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This entry is part 7 of 38 in the series The Squacklecast

This week we watched Chernobyl Diaries, a movie about a bunch of college kids going to Russia to dick around and take Instagrams of ruined buildings and put them in meaningless filters so that they can show off to their friends. They also bring their crazy knife-wielding soccer coach along for the lulz.

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Chernobyl Diaries has an old zombie lady masturbating in a closet in an attic of one of the buildings. Gross!

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Too much Carrie Underwood and Colbie Caillat in Chernobyl Diaries for my taste. It’s almost like a boring wedding video.

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This is the knife that the soccer coach had.

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Why does Will Smith like making sequels to movies 10 years after the fact? It’s not like he was doing anything that important in the mean time between movies. If he’s going to make a shitty movie, he might as well make it while it is still relevant.

Bad Boys (1995) -> Bad Boys II (2003) = 8 years

Men in Black II (2002) -> Men In Black III (2012) = 10 years

I, Robot (2004) -> I, Robot 2 (currently 2015) = ~11 years

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Hologram Tupac takes the forefront in Men In Black III, don’t be fooled by the trailers. They’re pulling a Metal Gear Solid 2 on us.

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Ali 2 will be Will Smith walking around with Parkinson’s until he either cures it or dies from it, made in 2018.

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Independence Day 2 or even 3? Welcome to URF again in 10 years!

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Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith shitting on their White House and blowing up alien landmarks. How do you like that, mother fuckers!? Aliens getting shit on all the time!

Kind of sounds like Avatar…

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Avatar 2 is gonna be at the bottom of the ocean. Or something. You heard it here first, Jeff Goldblum is in Avatar 2.

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On the flip side of things, Prometheus looks like it’ll be a good movie.

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AVP and AVP 2 are no bueno.

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Mortal Kombat: Legacy was terrible. You should watch it. It was directed by that guy that did Fame.

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Street Fighter and The Legend of Chun-Li had it right — only have a story about one character, not 35 million characters at the same time. That’s about the only thing they did right, and the rest of it was so wrong it was right.

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Paul W.S. Anderson is the poor man’s Michael Bay. And obviously not as good looking.

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Dead Or Alive is one of Paul W.S. Anderson’s travesties. But at least that is better than any of Uwe Boll‘s movies.

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The Island is a less classy version of Never Let Me Go.

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George Lucas would probably go back into the Star Wars movies and remove Ewan MacGregor’s beauty marks just so that it is consistent through all of the movies.

Kind of something like this:

Ewan MacGregor After George Lucas Had His Way With Him

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And most of all, FUCK THE STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL!

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Did you hear they banned plastic bags in LA? Fuck that shit! How am I supposed to line my little trash cans?

Everything is going to be made from the blood of trees now.

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The Middle East is just a big fucking desert, who cares what happens to the environment there. No one freakin lives there anyway. So let’s toss all of our unused plastic bags into it.