retrosublimislushification

retrosublimislushification – n. a law of physics in which air instantly turns into sugary neutral-taste slushy.  It does not pass through the water stage.

The process can only be initiated when a static sign stating “slushy will be ready in 20 minutes” is on an empty slushy machine.  If it has not yet happened, the sign will still read 20 minutes, so you should come back in 20 minutes and check again.  Repeat until it happens, otherwise it doesn’t happen.

 

Special Discount

A blank screen.

Narrator

Kids in the classroom, have more than just class to worry about.

Scene starts out in a classroom, a high school student, JACOBY, is in his English Class. MR. P is teaching a lesson.

Mr. P

Ok, now let’s analyze Mary Had a Little Lamb.

Mr. P goes to the board and writes down the first line of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

Mr. P

Ok, now Mary had a little lamb. What does that symbolize?

Jacoby raises his hand.

Mr. P

Ok, Jacoby, what do you think?

Jacoby

I think it symbolizes that she has a lamb.

Mr. P

WRONG! YOU ARE SO WRONG! WOW, you’re WAY out of the ballpark with that one. Hoohoo…how about someone else?

REGANALD, in the front of the room, raises his hand.

Mr. P

Give it a shot Reganald.

Reganald walks to the front of the room with a piece of paper.

Reganald

It symbolizes the white pureness of the world around Mary and everyone that knows her. Mary herself symbolizes all that is good, because like her lamb’s fleece, she is as white as snow. And snow falls from the heavens above.

Mr. P

Good job!

The bell rings, and everyone leaves, as they’re leaving, the narrator speaks.

Narrator

Jacoby wasn’t what you would say was a “perfect student.” He had a life that you wouldn’t believe were real, from his cute appearance at school. In this day and age, people just get into the wrong things, and the wrong things lead to other wrong things, and those wrong things lead to other wrong things and those go to other wrong things, and pretty much everything they do is wrong by that time. And that’s what happened to Jacoby. What he did to Reganald was one of those wrong things.

CUT TO:

Outside the classroom. Jacoby walks out of the door, and outside Reganald is standing around. Jacoby walks up to Reganald and turns him around to face him.

Jacoby

Hey, fool. You showed me up in there. You’ve disrespected me by doing so. You’ve done this to me over and over, too many times over the years.

 

Reganald

I-I didn’t mean to, honest-

 

Jacoby

If I EVER see you on the streets, well, let’s just say you’d better be running before that. Now get out of my face.

Jacoby shoves Reganald, and Reganald almost falls. Jacoby walks away from Reganald, as Reganald keeps his eyes on him as Jacoby walks away.

Narrator

Jacoby doesn’t like it when people showed him up…it makes Jacoby look weak

CUT TO:

Jacoby walks into his room, and throws his backpack on his bed. The camera focuses in on the flashing light on his answering machine. Jacoby goes over to it and before he presses the button, it freezes and the narrator talks again.

Narrator

Before you hear the message, let me tell you something about Jacoby. He’s a dealer. No, not a card dealer…

It unfreezes and Jacoby replays the message. THOREN, another dealer and friend of Jacoby is on the message.

Thoren

Hey, fool, its Thoren! I gotta talk to you man, it’s not safe over the phone, so come over to where we usually meet. HURRY!

The message ends, and Jacoby walks toward the door of his room, grabbing his keys. And as he goes to the front door of his house…

Jacoby

Bye mom!

 

Mom

Where are you going, hunny? Have you done all your homework? Have you washed your hands?

 

Jacoby

What’s that mom? I can’t hear you!

Jacoby goes through the door, and closes it. Jacoby walks toward his car and gets in. A cool driving sequence toward the park, with music. Jacoby sings along with the music as he drives with the inside shots. In the last of the shots, you see Jacoby’s car drive by, and it pans over to an unknown person watching the car.

CUT TO:

Alley behind the park. The camera follows behind Jacoby as he walks around the corner. Jacoby stops, and he sees Thoren. Thoren is looking at the ground with his hands in his pockets. The camera switches angles to behind Thoren, and you see Jacoby looking at Thoren.

Jacoby

What up?

Thoren gets startled and he looks at Jacoby.

Thoren

Don’t do that to me man! You know how much I hate that! I have to be a lot more cautious now that things have been happening.

Jacoby

Things? What things?

The camera goes back behind Jacoby, and Thoren walks up closer to him, putting his hand on Jacoby’s shoulder and turns him toward the camera.

Thoren

Someone’s been reporting me man. It feels like I’m being followed! The last 3 deals the cops came after me.

CUT TO:

Thoren has a box in his jacket. Someone is walking by, and inconspicuously walks toward Thoren.

