My Decision to Receive Christ As My Saviour

Note: This was in the back of a bible.

Confessing to God that I am a sinner, and believing that the Lord Jesus Christ died for my sins on the cross and was raised for my justification, I do now receive and confess Him as my personal saviour.

Name: Dave “Satan” Poobond
Date: 6/6/6

This is such a crock of shit, because it was Jesus’ fault, not mine for dying at the cross.  He was the one going around praising religion and crap that got him into deep shit and nailed to fucking planks.  Don’t make ME take the blame for it, you bastard prophets that wrote the Bible!

Learn how to spell savior, at least!

 

#23299: davepoobond -> SexiLilFreek096

davepoobond: WAIT A SECOND

davepoobond: DID YOU JUST SAY YOU WERE OUT OF SCHOOL

SexiLilFreek096: ok

davepoobond: IN THE CHAT ROOM

SexiLilFreek096: ya y ?

davepoobond: cause

davepoobond: umm

davepoobond: hi

SexiLilFreek096: well hi

davepoobond: well hi!

davepoobond: hi hi hi

SexiLilFreek096: hi hi hi

SexiLilFreek096: ssry

davepoobond: sore

SexiLilFreek096: so were do u live

davepoobond: in my own world

davepoobond: called hell

davepoobond: i’m Satan, didn’t you know?

SexiLilFreek096: well if ur on the comp who’s watchin ova hell

davepoobond: hold on

SexiLilFreek096: ok

davepoobond: i think its Bob Hope’s shift right now

SexiLilFreek096: lol

SexiLilFreek096: r u outa skool

davepoobond: uhh yeah…i’ve been outta “skool” since i fell from Heaven

davepoobond: i got really bad grades

davepoobond: so i fell out of it

SexiLilFreek096: sure

SexiLilFreek096: im out till january 5th

davepoobond: yay

davepoobond: i’m out for eternity

davepoobond: y’know, being Satan and all

davepoobond: God doesn’t really want me back

SexiLilFreek096: o ya i c how it is

davepoobond: its a real bitch

SexiLilFreek096: well if ur satin u maust a’ got bad bad grades cause u cant spell ur own name

davepoobond: uhh

davepoobond: do you know what “satin” is?

davepoobond: “satin” is a type of textile

davepoobond: people WEAR satin

SexiLilFreek096: ya i no that

davepoobond: oh ok. glad we’re on the same page

SexiLilFreek096: ok

davepoobond: gonna go torture some more souls

davepoobond: see ya later

davepoobond: by the way, go to www.squackle.com its got lots of stuff made by me (Satan). its an orgrasm

SexiLilFreek096: ight ur on my bl is that kool

davepoobond: sure ok

SexiLilFreek096: bye ttyl

 

Johnny Hotfoot Adventures: Staple My Ass

This entry is part 1 of 1 in the series Johnny Hotfoot Adventures

Hi. My name is Johnny Hotfoot, and I work for Satan.

I get paid minimum wage of $7 an hour. That’s the going rate in Hell right now. There’s probably not going to be any increase in it for a while, but hey, I get by.

Now you’re probably wondering who I am, how I died and what I do for a living to get paid $7 an hour in Hell.

Well, I was one of those guys that walked on hot coal, hence the name Johnny Hotfoot. I was a freak at one of those circuses, because I had very large callouses on my feet. I’ve walked on about 300 miles on hot burning coal. You can’t imagine how hard it is to find a decent pair of shoes.

I died because as I was walking on coal, a portal to Hell opened up and I fell in. It doesn’t happen usually, but that time I died. Now, I’m Satan’s “special guy.”  I go and do “special things” for him. Now you’re probably wondering “Why the Hell do I care?” But, you’ll care. Because I’m going to tell you about my zany adventures in a very very long running series on the best site on the internet, Squackle.com!

So, its morning.  The huge ball of fire’s dark and evil light shone through my windows.  I live in a one bedroom apartment in the ghetto of Hell.  Its not necessarily a bad place, but since about half of the people in Hell are rich, they live in a house that is as big as the Earth.

Hell is not a physical place.  It is a spiritual one, and in the spirit world, everything is different.  There is an endless amount of space and you can do whatever you want.  Except go to Heaven.  No one likes it up there.  You wear dresses and everything and everybody is white.  Its almost like the Puritan’s America, but with clouds and instead of dinky hats, they have halos floating around.

At about 10:00 AM Satan gave me a call on my Hell phone, the Hell version of the Cell Phone.  Not many people know this, but AT&T Wireless supplies us with our phone service.  They, dare I say, signed a deal with the devil.  Hahahaha I crack myself up.

Anywho, Satan said, “yo my bro dawg diggity, go on down to the licka store and buy me some Rolaids.  I got massive heart freeze here, my bro dawg diggity.  Peace out.”  So, I went to the liquor store.

As I was walking in, a group of demons were playing around with some staple guns they bought from the liquor store.  Lucky me, one of the staples strayed and hit me in the ass.  “Ah! Sonuva BITCH!” I yelled as I held my ass.  “Who the FUCK do you think you’re dealin with here, I’m going to rape you all you fucking cocksucking demon stupid ass WHORES!” So I took out my long John and wrapped them up with it.  They couldn’t get away now.

“Oh fuck! You really did it this time Fred!  You’re gonna get us raped and beaten!” One of the demon’s yelled.

 

And so I did.

 

Then, after I finished up, I got some Rolaids for Satan, and gave them to him.  He thanked me.

 

Don’t Do Drugs

 

The End.