“DAMNIT! I had the FUNIEST FUNNIEST FUNNNNNNNNNNNIEST CHAT ROOM THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND AS I WAS SENDING IT TO YOU AOL HAD AN ERROR GOD DAMNIT!!!!!!!!”
– Holmes
All posts by Holmes
Quote #13922
“todays jokes are just the descendents of overused jokes”
– Holmes
Quote #13921
“Hi im santa claus! turn around and give me a hug!”
– Holmes
Quote #13920
“Santa Claus will get all north pole on your ass if you don’t be good”
– Holmes
Quote #13919
“Blah blah black sheep have you any wool?”
– Holmes
Quote #13918
“God made Elk, God made deer, God made N*SYNC a bunch of queers.”
– Holmes
#10742: MadManWithAnAxe -> Holmes
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: It’s mean to name your kid Fuckface.
Holmes: ha
Holmes: how true
Holmes: and yet…
Holmes: how hilarious
MadManWithAnAxe: hehe
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: All the money in the world can’t buy your dignity back if someone videotapes you trying to give oral pleasure to a lawn gnome.
Holmes: damn there goes all my hopes for my dignity back
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Polar bears do not like complimentary ass massages.
Holmes: have you tried it? don’t knock it until you try it
MadManWithAnAxe: hahaha
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: If you’re going to attempt to stick your head up someone elses anal cavity, it’s probably in your best interest to wear goggles.
Holmes: well that brings new meaning to the term: i can’t see shit
MadManWithAnAxe: HAHA
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: It’s not against the law to put a litter of kittens into your mouth…but it should be.
Holmes: whats wrong with eating more then one pussy at once?
MadManWithAnAxe: HEH
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: A human face doesn’t taste as good as I thought it would.
Holmes: oh well..theres always hope in eating a dogs face
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: I’ll bet everyone without legs has a funny story to tell.
Holmes: hah…uncle benny cut his legs off because we wouldn’t feed him his second dinner!
MadManWithAnAxe: hehehehe, that’s great
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Just because the space-gnomes inside your head tell you to, it’s never a good idea to staple yourself to pogo stick and yell “BEWARE!: I AM POGO-BOY, THE MOST POWERFUL BEING IN THE UNIVERSE!” People might think you’re crazy.
Holmes: it’s sooo typical of people to judge me just because i am pogo-boy…will the racism ever end?
MadManWithAnAxe: HEH
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: You may think it’s cool to dress up in hot pants and a ten gallon hat and attend random people’s funeruls and sing 80’s style karaoke , but you’re really just making an ass out of yourself.
Holmes: ….NOW you tell me
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: I wouldn’t exactly know from experience, but I’ll bet it’s pretty hard to hide a penguin in your ass.
Holmes: well, sorry to burst your bubble, but remeber hearing about penny, the famous penguin that ran away from the circus? guess where he is…
MadManWithAnAxe: :-DHAHAHA
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: You’d think having sex with a mattress would be more satisfying than it actually is.
Holmes: water bed’s are oh so sexy!
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: It’s never a good idea to masturbate and ski at the same time.
Holmes: oh yeah…oh yeah i’m coming…i’m coming…i’m com- *splat* poor joe, took a whole box of viagra before he went skiing…and hit a tree…what a way to go…
MadManWithAnAxe: hah
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Just because you have the means to fit a midget into your ass, doesn’t make it right.
Holmes: well…penny needed a friend
MadManWithAnAxe: HEEHEEHE
MadManWithAnAxe: ;-)that was good
MadManWithAnAxe: you should be famous
Holmes: heh i doubt i could be
Holmes: damn i hate when people IM you when your typing a sentence
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Sex with a microwave isn’t very pleasurable.
Holmes: that’s because your only suppose to do anal
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: To be impaled on a toothbrush…that’s gotta be a crappy way to die.
Holmes: not as crappy as dieing in someone’s ass
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: All the drugs in the world cannot equal the fun of poking a hobo with a sharpened stick.
Holmes: poking a hobo who’s on all the drugs in the world at once with a sharp stick, now that’s FUNNY!
MadManWithAnAxe: hehe
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: Injecting anti-freeze into your scrotum may make people think you’re cool, but what would your parents think?
Holmes: well, i perfer my penis NOT to shrivel up when it’s cold…people will think i’m on the “short” side
MadManWithAnAxe: heeeeeeeey, that’s actually not a bad idea
Holmes: yeah…now if only i could stop my nipples from getting hard…
MadManWithAnAxe: FUN FACT!: If you’re eating a sandwich, and the sandwich starts mumbling at you in Latin, it’s probably best just to put it down and just walk away.
