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The Gaytrix: Regayed

(scene opens up with people in a greenhouse punching out their cards in the time clock)

(Larry, one of the security guards is watching everyone punch out)

Gary: Hey Larry

Larry: Hey Gary

Gary: See ya tomorrow Larry

Larry: Okay Gary

(Larry is watching I Love Lucy on one of the TVs in front of him, not paying attention to any of the security camera TVs. Not like it really matters.)

(outside, a fat guy in a tight suit on a moped launches himself into the air, and jumping off the moped, he lands on the floor, making ripples in the floor. The moped crashes into the greenhouse. After a few seconds, a huge, pink heart expands from out of the greenhouse. After it disappears, the greenhouse collapses then blows up.)

(The security guards that weren’t in the greenhouse run to their cars and come out with rocket launchers)

Fat Guy: Oh shit.

(the security guards line up, and kneel down)

(in succession from left to right, each security guard fire rockets, which are actually dildos)

(bulletin time – the fat guy turns around and bends over. All the rockets fly into his huge ass. The fat guy falls over in orgasm.)

(Fat Guy gets up again, but this time the Security Guards bring around their H2s. They blow off the back end and bring out their huge laser cannons that look like penises)

(they all shoot, and in bullet time, the cannon fire goes towards the Fat Guy, with his mouth wide open. He eats all the lasers, but one shoots into his eye)

Fat Guy: Ow! That stings!

(Neo wakes up. In bed with him is a fat guy)

Neo: what the fuck?

Fat Guy: Hi honey…how are you?

Neo: Who the fuck are you?

Fat Guy: don’t you remember? We had gay, loving sex last night starting at 2:00 p.m. until 12:00 a.m. 10 hours!

Neo: I’m not gay!

Fat Guy: oh yes, you are…

Neo: Get the fuck out of here you fat guy

Fat Guy: I thought we were past the weight issue! I don’t appreciate this, Fredrick!

Neo: My name is Neo

Fat Guy: Oh, so now you’re trying to give yourself another name now. I thought we were lovers, but now, I just don’t know you. Good bye forever. Regin will not take this!

Neo: Fine. Good. Get the fuck out.

(later that day)

Morpheus: hello, Neo. I trust you had a good time…::cough::. I heard sucking sounds that could rival the vacuum cleaner, and insertion sounds that would rival a plunger in the stankey toilet -

Neo: ENOUGH! Obviously that guy drugged me or something

Morpheus: Ok, enough of that. It makes me unsettled. Rmember to keep the gay stuff in the Gaytrix and not in the real world. Its what we’re fighting AGAINST remember?

Neo: yeah, I know.

(Its been 6 months after the last movie, so everyone has more hair except for Morpheus)

Morpheus: So…

Neo: What do we do?

Morpheus: hold on…I have to see who’s still alive

(Morpheus walks out)

Neo (waiting): dooby dooby doo…

(Morpheus comes back with a checklist)

Morpheus: ok…Seifer…dead, but alive

Trinity…alive

Tank…alive

Dozer…alive

Annoying Hacker Kid…alive

Link, the new guy…alive

Ok! That’s everyone!

Neo: Goody. So what do we do?

Morpheus: umm…we should probably work on our dance routine.

Neo: ok.

(5 hours later)

Morpheus: ok, good job. Let’s get some sleep and work on our next mission tomorrow

(everyone sleeps)

(Neo is dreaming again. In his dream, Seifer is eating a hamburger. Nothing is happening. He’s just taking bites out of his hamburger and chewing. This goes on for about an hour. Then the scene changes and Neo is a McDonalds employee)

(Neo’s abusive manager, Pap Finn, whom is Huckleberry Finn’s father, comes over and starts yelling at Neo)

Pap Finn: Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you’re better than me?

Neo: No, sir!

Pap Finn: shut the hell up! You’re dead to me! Meet me in the backroom for a cowhiding!

(Pap Finn leaves)

Neo: I don’t want no cowhiding! Comon Jim! Let’s leave this place

Jim: My name isn’t Jim. Its Doug E. Doug

Neo: comonnnn, Jim!

