Alone in an alley, the mayor of Candybarrio in Foodland, Cassius Candybar was strolling through. It wasn’t exactly the safest of places to take a brisk walk, considering the last five high profile homicides had taken place here, in which all of the victims were mutilated to the point of being called a different food. No one knew what a Tomato Chocolate Smoothie was until last week when Clive Tomato and Sandy Chocandy were murdered and blended together.
“What kind of murderous, Foodlandish person would be able to exist?” the local news stations explored that question to no avail and received higher ratings than ever before. Conspiracy theorists even started to believe the news stations themselves were propagating this uptake in mutilation-type violence — or even hiring people to commit them so there would be more news coverage!
The sad truth of the matter was, that it was not that simple… Cassius knew more than he had let on in his myriad of interviews. To cut the mystery short, it was Cassius who had murdered the the five Foodlandish in the alley. He was using the publicity of the murders to propel himself to the forefront of the minds of Foodlandish in the upcoming elections.
And his plan was working.
That was, until a copycat murderer decided to open his killing spree with a high-profile target. Banana-Face the Orange had trained with his knife skills for like three hours before he came to the alley behind Roger and Jefferson’s Waffle House and Croissant Bakery.
It didn’t take too much effort to slice the ligaments in Cassisus’ legs… and before Cassius could do anything, a six-inch fruit peeler was jutted into his back. Banana-Face twisted the fruit peeler slowly as the caramel began to ooze out of Cassius. In his screams came more and more pain. The nougat began to ooze out along with the caramel and Banana-Face’s Relentless Fruit Peeler began to dig at Cassius’ peanuts. Once the hole was big enough, Banana-Face thrust his hand into Cassius and grabbed a peanut, ripping it from his nougaty center.
Cassius did everything he could to crawl away but it was to no avail. Banana-Face enraged and began to rapidly stab Cassius in his back. He began to bash Cassius’ head with his own peanut and caramel began to ooze from the back of his head. Cassius’ last ditch effort was to get his Battery-Powered Blender Knife from his right pocket. He reached for it and turned it on.
Banana-Face was in the middle of another Stab-and-Twist when Cassius flipped over, causing him to lose his balance. Cassius raised the whirring Blender Knife into the air and came into Banana-Face’s lower extremities. Banana-Face screamed louder than Cassius had, and orange juice sprayed onto Cassius’ face as he laughed maniacally, exacting his painful revenge on the orange. Orange pulp began to spray, as the knife got closer to Banana-Face’s core.
Cassius removed the Blending Knife and readied his thrust again. In that instant, Banana-Face reached and grabbed the fruit peeler in Cassius’ back and used it as a handle to get closer to Cassius before his next thrust. Cassius screamed in pain, but that didn’t do much to offset his balance as the blending knife came from the right and into Banana-Face’s side. They both screamed at the top of their lungs in their weird hug-like stance.
The alley was full of orange caramel juice. It flowed like a miniature river as it ended up into a grate on the floor. Banana-Face’s life force drained away and he eventually fell limp. Cassius fell to the ground as well, but in victory. He was relieved he had survived the ordeal, but little did he know, a new threat loomed beneath the alley — a fire-breathing Drah-Gun!
Shunookle the Drah-Gun was on a vacation from Nikpan and thought the sewer system in Foodland would provide for a nice respite from the hustle and bustle of Dragon Town. Unfortunately for her, this was the sixth extremely loud murder to occur within the last week, and it was pissing her off! She burst out of the alley’s asphalt and flew into the air, throwing asphalt all over the place and flying away.
Cassius Candybar was ultimately known for killing all tourism in Candybarrio once Shunookle the Drah-Gun posted on BizarroBook, the world’s most popular social network that Candybarrio was a very loud and unsafe place to visit.
Moral of the story: Considering the consequences of your actions is prudent in matters of politics.
“Over one thousand gallons of tequila were spilled into the sewer system in Louisville. Know what this means? Party at the Ninja Turtles’ pad.”
– Matt Sussman
I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State.
For years, customers complained about our postcard-sized bills — which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes.
The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, “Is this some kind of joke?” When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was,
“Coming soon! New Larger Bills!”
Joy to the World
That Barney’s dead
We bar-be-cued his head!
What happened to his bo-dy?
We flushed it down the pot-ty!
‘Round an’ ’round it goes…
Where it stops nobody knows…
Down in the sewer there…he…goeeeeeeeeeees!
viazow – v. to cavort naked through an overflowing sewer