After attempting to set a new record by beating his meat to the same picture for 8 hours, Dave was rudely interrupted by an IM from a mysterious Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34@aol.com (appearently Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot 1-33 were already taken) Dave was intrigued because he had never heard any appraise for squackle…ahem…suquakle before… all the “fan mail” was actually him incognito. Thier conversation went a little something like this

(note: ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34=Ilovedavepoobondyesdavepoobondfromsquackleheissooooohot34)

ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34: i love you

Davepoobond: brb, i just started beating it.

(approx. 36 seconds later)

Davepoobond: ok, done

ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34: Will you marry me?

Davepoobond: yeah, ok

(Davepoobond and ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 get married via getmarriedtoatotalstrangerovertheinternet.net)

On next week’s episode!: Will Dave and his secret admirer meet? Will ILDPBYDPBFSHISH34 turn out to be a 4’3″ overweight slightly balding spanish speaking hill troll with a pair of wire frame glasses and a stutter? the answers to that and more….is yes.

Dave was making the website for SUQUAKLE when suddenly the roof of stumpy’s house came off. It happened to be the Goddess of porno, completely naked and using a dildo as a magic wand. Goddess: ‘Dave! Why aren’t you beatin your shit? DON’T YOU LOVE LOOKING AT NAKED GIRLS ANYMORE? ” Dave: “Sure I do…it’s just Fred fucks me so well!” Goddess: “Oh I see…your gay! I have some gay porn for you!” Before Dave can say anything, she waves her magic Dildo and dave gets a bunch of porn e-mail advertising gay stuff. Dave: “NO BITCH! I AIN’T GAY! FRED IS A GIRL! AND A MIGHTY FINE ONE AT THAT!” Goddess: “Oh well…You may have her now, but when your single, loking at your penis and wishing some hot slut was on it, you’ll come back to me. Goodbye dave.” Dave: “Wait…did you take me off this gay porn e-mail spell?” Goddess: “Hmmm…nope. I hope you know Stumpy whacks off more times then the president of Russia.” She disappears. Dave ponders in thought when Stump comes rushing in. Stumpy: “DAVE! WTF!!! YOU BLEW YOUR LOAD SO HARD IT KNOCKED MY CEILING OFF?” Dave: “No stumpy, it was the porn goddess…” Stumpy: “….Right…I believe you.” A minute later Stumpy kicks his ass out of his house.

Dave is beatin his shit…then a knock on the door is heard. He opens the door and it’s Mr. T! Mr. T: “ASSHO!” Dave: “I KILL YOU!” They wrestle and dave kicks Mr. T’s ass. Then Dave is about to go beat his shit but another knock is heard. Dave opens the door and it’s Fred. Fred: “DAVE I MISSED YOU! LETS HAVE HOT SEX AT STUMPY’S HOUSE!” Dave: “Ok!” They go to Stumpy’s house and Dave knocks on the door. Stumpy opens the door….naked…..and says: “What the hell are you two doing here?” Dave kicks stumpy outside and Dave goes inside with Fred and they fuck all day long. After a long time Fred says: “Dave…did you finish the SUQUAKLE website?” Dave says: “No but i’ll dance right now.” So Dave starts dancing for no reason. Fred then says: “THATS IT DAVE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN ASSHOLE!” She storms out of Stumpy’s house. Dave then goes to Stumpy’s computer and starts working on SUQUAKLE website. Suddenly a loud noise is heard and the roof of Stumpy’s house comes off!

Dave….making the website at Stumpy’s house, is shocked when he hears Stumpy yell out: “OH MY GOD YOUR A MAN!” He runs into the room and he see’s Stumpy looking down and Fred laying naked on the bed. He immediatley see’s that Fred is a girl. Dave: “What are you talkin about? Fred is a girl!” Stumpy: “I wasn’t talkin about Fred! I WAS TALKIN ABOUT ME! SEE MY PENIS! ISN’T IT QUIET LARGE?” Dave: “Uh…..i’m going home….and holding back from killing you. Come on Fred, lets go.” Fred and Dave walk out of Stumpy’s house and walk home. They have hot hoooooot sex all night long. Dave has 20 orgasms that night. The next morning Fred wakes up to find out that Bubba is under the bed unconcious. Fred: “BUBBA! DAVE WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?” Dave: “He bothered me while i was beatin my shit…..and NOBODY bothers me and my penis during the hours of 12:00 AM to 12:00 PM….Eastern Standard time, that is….” Fred: “DAVE! I’M WALKIN OUT EVEN IF THAT WAS THE BEST SEX I EVER HAD! And I’m takin my drunken lover with with me…” Fred carries Bubba and they walk out. As soon as they walk out Dave goes on beatin his shit. The doorbell rings and Dave goes and opens it. It’s Mr. T with a brand new computer! Mr. T: “I pity the fool – ” Dave slams the door on Mr. T’s face right after he takes the computer. He then connects it and logs onto porn to beat his shit.

Dave, tradegically strucken by his computer accident, goes to his local porn shop and talks with his all time best friend: Mr. T. Dave: “My computer busted while I was beatin my shit…” Mr. T: “I pity the foo who messed up your computer…i’m gonna beat his head into a telephone so he can finally dial 1-800-collect.” Dave: “…uh…yeah whatever.” Mr. T: “shut up foo!” Mr. T bitchslaps Dave. Dave wrestles Mr. T and Dave beats him up. He then walks back to his house and sits down on his couch and beats his shit. The phone rings and he picks it up. It’s Dave’s best friend, Stumpy. Stumpy: “Hey…I heard about your computer thing…come on over and use mine…” Dave runs over to Stumpy’s house. He enters the house and he walks to Stumpy’s room. Stumpy: “Hey sup…go ahead and set up SUQUAKLE on my computer. I’m just going to have hot sex with your former Girlfriend Fred in the other room.” Dave: “Well i was just gonna look at porn to beat my shit to.” Stumpy: “Dude…don’t you beat your shit enough? It’s gonna fall off the way your goin at it…” Dave: “Yeah alright…i’ll set up SUQUAKLE.” Stumpy goes into another room with Fred and they start having sex n stuff while Dave is making the SUQUAKLE web page. Suddenly Stumpy screams about half way through the love making: “YOUR A MAN!!!!!!!”

The scene starts off with Dave, sitting at his computer with his hands down his pants and his hot latin girlfriend talking to him behind him. She calls to him: “Dave…have you updated the SUQUAKLE website? If you have…you get a big fat sloppy kiss…” Dave replies: “No i’ve been too busy beatin my shit to porn….” The latin girlfriend named fred starts crying and sobbing: “DAVE!!!!!! WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOU!!! DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE WEB PAGE ANYMORE?” Dave continues to whack off…. Fred cries even harder: “THATS IT! IF YOU CAN’T RESPECT SUQUAKLE THEN I’M WALKIN OUT ON YOU!!!!!” Dave says: “BYE!” Fred walks out and slams the door…silence is heard throughout the house except for dave beatin his shit. Suddenly, Sam, Fred’s lover…bursts into the room…Sam: “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAH GIRL!” Dave jumps up and says: “She’s a slut!” They both start wrestling and Dave throws Sam at the computer and Sam gets a concussion… The computer breaks and Dave falls to the ground, covering his eyes and then looks at the ceiling and cries: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Then he starts sobbing.

Dave…an average pornoholic like you and me….makes a web page called SUQAUKLE (due to law suits we cannot use the actual name of the web site). This all seems nice and good for Dave….He’s got a web site and some porn to beat his shit to. But what dave does not know is the tensions between choosing which one is better (porn or SUQAUKLE) have begun.