1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I’m tired. I think I’ll stop working.
Car Battery: Now I can retire. The best years are ahead of me! (Dies.)
Bob Hope: That’s why I’m not retiring.
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I was driven around by a very hairy kid for three and a half years. Time to rest on the driveway and do nothing.
One-legged Squirrel: Life isn’t as great with just one leg.
One-legged Starfish: Well, you only lost one leg.
One-legged Squirrel: So?
One-legged Starfish: I lost four of mine to a jet ski.
One-legged Squirrel: Um… can’t you grow legs back?
One-legged Starfish: Yeah, but it’s hard. Plus I’m in a union.
One-legged Squirrel: Ahhh. So you let management worry about it.
One-legged Starfish: Basically. It’s great to be a well paid echinoderm.
One-legged Squirrel: Hey, my best girl is late. Where do you suppose she is?
Flattened Two-legged Female Squirrel: AACK!
One-legged Squirrel: Oh no, my girlfriend! She has two legs, but she’s flattened!
One-legged Starfish: That would make sense, given her name in the script.
One-legged Squirrel: I will not let you be forgotten! Someone must pay!
One-legged Starfish: Yeah, probably the car that ran her over.
One-legged Squirrel: Perhaps, but it’s faster than me, and it’s already gone. I shall take my anger out on a parked car of the same color.
One-legged Starfish: What color was it?
One-legged Squirrel: How should I know? (Looks around frantically.) There’s a white one. Let’s get it.
(One-legged Squirrel meanders its way towards 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix.)
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Do you hear something, garage door?
Garage Door: (Says nothing. It’s just a normal garage door.)
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Oh, of all the inanimate objects to not have a speaking part… it sure is lonely here. And I’m pretty sure
something’s coming up from behind me.
One-legged Squirrel: It’s me! One of your kind ran over my girlfriend! And since he got away, I’m taking this out on you!
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Who’s saying that? I can’t look behind me.
(Ten minutes later…)
One-legged Squirrel: There’s no escape!
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Holy shit, for a raging lunatic of a squirrel, you sure are slow!
One-legged Squirrel: In the land of dead car batteries, the squirrel with one limb is king!
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
Pat Buchanan: I did.
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: In that case, would you mind giving me a push?
Pat Buchanan: Depends. Will you vote for me in the next election?
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Not on purpose, but hey, you might get lucky again.
Pat Buchanan: Good enough for me.
(Pat Buchanan pushes 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix towards One-legged Squirrel.)
One-legged Squirrel: Uh-oh! Now the car is moving as fast as me, but in the opposite direction! This is one math problem I don’t want to figure out!
Pat Buchanan: Excellent! He’s trying to turn around!
(One-legged Squirrel attempts to turn around, but since he has one leg, it’s really hard.)
One-legged Squirrel: Egads! I will be run over again!
Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Not if I can help it!
(Squirrel in a Wheelchair comes to the rescue, pulls One-legged Squirrel onto his wheelchair.)
One-legged Squirrel: I’m saved!
Squirrel in a Wheelchair: Now we roll to safety!
(Squirrel in a Wheelchair rolls out to the street, only to get run over by a Segway.)
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Keep pushing! We’re almost there!
Pat Buchanan: We already got him.
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: Well I don’t see him.
Pat Buchanan: We went for that Y-shaped twig, right?
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I don’t think so…
Pat Buchanan: How about that ant hill?
1994 Pontiac Grand Prix: I really don’t know. It could have been. I need to hear it to know for sure.
Pat Buchanan: I’m tired. I better stop pushing. (Stops pushing.)
One-legged Starfish: GET… OFF… ME!!!