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Summer movies are in full swing, and this time we take a look at Prometheus as well as the upcoming summer schedule of movies. Its a big year for super heroes but not much else to get excited about.
WARNING: THERE ARE SOME PROMETHEUS SPOILERS! You can skip to about a third of the way through and skip all the Prometheus stuff if you care.
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Prometheus is a film that raises more questions than answers, like: “Why would you kill Charlize Theron?” and “Why didn’t we see that scene with Charlize getting it up the butt from the big black dude?”
And there’s also all that hullabaloo about the origins of man and the beginnings of the Xenomorphs, but that’s all secondary.
Inception noise? Meet your match: PROMETHEUS NOISE!
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Adam Sandler is intentionally making shitty movies. Its the only explanation. He just needs to stick with family comedies and dramatic movies, apparently.
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This summer has a list of movies it wants to murder, and its gotten a few of them already:
Battleship: Sunk
The Dictator: Assassinated
Dark Shadows: Black Eye
Chernobyl Diaries: Nuked
Prometheus: Hospitalized (In the baby ward)
That’s My Boy: Murdered
Rock of Ages: Murdered
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: Pending Assassination
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Brave is another one of those Pixar movies that I’ll probably just hate. I hate more Pixar movies than I do like them, apparently.
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Owen Wilson: I don’t like his voice, and I don’t like his face.
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Finding Nemo had the worst characters of any Pixar movie ever.
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The Good Dinosaur is probably just The Good Shepherd but with real dinosaurs, not people you could call dinosaurs.
Its actually worse than that. It has Lil’ Wayne in it.
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Pixar has an impressively boring list of upcoming movies.
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Magic Mike has Channing Tatum in it. Like, OH EM GEE.
Directed by Steven Soderbergh, no less.
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How does Tyler Perry keep making movies? He’s like Adam Sandler but successful.
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Katy Perry: Part of Me: Pending Stage Collapse
Savages: Dead on Arrival
Step Up Revolution: Someone Will Step Down (In the government. Get it? Revolution? Government? Step Down?)
The Watch: Legally murdered. Maybe.
Total Recall: Unfortunate Death Due to Lack of References. Please resubmit an application.
Expendables 2: Expendable (get it?)
ParaNorman: Already Dead
Resident Evil: Retribution: Been Dead
Sean Bean: Died 20+ times. Save Sean Bean!
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That’s it for this week, folks. Hope you like our rudimentary coverage of what’s to come for this summer in the movies.
If you want to be on the Squacklecast, let us know! We can schedule you for an interview and you can hang out with us for an hour.
