There once was a lad, named Mr. Jharraque. He wasn’t always always named this, but he was named it for the greater percentage of his life, to the point where if you were rounding up or down, you would be rounding up and it would be 100%.
Mr. Jharraque was born a man of 300 pounds. When he was born, he was so large, his mother had been assimilated into this man and no longer existed. Mother Jharraque may still live on in Mr. Jharraque, but since he is a freak of nature, its unknown. Once Mr. Jharraque was released from the hospital’s baby ward, he was given a suit and a briefcase by the hospital staff who pooled their own money together to buy the items for him. They wanted him to seem like a professional and find a job in the Commerce District of the Rubunthium Sector of the Januthliyu Bar and Grill Space Station and so that he may stark out on a life on his own.
It wasn’t easy for a three day old who had just naturally taken over his mother’s body like a parasite and eaten her from the inside, but after a tough learning process, he finally got a job at a drug store whose primary funds were to sell fad diet solutions. Mr. Jharraque was not a normal employee of the establishment, but more of a “live model” of how any number of their fad diets may work. They pumped so many different diet supplements into the poor man’s body that he lost 150 pounds in 2 days. He ate nothing but dry chemical powder straight out of the bag with a large wooden spoon, chewing on diet pills non-stop, and ate “energy” gum to burn off whatever extra calories he might have had flying around in his blood after the other chemicals did their worst.
At 150 pounds, and almost no speech skills developed, Mr. Jharraque was depressed. Mostly because of all the different chemicals floating around in his unnatural existence, he began to pine for something better. Something better would not come for Mr. Jharraque, but something worse did. Even though the labels on each of the diet products specifically said to not combine their diet products with other diet solutions, such as exercise, eating right, and the other products on the market, the non-discriminatory treatment of life by the Finhoogle and Nagle Drug Store destroyed Mr. Jharraque’s body and life with no remorse from the higher levels of the corporation, Mr. Jharraque was fired for crying.
“If Mr. Jharraque wants to cry, he can cry on his own time!” Monty Finhoogle slammed his fist on the desk as Ken Nagle laughed at a picture of Mr. Jharraque in one of the promotional pictures they had forced him to be in with many of the different diet products they sold.
“If this fat 150 pound, 7 foot tall slob wants to have his emotions he can have no job!” Monty Finhoogle continued in his tirade. Ken Nagle just kept laughing.
Later, in the backstreet alleyway behind the drug store, a jobless Mr. Jharraque pointed at things and grunted as he drank a lot of beer. He pointed at a box and grunted again… and then a laser shot out of his finger and the cardboard box disappeared! But not only did it disappear, Mr. Jharraque could FEEL the cardboard box be a part of him.
Mr. Jharraque was amazed at what had happened, he stared at his finger as he sat down. He pointed his finger at another cardboard box and that box disappeared to! He now felt what the life of an 8 x 12 inch cardboard box had. Just then, the voice of his mother entered his brain.
“Jerry, you have finally discovered your hidden powers. You have realized what it is like to be two different cardboard boxes with all of their unique experiences of having things being put in and taken out of them. You are my son and I have awakened inside of you. You now have the knowledge of a thousand eons of information and have the power to assimilate all that is around you.”
The Magnificent Mr. Jharraque had finally realized his true potential.
The back office of the Finhoogle and Nagle Drug Store lay quiet as Monty and Ken took a nap from their excessive amount of bellowing and fist-to-table pounding. Mr. Jharraque stepped through the wall like a ghost and watched the two corporate fiends slumber.
Mother Jharraque’s voice emanated again. “These men are responsible for kicking you out on the street, my dear. It is time you taught them a lesson about what it is like to be human. Break their fragile necks and show them that they are weak, worthless scum!”
Mr. Jharraque pointed his hands at Monty Finhoogle as he stepped closer and closer, aiming for his neck. Monty woke up just before his neck became compressed between the large hands.
Monty grabbed his sharp stiletto letter opener and tried to fend off the attacker, but Monty’s soul was soon drained from his body and became a part of Mr. Jharraque. Mr. Jharraque’s eyes began to glow and he picked up the shell of what was once Monty and threw it to the floor.