Thoren

Hey fool…you want the stuff?

 

Guy

Yeah, give it to me man, I need it. I’m trembling at night without the stuff. It feels like I might go blind! How much you askin’ for?

 

Thoren

Give me 12, special discount.

A police siren rings, and both Thoren and the guy look around and then run away. A crazy scene when they are scattering (music and camera work) following them.

CUT BACK TO:

Thoren and Jacoby talking. Now, in the back you can see someone in the back peeking around…and he does noticeable things, like making noises and stuff, but Thoren and Jacoby can’t see him.

Thoren

I don’t know what to do man. I can’t make any money. I’ve got things to pay for. I saw this crazy game on TV. I gotta buy it! It’s only 44,444.44!

 

Jacoby

Don’t worry. Do you still have the stuff?

 

Thoren

Close to my heart man.

 

Jacoby

Hey, did you hear that?

 

Thoren

No…hey wait a second…!

Thoren and Jacoby look around and see the guy.

Thoren

Hey! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!

 

Weird Guy

Oh crap!

A running scene through the ally and they run through other places, too. Music and camera work, too. After a while, Thoren and Jacoby get tired out, and lose him.

Jacoby

We lost him…I’m tired…we’ll get him later. I got his license plates…

 

Thoren

He doesn’t have any plates, fool

Thoren weakly pushes Jacoby.

Jacoby

Let’s go over to my place. We can watch TV…and do some stuff.

 

Thoren

Now you’re talking, eh heheh!

Jacoby and Thoren start laughing.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren sitting on the couch, watching TV. They do the “stuff” which is actually Cheez-Its and sugar, and special effects are happening and music is playing.

CUT TO:

The TV is on MTV, and a host guy is talking about the next music video with one of the guys in it.

Host

Hahahah that is soooo funny!

Artist

Yes, I know.

 

Host

Well, let’s see their music video.

The music video plays, and goes back to the Host.

Host

That was absolutely the greatest thing I’ve ever EVER seen! And its been number one for 3 years! Its AMAZING!

 

Artist

Yeah, I know.

 

Host

Well, that’s it for Mindless Music on MTB, Dumb Donkeys is next, after these messages!

CUT TO:

Thoren laughing and pointing at the TV.

Thoren

I just love MTB man, they have the greatest shows ever.

 

Jacoby

You said it, brother.

CUT TO:

The TV now has a commercial for KFC Chicken. Jerry Seinfeld is in his kitchen, when Kraemer comes in the door.

Kraemer

HEY JERRY HEY JERRY! HELP ME! GEORGE IS GOING CRAZY!

 

Jerry

Why, whatever could it be?!

George pokes out from underneath Kraemer’s arm.

George

HEY JERRY! HAVE YOU EVER HAD KFC CHICKEN BEFORE? MMMHMMM ITS SO GOOD!

 

Kraemer

Dear GOD, HELP ME JERRY!

Kraemer shakes Jerry by his shoulders, as the logo for KFC comes up.

Announcer

KFC Chicken is brought to you by Seinfeld.

CUT TO:

Jacoby shaking his head very quietly.

Jacoby

Man my stuff’s wearing off…

CUT TO:

Goes back to the TV, and 2 cars are lined up in a row, and they’re both turned on, revving up their engines.

Announcer

Mortal Kombat…you love the blood, you love the game, you love the gore, you love the violence….NOW TAKE IT TO THE RACE TRACK, WITH MORTAL KOMBAT RACING!!!

The cars accelerate, and zoom past the camera. Racing scenes with a lot of music.

Announcer

MORTAL KOMBAT RACING! BUY YOURS TODAY AT ANY TOYS ‘R US, TARGET AND OTHER FINE STORES! Ah who am I kidding, those stores are really bad. ONLY 44,444.44!!

CUT TO:

Jacoby rubbing his chin.

Jacoby

I gotta get that game!

 

Thoren

I told you.

CUT TO:

Goes back to the TV and white letters are across the screen, spelling out DUMB DONKEYS. The first 2 seconds of the Jackass theme song play.

Johnny Nashville

Hi, my name is Johnny Nashville, and this is eating with your mouth open.

Johnny takes a big bite of a sandwich and eats with his mouth open making snapping sounds.

Johnny Nashville

MMMhahaha! Yum!!

CUT TO:

The couch.

Jacoby

Man, I’ve already seen this before. Change the channel.

Thoren changes the channel.

CUT TO:

The TV. One guy is sitting in a chair with a piece of paper. 2nd GUY goes over to the 1st GUY.

2nd Guy

Hey 1st guy. What’re you reading?