Doug E. Doug: um…ok…

(Neo puts on a hat and puts a corn cob pipe in his mouth. Neo paints Doug E. Doug blue)

Doug E. Doug: why’d you paint me blue?

Neo: so the slave-catchers will think you’re a sick Arab!

Doug E. Doug: Slave-catchers?!?!?

(Neo jumps over the counter and onto a raft that is in the river running through McDonalds)

Neo: Comon, Jim! We don’t have that much time! The slave-catchers are coming!

Doug E. Doug: Why the hell am I doing this? I had such a promising career after I was in Cool Runnings, Operation Dumbo Drop and That Darn Cat!

(scene cuts to a cow bell ringing)

Morpheus: wake up everyone! Time for our next mission! We have to do…something. We’re kind of playing it by ear right now. We don’t know what we’re doing, frankly.

(no one is around Morpheus to hear him)

Morpheus: hey! Get up!

(Morpheus rings the cow bell really hard)

(Seifer opens the door to his room)

Seifer: What the hell? Stop ringing that stupid piece of shit!

Morpheus: Fuck you backstabber.

(Later, everybody is up and sitting in front of Morpheus)

Link: Is this how you usually get up in the morning? Having a cow bell rang at 4 o clock in the morning?

Neo: pretty much

Morpheus: ok, stop talking you gabby girlfriends. We have a mission to do

Seifer: whatever it is, I’m just going to sell you out again. Oops…did I just say that out loud? Darn…

Morpheus: ok, Seifer, take a time out

Seifer: aw man. Not the playpen…

(Seifer gets up and walks into a room)

(as the door closes, the camera zooms in on “playpen room.” Screams are heard.)

Morpheus: okayayayayayayay. Let’s go into the Gaytrix.

Neo: and do what?

Morpheus: um, I’m still not sure. Let’s see the Oracle.

(everyone enters the Gaytrix except Tank, Dozer, and Link)

(Tank sits on the chair in front of all the screens and junk)

Link: heyyy! I wanna sit there!

Tank: Too bad.

Dozer: yeah, too bad.

Link: what am I gonna do then?

Tank: You can baby-sit Seifer

(Link walks into the “playpen room.” It’s a whit eroom with a big playpen in the middle)

(Seifer is wearing a bib, a bonnet and is chewing on a rattle)

Seifer: mama!

Annoying Hacker Kid: I JUST LOVE GONG IN2 DA GAYTRIX1!!111!1 WTF DA NEDLE TAHT GOES IN DA BAK OF UR HAAD FELS LIEK A PENIS GONG IN2 UR AS1!1! LOL

Morpheus: What the fuck did you say? Are you sure you’re not gay? You’re not going to backstab us like that faggot Seifer are you?

Annoying Hacker Kid: OF COURSE NOT11!1! WTF LOL THOUGH I’D LIEK AN ANAL RAPNG ONA OF THES3 DAYS BY NEO1!11!!1! OMG LOL TAHT WUD 2TALY ROK MAH SOKS OF1!1!!!!1 OMG LOL

Morpheus (thinking about whether or not the kid should come): Y’know what….just shut up okay?

Annoying Hacker Kid: ALRIGHT DONT WORY IL B QUEIT!1!!1

(In the Gaytrix, Neo, Trinity, Morpheus and the Annoying Hacker Kid go to see the Immensely Horny Greedy French Guy With A Hot Wife, or just IHGFGWAHW for short)

Morpheus: Hey, you fucker French guy. Give us the Asian you keep locked in a room so we can do something and then get into the Gaytrix and then make it not gay anymore

IHGFGWAHW: bwah bwah bwah French French French. (looks to his wife). Waha ha ha ha French French French.

Hot Wife: My boobs are hard. Fuck me right now.

