SECRETARY: “I don’t care much for a man’s company, unless he owns it.”
BOSS: “Watch out for your new secretary. She has a split personality.”
OFFICE BACHELOR: “What do you mean?”
BOSS: “If she finds you have a fat savings account, she’ll try to get you to split it with her.”
BOYFRIEND: “Let’s be true to each other even though we’re going to be away from each other all summer. I promise to go out only with men.”
GIRLFRIEND: “Okay. I promise to do the same.”
OVERHEARD: “I want a man who’s clever enough to make a lot of money, and dumb enough to spend it all on me.”
WIFE: “Wake up! Wake up! There’s a burglar in the kitchen and he’s eating the leftover stew we had for supper.”
HUSBAND: “Go back to sleep and don’t worry, dear. I’ll bury him in the morning.”
JUDGE: “Tell me, Miss, do you promise to take the groom for better or worse?”
BRIDE: “Judge, I promise to take him for everything.”
LADY: “Tell me, if I took out a million dollars worth of life insurance on my husband he died the next day, what would I get?”
Guy: “Would you like to dance?”
Girl: “I don’t care for this song and surely wouldn’t dance with you.”
Guy: “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”
“My brother, the gymnast, stands on his hands all day.”
“Your brother always did do everything backwards.”
MANAGER: “He’d be a great fighter if he didn’t have one bad habit. He blocks punches with his chin.”
“I went to the track yesterday, and only one thing kept me from making a fast buck.”
“What was that?”
“A slow horse!”
MOTHER WACKLY: “Did I tell you my son, Roger, is playing end guard on the college football team this year?”
NEIGHBOR: “End guard? I never heard of an end guard.”
MOTHER WACKLY: “Yes, he told me he sits on the end of the bench and guards the water bucket!”
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (to dumb football player): “Look, Mike, I’ll give you an easy test. Let’s say I take 7 apples from 12 apples. What’s the difference?”
FOOTBALL PLAYER: “That’s what I say, Prof, what’s the difference?”
SPORTSCASTER: “It was a quiet afternoon in the National Football League today. Even though all the teams played, nothing exciting happened. Now, I’ll describe the action:
The Redskins scalped the Cowboys!
The Lions devoured the Saints!
The Vikings butchered the Dolphins!
The Chiefs massacred the Patriots!
The Falcons tore the Cardinals to shreds!
The Broncos trampled the Rams!
The Bears mauled the Buccaneers!
The Giants squashed the Packers!
The Jets shot down the Eagles!
And the Bengals chewed up the Colts!
As I said before, it was a quiet day in the N.F.L.”
BOXER: “I’m sure that I’m going to be lucky and win this fight.”
MANAGER: “How can you say that? You’ve been knocked out twenty-three times in twenty-three fights.”
BOXER: “I know, but I’m going to be lucky this time because I’m carrying a horseshoe in my glove.”