Cast:
Old Guy – Jerry Seinfeld
Lick My Balls – Mike Tyson
Ming – Cameron Diaz
Master Tea – Mr. T
Mrs. Pa – Jim Carrey
Fan – Marilyn Manson
Low – Macauly Culkin
Governor Pu – Arnold Schwarzenegger
Green Fox – Roseanne
Guard 1 – Michael J. Fox
Guard 2 – John Goodman
Naked Guy – Charlie Sheen
Governor Pu’s Wife – Tom Cruise
Officer – Mike Myers
Officer’s daughter – Tom Hanks
Master Bo – Ben Stein
Squatting Tiger, Hidden Poopoo(a bird is flying overhead)
(the bird poops, and falls down on the bald head of an old guy)
(the guy doesn’t know about it because he was smoking some weed in his pipe)
Old Guy: Wow! Lick My Balls is here!
(scene change to an old lady running through a Dance studio)
Mrs. Pa: Lick My Balls is here! Lick My Balls is here! I must set up his room!
Ming (sees Mrs. Pa running past): Lick My Balls? He’s here?
(Lick My Balls walks into the Dance Studio)
Lick My Balls: hello, Ming
Ming: oooh! Lick My Balls, whatever are you doing here? I thought you were training at Wudan Dance Studio!
Lick My Balls: Yes, well, a funny thing happened. While I was riverdancing, I fell into a dark cave. It smelled really bad, so I tried to get out of it with all the dance steps I had! But I could not get out! My master never told me of such a place, nor how to get out of one
Ming: and then?
Lick My Balls: I clapped my heels together with my sparkly red shoes and did a Russian Dance, then I was suddenly here, in this place thingy where you live.
Ming: You could not have come at a worst time. I have to ship some dirty hay to Pecking.
Lick My Balls: Pecking…I want you to do something for me…I want you to take the Red Destiny shoes and give them to Master Tea
(Ming is astonished)
Ming: Why would you ever do that? You deserve the Red Destiny shoes. You and them are one, and such.
Lick My Balls: the Red Destiny shoes have killed too many on my feet, to keep its red color…I cannot use them because I have retired from being a Dancer.
Ming: oh…why don’t you give it to him yourself?
Lick My Balls: I cannot. I have…other business to do
(Lick My Balls puts a shoe box onto the table near them, opening it up)
Lick My Balls: they’re pretty, eh?
Ming: yes. If you can, come to Pecking
Lick My Balls (thinking for a second): ok, I suppose
(next day)
(Ming and Old Guy roll up their wagon to the gates of Pecking, the guards forcing them to stop)
Guard 1: May I see your license and registration, please?
Ming: ok
(Ming give them to Guard 1)
(Guard 2 sees a naked guy running up to him and he whacks him in the face with his nightstick, continuing to beat him down into the dirt)
Guard 1: ok, you’re cleared
(Guard 1 gives back Ming’s things and helps Guard 2 beat down the naked guy)
Guard 2: WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK!?
Naked Guy: Because, I love your sexual massages
Guard 1: nasty
(Guard 2 chucks a rock at the Naked Guy’s head)
(Naked Guy gets a concussion, and bleeds to death)
Guard 1: that’ll teach him…
(fade out)
(fade in, Ming is in Master Tea’s room)
(Ming puts the shoe box with the Red Destiny shoes on the table)
Ming: Lick My Balls presents you with these shoes, for he no longer can have them in his possession
Master Tea: such a greater dancer he is, Lick My Balls, for I cannot accept these shoes he tries to give me, for these shoes belong to him and he looks mighty sexy in them as well
(Ming doesn’t understand what he said)
Ming: Lick My Balls is going through a very hard time now, and you would take much anguish off his shoulders if you accepted it…
Master Tea: I know not what anguish is for I am just Master Tea, but it must be a bad thing so I will accept the Red Destiny shoes shoes and (shouting) PUT IT ON TOP OF THIS NICE TABLE! I HOPE NO ONE STEALS IT!
(Master Tea and Ming stay silent for a while not saying anything)
Master Tea: ….right, I’ll show you around
(Master Tea and Ming walk around until they come back to the room with the Red Destiny shoes in it)
(Fan is right in front of the Red Destiny shoebox, starting at it like a dumb bitch)
Master Tea: hey! Who the hell are you?
Fan: I am Governor Pu’s daughter, Fan
Master Tea: oh. Sorry. uhh…..bye
(Master Tea runs away)
Fan: what is your name?
Ming: my name is-
(Ming all of a sudden gets his by a doughnut)
Ming: ow! Who threw that!!?
(Ming rubs her head, where she got hit by the doughnut)
Ming: my name is Ming
Fan: oooh. Are you a dancer?
