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GTA: San Andreas (PS2): A Soccer Mom’s Review

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This entry is part 1 of 3 in the series Soccer Mom Dave

This is a satire about the way a certain “parent” would look upon a video game. It’s written as if it was for a site that was run by mothers who denounce controversial video games based on third party information rather than actually experiencing it themselves, and making rash judgments about things they have little knowledge about. The name of this “mother” is Soccer Mom Dave.

I have never been so appalled in my life. Today, while I was neglecting my children and watching the latest episode of Alias, I came by a news break commercial about a horrible horrible horrible game that had been re-rated by something called the “ESRB.” Upon further research, I had learned that by giving players the option to do whatever they please in a made up world of lust, sex, violence, and drugs, GTA: San Andreas has made its strike on America’s morality, which can never be healed.

How anyone can find this game fun eludes (I used the thesaurus for that one) me. Telling a story about a gangster is absolutely Ludacris (get it?). So, because of the fact that the story offends me, I refused to actually read any more into it. I am abhorrently against anything that may represent true life, and this is definitely something I am against, because gangsters are not real people according to my philosophy. I have heard that Samuel L. Jackson voices a crooked cop in the game, but it only makes me hate it even more because Samuel L. Jackson is a very obscene and RUDE individual. He drops the F bomb more than a can of peas at sunset. Never mind the fact that you can sleep with a prostitute and then kill her to get your money back! This is a completely unforgivable act, and I can’t believe that they would even insert this into the game and force you to do it nonetheless!

As to whether or not I have seen (because I don’t play games – ever. I am a very serious person, except for when it comes to dating) any other games in this “series” (I call it more of a disgrace than a series), I would have to say no. I will easily pass judgment on them and say they offend me as well, even though I don’t even know their names.

As talented as the programmers of the game may think of themselves to be, I believe them all to be felons, and nothing less. They should all be tossed into jail for concocting such a horrible horrible horrible game to release to the masses, even though it’s the consumers’ choice to buy it in the first place.

I had also heard that the Grand Theft Auto games have a good musical selection included in them. I say it’s crap. Any soundtrack that doesn’t have “The Bomb” by The Bucketheads and the whole Barry Manilow album (deservingly titled) “Ultimate Manilow” deserves a big thumbs-down from this van-driving wannabe-soccer-enthusiast.

So, when I had seen the report on this GTA San Andreas game getting re-rated to Adults Only (!!!!!!) from a Mature rating, I was shocked. Not only was the violence off the charts, but there was a hidden mini-game included in the game where you can have sex with your girlfriend! How could they rate a game Mature for having full-on, hardcore, PORNOGRAPHIC content EMBEDDED WITHIN THE GAME AND HAVE IT ONLY HAVE A MATURE RATING!!?!?!?!??!?! THIS IS CRAZY. After hearing the news, I took part in helping the National Parental Warning issued by the National Institute on Media and the Family (NIMF) by calling up Easily-Offended Mom Anthony, Dr. Phil-Addicted Mom Elias, Horribly-Inept Mom Kevin, Irresponsible Mom Dan, Censoring Mom Ian, and 24-Hour-A-Day-Drunk Mom AJ and told them about the uncovered lie told by Rockstar. All were up in arms, and we told the rest of our community in hopes to spark an outrage.

I would never let my son touch this game with a sixty foot pole. Though he has asked for the game, I have vehemently denied him the right to, and threatened to not pay for his college education if he ever asks again. MY nine year old will just have to do with his other games like Manhunt, Killer 7, Killzone, Metal Gear Solid 2, Metal Gear Solid 3, and Madden 2005 (I once had to take it away for two weeks when he called me an I Formation with two Wide Receivers – that language is not tolerated in this house) for the time being until he gets old enough to play a game like GTA: San Andreas.

The overall score for the game is a Ban-And-Squelch-Free-Speech/10.

Game Reviews, Games

Bully (PS2): A Soccer Mom’s Pre-release Review

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This entry is part 2 of 3 in the series Soccer Mom Dave

This is a satire about the way a certain “parent” would look upon a video game. It’s written as if it was for a site that was run by mothers who denounce controversial video games based on third party information rather than actually experiencing it themselves, and making rash judgments about things they have little knowledge about. Instead of classifying this as a preview, this reviewer comes to the conclusion of whether or not you should get the game before anything has even been released/shown/known about it. The name of this “mother” is Soccer Mom Dave.

Let me tell you right now: I’m disgusted. Have you heard about that game “Bully”? It’s a game that those sick minds at Rockstar Games are going to impose on us. My own son has a bully problem at school, and any chance of him playing this game will only make him realize how much of a weak molested little boy he is (wait until I start emasculating him at his soccer games). Playing tricks on teachers is one thing, but starting fights (even killing!!!!!) students is completely absurd.

While sitting in at the Meaningless Organization of Mothers (MOM for short), I heard all about the game and how you can do everything and more in the game including raping school girls and taking a gun to the school to create one Columbine after another. In this day and age, there are just things you don’t do; this is one of them.

Now, what I also heard at the MOM meeting right before we went into the 56th discussion of Hilary Clinton’s book was that major politicians agree that Bully will harm our society. A large sect of MOM called the MOUTH (Motherly Order of the Uninteresting Tantamount of the Hamiltonian) presented their findings based on extensive research of Bully have said that in their closed experiment, children ages 0-4 who played Bully for 10 hours at a time had extremely violent reactions while starving in their 4’ by 4’ cage, while the ones not playing Bully and eating as many sugary sweet snacks as they wanted were generally calm and passed out peacefully once their sugar highs died down. What does this research show, you might ask? It brings unchallenged proof that the games of today’s society are affecting the behavior of our children at a young age, not because of the way parents raise them.

