Note: I know its not Christmas, but why wait? =D This is one of the first four Kungy stories I wrote up out of sheer hyperactivity. Hence the goofy dialouge. Its not supposed to be a masterpiece… so screw dat!!!
How Kung-Fu Action Guy Saved Christmas!
This is the story of what happened on Christmas’ Eve, down in the good ol’ town of Little Chinatown. Here in Little Chinadown, Christmas was big. It was something everyone digged. Next to South Town, the Chinatown sat, where not everyone truely was fat.
Mr. Habuki was hanging his wreath. And Ms. Frump was eating her Heath.
Little Yang and Kang, who loved Christmas, were of course, looking forward to their presents on that Christmas day.
And then there’s the Dojo of Little Chinatown… where a “HI-YAAAH!” is heard and a foot suddenly smashes through the wall!!
“Ha ha ha! Oh! That was great! Hohohoh!” Laughed a familiar chinese man. A chinese man we know as JACKIE CHIN! But you don’t call him that. You call him Kung-Fu Action Guy.
Nearby was a cute young girl by the name of Nyoung-Pak-Sui. But her side-kick alias is known as CHICK N’ CHOWMIEN!! Or, as Kungy calls her, CHOW.
“You were supposed to hit the dummy, Kungy.” Chow said to him. Yes, Kungy was trying to hit a dummy hanging from the ceiling. Instead, he hit the wall.
“No worries. I’ll patch that hole up later with my Kung-Fu Quick Drying Cement! Now that our training is done, let’s start hanging everything up for Christmas!” Kungy said as he boarded up the hole with wood.
Chow put up the tree like a good girl should. And then put up the ornaments like everyone would. With a twirl of her beautiful raven black hair, and a personality that made one care.
In other words… SHE’S HOT STUFF! Bodacious bod, nice chest, beautiful all over and red hot! SIZZLIN’! Woot!
“Now that the tree’s all set up, now what, Kungy?” Chow then asked.
“EGG NOG!” Kungy grabbed a carton of Egg Nog and poured some into a glass. “We celebrate with the classic japanese egg nog, little flowah!” Kungy paused… then began drinking out of the carton.
However, not everyone was jolly about ol’ Christmas. On top of a mountain, sitting there dark, looming, glooming, giant… o Hark! There it be, sitting above Chinatown, the headquarters of MASTER ZEN! Evil supreme!
Clad in a red robe and with black hair that stuck out in front, and a little beard that curled and a long nose… long fingernails and beady eyes… he was tapping, rapping, his fingers on the balcony as he looked down on lovely ol’ Little Chinatown.
“I hate Christmas. Christmas sucks. It sucks, hmph!” Master Zen said in a badly dubbed voice like in Street Racer. He walked over to a table where a gigantic sumo named Moogoo Guypan, and a little midget chef with a giant butcher knife named Chop Suey sat… eating Happy Meals that they got from McDonald’s. “What are you imbeciles doing?! You are henchmen, not schoolkids!”
“But we always eat from McDonalds, Zen-san!” Moogoo said as he burped from his burger.
“EXCUSES!” Zen yells, “Excuses, that’s all! Today we plan the great plan of them all. Listen to me now, my right hand men, for they are the words from Master Zen.
Tonight, when everyone’s tucked in the beds, asleep with dreams going on in their heads, we will destroy all that is jolly, and end Chinatown’s little Christmas folly.”
“But why?” the dwarfish Chop Suey asks.
“BECAUSE! I hate Christmas, and Christmas hates me. I hate it so much it makes me pee! We will make them cry, make them hurt, make them fuss! FOR ALL THEIR CHRISTMAS ARE BELONG TO US!” Zen yelled, then ran to his balcony with an evil grin, a grin so evil it could be a sin.
No one quite knew why he hated it so. But it does make you think a lot, although. Maybe his robe was too small or too tight. Or maybe he didn’t curl his beard just right. Whatever the reason, be it robe or beard, he was mad and that surely appeared.
