garstedt – v. to walk into a gay bar with no pants (if you’re a guy). Some people don’t wait until they get home.
Tag Archives: bar
caomo
caomo – n. an oyster bar
Joke #9302: Sign of the Times
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”
Joke #9292: Pocket Buddy
Rodney walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here.”
The bartender says, “You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?”
Rodney says, “Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, “Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?”
“Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some.”
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. “That’s amazing,” says the bartender. “What else can he do? Can he walk?”
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey Al, go get that quarter!” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. “That’s amazing,” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, “Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!”
Joke #9290: Cream of Weight
A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender’s having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.
“Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?””
The guy answers, “I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I’ve had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.”
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. “So you came home and found cream on the weight?”
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, “It’s worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter.”
Joke #9277: That Time of the Month
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
Joke #9255: Drinkin’ ‘Til He’s Heaven
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said,”Leave this pub right now!” He then approached a second man. “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then leave this den of Satan!” said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole replied: “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Joke #8987
A gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender was amazed to hear the gorilla speak, but brought him a beer anyway.
The gorilla finished the beer and handed the bartender a twenty dollar bill. The bartender just couldn’t believe that a gorilla knew anything about money, so he only gave back one dollar in change.
“Hope you enjoyed your beer,” he said to the gorilla, “We don’t get too many gorillas coming in here.”
“At nineteen dollars a beer,” said the gorilla, “it’s no wonder.”
Joke #8981
A guy and his dog go into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, get that dog out of here… we don’t allow dogs in here.”
Wait a minute, the guy says, “This is no ordinary dog ! This is ‘Plato’ the talking dog!”
“Yeah, sure” says the bartender.
“I’ll prove it to you,” says the guy. “Plato… what’s on top of a building?”
“ROOF!” says the dog.
“Look,” says the bartender, “just how dumb do you think I am?”
“Wait a minute,” says the guy. “Plato, how does sandpaper feel?”
“RUFF!” says the dog.
“Do I have ‘stupid’ tattooed across my forehead or something,” says the bartender. “Now get that dog out of here! ”
“Wait.. I’m not through”, says the guy. “Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“RUTH!” says the dog.
“That does it !! ” says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street.
Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, “Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?”
Joke #8869
A 6’8″, 280-pound black man walked into a bar, sat down next to a white guy, and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I love to fuck white women!” The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out of the bar.
The black man moved over next to another white man and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I just loves to fuck white women.” The white guy took one look at him, blanched, and ran out of the bar.
The black then went over to a Polish man who was having a few at the bar and said, “I’s big and I’s black and I loves to fuck white women.”
The Polish man looked at him and said,”I don’t blame you one bit. I wouldn’t fuck a black one either.”
The Bar War
“I am a drug addict. This is my story.” I was sitting in my one room apartment, because I spent all my money on drugs. I just finished smiffing some crack when the crack demons appered! There were three green ones. They tryed to stabb me with there pitch forks. “Pinkie, HELP!!!!” I yelled and drank a six-pack quickly. Suddenly I heard a elephant call and my trusty pink elephant Pinkie ran in. He grabbed one demon with his trunk and choked it while he smashed the other 2 with his massive front legs. He tipped his hat to me and we went to the bar together for a drink.
The moral of the story-Don’t do crack,drink! Oh, and don’t try this at home this can only be done by drug induced hallucinations…so go get some!
Joke #5335
A blonde went into a bar.
On the stage, there was a ventriloquist and his dummy.
He was telling blonde joke after blonde joke. Finally, the Blonde stood up and yelled, “You know, we really aren’t as stupid as you make us sound. Why, I am a lawyer, and my sister is a doctor and my best friend is a teacher, and we all have blonde hair. I think that just proves your point wrong!”
The man stands up and says “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.” then the Blonde replies, “Not you, I was talking to the asshole on your knee!”
Joke #5321
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They entered a bar and when the waitress came over they ordered some drinks.
A few minutes later they went to the bathroom and there was a woman sitting outside. The woman said “Beware of our new attraction, the mirror. If you tell the truth you will be rewarded with riches, but if you lie, you will be sucked into the mirror forever.”
So the redhead walks into the bathroom and up to the mirror and says “I think I am the most beautiful of us three.” She found herself holding the keys to a new really nice car.
Then the brunette goes to the mirror and says “I think I am the most talented of us three.”
Then the blonde goes up to the mirror and says “I think…” and was immedietly sucked into the mirror.
Joke #5292
A blind man enters a Ladies’ Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things …..
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 – I’m a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah…Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Joke #5250: Flippin’ Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, ‘No pets allowed.’
The man replies, ‘This is a special dog. Turn on the Cowboys game and you’ll see.’
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.
The guy says, ‘Watch. Whenever the Cowboys score, my dog does flips.’The Cowboys keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
‘Wow! That’s one hekuva dog you got there! What happens when the Cowboys score a touchdown?’
The man replies, ‘I don’t know. I’ve only had him for 2 years.’