oh ok

(Neo sits up, rubbing his head, and Morpheus sits in a bean bag chair)

Morpheus: do you really want to know what the Gaytrix is?

Neo: yes I do…

(Morpheus raises one hand)

Morpheus: if you take the blue pill, you will find the immense amount of gayness and junk like that that is…the Gaytrix

(Morpheus raises his other hand)

Morpheus: if you take the red pill, you’ll forget everything you’ve seen here today, and some other stuff…and maybe get a brain aneurysm…

(Morpheus raises a third hand)

Morpheus: and you should take these extra strength children’s tylenol for your headache

(Neo blinks a couple times, still rubbing his head)

Neo: where did that third hand come from?

(Morphues doesn’t do anything for a while, then takes the Tylenol and puts it in the same as the blue pill)

Neo: ok, fine, I’ll take the blue pill

(Neo swallows the blue pill, and the Tylenol)

Morpheus: I’ll give you something to wash that down. Open your mouth

(Neo opens his mouth as Morpheus unzips his pants, and pees into his mouth)

Morpheus: 3 points!

(a crane picks up Neo by his shirt collar and drops him headfirst into a toilet. He takes his head out of it, but a shadowy figure dunks his head back in, and flushes the toilet)

Neo: whoooooaaaaaaaa!

(Neo gets sucked in, it seems, and he wakes up in a coffin, colored with pretty pink flowers, hanging over a field of flowers. The coffin is transparent)

Neo: holy shit!

(Neo looks around, but it seemed like the world was covered with pink flowers)

(Neo’s coffin breaks and he falls into the flowers. It seems like they were all attacking him)

Neo: noooooo!

(Neo gets up, and he’s fine. The flowers didn’t move at all. Neo shrugs and then walks north, trying to find out where he is)

(after a few weeks, he gets out of the flower field, and is now in a barren tundra, with gray dirt and cracks in the ground everywhere, and the camera spins around Neo, until he’s facing it)

Neo: what the?

(Morpheus appears behind Neo)

Morpheus: welcome to the real world

Neo: your fly is still open…

Morpheus: it is? That’s funny, its been open for 6 weeks

Neo: ok…

Morpheus: the real world is scattered with pretty pink flower fields, on this desolate earth. We only survive by eating the flowers…

Neo: how did this happen?

Morpheus: gay aliens obsessed with flowers, called al Qaedas.

Neo: oh…

Morpheus: they basically killed everything that wasn’t a flower, and planted flowers across the whole earth, only. In every field there is a huge flower that holds humans in it, and they use our energy to expand the flower fields and they also want to turn us gay, hence the reason why its called the world they put us in is called the Gaytrix. That way they’d only have to leave a few of their fellow aliens behind to monitor us, and once we all become gay, they’ll integrate us into their race! And they’ve already taken over the moon fully. Look at that!

(the camera pans to the moon, where Morpheus is pointing)

(the moon is just a pink glob, and you can see the sky is also a pale pink)

Neo: that’s horrible…

Seifer: hello!

(more people appear behind Morpheus singing in tune)

Trinity: we’re her to save the universe –

Tank: – from being gaaaaaaaayyyyy

Dozer: cha cha cha!

Seifer: a one, a one, a two three four!

(everyone dances simultaneously, doing a can can and ending in a riverdance)

Morpheus: we must kill the homo aliens!

Trinity: from taking everything!

Seifer: guy and girl?

Morpheus: girl and guy?

(everyone shakes their head)

Everyone: NO WAY!

Morpheus: when everyones gay its –

Seifer: guy and guy?

(Seifer sticks out his tongue)

Trinity: girl and girl?

(Trinity sticks out her tongue)

Tank: its ok for some –

Dozer: but not everyonnnnneee!!!!

(an explosion is seen in the back)

Morpheus: shit! Its the Homo Rangers!

(a hole appears in the ground all of a sudden and everyone jumps into it)

(the Homo Rangers go toward the hole where everyone went in)

Homo Ranger Horg Zorg: That’s retarded…they do this every week.

Homo Ranger Harg Zarg: Its mysterious how they can just add another person to their dancing routine every time…

Homo Ranger Hurg Zurg: oh well

Homo Ranger Herg Zerg: blah. We’ll get them next time

Homo Ranger Squad Comander Hirg Zirg: while we’re waiting, let’s have hot sex!

(meanwhile, in the hole)

Morpheus: are you in, Neo?

Neo: yes

Morpheus: there are Homo Agents in the Gaytrix, too. We have to get rid of them all, and preferably kill their whole race to liberate the Earth and the rest of existence

Neo: sounds fun

Dozer: you gotta be careful. If they Homo-Hump you they can control you whenever they want

Neo: that kinda scares me

Seifer: um, yeah…me too…

(unbeknownst to the rest of the team, Seifer was, in fact, Homo-Humped!)

Morpheus: as does the rest of us. Everyone has been homo-humped except us, so anyone could be our enemy. An old lady, a little puppy, and even crossguards.

