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davepoobond of Squackle. Items under this user name are original works by davepoobond.
Stories

Leafy Bob the Muffin Eater

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One day, a leaf named Leafy Bob fell from a tree, falling on a muffin. Suddenly, the muffin…DISAPPEARED!!

The guy who was eating the muffin got mighty mad at the leaf for eating his muffin. So, he ate the leaf. But, what the guy didn’t know, was that Leafy Bob was a magician!! Next thing the guy knew, Leafy Bob took over his body.

Leafy Bob led the body over to the local supermarket. (We can’t say the name of the company because then they’ll want royalties on the money this story will make. For the purpose of this story, it’ll just be called Shplar)

Leafy Bob entered Shplar, screaming in a rageful manner, “Where’s YOUR MUFFINS!?”

Then, the store manager, looking over to the guy, said “Oh, Mr. Wellington, you own this store, you get muffins everyday. Oh well, they’re right here.” The store manager leads him to “The AISLE OF MUFFINS…” (echo).

“Muffins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob ran down the aisle, like a vacuum sucking up all the muffins.

“What THE FUCK!!” the store manager yelled. The store manager never seen anyone do that, before.

A man was sitting down in The Muffin Eating Room. Leafy Bob ran in and stole it (the muffin that is). The man cried, “oh! you stole my pecan blueberry peach and rhubarb muffin! I spent like two fifty on that!” The man falls down in a fetal position and cries.

Leafy Bob then says, while eating the muffin, “Don’t cry, its a crappy muffin anyway”

Leafy Bob laughed like a maniac, and ran out the window. “Mr. Wellington is less crazy than usual, today…” whispered the store manager to a lady cashier. “Oh, yes. I doubt anyone will care if we had hot sex in a mashed potato bath and then put the mashed potatos back in the cans in the canned mashed potato aisle” whispered the lady cashier to the store manager.

Anyway

“Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuufins!” screamed Leafy Bob. Leafy Bob crawled along the ground, looking for muffins. he climbed all the way up a small hill, and looking down he could see a one-of-a-kind sex park, with naked people chasing each other, and porking each other. It was an STD garden, one might say. But being a leaf as he was, Leafy Bob din’t know what the hell was happening. “Umm…muffins?” He looked at all the people, and when he looked to the left, there were two people on top of each other, rolling toward him. They were going to kill him!! Being a leaf as he was, he jumped off the hill, but being a human right now, he just fell on a giant boulder, cracking all his ribs on the left side into 15 pieces each.

“NYAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed out in pain. Almost unconcious, he rolled down the rest of the hill, after hitting the boulder, ending up in the STD infested sand pit. And wouldn’t you know? 3 people jumped on top of him, getting it on.

Leafy Bob opened his eyes, seeing the people on top of him. He had to kill them now, for trying to kill him…if they didn’t give him muffins.

“Muffins?” Leafy Bob said, with a high voice, because they were on top of him.

“Oh yeah, I got a muffin right here baby…” one of them said with a stupid sounding oice, as they started French kissing Leafy Bob, one in the mouth, and the other two in the ears.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” Leafy Bob screamed like a silly little girl. He wanted out.

Fortunately, when he screamed, the three people that were on top of him’s ear drums shattered and their brains started gushing out, instantly draining their bodies of all their blood, and brains, killing them.

Leafy Bob got up and ran away. There were no muffins here.

Leafy Bob was in pain, lots of it. He had enough pain to fill buckets and sell them! Which he was, for muffins. There was a big sign that said: “Buckets of Pain, only one muffin.” Unfortunately for Leafy Bob, people didn’t use muffins as currency, so Leafy Bob went to a friendly neighborhood on a street called Muffin Road. There must be muffins there since it was named Muffin Road.

Well, he found muffins. He ate them.

THE END

Stories

Goopy Blip

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Written in conjunction with elmoisfurry

–

It all started with an avocado. That damn fruit. I hate avocados. Avocados are green. They bounce. I don’t like bouncy things. Especially bouncing avocados that are green and hit mailman car thingys. This is my story. I’m a postal worker.

…………..

“BOO!!” said Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man. Naturally, I screamed. I was a bit of a pansy. I AM a mailman. I run away from a lot of things. Kittens…dogs…myself, but most of all clothes hangers. Clothes hangers are scary. They’re all pointy and stuff. If you brought one up to me, I’d scream like a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Its horrible…not really.

Y’know what I did when Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man scared me? I PEED MY PANTS! Quack, quack, quack, moo pie. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man laughed at my pants, and gave me a free Moon Pie. The Moon Pie was cold. Mmmmmmmmm moon pie, taste like…………..moon. I had to think of a way to leave the Ice Cream Truck man…so I told him my peas were getting cold. He said he understood, and he left.