Holmes: but first kill it before it plans to take over the world…and steal it’s tomatos
#10449: Sx ShyTeaRs xS -> Holmes
Sx ShyTeaRs xS: Yo, i am letting everyone know about my web site 🙂 come over here. 😀
Holmes: really yo?
Holmes: who’s everyone?
Holmes: yo?
Holmes: all your 1 friends?
Holmes: plus random online aol people?
Holmes: is that everyone?
Holmes: what a porno looser
#10446: M5U3S6H4A -> Holmes
M5U3S6H4A: sup, check out hot young women having fun in front of the camera at my tight website. This is NOT some trashy site like the ones everyone else IMs you with! =) so come over here!!! :*
Holmes: FUCK YOU!
Holmes: YOU SUCK SO MUCH DICK IT COMES OUTTA YOUR EARS
#10434: MariaGirl14 -> Holmes
MariaGirl14: sup, i am asking you to visit my web page =) please click here.
Holmes: FUCK YOU YOU FUCKIN WHORE PIECE OF SHIT
Auto response from MariaGirl14: Hi Holmes, I am currently away from my computer. If you want to talk, leave me a message. Meanwhile you can see my webcam right here, there might be a replay =)
Holmes: FUCKIN BITCH
–
Then she signed off.
Joke #8876
A guy walks into a restaurant and sits down. A waiter comes next to him and asks him what he will have.
“How much does a beer cost” asked the customer.
The waiter responded: “2 cents”
The guy, quiet frankly surprised, asked: “How much does soup cost?”
The waiter responded: “2 cents”
The guy then asked “How about the steak dinner” “2 cents” was the reply of the waiter.
The guy then asked: “can i speak to the manager?”
The waiter responded: “no he’s upstairs with my wife…”
The guy then asked:Â “whats he doin with your wife?”
The waiter then said” The same thing I’m doing with his buisness”
Joke #8875
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”
Daves of Our Lives Episode 6
Dave was making the website for SUQUAKLE when suddenly the roof of stumpy’s house came off. It happened to be the Goddess of porno, completely naked and using a dildo as a magic wand. Goddess: ‘Dave! Why aren’t you beatin your shit? DON’T YOU LOVE LOOKING AT NAKED GIRLS ANYMORE? ” Dave: “Sure I do…it’s just Fred fucks me so well!” Goddess: “Oh I see…your gay! I have some gay porn for you!” Before Dave can say anything, she waves her magic Dildo and dave gets a bunch of porn e-mail advertising gay stuff. Dave: “NO BITCH! I AIN’T GAY! FRED IS A GIRL! AND A MIGHTY FINE ONE AT THAT!” Goddess: “Oh well…You may have her now, but when your single, loking at your penis and wishing some hot slut was on it, you’ll come back to me. Goodbye dave.” Dave: “Wait…did you take me off this gay porn e-mail spell?” Goddess: “Hmmm…nope. I hope you know Stumpy whacks off more times then the president of Russia.” She disappears. Dave ponders in thought when Stump comes rushing in. Stumpy: “DAVE! WTF!!! YOU BLEW YOUR LOAD SO HARD IT KNOCKED MY CEILING OFF?” Dave: “No stumpy, it was the porn goddess…” Stumpy: “….Right…I believe you.” A minute later Stumpy kicks his ass out of his house.
Daves of Our Lives Episode 5
Dave is beatin his shit…then a knock on the door is heard. He opens the door and it’s Mr. T! Mr. T: “ASSHO!” Dave: “I KILL YOU!” They wrestle and dave kicks Mr. T’s ass. Then Dave is about to go beat his shit but another knock is heard. Dave opens the door and it’s Fred. Fred: “DAVE I MISSED YOU! LETS HAVE HOT SEX AT STUMPY’S HOUSE!” Dave: “Ok!” They go to Stumpy’s house and Dave knocks on the door. Stumpy opens the door….naked…..and says: “What the hell are you two doing here?” Dave kicks stumpy outside and Dave goes inside with Fred and they fuck all day long. After a long time Fred says: “Dave…did you finish the SUQUAKLE website?” Dave says: “No but i’ll dance right now.” So Dave starts dancing for no reason. Fred then says: “THATS IT DAVE I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN ASSHOLE!” She storms out of Stumpy’s house. Dave then goes to Stumpy’s computer and starts working on SUQUAKLE website. Suddenly a loud noise is heard and the roof of Stumpy’s house comes off!
