WIFE: “Wake up! Wake up! There’s a burglar in the kitchen and he’s eating the leftover stew we had for supper.”
HUSBAND: “Go back to sleep and don’t worry, dear. I’ll bury him in the morning.”
Category Archives: (C) Offensive Jokes
Jokes that are more or less offensive.
Joke #12708
JUDGE: “Tell me, Miss, do you promise to take the groom for better or worse?”
BRIDE: “Judge, I promise to take him for everything.”
Joke #12648
Q: Who holds the world’s underwater submergence record?
A: Nobody knows. He hasn’t come up yet.
Joke #12628
OVERHEARD: “A college professor was telling a friend, ‘My wife is very optimistic about my future. She has already spent my next year’s salary.”
Joke #12509
These are modern times. Girls no longer marry men for money. They marry them for charge accounts.
Joke #12491
A young man wanted to marry a comedian’s daughter. “Sir,” said the young man, “may I have your daughter for my wife?”
The comic, a widower for many years, replied, “If your wife can cook and clean house, it’s a deal.”
Joke #12474
Just once, I’d like to meet an honest man who responds to a question about his marital status by saying, “I’ve been an unhappily married man for ten years.”
Joke #12426
“Why do you wear your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Simple. I married the wrong person.”
Joke #12425
My husband keeps me on a strict allowance… fifty words a day!
Joke #12423
My husband makes my life miserable. If I were reincarnated as a dog, he’d come back as a flea.
Joke #12422
My husband is so lazy that now with easy open lids on beer cans, he doesn’t get any exercise at all.
Joke #12419
A TV rating outfit recently called a sample of the male population in New York and asked, “Who are you listening to at this time?”
Of the respondents, .995 percent answered, “My wife.”
Joke #12418
Q: Do you know what keeps the average married man from buying a color TV set?
A: …Reading the price tag in black and white.
Joke #12417
Mother to her teenaged daughter: “Are you going steady now?”
“Yes, I am, Mom. On Tuesday with Mike, Wednesday with Jimmy, Thursday with Frankie…”
Joke #12414
My wife is a terrible cook. You could use her spaghetti to play tug of war!