Neo: um…why do my eyes hurt?

Morpheus: it kinda hurts everyone’s eyes after we do our performance

(Trinity rubs her eyes)

Trinity: you’re pretty

Neo: who? Me?

(Trinity nods her head)

Trinity: I like your nice long blonde hair

(Neo has no hair)

Seifer (shoves Trinity): sorry, she’s a little stoned at the moment. You’ve got a nice afro

Neo: ok…

(fade out)

(fade in, dogs are chasing after everyone through the woods. You hear barking as they run)

(fade out)

(fade in, in a stupid futuristic kinda place with some seats)

Neo: what is this?

Morpheus: the Command Ship!

(“Command Ship” echoes and there’s a lightning sound)

Trinity: whee!

(Tank spins around in a chair and puts on a “talk to type” set of headphones, but you don’t know that…)

(Neo walks up to a screen with scrolling green numbers)

Neo: what’s this?

Seifer: that’s the May-Trix. They only use that in May. Its pretty much the same thing, but in a different coding, and it sucks more. But that’s a different movie.

Neo: huh? Movie?

Seifer: never-fucking-mind

(Seifer waves his hands around)

Morpheus: let’s go meet someone

Neo: ok, who?

Morpheus: she’s an oracle, and can help you unlock your destiny

(Morpheus smiles evilly)

Morpheus: Lets go to the Gaytrix! Suit up!

(Dozer jumps outta nowhere and jams a needle into Neo’s skull and he goes into the Gaytrix…with skills he didn’t have before)

(they all appear in a McDonalds bathroom)

Neo: I know how to make pizza…

Morpheus: that’s great.

(the camera zooms out, and Seifer, Trinity, Morpheus and Neo are wearing dark sunglasses, and trench coats)

Morpheus: lets go!

(everyone goes out of the bathroom, and walk through the Playplace, obviously sticking out, since they’re all in black and the playplace is full of bright colors)

Kid (pointing at the group): mommy mommy! Burger King employees!

Mom: no, darling, they’re McDonalds employees

Kid: oh…I feel safer now

(cuts to Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, and Seifer coming out of McDonalds)

Neo: so, where IS this oracle?

Morpheus: uhh I forgot…

Seifer: SHIT! HOMO-AGENTS! I DIDN’T SQUEAL ON US, HONEST!

(millions, it seems, of agents surround them)

Homo-Agent Brown (speaking into a megaphone): good job, Seifer. You can go now.

Seifer: ok, maybe I did.

Neo: you’re not going anywhere!

(Everyone starts shooting agents and do karate shit. Seifer is kicked in the face by Neo. Bullet time is used a lot here, so use your imagination)

(slow motion scenes of homo-agents that look the same punching in slow motion. Randomly, one of the slow motion scenes are of Ronald McDonald, as well)

(after about a half an hour or so of action that you made up by yourself, Godzilla goes on a rampage and kills everyone. I just wanted to finish this, so I’m sorry for the sucky ending. Just for the hell of it, so if I want to make a sequel to this, they were all pulled out of the Gaytrix right before they were stepped on. And if you’re wondering what the beginning has to do with anything with the movie, this was all some guy’s coke trip)

(end)

—————–

Well, when I was writing this movie, I didn’t think there was going to be any ACTUAL sequels to The Matrix. So any similarities with the millions of agents or Ronald McDonald in this were actually made up by me, and not directly parodizing the 2nd Matrix. If you’re interested, this is what I have planned for making the next Gaytrix parodies:

The Gaytrix: Regayed – Completed

The Gatrix: Homorevolutions – Incomplete

The Gaytrix: Enter the Gaytrix – (takes place 2 days prior to Gatrix: Regayed, and follows 2 Homo-Agents/Homo-Rangers) – Incomplete

The Hentaitrix: The Gaytrix Animated (parody of all the 9 different Animatrix shorts, and also a 10th movie I make up originally. They all go in order, sort of. 5 of them lead up to Enter the Gaytrix, and they’re from the Homo Alien race’s point of view, and 5 that lead up to The Gaytrix: Regayed) – Incomplete

 

Smarty Pants

Cast: Captain Monique Meddlesome

Commander Sabrina Seesaw

Doctor Donna

Engineer Jaysen Juju

Pilot Angela Ambush

Security Chief Monkeywrench (a Silverback gorilla)


Captain Monique Meddlesome was sleeping rather uncomfortably in the microwave in her personal quarters when all of a sudden, the Starship Big Bad Bouncin Bubba shook. Monique hopped out of the microwave and turned on the intercom.

“Captain to bridge! What’s going on?” she demanded.

“Not much,” said Angela Ambush, the ship’s pilot. “I’m at my post, painting my toenails. Doctor Donna is wandering all over the ship, searching for human guinea pigs to take part in her latest lab experiment gone HORRIBLY wrong. Sabrina is plotting your destruction, as am I. Jaysen is messing with me and therefore one second away from getting vaporized by my ray gun and God only knows what Monkeywrench is up to.”