Ming: yes
Fan: do you know Lick My Balls?
Ming: yes, I’ll show you his famous Red Destiny shoes if you like
Fan: oh yes, I’d like that very much!
(the scene switches to Ming taking out the Red Destiny shoes)
Ming: its sparkling red color tells everyone its been made 500 years ago, crafted under gifted zookeepers with a special material, possibly made by the God of Special Materials. Sparkle sparkle!
Fan (amazed at the sight of the shoes): Lick My Balls’s Red Destiny shoes…he’s actually worn them?
Ming: ……..yes
Fan: I’m getting married to a man named Pou. Wish I weren’t though
Ming: oh
Fan: I must go, for some reason. I hear my parents calling
(Fan skips away)
(at night, in Fan’s room)
(Green Fox walks in, but you don’t know its Green Fox)
(Green Fox starts to make up Fan’s hair)
Green Fox: I saw you talking with that dancer, Ming. Your mother would not appreciate knowing you were conversing with her
Fan: I’ll talk with whomever I want. I’m tired, leave now or I’ll kick your fat ass
Green Fox: harsh words from a harsh man
Fan: I’m not a man!
(Green Fox leaves)
(fade out)
(fade in)
(Master Tea and Governor Pu are in the room with the Red Destiny shoes)
Master Tea: those are the Red Destiny shoes worn by Lick My Balls!
Governor Pu: wow!
(Governor Pu puts them on and pot gets smashed)
Governor Pu: Whoops
(Master Tea smacks his head)
(fade out)
(fade in, at night, with a ninja running across the courtyard where the Red Destiny shoes are)
(quietly, the ninja comes in through the window, taking the Red Destiny shoes out of it, putting them on)
(the ninja leaves the same way, quietly, but a sparkle from the Red Destiny shoes reflects into the eye of Master Bo)
(Master Bo looks at where the sparkle was and sees the ninja. He starts yelling)
Master Bo: Thief! Thief! He has the Red Destiny shoes!!
Ninja: shit
(the Ninja jumps off the ground, dancing through the air and flying to the top of the house)
Ninja: hyaaa!
(the Ninja runs across the roofs of the buildings, jumping from one to the next)
Ming: where did he go?
(Ming sees something fly with red on its feet)
(Ming chases after the Ninja dancing up the wall)
Ming: halt!
(Ming points to the air and she flies into it, jumping right in front of the ninja)
Ming (holding the Ninja’s shoulder): return the Red Destiny shoes, and you will go unharmed
Ninja: don’t bet on it, bitch
(the Ninja kicks Ming in the shin with one of the Red Destiny shoes, and Ming flies 3 buildings away, whacking into a chimney)
Ming: stop! You won’t get away!
Ninja (yelling): yes I will!
(Ninja starts tap dancing really really fast in place, then in a red streak, zooms past 15 more buildings)
Ming: whoa
(Ming boosts off the chimney, flying in a straight line, tackling Ninja to the ground)
Ninja: ah! You biiitch!
(Ninja jumps out from under Ming)
Ninja: yaaah!
(Ninja jumps into the air, landing on Ming’s forehead and dancing on it)
Ming: aaaaiiyyyeeeeeee!
Ninja: die!
(Ming grabs the Ninja’s legs, and slams her down to the ground)
(the Ninja gets up and runs away, dancing up a wall, trying to get away)
Ming: come back and fight!
(Ming runs to the wall, running up it, chasing after the ninja, along the wall)
Ninja (in a squirrelly voice): You may be quick, but you can’t catch meeee! Heeeeheeheeeheeeheee!
Ming: what! I kill you!
(Ming jumps off, grabbing Ninja around the neck, slamming her into the floor)
(Ninja jumps up, grabbing Ming’s head and slamming it on the floor)
(Ming is unconscious for 2 seconds, but sees Ninja jumping over a building)
Ming (slamming her fist on the ground): dammit!
(next day)
Master Tea: Ming, someone is here to see you
Ming: oh
(Ming looks around and sees Lick My Balls)
Ming: Lick My Balls is here!
(at a table)
Ming: Lick My Balls, the Red Destiny shoes have been stolen
Lick My Balls: really?
Ming: I think I know who it is
Lick My Balls: who?
Ming: Fan, Governor Pu’s daughter
Lick My Balls: oh…
Ming: I’ll take care of it
(fade out)
(fade in)
Ming: thank you for having me, Mrs. Pu
Mrs. Pu: ohohohoh! You’re welcome! I just hope we find the thief soon
Ming: ok
(Ming throws her tea at Fan, but Fan catches it, not spilling a drop)
(Ming gets hit by a doughnut)
Ming: ow! Whoever stole the Red Destiny shoes should put them back, and they won’t get hurt
(at night)
(the Ninja comes back, jumping in the same window, slowly taking off the Red Destiny shoes, and putting them in the box)
Lick My Balls: what are you dong up so late? Shining shoes?
