“Seeing a psychiatrist certainly cured my drinking problem,” a man boasted to his pal. “The sessions cost so much, I can’t afford to buy liquor anymore.”
Tag Archives: psychiatrist
Joke #12011
Did you hear about the Irish psychiatrist who uses a Murphy bed instead of a couch?
Joke #11992
I no longer have faith in my psychiatrist. Last night I saw him in a bar telling his troubles to a bartender.
Joke #11921
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.
“Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?” asked the psychiatrist.
“As a matter of fact, I do,” said the patient.
“And when does this happen?” asked the psychiatrist.
“Oh,” said the patient, “when I answer the telephone.”
Joke #9241
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Joke #9175
A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that – I – am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” his wife replied.
Joke #9172
This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, “What does this remind you of?”
The guy replied, “A naked woman.” Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, “A naked woman on a bed.” This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.
The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, “You are a sick pervert.”
The guy replied, “I’m not the pervert here. You’re the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures.”
Joke #9126
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?”
The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Wonderful,” said the psychiatrist.
“Or else,” continued the patient, “I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.”
“Definitely,” said the psychiatrist.
“Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.”
“Another interesting possibility,” agreed the doctor.
“And finally, if none of these things appeal to me… I can always continue to be a teakettle!”
—
Another version of this joke:
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.
“So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”
Dr. Leroy nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.”
The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”