The Infinite Day – n. the day in which the universe will always be in, as long as it is in existence.
Three iPods for Free?
Ok, so this guy wanted to give me three iPods for free, and I was like what foo? You ain’t gettin no I’s with pods meaning you ain’t gettin no iPods for free even if you were about to die from cancer or even if your penis were to fall off in the next 300 seconds and all of a sudden your intestines stopped working and released all your excretories onto my face and then bounced up and killed your friends, my manager, and the iPods you were trying to get.
Fake Game: Slave Trade Tycoon
Slave Trade Tycoon is a game that is similar to other “Tycoon” games like Roller Coaster Tycoon, Railroad Tycoon, and Marine Park Empire.
You can choose from many time periods to slave trade in, including “the past” (easy), “the present” (normal), and “the future” (hard). The further in time you go, the harder it gets to keep your slave trade in business, due to new humanitarian laws and the rise of individual self-worth among developing nations.
The goal of this game is to try to make money by raising and selling slaves. You can build many kinds of things that promote your slave trade business, making it easier to supply your customers (short-term profit) with slaves or put them to work on your own personal properties (long-term profit).
You can allocate which slaves work where, and they increase in sale value depending on conditions such as youth, strength, current health, will power (bad), stupidity (good), and how many different types of jobs they can do.
Another element of the game is keeping a balance in the morale of your slaves. Being nice to your slaves is good, but you don’t want your slaves to think you are too nice of a guy, that would mean they’d walk all over you. There are many ways to be a slave trade master — rule with an iron fist, a warm blanket, or both!
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Many different cultures/themes are available, along with their own specific goals, such as:
Egyptian – Making the pyramids.
American – Plantations
Germany – Slave Camp
Russia – Prostitution
Alien – Human slave camps
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Different problems that occur during the game that challenge your skills include:
Slave riots
Slave escape (Underground Railroads)
Civil Wars/Wars with other nations
Plagues/Diseases
naekodin
naekodin – n. a story that starts out with “So I saw this guy but he looked like a girl” and ends with “I fucked him.”
Enrichment or Just “Richment”?
Enriched foods are everywhere.
Rarely ever do you see non-enriched foods anymore. I remember a time when Orange Juice didn’t have calcium or when milk was just Vitamin D (naturally) instead of Vitamin A and D. I remember when cereal didn’t have 800 nutritious vitamins and minerals, which make even the worst cereals that you could possibly eat into the equivalent of supplemental pills.
However, this what they tell us is in the foods we eat. How do WE know for certain those things are in there? Sure, there’s laws, but it doesn’t mean food manufactures ACTUALLY put them in, does it? Who bothers testing each and every random box for those random vitamins and minerals?
And what good does all that crap do for us anyway? It’s all just a ploy — an excuse for them to charge us more, and to accept rolling backpacks as “okay to use.” Damn them.
retawne
retawne – v. to have a sensor beep when you go through it.
Ex. He retawned at the airport a couple times, so they beat him.
cash register receipt
cash register receipt – n. a mysterious item in which grants the keeper the power of returns, exchanges, and other powers of the consumer. Many willingly throw it away, not knowing the power it holds.
preesup
preesup – v. to drive a price up by killing people
tenvenurn
tenvenurn – v. to buy something and then buy something else right after. Super annoying.
awtomotik
awtomotik – v. to wrap a cup in a paper or plastic bag and then put it into a bigger bag
cuagau
cuagau – n. a clothing rack with wheels on it
We Need More Holiday Songs
O Christmas Tree, Santa Baby, Here Comes Santa Claus, White Christmas, the list goes on. How many songs have we heard a million times? How many versions of the same songs must we choke down?
A horrendous onslaught of holiday music is upon us every time we get into the months of November and December, as Christmas, the month-long holiday is the time we love to be tortured by it.
Not only do we have to buy buy buy, but we have to listen to millionaire corporate slaves sing yet another version of that “Do You Know What I Know” song that takes forever to listen to. We’re already tossing hordes of cash out the windows into the pockets of companies in the RIAA — couldn’t they possibly hire some fuckers to write some new songs? Isn’t 300 versions of each Christmas song from each new generation of singers enough?
Oh goody, DJ Whatshisface made a remix of Joy to the World and DJ Megaloser made O Christmas Tree v. Santa Baby. Or let’s have Britney Spears sing the 12 Days of Christmas — that’s new and exciting!
What is even more annoying is that each time the song is remade, the singer adds their own little “flair” to it, so you would remember that in BigBoobedMovieStarNowASinger said “Yeayyeeyeahheeyaa!” at the end of each sentence in the song. It’s crap!
Sometimes bands make new Christmas songs, I’m sure, so why can’t we just stop dragging on those same fucking songs we have to listen to over and over? They’re so fucking old! Fuck them all! And where are the Thanksgiving songs?! I want to hear songs about how we screwed the Native Americans and killed turkeys!
The Magical Dishwasher
One day a garbage collector, who was a female, was working, collecting garbage.
When she got to the old blue house, she exclaimed “why is there a dishwasher in front of this old blue house?”
Little did she know, the dishwasher was a magical dishwasher. Once she held the dishwasher in her hands to put it in the garbage truck, it began to glow!
The dishwasher opened up and plates and cups began to float in the air, all sparkly clean.
“My, oh my, I wish my dishes were this clean after putting them in my dishwasher!” Unfortunately for the garbage collector, the dishes surrounded her and began to take control of her body. The dishwasher sucked her in, along with all the dishes, and the garbage truck.
Suddenly, the dishwasher turned into a large demon robot. “My name is John Ramses!” the large robot exclaimed. “And through political lobbying I will acquire all the waste contracts for LA County and make John Ramses the number one trash and waste power in the world!”
John Ramses picked up his demon robot briefcase and walked in the nearest City Hall, and slowly worked on his trash-picking empire. By 2015, John Ramses had overtaken all the contracts in the world.
Moral of the story: Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Joke #20834
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
“Wow!” the frog said, “That’s wonderful! Where will I meet her? At a party?”
“No,” said the psychic. “Next semester in her biology lab!”
Pregnant Mother Syndrome Version 2
Pregnant Mother Syndrome Version 2 – n. another type of Pregnant Mother Syndrome (PMS) in that pregnant mothers are inclined to go to Starbucks. Also known as PMS v.2.