“Never mind all that, fool! What else is going on??”

Angela frowned, put her feet up on the ship’s steering wheel and reflected for a moment. “Well, let’s see…one of my friends just broke up with this guy with twelve hands. She dumped him because he wasn’t very “handy” around the house!” Angela laughed until she cried and fell out of her chair.

Monique tapped her communication badge. “Captain to doctor.”

“Doctor here. I’m busy cheating on my income taxes. What you want?”

“Angela needs some medication, it seems,” said Monique.

“Angela’s beyond help,” Doctor Donna remarked. “I thought you were contacting me about a problem that could be solved.”

“What good are you?” Monique asked. She turned off the intercom, put on her robe and fell to the floor again as the ship shook once more.

*

This is a STRANGE UNIVERSE, in which ANYTHING is possible.

*

Monique strode onto the bridge in her pajamas and robe.

“Captain, it’s about time you showed up,” Commander Sabrina said. “We are under attack.”

“We are under a tack?” Monique asked. “Wow! That’s gotta be one huge tack! When did we get underneath it? Who put it there? A species of giants with giant tacks? Are they tryin’ to ‘pin’ something on us?” Monique looked around for answers and then laughed herself silly.

Sabrina and Angela exchanged frightened glances.

The ship’s phone suddenly rang. Sabrina sprinted over to it and picked it up.

“What up, yo?” she sang into the receiver. She listened intently for several hours, nodded every once in a while and then hung up.

“Who was that?” the captain asked. “And how on Pluto did they get the number to this ship?”

“That was a creature calling himself OkeDoke. He claims we have trespassed in his territory.”

“Really?” said the captain.

“No, I lied,” said Sabrina. “The truth is, the caller was a man from France, who had a habit of eating his pants. So he went to the store to go get some more but the cashier said “Not a chance!”

“Stop lying!” the captain yelled.

“That is the truth,” Sabrina said. “He eats pants. Don’t ask me why.” She sat down and began making a hit list of all the people she wished she could kill. Monique topped the list.

“So if he’s the one who keeps eating his own pants, why is he attacking US?” Angela inquired. “We were minding our own business, for once!”

“Good question,” Monique mused while standing on one leg like a flamingo. She spun around and around and crashed into a crewman. She glared at him when he fell to the floor.

The phone rang again, and this time Angela answered the call.

“Hello?” she asked. She frowned while listening to the caller’s voice, nodded and then hung up.

“You guys are never gonna believe this,” Angela said.

“NOW what?” Commander Sabrina muttered.

“The guy who eats his pants said he will keep attacking us until we give him a lifetime supply of pants. If we refuse to supply him with the merchandise, he said he will board our ship and steal the clothes.”

“Why doesn’t he simply ask us to help him, instead of threatening us?” asked Monique.

“How should I know?” asked Angela. “Do I look like I know everything?”

“Hardly,” replied Monique and chuckled at the very idea.

The ship shook again, and Monique fell into Jaysen’s lap.

“Captain, you sitting on my lap is highly inappropriate,” he said, blushing.

“What makes you say that?” Monique asked, accidentally kissing him all over his face.

“Captain, the guy who eats pants has penetrated our ship’s armor,” said Angela as she studied a console with a piece of chewing gum on her forehead.

“Acknowleged,” Monique said while running toward Angela. “I’m almost afraid to ask you this, but like an idiot, I’m going to ask you anyway. Why do you have a piece of gum on your forehead?”

“What? A piece of gum? On MY forehead?” Angela raced to a mirror and said “Holy crappola! I have been looking all over for that gum!” She ripped the gum from her forehead and yelled “OWWWWWWWWWWW!”

“So what’s happening with the guy who eats pants?” Commander Sabrina asked. “Has he boarded the ship yet?”

“He boarded the ship five minutes ago, you freak,” replied Angela with a red forehead. “I suggest you and the captain call Security and have that nutcase apprehended!”

“Good idea,” Monique said, and after she called security, security officers arrived on the bridge and apprehended Angela!

*

The intercom on the bridge beeped.

“Captain here.”

“This is the Guy Who Eats Pants,” said the…guy who eats pants.

“Get off my ship,” the captain said in her most baby-ish voice.

“Not until you hand over all the pants aboard this vessel.”

“Where are you?” Monique asked.

The Guy Who Eats Pants turned off the intercom.

Five seconds later, Angela frowned and turned to the captain.

“Captain, I’m getting reports of some guy messing around in the ship’s laundromat, looking in all of the washing machines and dryers for pants,” she said. “He kicked everyone out of the laundromat.”

“Sabrina, let’s go down to the laundromat!” Monique said, sprinting toward the elevator.

Sabrina frowned. “But why? I know my uniform stinks, but does it stink THAT bad?”

