Squackle Adages

A Squackle Adage follows the following formula:

1) Take a cliche/famous/inspirational/motivational quote.

2) Reverse two words in the phrase, particularly the important subject that is being addressed

3) Create new, hilarious meaning from something old and stale!

Here’s a list of the best ones and some sort of explanation as to what the “new quote” means.  If you’ve got some to add, comment below.

Better to not have it and not need it, than need it and have it.
(Original: Better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.)

Explanation: You’d rather not have things you wouldn’t usually want and actually need to use it.

I am feet on my light.
(Original: I am light on my feet)

Explanation:  I’m just a normal ass person who walks on top of light just like everyone else.

Out of miracles grow difficulties.
(Oiriginal: Out of difficulties grow miracles.)

Explanation: Miracles are hard to compare to after they occur.

Try to be a cloud in someone’s rainbow.
(Original: Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.)

Explanation: Fuck happy people.

Change your world and you change your thoughts.
(Oiriginal: Change your thoughts and you change your world.)

Explanation: You won’t be the same person when the world around you is different.

No act of waste, no matter how small, is ever kind.
(Original: No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.)

Explanation: If you waste something, you’re an asshole.

If lemons give you lemonade, make life.
(Original: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade)

Explanation: If you get lemonade from lemons, impregnate something.

You don’t take 100% of the shots you miss.
(Original: You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.)

Explanation: If you miss you may as well have not done it.

Don’t smile because it happened, cry because it’s over.
(Original: Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.)

Explanation: You should feel bad about the thing you liked not being around anymore.

No gain, no pain.
(Original: No pain, no gain)

Explanation: If I don’t gain, then I don’t get hurt.  Cool.

What doesn’t make you stronger, kills you.
(Original: What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger)

Explanation: Everything kills you.

If you don’t have anything at all to say, don’t say anything nice.
(Original: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.)

Explanation: You’re telling someone to shut up, basically, but in an even more assholish way than the “original” saying.

A doctor a day, keeps the apple away.
(Original: An apple a day, keeps the doctor away.)

Explanation: If you see a doctor everyday then you can refrain from having to eat so many damn apples.

Those who wait come to good things.
(Original: Good things come to those who wait.)

Explanation: If you wait longer you’ll “come” to something better than you had originally waited for.  So just keep waiting forever and never get anything!

Unexpect the expected.
(Original: Expect the unexpected)

Explanation: Forget what usually happens, even though its going to keep happening.

A thought for your penny?
(Original: A penny for your thoughts?)

Explanation: If I tell you something, will you pay me?

It’s going to be not impossible but hard is hard.
(Original: It’s going to be hard but hard is not impossible.)

Explanation: Don’t kid yourself, you’re going to have a hard time doing this shit.

If at average you don’t succeed; you are running about first.
(Original: If at first you don’t succeed; you are running about average.)

Explanation: If you usually don’t succeed, you’re probably doing something else.

Someday in a week, seven days isn’t one of them.
(Original: Seven days in a week, someday isn’t one of them.)

Explanation: One of the days in the week is not considered to be worth seven days.

People often complain about the lack of direction when the lack of time is the real problem.
(Original: People often complain about lack of time when the lack of direction is the real problem.)

Explanation: You might think you’re on the wrong path, but you really just don’t have enough time to do it right.  So half-ass it.

 

Hate Mail #24777

Submitted through the Jingle Bells song submission form.

This form was submitted:  Dec 14 2007 / 07:56:45

name = XxOliviaxX
jinglesong = hey hey hey hey hey hey this site is frickin lame hey hey hey hey hey go play some drinkinking games hey your a loser you so fat la la la la la this site is frickin lame!!!!!!!

 

Bad Submission #24761

Submitted through the Chat submission form.

This form was submitted:  Mar 03 2007 / 15:45:00

name = Deathchooser23
This_is_a(n) = IM
i_am = punk rock chick
chat_room_name = hell if i no
victims = Punk
submission = Im punk rock and lik a varety of music if im mad screw off i am flirty and dont think highly of myself

 

Bad Submission #24759

Submitted through the Joke submission form.

This form was submitted:  Feb 24 2007 / 23:08:34

name = black people can kick any white persons ass because white bitches cant fight
email =
use_email = no
qjoke = i aint got no jokes i jus wanna let u no i wish every white person would die u bitches!!! did yall notice that white girls luv sucking black dick and most hookers and crackheads are white and y dont white people have ases and all whites r anerexic FUCK ALL WHITE BITCHES!!!!!! I COULD BEAT ALL YA ASSES