Emmy: Can I share your sled?
Mike: Sure, we’ll go half and half.
Emmy: Thanks.
Mike: I’ll have it for downhill, and you can have it for uphill.
All posts by davepoobond
Joke #11377
Janet: Do you write with your right hand or your left hand?
Craig: My right hand.
Janet: That’s funny. I usually use a pencil.
Joke #11376
John: Are you superstitious?
Kim: No.
John: Then lend me thirteen dollars!
Joke #11375
Brenda: Hey, you put too many stamps on that letter.
Michelle: Uh-oh. I hope it doesn’t go too far now!
Joke #11374
Mark: Yesterday I saw a man at school with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs, he stepped on them.
Jim: Wow! He stepped on his arms?
Mark: No, on the stairs.
Joke #11373
A couple of friends were sitting on a street corner, fishing into a bucket and looking very forlorn.
A kindhearted woman came over and gave them a quarter.
“How many have you caught today?” she asked.
“You’re the seventh!” they told her.
Joke #11372
Jenny: They’re not going to grow bananas any longer.
Bill: Why not?
Jenny: Because they’re long enough already!
Joke #11371
Bob: Go look in the cage over there. You’ll see a ten-foot snake.
Matty: Don’t try to kid me. I know snakes don’t have feet.
Joke #11370
A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toenails, so I bite them instead.”
Joke #11369
Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.
Steve’s girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, “I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I’d look like her.”
“No,” Steve corrected, “If I drank a six-pack, you’d look like her.”
Joke #11368
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'”
Joke #11367
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, “My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside.”
“What does she read?” asks Morris.
“My life insurance policy.”
Joke #11366
The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp.
That shows you how strange life is for race-horses.
You win the race, you wind up on the front of a stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back.
Joke #11365
A telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
Joke #11364
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft’s capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, “Gramma, could I have a quarter?”