 

1st Guy

The script for this movie 1st Guy is going to be in. Its called 1st Guy in 1st Guy’s Adventures.

 

2nd Guy

Did you just refer to yourself in the 3rd person?

 

1st Guy

No, he’s 3rd Person.

3rd PERSON walks over to them.

3rd Person

Hi guys. Whatcha doin?

CUT TO:

Thoren changing the channel again.

Thoren

I don’t understand that, man…

 

Narrator

Meanwhile, Romulus and Damian, the FBI Agents, are plotting a crack down on the so called “Cheez House” of Jacoby’s. What could this mean for Jacoby and Thoren?!

CUT TO:

ROMULUS is sitting at a table with his legs up on the table. He’s reading a book. DAMIAN goes over to him.

Damian

Hey Romulus. Are we supposed to be doing something?

 

Romulus

I’M not…YOU are. You’re supposed to be getting my Freakin’ Chicken Fried Rice from the Chinese Food Palace!

 

Damian

Oh yeah…I’m sorry…

 

Romulus

Don’t worry about it. Go get my food, I’m hungry. Right now, Damian. Don’t make me tell you again.

 

Damian

Ok.

CUT TO:

Damian gets into his car and drives to the Chinese Food Palace. He goes through the drive through. You can see Damian leaning outside of the car window to talk to the DRIVE THROUGH GUY

Damian

Hi. I’d like some chicken fried rice…beef and broccoli…

 

Drive Through Guy

We don’t have any of those here.

 

Damian

….what are you talking about? This is a Chinese food place.

 

Drive Through Guy

It is? Oh yeah…sorry…I used to work at Payless Shoesource, we don’t call anything by name there. Ok, what else do you want?

 

Damian

And then…hey wait a second…haven’t I seen you before?

 

Drive Through Guy

Wait…what are you talking about?

 

Damian

Yeah! I saw you before!

CUT TO:

Damian opening the glove compartment, and getting a wanted poster with the Drive Through Guy’s face on it.

CUT TO:

Damian leaning outside the car window to talk to Drive Through Guy

Damian

You’re the Infamous Bunny Stealer!

 

Drive Through Guy

Uhhhhhhh………………..

 

Drive Through Guy runs away, and Damian gets out of his car and runs after him. He eventually catches him.

 

Drive Through Guy

I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING MAN, LET ME GO OW YOU’RE HURTING MY SPLEEN!

 

Damian

QUIET!

 

Narrator

Yes, Damian is a gooooooood FBI Agent isn’t he?

CUT TO:

Romulus talking to Damian.

Romulus

So, then through all this, did you get ANY food for me?

 

Damian

Ah….no…

 

Romulus

RRRRRRGHHHH!!!! Now I’m mad. I’m going to go beat the pillow…

 

Narrator

Romulus has some anger management problems. Whenever he gets mad, he beats a pillow.

CUT TO:

Thoren, looking at his wrist (there is no watch on it)

Thoren

Hey, isn’t someone supposed to come over to buy some of this stuff soon?

The camera is at an angle that you see Jacoby’s face, kind of faded. And as he talks, you see someone walking by the window toward the door.

Jacoby

Ah…yeah…

The doorbell rings and Jacoby gets up and opens the door for him.

CUT TO:

A shot from far away. Someone (the FBI Agents) are spying on the house. You can see Jacoby looking around the guy at the door, to make sure no one sees them.

CUT TO:

Romulus looking at the house through the car window.

Romulus

Hahaha…got you now…

CUT TO:

Inside of the house. Jacoby lets Daek in, and Daek sits on the couch across from the couch Thoren is sitting on. Daek has sunglasses on.

Daek

Jacoby, Thoren. How’s it going?

 

Jacoby

Pretty good, pretty good…want some?

Jacoby waves his hands down toward the Cheez-Its and Sugar.

Daek

No, thanks anyway. I gotta drive home you know. I don’t wanna fall into a Sugar trip or a Cheese Odyssey while I’m driving on the Freeway. Anyway, down to business. I need 3 kilos of Sugar, and 45 boxes of Cheez-Its by tonight.

 

Thoren

3 KILOS!? 45 BOXES?! That’s enough for a whole country!

 

Daek

Exactly. I recently found out that Mexico doesn’t get Any Cheez-Its, and most of their sugar is really bad.

 

Jacoby

That’s not a lot of time.

 

Daek

If you can’t supply me by then, tell me now, I’ll look for someone else.

Jacoby

We’ll do it. Don’t be thinking we’re amateurs.

Daek nods his head and smiles. He looks over to the TV.

Daek

What are you WATCHING?

CUT TO:

The TV. There’s 2 guys playing Patty Cake.