“Tonight we will strike, we will take all that is nice. And we’ll leave them with some dice. No present, no tree, no Christmas is spared. It will pass by like no one cared.” And with that, Zen laughed an evil laugh, and Moogoo just stared, scratching his calf.
Back down in Little Chinatown, Kungy was dancing to some bad music. Actually, it wasn’t Christmas music. He was listening to his theme song… KUNG-FU FIGHTING! Sing it with us!
“EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIIIGH-TIIIING!”
“THOSE KICKS WERE FAST AS LIIIIIGHT-NIIIIING!”
“IN FACT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT FRIGHT-NIIIIING!”
“BUT THEY FOUGHT WITH EXPERT TIIIIM-IIIIING!”
As Kungy danced to the song disco style, Chow went and turned it off. Kungy CONTINUED to dance!! Even when it was in complete silence Kungy still danced. He then grabbed his crotch and did a Michael Jackson impression. “OWWW!”
Just then, there was a thud on the roof!! It made Kungy jump.
“What the?! Hooohhh! Chow! We are being attacked!” Kungy said in a whisper.
Chow reads a book of ‘Crouching Monkey Hidden Dragon’ or whatever it was called. “We are?”
“Yes! It must be our enemies! I will go up and stomp them!”
“Don’t you mean ‘stop?'”
“No, I said STOMP!” Kungy then crept outside, wearing nothing but his black kung-fu pants and chinese shoes and socks, and bare-chested! Ha! Dork. He smells.
He climbed up the ladder and peered over the roof, and he saw a fat, tubby form and a sleigh… with eight reindeer-looking forms! They were all silhouetted against the moon and snow, and the tubby form pulled out a note and began to examine…
Suddenly, Kungy leapt from the ladder and flew at the tubby form with a KUNG-FU ACTION YELL!! “HIIIII-YAH! NOT SO FAST, MOOGOO GUYPAN!”
Kungy clocked the fat form of the man and the man fell from the roof, the note falling from his hand. He hit the ground, very hard, in fact, to have caused the ground beneath to crack. Kungy then landed on ol’ tubbo and said, “You’ve been a bad boy. You’ve got a weird head.”
Chow came running out and realized who it was. “KUNGY! That’s… Santa Claus!”
“Santa?” Kungy then looked down at the man and yes, it was… jolly’ ol loveable St. Nick. “Well, I THOUGHT he seemed thinner.”
Chow picked up the note and realized what it was. “Kungy, this is a list of girls and boys the world over.”
“He must have STOLEN that list!!!”
“Actually, its for deliveries. This is the REAL Santa Claus!”
“Well, that too.”
Chow suddenly began to cry.
“Why you cry?!” Kungy asked, leaping over to Chow. “Dry your eyes! They’re coming out like ice-cycles!”
“Christmas is destroyed! Think of the girls and boys! When they wake up and find out they’re missing their toys.
They’ll wake up with no games, no PS2, the shebang! Nothing in the stockings they so hang. Without an X-Box, a skateboard, a watch, or a doll. Or a new phone to their friends they could call.
The kids, or those poor little dears. Much sadness I see on their face I can fear. What will we do, oh Kungy, oh what? Christmas is gone, oh my gosh, what a rut!”
Then with a grin Kungy stood tall and just said, “No worries, my dear! There is nothing to fear! We will simply save the day! And make all the sadness go away! WE WILL SAVE HALLOWEEN!!!”
Everything came to a silence.
“Um, you mean Christmas.” Chow corrected him.
“That too, my young flowah!” He grabbed St. Nick and chucked him inside then pulled her sidekick in by her hand.
When good ol’ Santa came to through and through, Chow gave him hot cocoa and a reason not to sue. A cast for his arm that she did make, when his arm, when he fell, happened to break. A leg as well, was broken too, and a cast was there, poor Santa, boo-hoo.
“Thanks for your help.” Ol’ Santa said. “Since this is a season to be forgiving I won’t sue your…weird friend.” He said as he looked at Kungy, who just waved at Santa.