*

Monique and Sabrina ran into the ship’s laundromat just as the The Guy Who Eats Pants was putting on a pair.

“Take those pants off!” Monique ordered the man.

“Would you two like to be alone?” Sabrina asked, looking from Monique to the man and then vice versa.

“A guy’s gonna take off his pants?” Doctor Donna asked as she walked into the room, panting and drooling. “Can I watch?”

“I will not remove my pants,” said The Guy. “I need them.” He closed his eyes, hummed and began writing complex mathematical equations on the wall. Monique, Sabrina and Doc Donna tried to solve the equations but the answers eluded them.

“Quite frankly, I’m stumped,” said Doctor Donna.

“Quite frankly, I’m perplexed,” replied Sabrina.

“Quite frankly, I’m Frank,” said Monique.

“But I thought your name was Monique?” Donna asked.

“That makes two of us,” Monique answered.

Doctor Donna sighed, injected herself with a syringe and purposely passed out to escape Monique’s insanity.

The Guy solved the mathematical equations and smiled. “Now do you all see why I need pants?” he asked.

“No,” Sabrina said. “And by the way, your shirt doesn’t go with those pants.”

The Guy sighed. “Without pants, I am dumb. But the moment I put on some pants, ANY pair of pants, I become a genius, capable of solving any problem. I can also think grand, profound and philisophical thoughts when I wear pants! And I eat them because they are delicious and a very good source of starch. So I can be full of food and think philisophical thoughts all at the same time!”

“Wait a minute, wo wo wo, just wait one doggone second here,” said Monique, waving her arms in confusion. “Who the heck is Mr. Phil Losophical, and what does he have to do with ANY of this?”

“Why do I even bother talking to that girl?” The Guy asked Sabrina.

“You’re not the first person to ask that question, and you certainly won’t be the last,” answered Sabrina.

The Guy laughed and was about to leave the ship when Sabrina tapped him on his shoulder.

“Before you leave, I must know something. Who IS Mr. Phil Losophical, anyway?”

The Guy Who Eats Pants ran away, because it was the smart thing to do.

(end)

 

Robot Porn

By Holmes and davepoobond.

Cast:

HM098-1 – The Robot slut who just can’t the slut.exe uninstalled!

JKL832-2 – The repair robot who wants to show HM098-1 his HARD drive!

MAC101-3 – The iMac husband!

Tom Cruise – Eh, yeah you heard, i said tom cruise…he’s gay…

Robot Precrime Crew – Random gay guys…

 


Your order for the $8.99 Robot Porn Movie has been processed, movie starting…

The Scene starts off with HM098-1 in her box doing a scan disk. She has called over her repairman, JKL832-2 to fix a bug in her scan disk program.

 

JKL832-2: “hey there HM098-1, your gear needs readjusting”

HM098-1: “Why don’t you readjust it yourself, JKL832-2”

JKL832-2: “lemme….tighten it for you”

 

JKL832-2 Takes out his wrench…wow this is gettin’ kinky!

 

JKL832-2: “oh the WRENCH!”

HM098-1: “why don’t you rub oil on that wrench and shove it in my gearbox?”

JKL832-2: “i have to reset your fuses first”

HM098-1: “oh yeah, spark up my fuses”

JKL832-2: “oh oh oh baby!”

HM098-1: “why don’t you show me your hard drive”

JKL832-2: “show me your disk drives first”

HM098-1: “here i’ll give you my instruction manual”

JKL832-2: “Hmm very informational, i didn’t know about that”

HM098-1: “my dream robot is R2D2, he pushes my buttons…”

JKL832-2: “i want to make metal melting oily sex with you, let me insert my diskette into your disk drive!”

HM098-1: “hold on i have to format the dick…i mean disk”

 

Suddenly the sparks start flying as these 2 metal robots get it on! All you can hear is the sound of metal cranking.

 

HM098-1: “your handling me like a blacksmith!”

JKL832-2: “opening your printer and shoving in my toner”

HM098-1: “hold on, let me run my Horny program”

 

She runs her program, C:\Windows\Horny.exe

 

JKL832-2: “i cant get in the regular way…i’m gonna get in through the backdoor”

 

He heads to the back side for the rough ride!!!!!

 

JKL832-2: “hold on, i have to go on the internet and download some moaning sounds”

HM098-1: “ok but be careful, don’t unplug me!”

 

They keep doing there thang until HM098-1 stops and mentions something very important 0.0

 

HM098-1: “oh but we can’t have intercourse without protection…I have a virus”

 

She hands him a copy of Norton Antivirus.

 

JKL832-2: “dont worry baby, i have a firewall, those nasty p2p networks won’t get me! We can make a network connection anytime!”

HM098-1: “Ooh, my processor is getting HOOOOOOT!”

JKL832-2: “better cool it down, turn on your fan”

 

They keep doing it until a loud “YOU’VE GOT MAIL” sound comes out of HM098-1.

 

HM098-1: “Oh no, i got an e-mail from my husband! He’ll be back in 3.28 seconds!”

