#21227: Malaky -> Toby

malaky: And then I kill you.

Toby: *dies*

malaky: I didn’t kill you yet. Come back to life.

Toby: *cast Life level 3*

Toby: *revived*

malaky: now die.

Toby: *dies*

malaky: Very well, now that you are dead, come back to life and discuss 19th Century politics with me.

Toby: *cast Life level 3*

Toby: *revived*

malaky: The Whig Party: Why couldn’t they elect a president that would live?

Toby: It’s damn near impossible.

Toby: All of our presidents have been Masons.

Toby: Except Kennedy, who was killed for not being a Mason.

malaky: You bring a good point, but what did slavery have to do with it all?

Toby: Masons used to be all about slavery until they finally let African Americans become Masons. Then it was all over.

malaky: The downfall of humanity, you mean?

Toby: I’d say so.

malaky: Then let me ask this: Who made John Travolta a star?

Toby: I would imagine that was not an act of the Masons, but someone sold their soul for that one.

malaky: Wouldn’t that be two souls? The man came close to an Oscar.

Toby: Nah, Oscars are the work of Masons.

malaky: And the Billboard Music Awards?

Toby: Nah, that stuff’s just retarded.

malaky: Then why haven’t the Masons killed Osama Bin Laden yet?

Toby: they’re workin’ on that.

Toby: they gotta get the European Masons more involved.

malaky: Damn them to hell.

malaky: Damn them…….to hell.

Toby: Oh, they’re waiting.

Toby: They’ve got a meeting in hell in 2015

malaky: Really? Hell? I thought they closed down that convention hall after the Nazis tried reforming again.

Toby: Nah, they reformed it.

malaky: Oh. Bummer.

malaky: You a member?

Toby: If I were, I wouldn’t be able to tell you I was unless you were one.

malaky: I see your point.

malaky: Toby, is Tina Fey hot?

Toby: Hello Fellow Mason.

Toby: *does the handshake*

Toby: *whew* I was wondering when you’d say the password.

malaky: I take my time.

Toby: That’s good. So how’s the business?

malaky: corrupt.

Toby: just what we like to hear!

malaky: I’m being prosecuted, so I’m fleeing jurisdiction.

Toby: Where to?

malaky: Now if I told you, wouldn’t that be breaking one of the cardinal rules?

Toby: nope, unless you were going somewhere other than the designated Mason refugee camps.

malaky: Oh. In that case, I am going to one of the designated refugee camps.

malaky: And if people ask, my name is Father Hernotwith and I have been holy my entire life.

Toby: We wouldn’t have it any other way.

malaky: I’ve also considered hiding in a dishwasher.

Toby: Ooh, primo choice. What kind of soap will you be using?

malaky: I haven’t decided yet.

Toby: May I suggest Pine?

malaky: You may.

malaky: But I’m still selling my child for food money.

Toby: those food stamps are worth a lot.

malaky: Is 50 a good price?

Toby: Per stamp, yes.

Toby: I’d shoot for 55, though.

Toby: Just say “you’re breakin my balls here.”

malaky: For good measure, I’d actually break their balls in return right?

Toby: Oh ya, but it was supposed to be a threat.

malaky: In that case, I’m sleeping with your mother’s favorite goat.

malaky: And we’re expecting.

Toby: Shultzy doesn’t understand Masonry.

malaky: You can’t deny my love for the goat forever you know.

malaky: sometimes, when I’m asleep at night, I dream of a new basement. Is this abnormal?

Toby: Not in the least.

malaky: And it has three TVs. What does this symbolize.

Toby: you like TV?

malaky: Actually, I like the refrigerator more.

malaky: Dude, food just appears in that thing.

Toby: Food is SOOOO good!

malaky: One time, I ate so much food that I ate more.

malaky: I’d just like to say that Harry Potter is a hermaphrodite.

Toby: He told me personally.

malaky: Good news should be spread.

Toby: I’ll kill that fucker.

malaky: If you do, pick up Dave Matthews on the way.

malaky: And we’ll hold hands, sit in a circle, and declare how manly we are.

Toby: i hate that fucker.

malaky: I think I love citrus. Is there something wrong with me?

Toby: Citrus is a flavor for all.

 

To Hell With Your Month-Long Holidays!

I hope its not just me, but I find it unbelievably pretentious to name a whole month after a super-specific idea.  It pisses me off every time we hit Black History Month.  Excuse me, I think that month is actually called FEBRUARY.  Sorry if I don’t think your stupid cancer awareness or asian pacific heritage deserves one twelfth of the year to be devoted to your seemingly important cause.

These kinds of holidays should only be allowed to claim one day or at most one week of the year.  There are 365 days.  Pick ONE of those, you greedy assholes.  I hear there’s a bunch of days in August where nothing happens, how about one of those?  Why do I have to hear about your sanctimonious bullshit for a whole god damn month?  We get it.  You want us to learn about you. Wah wah cry me a river.  Why don’t you go do something meaningful with your time rather than parading around saying “OH IT’S CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!”

Shit.  I wasn’t aware of cancer.  But I sure as hell am now considering there’s a whole fucking month named after it.  HOORAY!

Just looking at the list of month long holidays on Wikipedia, I’m astounded half of them exist.  Here’s a current list of stupid bullshit month-long holidays:

American Heart Month • Asian Pacific American Heritage Month • Black History Month • Cancer Control Month • Child Abuse Prevention Month • Confederate History Month • Gay and Lesbian Pride Month • Jewish American Heritage Month • National Breast Cancer Awareness Month • National Disability Employment Awareness Month • National Hispanic Heritage Month • National Nutrition Month • Ramadan • Steelmark Month • Women’s History Month

I’m giving you the big FU to all of it.  I am now founding “I Hate Month-Long Holidays” Year — and it’ll be the whole year long every year until the rest of time.  How do you like that????

It’s also amazing to me that you only care about preventing child abuse one month out of the year, but the rest of the time its a-okay (unless you get caught)!