MILLIONAIRE: “Son, to make it in business you’ve got to live by two principles, honesty and wisdom.”
SON: “What do you mean by that, Dad?”
MILLIONAIRE: “Be honest in business. If you promise to do something, keep your word even if you have to go bankrupt to do it.”
SON: “And what about wisdom?”
MILLIONAIRE: “That’s simple to explain, son. Never make any promises.”
Two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years met one day.
The first man asked, “How’s everything, Jimmy?”
His friend answered. “Not so hot. My wife ran off with a vacuum salesman. My son was arrested for stealing cars, and my daughter is in the hospital with two broken legs. Besides that, I’m turning gray, my teeth have to be yanked out tomorrow, and my dog died yesterday.”
His friend shook his head and said, “Golly! That’s very sad. By the way, what business are you in, Jimmy?”
“I sell good luck charms!”
“Would you wear alligator shoes?”
“Nope. I never wear used clothing.”
CLERK: “What kinds of nuts would you like, sir?”
CUSTOMER: “Cashew.”
CLERK: “Bless you. Now what kind of nuts would you like?”
“It took me so long to learn the ropes at work,” said the clerk, “I ended up hanging myself.”
ACTOR: “I hope the cameraman catches my best side!”
ACTRESS: “What’s that? The back of your head?”
“Colonel Lee, you’ve had too many juleps,” scolded Mrs. Lee. “Sir, you’re in no condition to go out.”
“That’s not true,” the Colonel argued. “Dear lady, I’ll have you know that I’m in mint condition.”
CUSTOMER: “Waiter, the food in this restaurant tastes terrible.”
WAITER: “I’m sorry you don’t like it, sir. Are there any other complaints?”
CUSTOMER: “Yes. Your portions are much too small.”
“I tried a new raw fish diet. For a month I ate nothing but raw fish.”
“Did you lose weight?”
“No. But now I can balance a ball on my nose and bark like a seal.”
JOE: “I don’t expect too much from a girl. I just want a girl who’ll walk up to me, look me in the eye and love what she sees.”
MOE: “You don’t want a girl. You want a blind midget.”
SALLY: “I just can’t find the man who’ll make me the perfect husband.”
TILLIE: “Maybe you’re asking too much.”
SALLY: “Nonsense! Al I’m looking for is a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
“I just got a role in a movie,” an actor said to his agent. “I play a hen-pecked husband married to a woman who lives with her mother and four teenaged daughters.”
“That’s nice,” said the agent. “But too bad it’s not a speaking part.”
T.V. REPAIRMAN: “Lady, the trouble with your T.V. set is a short circuit in the cord.”
LADY: “Well, for heaven sake, lengthen it. I’m missing my favorite show.”
JUDY: “I’ll have you know I can marry anyone I please.”
SALLY: “That may be, but you don’t please anyone.”
MAN: “Just once I’d like to be able to win a golf game.”
WIFE: “Then why don’t you play against someone other than your boss?”