JKL832-2: “oh megabyte!”

HM098-1: “Well anyways, it was nice seeing your RAM in my backside!”

 

MAC101-3 rolls into his box finding his wife and the repair robot in compromising positions! HOLY SHIT!

 

MAC101-3: “what the megahert is happening here!”

HM098-1: “it’s nothing, you must be having a programing error!”

MAC101-3: “i’m a mac, i HAVE no errors” He turns to JKL832-2. “YOU STUPID MICROSOFT MADE ROBOT!”

JKL832-2: “oh man! dont hurt my desktop!”

HM098-1: “honey, your too much graphics, not enough hard drive! I think we should be in seperate boxes from now on”

 

She continues, telling him the sad truth.

 

HM098-1: “your…your just too perfect…i want someone who has errors all the time, like JKL832-2 and his windows program”

MAC101-3: “but that’s the reason you got me! i dont have any blue screens”

HM098-1: “but i can see right through you, and you don’t have a tower like JKL832-2”

MAC101-3: “Its not my fault my makers put my body into my head”

HM098-1: “too much broad, not enough brain”

MAC101-3: “we’re practically the same operating systems though!”

HM098-1: “well your mouse just doesn’t do the right amount of clicking”

MAC101-3: “i only have one clicking…thing”

HM098-1: “But I need a DOUBLE click, like JKL832-2”

MAC101-3: “i have a scroll wheel too”

HM098-1: “so does he…and he has a longer warranty…AND Internet Explorer!”

MAC101-3: “ENOUGH OF THIS! MAC RUUUUUUUULEEEEEEESSSSSS”

HM098-1: “Talk to the microphone cause the speaker ain’t listenin”

 

MAC101-3 runs at the other robot and kicks him with his robot foot.

 

JKL832-2: “OW! I HOPE YOU GET YOUR PLUG PULLED!”

 

Suddenly, the department of Robot Precrime crashes through the window (or does windows crash on him?)!

 

MAC101-3: “AHHH! DONT TAKE ME”

Tom Cruise: MAC101-3, you’re under arrest for being hot.

HM098-1: “You ASSHOLE! You ruined my windows!”

JKL832-2: “what the hell?”

Tom Cruise: “lets get him fellas”

 

All the precrime guys start screwing MAC101-3 in his openings…

 

MAC101-3: “honey! help me! i’m only a mac! i’m not made to have all these serial ports being used at the same time”

JKL832-2: “ha, serial ports. *I* have USB ports”

MAC101-3: “my serial ports are sore”

HM098-1: “Well now your files done, and it’s time to say GOODBYE!”

 

HM098-1 unplugs her husband.

 

HM098-1: “luckily our marriage was on CD-RW, now i can just write over it”

 

The precrime team carry him away while raping the husband (is that possible?)

The End

 

Behind the Lyrics – Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets

Fun fact: this was actually made into a real movie for school.

The SBC Behind The Lyrics title screen displays.

Announcer

On this edition, of Squackle! Broadcasting Company, Behind The Lyrics…

A picture of the members of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets comes up

Announcer

You will experience, happiness, sadness, and anger as the members of the group…when Behind The Lyrics tells the story….of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets

The SBC Behind The Lyrics title screen displays again.

Another picture of the rap group appears, staying on the screen.

Announcer

From Acornville, Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets was composed of 3 original members: Mark Petroleum, the main lead singer, Keith Bangs the bass player, and Toby Slick, another singer.

In a white room, MARK PETROLEUM is being interviewed

Mark Petroleum

Oh yeah, I remember when we first started out. Man, we were having the time of our life, going from club to club. BUT THAT WAS OF COURSE BEFORE I HATED THEM ALL….

Another picture of the group appears.

Mark Petroleum

Yeah, it was great, we went from club to club, doing our performances. I don’t even think we got paid for most of them. Just so that people would know about us. But basically we were going nowhere.

Another member, KEITH BANGS is being interviewed in a white room as well.

Keith Bangs

We were going nowhere. Me and Toby wanted OUT of Acornville.

Another member, TOBY SLICK is also being interviewed in the room too.

Toby Slick

So I went down to Keith Bangs’ and said, “we got no money, what we gonna do?” and so he says “FUGGET ABOUT IT….lets get rid of Mark”

A still picture of Keith and Toby “yelling” at Mark appears

Announcer

Just as the band was starting off, Keith and Toby couldn’t stand staying in Acornville, and decided the problem was Mark.

Goes back to Mark.

Mark Petroleum

I don’t know what was wrong with my singing…I thought we were rockin!

Goes to a “performance” with Mark singing really bad.

Goes to Keith in the white room

Keith Bangs

I mean, we were supposed to be a rap group, and he’s over here singin opera! What kind of a rap group is that?

Goes to Toby.

Toby Slick

We OBVIOUSLY had to get rid of him. And another thing, he SMELLED like CRAZY. Everytime he opened that gaping of hole of his, you could smell last night’s Chinese!