“He mistook you for one of his enemies, Santa-san.” Chow explained. “I hope you’re not mad at us.”
“If that is the reason then I don’t mind. So long as he didn’t attack me out of the blind. But Christmas, oh yes, will not come this year. So many kids will be sad, I fear.” Santa said with sadness in his heart. But then Chow had an idea while Kungy had a fart.
“Dear old Santa, if it’s not too much trouble. We wish to burst that little sad bubble.” Chow said, “Since we’re the good guys and not the bad, Christmas will come, so please, be glad! Me and Kungy will take the job, of giving presents to each Sue and Bob. Every Larry, Donny, Louie, and Moe, and a kiss to every single mistletoe. We will take your job, Mr. Santa, be happy! We promise not to make this year too sappy!”
“Plus the best part of it is… FREE EATS!” Kungy said. He wanted some cookies and milk.
“Well…” Santa pondered for a moment, stroking his beard with his good arm, then grinned. “You have a deal.” He then used his magic powers and blessed Kungy and Chow with red suits with cotton!
“I leave the job of saving Christmas to you! Good luck, Kungy, you big rudy-poo!” Santa said with a hint of annoyance.
“No problo, tubbo!” Kungy said as he rushed out the door, Chow in tow, and leapt into the sleigh with the bag of goodies and the list, then into the air, they went!!!
But watching that sleigh as it flew into the air was the evil MASTER ZEN!!!! Watching them through a Viewfinder in his fortress, he then looked to Moogoo Guypan, who was aiming a giant cannon. “FIRE!!!” Zan yelled.
Moogoo cried and dove to the floor and began sobbing and crying like a baby. FOR NO REASON!!!!
Chop Suey took action and leapt into the seat to hit the Fire button.
Guns of all sorts popped out from different panels in Master Zen’s poganda fortress and began blasting at the sleigh and reindeer, which Kungy and Chow were flying in!!! And the big-ass cannon? Not a single shot was fired from THAT one.
“Woaaah!” Kungy said, “Nobody said a war would start here and now.”
“It’s not a war, you silly dude!” Chow said. “It’s Master Zen! He’s shooting! How rude!”
“Will you stop with that rhyming stuff already?” Kungy then asked her. He began steering the sleigh away and down lower to deliver the presents around Little Chinatown. Too bad everyone is a heavy sleeper here!
“Damn it!” Zen cried, “We almost had him! If only Moogoo didn’t cry for no reason, we would have destroyed Christmas!”
Chop Suey watched Kungy and Chow fly by with binoculars and shouted to Zen, “HEY! Santa’s not there! It’s Kung-Fu Action Guy and his sidekick Chick N’ Chowmein!”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!” Zen screamed, grabbing the Binocs from Chop Suey and watching Kungy and Chow from them. “EVEN WORSE THAN SANTA!!! We must DOUBLY stop him now!!! Moogoo! Stop crying and call Wang and Nun-Chuck! And while you are at it, get the Ra-Men ready.”
Within a few magical minutes, the town was all done, but Kungy and Chow still had the whole world to run! As Kungy came out of the very last house, he found a note signed by a familiar louse! Stuck on the sleigh, with words in chinese! Kungy was sure as hell DEFINATELY unpleased!
“Wh…what?!” Kungy looked around and realized that Chow and the reindeer were gone! The toys were also just as unappearant! He looked at the note and began to read.
“Dear Kung-Fu Action Guy… WE HAVE CHOW, THE REINDEER AND TOYS! No more happiness to girls and boys! You want them back? Do you? You dork. Come to Zen, or they die by a fork!! Signed, love and kisses, Master Zen.
THE FIEND!!” Kungy yelled with his fist full of fury, “How dare he now how dare he do! That stupid ol’ nasty ol’ ugly rudy-poo! Zen, I will slap you like a old sick mule! I will challenge you to a big duel!” He then ran off in Zen’s headquarters’ direction. “Damn it, now they got me rhyming.”
Meanwhile, in Zen’s place!