As parents, we have no responsibility whatsoever in raising our children as schools and day time television programming (minus Janet “Whataslut” Jackson) are the only institutions of which should raise our children. While our children are preoccupied with being shrugged off towards other parties to look for values and beliefs to hold on to, we parents (moms especially) can go to Robinson’s May to look for a new way to spend our neglecting husband’s hard earned money on worthless things to make it feel like he loves us indirectly and to waste our time talking about Hilary Clinton’s book, carrying it around with us wherever we go (as if it was actually compelling enough to carry around in the first place) and avoid any improvement on our reasoning skills to see through the totally biased and uninformed organizations like MOM judge things that haven’t even been released yet, like Bully. But that’s just me.

Bully is a horrible game. I have heard enough about it to pass final judgment on it, and it is to say boycott this game and Rockstar! The game doesn’t even deserve a score because of its horrid nature. There is no score that could even be assigned to reflect my opinion. Maybe we should just put the whole review over a denominator of 10.

Game Reviews, Games

Candy Crush Saga (iOS): A Soccer Mom’s Review

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This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series Soccer Mom Dave

This is a satire about the way a certain “parent” would look upon a video game. It’s written as if it was for a site that was run by mothers who denounce controversial video games based on third party information rather than actually experiencing it themselves, and making rash judgments about things they have little knowledge about. The name of this “mother” is Soccer Mom Dave.

–

Developer/Publisher: King Games  | Soccer Mom Score:  0/10

How dare they.

They made a game based on candy.

A group of buffoons who have enough gall to create a game so delicious-looking that it influences my children to eat candy!!!!!! All of these developers who made this game will rot in Candy Hell – don’t they know that America’s obesity epidemic starts and ends with the media? Games like Candy Crush Saga influence our children to become stupid, fat, obese adults who want to eat more candy and junk food. Jelly, whip cream, gum balls, exploding candy, chocolate balls with sprinkles that turn everything else into exploding candy! What kind of a sick mind would think of this stuff?

Not only does this game appeal to children, since they put a little child in the game as the main “protagonist” but they also try to appeal to sexy fatherly men who wear suits, just like this butler guy who tells you how to accomplish all of these massively unappealing, evil puzzles while talking in a sultry voice. It is just perfect that this game is a “match-three” game – it influences our children and prospective husbands to always want to eat candy in groups of three, four, or five. Not only that, but you get rewarded for matching higher combos, implying that you will succeed if you eat more candy! What lies are they feeding the general public with their implications!? There are absolutely no disclaimers that this candy is Calorie-Free, or even Fat-Free! Eating candy will kill you. Also, dragons and talking robots do not exist. I don’t know why they even put them in this slow-and-torturous-murder simulator. The dragon probably has diabetes from swimming in sugar water too long.

As if my life wasn’t terrible enough before this game came out, for free, I now have to deal with my children begging me for candy and acting like the whip cream in the game. They hug my knees, and don’t allow me to move until I clear them out. The only way I can get them to leave me alone is by pelting them with candy, just like in the game, and then I can move more freely. Sometimes my children cover themselves with Jelly and the only way to remove the Jelly is by throwing multiple combinations of candy at the Jelly chunks on their faces. My children are also recreating the game board from Candy Crush Saga in our 10-acre backyard with 300+ levels, just like in the game. When my husband gets home, all he does is drink beer and neglect me and my children, so it’s not like he’s going to put a stop to this madness! I wish that I could hire a butler to escort my children around this hugely elaborate candy game that is evolving in my backyard.

And just like the real-life version in my backyard, Candy Crush Saga was probably play-tested by all of three people, none of them paid. What’s the point of balancing a game when you can charge people anywhere from a dollar to FORTY damn dollars to cheat on an unbalanced game? Instead of trying to make the game a “fun,” balanced, and healthy experience, they’ve created a death machine meant to extort money and make the obesity epidemic even worse! Candy Crush Saga takes over the minds of the sheep we call our fellow humans and bleeds them dry for “power-ups” that shouldn’t even exist in a balanced game. No wonder they made 300 levels – you will inevitably be stuck on level 30, and never be able to play the other 90% of the game unless you pay to cheat! The temptation is absolutely unbearable! My children, both with iPhone 5s, have spent nearly 200 dollars each on this game to cheat. In real life, cheating is free — all you have to do is skirt around your obligations and make the other guy pay for the hotel. This game doesn’t teach my children any valuable or “useful” lessons.

Why can’t they make Health Food Saga, instead? It would have relieved my potential stress levels immeasurably. They should have used Fat-free milk, Baby Carrots, Asian Pears, Romaine Lettuce, Cherry Tomatoes and Vitamin Pills.

To conclude, this game needs to be more like real life – STOP PUTTING DELUSIONS IN MY IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN’S HEADS!!! LOOK AT WHAT IT HAS DONE TO MY LIFE, MY HOUSE, AND AMERICA!!! BAN CANDY CRUSH SAGA FROM YOUR iPHONES, PARENTS!  THE RESISTANCE STARTS WITH YOU!