Goes to a picture of Mark with his mouth open.

Announcer

Mark’s bad habits and bad singing were the root of all the unsuccessfulness that they had.

Goes to the picture of Keith and Toby arguing with Mark.

Keith Bangs

Pretty soon after Toby came over to my apartment, we had to kick him out…and get a new singer. So that meant making auditions.

Goes to a picture of Mark, Keith and Toby sitting at a table in a row.

Keith Bangs

I don’t know why Mark was there, I guess he was helping us out get a replacement for him

A scene of Mark, Keith, and Toby sitting at the table, watching auditions for singing, like American Idol.

Someone is singing already and then he stops.

Mark Petroleum

Now there’s two things, you need to be in this group. One – is image. The other is voice. And C is talent. You’ve got none! I NEVER WANNA SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN. YOU WANNA REPLACE ME IN THIS GROUP, YOU HAVE TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE

Keith Bangs

Girl, that was great. You go girl….out the door. Yeah go now.

Toby Slick

Now I can see some potential in that….the potential to GET OUTTA HERE

The singer pouts and then leaves.

Goes to a still picture of Edmonem

Announcer

And that’s when Edmonem came in the door.

Goes back to Keith.

Keith Bangs

I know my singers, and Edmonem was a good singer…..yeah….

Goes back to the scene with the American Idol thing.

Edmonem hums a few bars and sings a little bit, and then stops.

Mark Petroleum

YOU’RE BAD. BAD BAD BAD. NO WAY YOU’RE GETTING IN THIS-

Keith Bangs

YOU’RE IN!

Toby Slick

Oh yeah.

Goes to a still picture with Edmonem, Keith and Toby.

Keith Bangs

Yeah, our band was getting off to a good start. Oh YEAHHH!

Goes to a picture of Mark Petroleum, all alone.

Toby Slick

But after we kicked Mark out, he was never the same. He became addicted….to soap.

Goes to a picture of Joy Soap.

Mark Petroleum

Gosh, I just love soap…especially Joy. It made me joy….ful…. Gimme…… I NEED IT! AHHH!

Goes to Mark, and he’s just looking around.

Mark Petroleum

…..sweet…..delicious….soooooaaappp….

Mark pulls out a syringe full of soap and squirts it out into his hands, laughing maniacally.

Goes to a still picture of Mark on the floor with a soap bottle next to his head.

Keith Bangs

I mean, Mark just went crazy after he left. Every time he came over to my house, he used up all my soap. I think in one week, I spent 70 dollars worth of soap, just so I could wash my hands.

Toby Slick

It sickens and saddens me every time I see Mark. He always had pruned fingers.

The picture switches to Keith, Toby, and Edmonem standing around

Announcer

As soon as Mark was booted out of the band, Keith, Toby, and Edmon went right away from underground to mainstream rap, without even being signed on to a record label.

The Record Executive, HABIBI THE CRAZY JUMPING ARAB is being interviewed in the white room.

Habibi

So one day, I heard this great song on the rap station, K-RAP, and I say “Whoa, who is dis? Sign’m up, habibis!”

A still picture of Habibi hugging Keith Bangs.

Announcer

Keith and Habibi got pretty “buddy buddy” and often went to many parties with each other, after they got signed to Kabangaranga Productions

Keith Bangs

Yeah, I guess you could call me spoiled, but hey that’s just the way I am..

Pictures of Grandpa’s Town Pleasing Sweets go through.

Toby Slick

That stupid Keith, I was supposed to be the Record Exec’s best friend! ME ME ME ME ME!

Goes back to Mark

Mark Petroleum

Why are you asking me this question? I have no idea what happened! I’m not even in the band…

GUY WITH A BAG ON HIS HEAD is getting interviewed now

Guy with Bag On his Head

Whoo whoo! Ahahaah! WHEE!

Another still picture of the band.

Announcer

After getting signed up, they made lots of money, but barely enough to uphold their lifestyle of living in garbage cans outside McDonalds, and they soon learned that they weren’t getting the bulk of their money.

The group’s manager, K SO is being interviewed

K So

Yeah, so what if I stole most of their money? But in the end, I SHOULD be getting this much money. Lemme show you my reasoning.

K So brings out a piece of paper and a pencil, and the camera focuses in on it.

K So

So lets say GTPS makes “x” amount of dollars. You divide that by 4, and you get x over 4 then you take the square root of x over 4 then you multiply it by a hundred and divide it by 10 then multiply it by 798, subtract 32 cents and you get my fair share.

Goes back to Toby Slick

Toby Slick

Man, we was only getting like 8 cents a show man. THAT’S robbery! We weren’t even getting minimum wage! I bet we’d have made more money working at Toys R Us as a shoe salesman than what we were doing.

Goes to Keith Bangs

Keith Bangs

Oh, I didn’t care. I was living in Habibi’s 15 bedroom guest house in Beverly Hills!