Ninja: shit!
(the Ninja tries to escape, but Lick My Balls grabs the Ninja and throws her down to the floor)
Lick My Balls: who are you?
Ninja: Lick my balls, Lick My Balls!
Lick My Balls: why’d you call my name twice?
Ninja: I didn’t!
(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls in the balls)
Lick My Balls (grabbing his balls): AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!
(Ninja runs away as Lick My Balls goes unconscious)
Ninja: haha I lost him!
Lick My Balls: no you didn’t!
(Lick My Balls runs up and kicks Ninja in the back)
Ninja: aaah!
Lick My Balls: lucky for me, I have no balls!
(Ninja faces Lick My Balls)
Lick My Balls: You dance and fight well. I would like to teach you
Ninja: you’re a fag! No way!
(Lick My Balls gets a stick and whacks Ninja with it)
Ninja: aah!
Lick My Balls: call my name! Say I’m your daddy!
Ninja: never!
(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)
Lick My Balls: say it!
Ninja: Lick My Ass!
Lick My Balls: that’s not it!
(Lick My Balls whacks Ninja with the stick again)
Ninja: go away!
(Ninja jumps up over a wall and disappears)
(fade out)
(fade in)
(Master Bo is looking through a window and sees a guy with metal thingys, and a girl with a knife. He gets an astonished face)
(late at night)
(Master Bo sneaks into the house and looks at a bunch of papers)
Officer: hey! What are you doing?? Stop looking at my porn stories!
(Officer grabs Master Bo, putting a knife to his neck)
Master Bo: no, no! Don’t kill me! I’m a fan!
(next morning)
Officer’s daughter: soup’s ready!
Master Bo: yay!
(Officer’s daughter punches Master Bo)
Officer’s daughter: dad gets first pick!
(all of a sudden a dart flies in, but officer catches it with his spoon)
Officer’s daughter: waz zat??
(Officer unravels the note on the dart)
Officer (reading off the note): meet me by the Port-a-Potties
(Officer crumples up the paper and smiles)
Officer: we’ve got her!
(later, at the Port-a-Potties)
Green Fox: hiyaa!
(they all fight)
Officer: hiyaa! Yaaa!
Master Bo: oooh! Ooh! Ya ya!
Officer’s daughter: whooooo! Whoo! Dodge! Jump!
(Officer tosses one of his Ball Choppers at Green Fox, but Green Fox grabs it, then throws it back at Officer, chopping off his balls)
Officer: my balls!
(Officer dies)
Officer’s daughter: Father! Nooooo!
(Officer’s daughter charges at Green Fox with her Ass Rammer, but misses)
(Ninja comes down, with the Red Destiny shoes on)
Ninja: hiyaa!
(Ninja makes her way over to their fighting, but Lick My Balls flies down in front of her)
Lick My Balls: call me your daddy!
(Lick My Balls whacks her with a stick, again)
Ninja: I’m gonna kick your little bitch ass!
(Lick My Balls and Ninja start having a dancing contest)
(Lick My Balls riverdances)
Lick My Balls: ha! Riverdance!
(Ninja Ninja dances)
Ninja: ha! Ninja dance!
(Lick My Balls tap dances)
Lick My Balls: ha! Tap dance!
(Ninja doesn’t move)
Ninja: ha! Dead Dance!
(Lick My Balls breakdances)
Lick My Balls: ha! Breakdance!
(Ninja square dances)
Ninja: ha! Square dance!
(Lick My Balls waltzes)
Lick My Balls: ha! Waltz!
(Ninja freestyles)
Ninja: ha! Freestyle!
(Lick My Balls tangos)
Lick My Balls: ha! Tango!
(Ninja polkas)
Ninja: ha! Polka!
Lick My Balls: ew!
Ninja: what?
Lick My Balls: ha! Ew Dance!
(Lick My Balls honks Ninja’s nose, then breaks her arm)
Ninja: aaah! My arm!!!!!!
(Ninja Macarenas)
Ninja: I win! I did the Macarena!
Lick My Balls: BITCH!
(Lick My Balls bitchslaps Ninja)
(Ninja bitchslaps back)
(they bitchslap each other over and over)
Ninja: die!
(Ninja kicks Lick My Balls’s head and runs away with Green Fox, waving a streamer behind them)
Green Fox: whee! This isn’t over, Lick My Balls!!
(next day)
(Officer is lying on the ground, in front of Master Tea)
Master Tea: who was this?
