The Secrecy of Knowing Nothing: The Destruction of Cal State Emptierton

There once was a man who knew literally nothing.  He would go to work, sit in his chair, stare at the wall for 8 hours, and then go back home and stare at the wall for another 16 hours.  He didn’t sleep because he can’t dream because he has nothing to dream about because he knows nothing, like I said earlier.

He was literally paid to stare at a wall and make sure it did not fall down.  There wasn’t even any paint to watch peel off or dry because it was literally just a wall.  This man, named Gabriel Nosenovich, was good at his job, as dumb as it may seem to you.  He did do other things, though.  He had a desk, with a phone, and a pad of paper.

He would receive work orders from other parts of the campus and write down what was requested to be done at the school.  This school, known as Cal State Emptierton , employed a large workforce of idiotic manual labor workers who created a huge bureaucracy for the purpose of inflating payroll.  When a light bulb or something like that blew up, they would call Gabriel and tell him that it was broken.  Gabriel would then write it on a piece of paper and then give said paper to another person who would evaluate the cost of said project which would then go to another team to go investigate and see if the prior estimate was valid.  Then this new estimate would be re-evaluated by another department which would then be reviewed by the initial estimate and the process would repeat itself until a number that everyone decided on was agreed to.  Considering it took forever and a half to get a light bulb fixed, what would come next would be surprising on more than one level.

One day, he got a call from a disgruntled bookstore manager.  The Emptierton College Bookstore just fired one of their book managers and he thought he might play a trick.  He requested a work order to demolish the bookstore.

Gabriel, obviously knowing nothing about anything, wrote the work order request as normal and handed it over to the next department.  Obviously no one in the Construction Ward had been notified that the bookstore manager had been fired, so no one questioned the intent.  After the whole bureaucracy of deciding how much it would cost to demolish the bookstore, it soon happened.

There was outrage from all corners of the campus.

“How could you have demolished the bookstore?” the President of the college, President Tasyst had asked.

“There was a work order.  You can’t question a work order,” the head of the Construction Ward, William Vable stood firm in the policies created by the Construction Ward of Cal State Emptierton.

The next day, another three requests came in to destroy other buildings on the campus, and soon there were no buildings left on the campus other than the Construction Ward.

Finally, one last call was given and someone had put a work order in to destroy the Construction Ward itself.

It took no less than a day to destroy the Construction Ward, and there wasn’t even much deliberation over whether or not they should do it.  There was a work order, after all.

Moral:  Don’t hire maintenance people who are idiots.

 

Squacklecast Episode 10 – “The Art of Covering Shifts”

This entry is part 10 of 32 in the series The Squacklecast

This week we become overly insensitive assholes (moreso than usual?  Or maybe not at all!) and lambast a girl over the 70+ e-mails that she has sent out in the past 6 months regarding shift covers.  It is truly an art form in itself when you have TO GUILT TRIP YOUR WHOLE DEPARTMENT INTO COVERING SHIFTS FOR YOU.  Not to mention it is your “second” job which only gives you at most 4 to 8 hours a week!

There aren’t that many trailers or pictures that apply to this week’s podcast, so here’s a link to the pictures section so you can laugh while you laugh.

This is the real cancer we were talking about, obviously:

Cancer Constellation

 

Joke #18633

While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.

On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

“Oh, you’ll be fine,” he said, waving of his hand. “If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke.”

 

Joke #18480

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure thing, coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee!”

The waiter says, “Whoa, mister! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

 

Joke #9201

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

 

Joke #9174

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk.”I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

 

Joke #9160

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, ma’am.  Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

“Snow.”

 

Joke #5228: Hounded Out

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

 

Joke #5222: The Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”