Goes to Edmonem

Edmonem

Right, so I was like “WHAAAT FOO” We aint getting no MONEY? I convinced Keith and Toby that we should KICK-K-SO-OUT of the system, and become our own managers

Goes to K So

K So

AHAHA..wouldn’t they know, it’d be the end of their careers? Being your own managers makes you get too much money, and you don’t even do anything when you’re manager….ummm….yeah..I don’t know what I just said…never mind…heheh…heh…heh…..don’t you have someone else to interview?

Goes to Edmonem

Edmonem

Little did we know…hehe…it was a little…umm…too much for us to handle.

Goes to Toby Slick

Toby Slick

I wanted money man…I had my NEEDS man. I mean, I stayed friends with Mark, and it was a lot of money keeping my house stocked with soap for him to bask in. In a sense, it WAS his fault.

Goes to Mark Petroleum

Mark Petroleum

I hated them all, I wanted to destroy them all, even if it took one soap bottle at a time.

Announcer

After a while, it got too much for everyone, and they decided that it was time to permanently….hold on let me turn the page….get rid of him.

(screen goes black)

(end)

 

Pablo and Georges

Soup Nazi: Hi, I’m Pablo Picasso. I like to do art stuff and….draw…and paint in cubed drawing. Whee! I’m Spanish.

stimpyismyname: hello, I’m Pablo’s friend Georges Braque. I’m Spanish, too. I like to draw and paint, so maybe you should like our paintings. Let’s get some customer feedback.

davepoobond: these paintings are pieces of crap! But I love’m all!

Sara: yes, these are so bad, they’re good

Lisa: these paintings are very popular and you can’t even make out what they are drawing!

Soup Nazi: I’m such a great artist, aren’t I, Georges?

stimpyismyname: yes, I am too.

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

Soup Nazi: no

stimpyismyname: yes

(end)

 

The Death of Mrs. Stickums

This is the prequel to “The Attack of Mrs. Stickums”


(Mrs. Stickums is tied to a post)Mrs. Stickums: give me one last Chupa Chu! Please I beg of you!

Commander of firing squad: no last requests for smelly fat blonde Health teachers born in China that boast about it!

(a line of guys with rocket launchers line up next to the commander and arm their rocket launchers. They aim at Mrs. Stickums)

Commander (waves his sword): FIRE!!

Mrs. Stickums: NOOOO!

Commander: YEEEESSS!!

Mrs. Stickums: noooo!

Commander: yeeess!

Mrs. Stickums: no!

Commander: yes!

(all this takes about 10 minutes)

(the guys finally fire, and blew Mrs. Stickums up…but!)

Mrs. Stickums: haw haw haw! Now I have enough power to escape!

Commander: oh NO! she’s so fat she absorbed the energy from the rocket explosions!

(Mrs. Stickums blasts off with her fart power and sparkles in the distance)

Commander: well…too bad we didn’t just leave her there to starve, instead…we killed the universe…

Guy 1: seriously, how long do you think that’ll take for her to starve?

Commander: who knows??!

(everyone turns to the camera and shrugs, the rockets going off again, killing them)

(that means no one knows Mrs. Stickums escaped!)

(end)

 

Jim-Bob-Bob-Jim

Bob: Hey Jim Bob!

Jim: Hey Bob Jim!

Bob: What’s Jim Bob up to?

Jim: I’m eating corn cob and Jim-Jim-Henery

Bob: Might I have a taste?!

Jim: Fuuuuuck no! He’s mine.

Bob: Fuck you, Jim-Bob! I think your gay!

Jim: your sister would say different, ass!

Bob: my sister is your sister!

Jim: ….oh yea! She was great.

Bob: you sicko! That ain’t normal! Sisters is for kissing and buying beer, not for having relations!!!

Jim: Well who isn’t related to us?

Bob: Old Freida

Jim: She’s dead!

Bob: But she’s in this town. Our last non-related neighbor was Cletus, but he gone turned yellow and went to Holly Wood

(a car pulls up with Cletus)

Cletus: hey y’all! I done come back to says my for-tune is gone, I spents it on malt liquor and purty ladies wigs

Bob and Jim: You got any food? We could go fer some!

Cletus: only corn cobs!

Bob and Jim: YAY!

Cletus: But! Only if you kindly hands over your ladies wigs! I just loooooooooooooove ladies wigs

(Bob and Jim head over to Old Freida’s grave)

Bob: there she be….lets screw her!

(Jim holds Bob back)

Jim: no! we’ve comes for her hair!

(Jim peels her scalp off)

Bob: lets go get our cobs!

(They got back to Cletus, who is masturbating on a lamp post)

Bob: we got your wig!

Cletus: I’m so sorry boys! I throwed ’em in my toilet and watched them spin around. I only meant to clean them!

Bob: you inbred BASTARD!

Cletus: Look who’s talken!