Officer’s daughter: he is my father…he was an officer for the police
Master Tea: oh. Bury him. Master Bo, guard officer’s daughter
(Master Tea winks)
Master Bo: ok!
Ming: we can only wait now…
(fade out)
(fade in)
(Green Fox is in Fan’s room)
Fan: you killed a police officer today! What did you think you were doing!!??
Green Fox: I was thinking about killing the police officer
Fan: now, the whole police force will come!
Green Fox: like I give a crap?
Fan: you would!
Green Fox: would what?
Fan: give a crap!
Green Fox: you want me to give you a crap?
Fan: go awayyyyy!!!
(Fan pushes Green Fox out the door)
(later)
(Low sneaks into Fan’s room)
Low (whispering): Fan? Fan?
Fan (jumping out of bed): Low! What are you doing here!?
(Fan runs to Low, hugging him)
Low: I want to take you away from here, to the desert!
Fan: ….
(wavy lines)
Man: this is the drug induces flashback of Fan
(wavy lines stop, and Fan is lying down on a donkey in the middle of the desert)
(a man next to her is walking with his hands)
Girl: the circus is coming! The circus is-
(the man walking on his hands shoots the girl)
Man on his hands: we’re not the circus! We’re the people that have come for your bagel juice!
Girl: oh noooooo! Don’t take our bagel juice away! Anything but that!
(Girl dies)
Man on his hands: ahahahahaha!
Man on pogo stick: oh NO! Its DARK POOP!!!!!
(everyone spreads out)
everyone: Dark Poop! Dark Poop!
Low: Dark Poop! ATTACK!! Don’t hurt the women, children, and gay men!!!
(5 people attack the crowd of 200 men with Fan)
Man on pogo stick: Dark Poop!!!! Get ready!
(in one second, 190 of the men die)
(Low comes over to Fan, taking her panties and smells them)
Low: mmh…smells pretty
Fan: MY PANTIES!!! GIVE THEM BAAAAAACCCK!!!
Low: come and get me!
(Low smacks his donkay’s ass rides away fast)
Fan: Donkey! Hurry!
(Fan slaps the Donkey’s ass)
Donkey: oh yeah! Harder baby, harder!
(Fan smacks it harder, and they speed after Low on his Donkay)
(they chase Low around for 3 weeks)
(they end up by a “river”)
Low: your donkey is thirsty, there is a river near here
(Low looks around)
Low: well, there was a river…
(Low throws a cow stomach full of water at Fan)
Fan: ew, you bastard, you expect me to drink out of this?
(Fan drinks the whole thing)
Fan: sick bastard
(Fan throws the stomach back at him, dropkicking him as soon as Low caught it)
Low: ow!
Fan: give. Panties. Now!
Low: no!
(they chase each other around for another 3 weeks)
(Low and Fan roll down a hill)
(Low and Fan skip back up the hill, holding hands)
Man: Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pale of water-
(Fan takes Low’s bucket slamming it on his hand, tossing him down the hill again)
Man: Jill slammed the bucket on his head, sent him rolling down and Jill came jumping down…on top of Jack….?
(Man shoots himself in the head)
(fade out)
(fade in, at a cave)
(Fan is tied up at the wrists and feet)
Low: careful, if I would have wanted to do it, I’d have done it- which I did!
Fan: ew! You bastard! Where’s my panties?
Low: I ate them
Fan: nooooooooooooooo! MY peanut-butter flavored edible panties! I was gonna eat them for dinner!
Low: aw, poor baby. AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(blah blah blah. Low and Fan have sex 300 times in the cave, and 300 times on the same rock outside)
(wavy lines)
(for some reason, they are in a green Mountain Valley, and Low and Fan are looking at a mountain)
Low: see that mountain over there?
(Low points in the general direction of about a hundred mountains)
Fan: yes
Low: they say that if you jump off it, and make a wish, it will come true, but *you* won’t come back…
Fan: oh
(wavy lines)
(Low and Fan have sex 300 times in a tent)
(wavy lines)
(wavy fade in to present)
Fan: no, I can’t I’m getting married
Low: to who?
Fan: a man named Pou
Low: I kill him!
Fan: no! leave, now! I never want to see you again!
(Low brings out a little baggie)
Low: here’s your edible panties
(Low empties the thrown up panties in Fan’s hand, and leaves)
(crying, Fan eats it)
(fade out)
(fade in, at a parade to Fan’s wedding)
(Ming and Lick My Balls are overlooking the area just in case Green Fox appears)
(since this is really boring, she does, spitting popsicle sticks out of a pipe. Lots and lots)
(Lick My Balls whacks them all out of the air with his stick, but one gets in his nose)
(Everyone dies, count on a sequel)
(end)