I was at home. In my underwear. Not boxers, but whitey tighties. I like the way they feel. My mother is a nut. Seriously. She’s a walnut. A giant walnut. Don’t ask me how my dad got me. It is a science unknown to man. Ahglahglah. So, I was sitting down…drinking a beer…watching soap operas…the good kind…you know, Vietnamese soap operas. I didn’t understand the soap operas, because the captions were in Vietnamese. That really pisses me off. But its funny because I dub for them. I record the soap operas and then leave them in the mail boxes I go to during work. Smell my cheese grater.

So, I went to work the next day. I had a few joints. Not like it mattered. I just tripped over a few chairs…regular postal etiquette. I got my box full of mail to make my rounds. It takes 9 hours at least to deliver all the mail. There’s this one guy that has half a box of mail everyday. Its all porn, too. He’s a crazy old man. I think he has two 89 year old granddaughters. He’s got to be as old as the White House. He has a dog, too, you know. It’s called Mr. Giant Fluffy Bunny Fur. Mr. GFBF for short. She (the dog) smells like Dr. Pepper and guacamole. Anywho!

I have my own place, but its a pile of mulch. I bought it on ebay. Ebay is a cool thingy. You can get beer for one dollar. And its easier than going to the store I live under. Sometimes, the toilets leak, and the flushed toilet water seeps through the boards, and waters my plants. I just had a seizure. Ok, now, I’ll tell you about my pets. I have a pet keyboard. He types stuff. He talks with me when I pet him. He only does it when he’s turned on. Yes…

Comma. Wait….coma. I’m in a coma. I don’t know how, but I am. Ok, I’m out of it. That was a nice one second coma. I’ll tell you a story. Its about a patio chair, and the way it impaled me.

I was sitting on a chair. Then my only friend, Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man, took his patio chair, and stuck it up my nose. LISTEN TO MY GIANT BLOATED ORANGE!!! LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!! I screamed, and screamed and screamed. It hurt like a mother walrus. Mr. Ice Cream Truck Man said he was sorry, and left, ringing his bell. I don’t know why he did that, because he didn’t have a bell…

I’ll tell you about a pillow. Pillows are funny. They’re soft and cuddly. But they’re also deadly. The feathers in my pillow punctured through the material surrounding it, and jammed into my eye. I thought I was being speared like a fish. OoOOoo, look at the lumpy sack of graham crackers.

I’m going to talk about a vacuum cleaner now. Vacuum cleaners are noisy. Sorta like a toilet, but the flushing noise is always there. Its really annoying. I’ll tell you something about vacuum cleaners. You can get sucked into them. Only if you’re two foot four or under. Jabba the Hut makes good slushies. I like the Backstreet Boys. They’re silly. SILLY LIKE A MOTH! That means they’re stupid, and they eat cloth. I’ll tell you another thing about them.

Oh, I have another story.

The End.

Wait, wait. I’m not done

The End.

Stories

The Manicle

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Written in conjunction with stimpyismyname

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Inside an “abandoned” wherehouse music store, lurks the evil evil man, Mr. Dr. Evil, that is not from Austin Powers because this is an entirely different story as you will see.

Well, here came along Miss Poodle back from pooing off the Statue of LIberty. She said, “Well, I am relieved now and the statue has a lovely new brown coat!”

And then Mr. Dr. Evil (that’s his full name), he…exposed…how he loathed all fat women named Miss Poodle, when he exclaimed, “How I loathe you fat women, named Miss Poodle!”

Miss Poodle was flabbergasted and said, “I’m flabbergasted,” she also added, “I have gas and my armpits are sweaty.”

Mr. Dr. Evil said, “Get out of my house, for I too have gas and together, we….um….yeah”

Miss Poodle got very interested. She raised a finger and as she did, the excitement was too much for her and she farted.

THE END…

nope

Mr. Dr. Evil realized then that he hadn’t gotten new shoes from Payless, and he ran away from his lab rather quickly, but being careful to not step on Miss Poodle, because, along with her large…um…thing…she was very attractive in a very strange way.

After getting his Land Before Time shoes, he was happy.

After Mr. Dr. Evil and Miss Poodle had a brief love affair, Mr. Dr. Evil decided that she was too big to handle…har har…and he would, have to giver her his Terribly Bad Bad Bad Evil Dangerously Bad Untested Big Bad Bottled Potion.

Oh no! Miss Poodle turned into The Manicle! The super cool fat lady that’s not really a lady comma but a man, and…and…and Mr. Dr. Evil is gay.

The Manicle is a guy with a spike on his….a real one, that can retract just like Wolverine’s but its on his head, not his hands.

The Manicle killed Mr. Dr. Evil because he’s gay and he doesn’t like gay people.

You may think its The End, but its not.