1. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
2. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
3. Where there’s a will … I want to be on it.
4. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
5. Don’t drink and drive … You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
6. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.
7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
8. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
9. Be nice to your kids … They will pick out your nursing home.
10. Always remember you’re unique … Just like everyone else.
11. Horn broken, watch for finger!
12. Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot!
13. All generalizations are false!
14. Cover me! I’m changing lanes!
15. I brake for no apparent reason.
16. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
17. I’m not as think as you drunk I am!
18. Forget about world peace…visualize using your turn signal!
19. We have enough youth! How ’bout a Fountain of Smart?
20. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
21. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math!
22. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!
23. Dear Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog! Love, Dorothy!
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
26. I love cats…they taste just like chicken!
27. Out of my mind, back in five minutes.
28. Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
29. Born free…taxed to death.
30. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
31. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
32. Rehab is for quitters!
33. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
34. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
35. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
36. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
37. All men are idiots, and I married their King!
38. Montana — At least our cows are sane!
39. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
40. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
41. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some!
42. When you do a good deed, get a receipt–in case heaven is like the IRS…
43. So many pedestrians, so little time.
44. Let’s keep out of touch.