(Bob lights the lamp post on fire)

Cletus: oh boy, looks like this is my humble demise, save me Jim!

(Jim is fucking a goat)

Jim: Wha….what?!

(Cletus catches on fire)

Cletus: Bye mommy! Bye daddy!

Jim: Bye son!

Bob: Bye brother!

(Jim and Bob wave)

(Cletus melts into a yellow puddle, and a dog pees in it)

(Dog laps up the puddle, Jim barfs)

(end)

 

The Case of the Missing X Box’s Box

This is a Shitlock Holmes adventure


Holmes’s is beating Watchman, his assistant, in a game of twister. They are in there office. Watchman falls ontop of Holmes…It looks really gay. Just then the secretary walks into the office.Secretary : Uh…ok?

Holmes : Well what is it bitch?

Secretary : You got a call, some teenager lost his X Box. He wants you and your gay lover to help.

Holmes : Thanks slut, next time bring one of your thousands of boyfriends to help us solve the case.

Secretary flips him off and slams the door of his office. Holmes gets up, kicks Watchman off the mat and rolls it up. Watchman rols back his sleeve reveling his arm full of watches…what the fuck?

Holmes : Well Watchman, we got a case finally.

Watchman : Ye-

Holmes : Shut up and get me my coat.

Watchman gets the coat and they walk out. They arrive at Jimmy P.’s house an hour late because Watchman is stupid and can’t drive for shit. He hit like 5 grandma’s and 2 stop signs. Anyways, Jimmy P. opens the door when he hears the crash outside his house. What a surprise, Watchman drove into the side of the house.

Jimmy : WHAT THE FUCKKKK!!!!!!!!

Watchman : So-

Holmes : Shut up Watchman

Jimmy : WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?

Holmes : Sorry, anyways where’s the crime scene?

Jimmy : DON’T ANYWAYS ME, YOU CRASHED RIGHT INTO MY FUCKIN HOUSE, MY X BOX ISN’T WORTH THE ASS BEATIN’ I’M GETTIN FROM MY GRANDMA WHEN SHE COMES HOME FROM HER WALK!

Holmes looks at Watchman and back at Jimmy.

Holmes : Um did she have belbottom pants and a pink cane and a purple pimpin’ hat?

Jimmy : Yea, why?

Holmes and Watchman : ….

Holmes : um…yeah, she’s probablly laying on the street tired or somethin…we’ll see her when she gets back

Watchman runs to the car and quickly pulls off the Purple Pimp hat thats covered in blood off the bumper and throws it into the neighbor’s yard.

Holmes : Anyways…about that crime scene…

Jimmy : Oh yeah it’s over here…

Jimmy leads them inside to his house, they hop over the car thats in the middle of the dining room and they make there way into his room. Holmes and Watchman survey the scene.

Holmes : The X Box is right here…are you stupid?

Jimmy : No, the other X Box…

Holmes : You have 2 X Boxs?

Jimmy : No

Watchman : it’s 3:01 PM EST

Holmes is confused…

Jimmy : It’s the Box that the X Box came in, thats the real X Box because with out it, you can’t get the X Box…

Holmes : Umm…ok??

Jimmy : It’s stolen…

Holmes : And who gives a shit?

Jimmy : It’s stolen

Watchman goes to the car and pulls out a bag and heads to the bathroom. He dumps the bag into the bathtub and it’s full of…???…WATCHES? WHAT THE FUCK? He takes off his clothes and jumps in. Jimmy heres the noise and goes to the bathroom.

Jimmy : what the fuck???

Watchman : it’s 3:30 PM EST!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Jimmy goes to his room and pulls out his baseball bat and walks back into the bathroom. He starts smashing the watches in the bathtub!

Jimmy : WHAT TIME IS IT NOW MOTHA FUCKA!

Watchman gets pissed and tackles Jimmy..they get into a tough game of thumb war… WHAT THE FUCK? Holmes walks in and see’s Watchman and Jimmy thumb wrestling.

Holmes : Watchman, grab your watches and lets go.

Jimmy : But what about my X Box????

Holmes : Fuck your X Box, besides your grandma had it when she was walkin down the street to your house right before we…um nevermind…

Holmes walks quickly over to the car and Jimmy follows.

Jimmy : Right before what?

Suddenly, jimmy looks over to the car and see’s a X Boxs’ Box flattened against the hood of the car covered with blood. Watchman grabs his sack full of watches, forgets his clothes and hops in the car, Holmes follows.

Jimmy : YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watchman drives off crashing into garbage cans n’ stuff…watches are flying out the windows of the car. They make there way back to there office and they crash into the building, even though Watchman is butt naked and his arms and legs are covered with watches. The End.

 

Bye Bye Family

(the family finds out they have a genetic disorder that runs through the family)

Dad: great, just great

Mom: boo!

Kid: ahhhh!

(everyone gets medical tests and have found out they got a bad genetic disorder and are bedridden for life, and a tremendous strain on their family’s financing)

(end)