The Case of the Missing X Box’s Box
This is a Shitlock Holmes adventure
Holmes’s is beating Watchman, his assistant, in a game of twister. They are in there office. Watchman falls ontop of Holmes…It looks really gay. Just then the secretary walks into the office.Secretary : Uh…ok?
Holmes : Well what is it bitch?
Secretary : You got a call, some teenager lost his X Box. He wants you and your gay lover to help.
Holmes : Thanks slut, next time bring one of your thousands of boyfriends to help us solve the case.
Secretary flips him off and slams the door of his office. Holmes gets up, kicks Watchman off the mat and rolls it up. Watchman rols back his sleeve reveling his arm full of watches…what the fuck?
Holmes : Well Watchman, we got a case finally.
Watchman : Ye-
Holmes : Shut up and get me my coat.
Watchman gets the coat and they walk out. They arrive at Jimmy P.’s house an hour late because Watchman is stupid and can’t drive for shit. He hit like 5 grandma’s and 2 stop signs. Anyways, Jimmy P. opens the door when he hears the crash outside his house. What a surprise, Watchman drove into the side of the house.
Jimmy : WHAT THE FUCKKKK!!!!!!!!
Watchman : So-
Holmes : Shut up Watchman
Jimmy : WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?
Holmes : Sorry, anyways where’s the crime scene?
Jimmy : DON’T ANYWAYS ME, YOU CRASHED RIGHT INTO MY FUCKIN HOUSE, MY X BOX ISN’T WORTH THE ASS BEATIN’ I’M GETTIN FROM MY GRANDMA WHEN SHE COMES HOME FROM HER WALK!
Holmes looks at Watchman and back at Jimmy.
Holmes : Um did she have belbottom pants and a pink cane and a purple pimpin’ hat?
Jimmy : Yea, why?
Holmes and Watchman : ….
Holmes : um…yeah, she’s probablly laying on the street tired or somethin…we’ll see her when she gets back
Watchman runs to the car and quickly pulls off the Purple Pimp hat thats covered in blood off the bumper and throws it into the neighbor’s yard.
Holmes : Anyways…about that crime scene…
Jimmy : Oh yeah it’s over here…
Jimmy leads them inside to his house, they hop over the car thats in the middle of the dining room and they make there way into his room. Holmes and Watchman survey the scene.
Holmes : The X Box is right here…are you stupid?
Jimmy : No, the other X Box…
Holmes : You have 2 X Boxs?
Jimmy : No
Watchman : it’s 3:01 PM EST
Holmes is confused…
Jimmy : It’s the Box that the X Box came in, thats the real X Box because with out it, you can’t get the X Box…
Holmes : Umm…ok??
Jimmy : It’s stolen…
Holmes : And who gives a shit?
Jimmy : It’s stolen
Watchman goes to the car and pulls out a bag and heads to the bathroom. He dumps the bag into the bathtub and it’s full of…???…WATCHES? WHAT THE FUCK? He takes off his clothes and jumps in. Jimmy heres the noise and goes to the bathroom.
Jimmy : what the fuck???
Watchman : it’s 3:30 PM EST!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
Jimmy goes to his room and pulls out his baseball bat and walks back into the bathroom. He starts smashing the watches in the bathtub!
Jimmy : WHAT TIME IS IT NOW MOTHA FUCKA!
Watchman gets pissed and tackles Jimmy..they get into a tough game of thumb war… WHAT THE FUCK? Holmes walks in and see’s Watchman and Jimmy thumb wrestling.
Holmes : Watchman, grab your watches and lets go.
Jimmy : But what about my X Box????
Holmes : Fuck your X Box, besides your grandma had it when she was walkin down the street to your house right before we…um nevermind…
Holmes walks quickly over to the car and Jimmy follows.
Jimmy : Right before what?
Suddenly, jimmy looks over to the car and see’s a X Boxs’ Box flattened against the hood of the car covered with blood. Watchman grabs his sack full of watches, forgets his clothes and hops in the car, Holmes follows.
Jimmy : YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watchman drives off crashing into garbage cans n’ stuff…watches are flying out the windows of the car. They make there way back to there office and they crash into the building, even though Watchman is butt naked and his arms and legs are covered with watches. The End.