Ken Nagle had woken up during the assault and began to drink copious amounts of whiskey, knowing his end would soon come as well. Ken threw five shot glasses as the monstrous Mr. Jharraque lumbered his way over to Ken.
“STAY AWAY, YOU MONSTER!” Ken screamed as he backed up against the wall and tried to open the random cabinetry to find more things to throw at Mr. Jharraque. Each of the shot glasses filled with whiskey sunk into Mr. Jharraque and each of the stories of the shot glasses became one with Mr. Jharraque. Like, this one time Harry the Shot Glass was in the dishwasher and had an affair with July the Plastic Bowl. Alfred the Spoon witnessed the foul acts occurring just above and while that was supposed to be a vacation, it was not fun getting all the dirty soap dropped on him from above.
Harry the Shot Glass was sued by his ex-wife, Mildred the Shot Glass and was forced to pay alimony of five molecules of dishwasher detergent every Sunday before seeing the kids. He didn’t see why he had to pay to see his own kids, it’s not like they weren’t crafted in the glass factory from his own superheated sand.
Ken Nagle took a punch in the gut as he was flung across the room and into the door. He busted through the door and as the splintered door pieces flew everywhere around him he began to crawl away, in pain.
Ken yelled to his secretary, Somya Fridaray, “CALL THE POLICE! THIS MANIACAL DIET SUPPLEMENT ADDICT KILLED MONTY AND HE’S GOING TO KILL ME!”
Somya Fridaray stood up and opened her drawer and took out a smoke grenade. She knew it would come in handy one of these days after she found it dropped by one of those ex-military men canoodling through the aisles of the drug store thinking they can just walk around wherever they want.
Somya threw the smoke grenade into the air and it began to fill up the small room with ease. Mr. Jharraque couldn’t see anything anymore! Oh, if he ever found that confounding secretary he was going to assimilate her like those cardboard boxes! She has the wits of a rabid squirrel looking for a large acorn to satiate his thirst for blood, but realizing that acorns were no replacement for blood.
Ken Nagle and Somya Fridaray stumbled into the greeting card aisle outside of the office.
“Oh, it is so horrible, Somya! He stole all of our shot glasses and made me drink all of my whiskey! He would have pounded my face into a fine silicate dust if you hadn’t saved me!” Ken Nagle confided to Somya.
Somya replied, “Do not worry sir, that is what I am here for—-“ and in the next instant a large red aura surrounded Somya and she disappeared! Enveloped into the Magnificent Mr. Jharraque, she was.
Ken Nagle scrambled to his feet as he grabbed greeting cards as a defense weapon against Mr. Jharraque. Each progressively thrown greeting card sunk into his body and all of the corny stupid jokes became part of his vocabulary.
Mr. Jharraque shouted at Ken Nagle, “HAPPY 41ST BIRTHDAY!” and stomped on the ground with such force that made Ken lose his balance and fall to the floor.
“GET WELL SOON!” Mr. Jharraque stomped again and Ken bounced up and down on the floor as he kept crawling away and into the Diaper/Beer aisle.
“Will someone please call the police!!” Ken yelled at the diapers falling on top of him. In a frantic panic, he opened as many beers as he could and tried to drink them all. Sucking down fifteen bottles of beer empowered Ken Nagle to become Super Diet Man, who had the power of making non-lethal things into lethal things, such as diapers!
The diapers in all of the packages flew out and began to encircle Mr. Jharraque. The flying diapers confused him, as he was only 5 days old at this point, and he had never worn a diaper in his life.
“Time to take out the used diapers, Mr. Jharraque!” Super Diet Man announced in a drunken delivery.
“HAPPY GRADUATION!!!” Mr. Jharraque jumped so high he jumped over the wall of flying diapers and grabbed onto the air conditioning duct hanging off of the ceiling. Mr. Jharraque all of a sudden became sick and he fell to the floor and started puking.
Super Diet man stood laughing at Mr. Jharraque, and they became friends.
Moral: Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear – beer before liquor, never been sicker.