(The two ghost guys with white dreadlocks have sex with Hot Wife. It becomes apparent through the course of them taking their clothes off that the Hot Wife is actually a man)

Neo: Sick…

(Trinity barfs)

Annoying Hacker Kid: OMG TAHT IS SO COL11!11! OMG TAHTS LIEK A 15 INCHAR RIGHT THEYRE!11!! OMG WTF LOL O WATE UR NOT GONG 2 STIK TAHT IN HER BAZNGER R U??!??? OMG O MAN THIS IS A FMILY FILM WUT R U DONG?!!!? THIS ISNT IN TEH SCRIPT1!!!11!! OMG LOL WH3RE IS DA DIERC2R?!?!??! OMG MAH VIRGIN AYES!!1!!!!1 OMG WTF LOL

(Morpheus pulls out an AK-47 from his ass, and shoots everyone except Neo, Trinity and Annoying Hacker Kid. He then shoots Annoying Hacker Kid in the head.)

Annoying Hacker Kid: TAHT FUKNG HURT1!!!1 OMG Y DID U SHOT M3 IN DA H3AD U STUPID BALD BLAK GUY111111! WTF LOL I WASNT 3VEN SUPOSED 2 DEI THIS WAY1!1!! WTF LOL I WAS SUPOS3D 2 HAEV S3X WIT TEH MAN IN TEH RED DRES BFORA I DEID!11!!1!1 OMG LOL I HAEV DEID1!1!!!!

(Morpheus shoots him some more. Neo takes out two pistols and starts shooting the fuck out of Annoying Hacker Kid. Trinity barfs on Annoying Hacker Kid’s bullet-ridden body)

(Back in the real world, Annoying Hacker Kid looks like he’s having a seizure. He gets a hard on that is poking through his pants. Its only 2 inches long.)

Link: Sick dude. He’s getting a hard on from getting shot.

Tank: I’ll take care of it.

(Tank pulls out a gun and starts shooting Annoying Hacker Kid with a magnum. Dozer picks up a chainsaw and starts chopping parts off of Annoying Hacker Kid)

Annoying Hacker Kid: THIS IS MAZNG!1!11 LOL IMM BNG SHOT IN TWO DIFERENT WORLDS AT TEH SM3 TIEM!!1!!1 OMG LOL IMM NEVER GONG 2 DEI IMM AN ANOYNG HAKAR11!!!1 OMG

(Annoying Hacker Kid finally dies. A split screen appears, and one final shot from both sides are planted in Annoying Hacker Kid’s head. The shooting took all of about 10 minutes. During this time, the Asian that makes keys comes out of the bathroom)

Asian KeyGuy: That was the best gay sex I ever had! Boy this movie is GAY!

Neo: FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASIAN. FUCK THE ASIANS, THEY SHOULD ALL DIE.

(Trinity and Morpheus stare at Neo. This is a movie to bash gay people, not become racist)

Morpheus: OK, I quit. I’m not doing a sequel. Fuck this movie. You guys SAID no racism!

Annoying Hacker Kid: I’m sick of being dead. This movie is ridiculous. I’m going home; I’d better see the paycheck waiting at home for doing this crappy movie.

Neo: Umm…I’m sorry, I got too much into the violence…

Trinity: hey, y’know what? You can’t keep using that as an excuse. You did this last night too. Just because we were having sex, doesn’t mean you have to go into ALL the holes. My ass is for poo coming out ONLY.

The Architect: Hey, you guys can’t stop now! I have to make an appearance in the movie before its over.

Trinity: FUCK OFF. The Architect is GAY, OBVIOUSLY. He’s a stupid faggot that made everyone gay in a gay world full of gay flowers as explained in the first movie.

Andy Wachowski: Ok, everyone shut up. We’ll just end the movie like this. The next movie will be even crappier so that people will hate the movie but we can still make millions off of it.

Neo: Good idea.

Seifer: Fuck that shit. I ain’t coming back for another sequel. I was supposed to die in the first one!

Morpheus: Fuck you backstabber!

(Morpheus shoots Seifer with the pretend AK-47)

Seifer: Fuck dude. Stop shooting me.

(Morpehus starts to shoot everyone. This influences everyone to take out machine guns and shotguns and start blowing the shit out of people. The shooting involves a lot of Matrix stuff, and an original soundtrack, just for the 5 hour fight scene, by Dashboard Confessional. At the end of the 5 hours of shooting, it ends with Annoying Hacker Kid eating Seifer’s leg)

The End

-~-

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