CUT TO:

Thoren shielding his eyes.

Thoren

AGH! NICK JUNIOR! I will be forever scarred.

Jacoby

Change the channel, fool!

CUT TO:

The TV again. Its on another show. The title displays: DR. DAVE

Dr. Dave

Hi, my name is Dr. Dave, and this is Dr. Dave. This is the show where I listen to your sob stories and tell you stop doing the things you’re doing wrong and if you succeed, I’ll show the story about how you succeeded and if you fail, don’t be expecting a call back.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren look at each other.

Jacoby

I think that’s enough TV for today.

 

Daek

I must be going now.

Daek gets up and leaves.

CUT TO:

Outside shot of Daek coming out of the house. He gives an “OK” sign toward the camera.

CUT TO:

Romulus looking at Damian

Romulus

They took the bait! Now there’ll be agents swarming all around the place in 10 minutes. But I ain’t waiting that long.

Romulus takes out his gun and cocks it.

Damian

Uh, Romulus…shouldn’t we wait for-

 

Romulus

NO! And if anybody asks, they fired on us first, and it went into the air. Let’s go.

Romulus and Damian put ski masks on, and get out of the car.

CUT TO:

Jacoby and Thoren come out of the house.

Thoren

Where are we going to get all of those illegal items in such a short amount of time?

 

Jacoby

I know a guy. His name is Ralph. Over at Ralph’s is where we’ll get it all.

Music starts playing, as a slow motion shot of Jacoby and Thoren start walking toward the car. The shots go back and forth between them walking, and Damian and Romulus behind their car. Romulus is counting on his fingers, and once he says three, they run out from behind the car, with their guns firing toward Jacoby and Thoren. Jacoby and Thoren get into the car quickly, and drive away. Damian stands in the middle of the street stamping his feet on the ground.

Damian

NOOOO! NO NO NO NO!!

 

Romulus (off screen)

Damian! GET IN THE CAR!

Damian gets into the car, and they drive off after them.

CUT TO:

Another residential street. Reganald is there alone in the middle of the street, screaming.

Reganald

I’M GONNA DIE! AHHHH!!!

There’s no cars coming at all.

Reganald

….

Then Jacoby’s car comes out from behind a corner. Since Reganald was in the way, Jacoby stopped the car right at him. Jacoby turns the car off and gets out of the car.

Jacoby

REGANALD! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!

 

Thoren

JACOBY, NOT NOW! THE FBI IS AFTER US!

Jacoby doesn’t listen to Thoren, and Jacoby starts punching Reganald. The FBI agents stop right behind the car and get out.

Romulus

FREEZE!!!

 

Damian

STOP RIGHT THERE!

Thoren gets out of the car and goes next to Jacoby. Reganald is on the floor knocked out, and both Jacoby and Thoren look at Romulus and Damian.

Romulus

Hahaa…running from the FBI…that’s a 3 year minimum. You’re goin away for a loooong time.

 

Damian

Hope you like toss salad!

CUT TO:

Thoren whispering to Jacoby

Thoren

I don’t like toss salad, Jacoby.

 

Jacoby

Don’t worry. We’ll be sitting back home watching mindless programming soon enough. Take their guns away from them….NOW!

Thoren and Jacoby charge Romulus and Damian, and they get into a fist fight. Both of their guns drop onto the floor. After a lot of dramatic fighting, Romulus and Damian prevail and get their guns. Romulus points it at Jacoby.

Romulus

Where you’re going, you’ll be having roasted wieners everyday.

Romulus shoots Jacoby, and Jacoby falls down.

Thoren

Jacobyyyyy!!! Noooo!!!

Romulus and Damian point their guns toward Thoren and shoot Thoren. He falls too. Romulus turns to Damian.

Romulus

Good job. Wanna get some doughnuts?

 

Damian

Sure.

CUT TO:

A focus in on both Jacoby and Thoren’s faces. Emotional music plays, as it fades out.

Narrator

Yes, it’s a very sad thing. Through all they’ve been through and all they’ve shown us, we have one thing to learn from their deaths. If you deal, you gamble with your life. It’s a sad thing too. Thoren never got to play Mortal Kombat Racing, and Jacoby never got to taste the greatness that is KFC Chicken.

CUT TO:

Romulus and Damian sitting outside the doughnut shop on the curb.

Damian

Romulus…I feel bad about what we did.

 

Romulus

Don’t worry about it, we’re FBI Agents.

 

Damian

But still…

 

Romulus

Please, spare me your moral speech, its time to dance!

A song starts playing, and everyone starts dancing, as the credits roll.

FADE OUT.

 

Joke #5225: Calming a Beast

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”