Tag Archives: corporation

Screwed Up Chronicles, World

Corporations and Society in the United States

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Corporations represent the newly changed American society, from World War I, because of the many ways that the people not in charge of the way things are running it, can take charge and be a small part of it.

The Corporation, being a new thing, brought many new businesses into the fray.  Larger sums of money and capital were made.  The hiring of more workers i these newly formed corporations increased the amount of industrial productivity, though most of the workers in the corporation were white collar workers.  The economy of United States fluctuated because of the internationalism, as it got easier to transport goods.  Industrialists were the ones that sold to other countries of the world.

As society changed, new ideas changed with it.  It gave birth to radicals and anarchists.  The radicals were for the disarmament of military weapons all over the world.  Now more locally, they were for prohibition.  These new changes were meant for the good of the people.  But every good thing has a repercussion.  For prohibition lead to lawbreakers and a higher amount of crime.  The corporations also had multiple repercussions, such as taking away the business of the smaller non-corporate businesses.

The progression of business to corporation is an example of how America progressed itself, during the years after World War I.  America ame from a rural to urban society, and for the first time, electricity was able to flow through the cities.  Due to the corporations and their rapidly changing technology, they invted the radio.  The radio helped in increasing the number of billionaires, which raised 400% from previous years, because everyone wanted a radio.

The development of corporations in the business world itself changed American society.

Stories, Fairy Tales

Hooty McHoothoot and the Ducks of Doom

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Hooty McHoothoot was sitting on his branch in front of a flock of pigeons.

“What do you get when you cross an owl and a mouse?”

The pigeons all looked at each other, anticipating the answer.

“I don’t know, but I sure wouldn’t want to eat it!  That’d be like eating my brother!”

The pigeons all looked at each other, not really understanding.

Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings.  “Whoohaaa!!  That was hilarious!!”

* * *

It was a cold black night in the middle of Hinjojeseph City, Maine.  In an old, abandoned bread factory once run by the Doomsday Bread Corporation, several innocent ducks found their way in.  This group of ducks had heard stories of the plentiful bread crumbs that could be located in the old bread factory, and the opportunity had presented itself to find their way in.

Dally, Yabigail, Paulty, Rowry, Arolu, and Muhduriug were so excited to have finally found their way into the abandoned warehouse, they began to gorge themselves on the bread that had seemingly not lost any of its flavor even though it had been abandoned for a few years.  What the poor, innocent ducks did not know was that the bread made at the Doomsday Bread Factory was demonic bread made with the demonic spices of Turnevil and Meanolasses, to name a couple.  The bread was so good in fact that it was too good.  Too good in fact that it was sinful.  So sinful in fact that it would make whoever ate the bread in large quantities into evil maniacal beings bent on destruction.

Dally Duck and Yabigail Duck were the first to turn during the night.  Their feathers turned dark red and their wings began to grow claws on the ends.  Their feathers became more like scales than feathers and their beaks turned black and pointed.

The rest of the ducks turned by the morning and soon they were in one of the back offices of the factory, colluding, about what nefarious deeds they should undertake.

The ducks all stood in a circle — all of them scheming about what destruction they would bring about.  But, first they had to name themselves.

“What about Red Bi-pedal Ducks of the Impending Not-So-Far-Off Apocalypse?”  Muhduriug Duck suggested.

“No!  Too corporate!  If the Doomsday Bread Factory catches wind of any money-making empire we make down the line they may sue us for trademark violation!” Arolu Duck threw up his wings into the air.

“How about Doomsday Ducks?” Rowry Duck suggested.

“I KNOW!  DUCKS OF DOOM!”  Paulty yelled.

“You’re a genius, Paulty!” Yabigail clapped her feet together on the floor in excitement.

“Yes, good going Paulty!”  “You’re the best Paulty!”

All of the ducks loved their new name as they quacked and danced around.

* * *

Hooty McHoothoot was perched on a pier in front of a flock of sea gulls smacking their stupid feet on the wood boards in front of them.

“Knock knock!” Hooty announced to his “audience.”

The sea gulls slapped their feet against the floor some more.

“Who’s there?” Hooty filled in for his audience.

“Who.

Who who?

Hoohoohoo I’m an owl!”

Hooty waited for a response but the sea gulls just slapped their stupid feet on the wood boards in front of them.

Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings.  “Whoohaaa!!  That was hilarious!!”

* * *

The Ducks of Doom were in the Collusion Room of the Doomsday Bread Factory writing stuff on paper.  Their writings consisted of diabolical and oh-so-mean plans to fit their group name of “Ducks of Doom.”

“How about we replace all of the water with liquid Einsteinium?” Muhduriug Duck suggested.

“Impossible!  How would we ever be able to transport all of that Einsteinium and where would we put all the water???” Arolu Duck threw up his wings into the air.

“How about evaporating all of the water?” Rowry Duck added.

“I KNOW!  WHY DON’T WE PUT THE EINSTEINIUM INSIDE THE WATER!” Paulty yelled.

“You’re a genius, Paulty!” Yabigail clapped her feet together on the floor in excitement.

“Yes, good going Paulty!”  “You’re the best Paulty!”

All of the ducks loved their new doomsday plan as they quacked and danced around.

* * *

Hooty McHoothoot was sitting in a branch of the United States government called Congress.

“What do you get when an owl gets elected as a member of the government?”  Hooty asked Congress.

The members of the US Congress were slapping their stupid feet on the floor and looked at each other in anticipation of the answer.

“I don’t know, but he wouldn’t be MY friend!”  Hooty delivered the “punchline.”

The members of the US Congress continued slapping their stupid feet on the floor and looked at each other, not really understanding.

Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings.  “Whoohaaa!!  That was hilarious!!”

* * *

Muhduriug Duck was driving a semi-truck and backing a large tank of Einsteinium towards the ocean.

Arolu Duck was motioning the truck back more and more as it came upon the beach.

Rowry Duck, Yabigail Duck and Dally Duck placed wooden boards underneath truck as it got ever-closer to the ocean.

Paulty ran across the beach and yelled something incoherent.

All of the ducks stopped what they were doing and looked at Paulty.

“QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!”

Muhduriug Duck adjusted his trucker hat and looked out the window and spit on the ground.  “WHAT?”

Paulty finally caught his breath and announced to the Ducks of Doom:

“We’ve been foiled!  Congress has done something worse than we could have done!  They passed a health care bill!  That means our Einsteinium poisoning of the ocean will be negligible because everyone will be healed!”

All of the Ducks of Doom lowered their heads and quacked off into the distance as they went back to the Doomsday Bread Factory.

The semi-truck full of Einsteinium stayed neglected.

That was until Hooty McHoothoot flew over and landed on the semi-truck.

“Hm, I wonder what this stuff is?”  Hooty McHoothoot took out a straw and took a big swig of what was inside.

Poor Hooty McHoothoot began to glow and all of the color in his feathers disappeared!  He was all white, and not only that but his eyes turned into glistening diamonds surrounded by a gold trim.  His beak became solid metal as well as his talons.  His eyebrows went out of control and grew into his moustache and down the sides of his cheeks.  His eyebrows pointed off and became horns.

Hooty McHoothoot squawked as his diamond eyes blew a hole into the atmosphere, degrading the O-zone layer.

Hooty McHoothoot fluffed his feathers and expanded his wings.  “Whoohaaa!!  That was hilarious!!”

 

Moral of the Story:  Clean up after yourself.

Screwed Up Chronicles, People

Looking Back At: Oh Minseok the Rebel Korean

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This entry is part 2 of 2 in the series Looking Back At

One of the few things I think seriously about is spam e-mail.  Not only do people actually spend the time to write out huge paragraphs as some random African country’s prince – which is called role playing where I come from (The Internet), sometimes you’ve got to wonder about whether or not a few of these “situations” may in fact be real.

Let us hark back to Oh Minseok.

I got a spam mail once that wasn’t trying to sell me anything.  It wasn’t trying to convince me to give my social security number to get a million hot dogs shipped to me from Uruguay, although I would seriously contemplate the prospect – this spam mail I got was about how Korean electronics companies were trying to kill him and how he needed help because they were hacking him and essentially trying to stab him through the computer screen.

Now, there are likely two possibilities that had made this e-mail come about.

One, he is an insane paranoid Korean who somehow learned English (but obviously not very well) and somehow got access to a mailing list with a million people on it, one of those being me.

Or, second, he actually is trying to be killed by Samsung.  I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt, even if they are insane, so I honestly think he is trying to be killed by Samsung because Samsung is involved in crimes and is paying off police to not investigate them.  Not only that, but they’re in collusion with Hyundai!

Sounds plausible, right?  I certainly think so.

I wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to piss Samsung off, considering you could fart in their plasma television screens and piss into their liquid crystal vats.  That’s probably what Oh Minseok did.  And Hyundai probably bought a lot of those little LCD screens from Samsung to put into their stupid cars and were none too pleased to see piss ooze out of the screens.

So, whoever this Oh Minseok guy is, I’m sure he’s probably dead because someone he spammed this to tracked him down and sold his location to Samsung.  I think the last thing I’d ever do if I were being hunted down by a corporation that ignores the world’s laws and can apparently pay off any police force it feels like would be to post across the whole internet that they are trying to kill me.

Quotes

Quote #18502: Managerial Smartity

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Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Stories, Fairy Tales

The Badger’s Dam

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One day there was a badger and this badger was hired to make a river dam.  Well, this fucking badger was an illegal and he came over from that other fucking river and took the beaver’s jobs away from them.

That god damn badger thought he was so good with his cheaper cost wood that he thought he could make a dam for 15 Fish while beavers charged 20 Fish to make a high quality dam.  Considering the quality and the long-term benefits of having a high quality dam as opposed to a low quality dam, the beaver’s dam would survive like five floods or whatever, while the badger’s wouldn’t even survive two.

So the beavers held the badger and his illegal badger family hostage, put them into boxes and shoved them down the waterfall.  Then the beavers detonated that no-good badger’s dam and that forced the Dam-Making Corporation to hire more illegal badgers from the other river to make another dam.  Basically, the hard-working, honest beavers were put out of business and their economy took a shit on themselves after a few of their river banks needed to be bailed out by the government.

Moral of the story:  You may think you can solve the illegal immigration problem yourself, but it is really up to the government to make a real stand on the issue.

Stories

Capitalistic Tyranny

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I wrote this for English in my senior year of high school in 2004.

——————————

A man with a briefcase walks out onto the sidewalk. In the country Yahoo 57, one of many owned by the corporation Yahoo, the sidewalks moved you along to your destination. The year was 2082, and the man had a calm look on his face. Thirty seconds after getting on the sidewalk, squares formed into a disconnected globe around the top half of the man’s body.

The squares were green, until images started appearing inside the squares. The images started advertising different products that were being sold. The products advertised ranged from hair products to exercise weights. Each commercial didn’t last for more than 5 seconds before another took its place.

As he was transported along the sidewalk, other people on the sides of the road were surrounded by similar green globes, even a baby in its carriage. About 10 minutes later, the man stepped off the sidewalk. After finishing their last messages, the green squares disappeared. On his way into the Yahoo 57 Capital Building, the man had already decided how he would use his next paycheck.