Chow was bound and gagged tight to a chair with a calm look of fright. With a bandanna tied tight over her mouth and her ropes holding her to a…uh… flowf (made that word up for the rhyme)! Zen and his cohorts were laughing with glee as they chained up the reindeer and made them go pee. They put all the toys somewhere here, a hidden place they know dear!
“HAHAHA! Once we get Kung-Fu Action Guy out of the way…” Zen began, “ALL THEIR CHRISTMAS ARE BELONG TO US!”
Nun-Chuck and The Man Known as Wang laughed too. Chop Suey cuts Moogoo’s toe off and he laughs as well (it’ll be replaced later).
Chow then began struggling and letting out muffled speech. Zen pulled down her gag for her to talk. “What?”
“Nothing. Just testing ya.” She awnsered with a smile.
“Oh, okay.” Zen pulls the bandanna back up over Chow’s mouth.
SUDDENLY!! *suspensful music!*
JUST THEN!!! *horrorfying music!*
ALL OF A SUDDEN!! *tensing music!*
OUT OF THE BLUE!!! *surprising music!*
ABRUPTLY!! *love music!*
WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE…!!! *happy gay music!*
A loud “HIII-YAH!!!” was heard, and the door fell open!! Everyone was staring up at the ceiling as KUNG-FU ACTION GUY IS ON THE ROOF!!
Kungy landed through the chimney and coughed up soot and got into his Kung-Fu pose! “SO! You kidnap Chowmien and steal toys and reindeer! You won’t get away with that! Ho ho ho!”
“Ho ho ho THIS!!!” Chop Suey runs at Kungy and swings his big butcher knife at him while Moogoo Guypan leaps at Kungy and executes a BELLY FLOP! E HONDA STYLE!! Kungy then leaps out of the way and Moogoo ends up falling on Chop Suey… which flattens him and renders him unconscious. THen, the floor cracks up beneath Moogoo and he, with Suey, falls through the floor and crashes all the way down into the basement with a CRASH!!!
Nun-Chuck and the Man Known as Wang are up next! Nun-Chuck bows to Kungy and speaks to him in a pleasant voice. “I’m sorry, my son. But…” She then clocks Kungy over the head with a nunchuck and kicks him in the groin! “AI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!” She yells her Xena-yell as she twirls her nunchucks around.
She swings her nunchuck again and suddenly Ben Ser Ship, the magical man of censorship whom of which we do not know, appears!
“No, we won’t be using weapons this time.” Ben Ser Ship said. “Instead of nunchucks, Nun-Chuck will be fighting Kung-Fu Action Guy with a flower. Flowers are much nicer and they don’t hit as hard.” With his words, Ben Ser Ship used his censorship magic to change Nun-Chuck’s nunchucks into flowers and she hits Kungy with them, which spreads petals everywhere!!
“I don’t fight my sisters!” Kungy then said to the nun and picked her up and shoved her onto a bus taking her to Alabama.
“DAMN YOU, KUNG-FU ACTION GUY!!!” Master Zen yelled. “But you can’t beat THE MAN KNOWN AS WANG!!!”
Wang was already kicking Kung-Fu Action Guy’s butt with his piece of string and tossing Kungy like a barbie doll!! It looked like the end of Kungy and Christmas, when suddenly… SAKURA PETALS RAINED FROM THE SKY!
“Oh oh! No! Those petals!” Zen gasped.
Standing a street away down below was a mysterious ninja in the moonlight… who then leapt into the headquarters and brandished his swords.
“It’s…” Kungy began…
“THE DUDE DOWN THE STREET!!!” Zen screamed. He pointed at the ninja to his henchmen, the Ra-Men. “ATTACK!!!”
The Ra-Men tried to attack The Dude Down the Street with their rubber knives but they were all sent flying backwards with a simple STARE!!!
Wang then got distracted and Chow, still bound and gagged, swung the end of the chair’s legs into Wang’s crotch and clocked him over the head with her chair once he was on his knees.
“NO! I won’t be stopped!” Master Zen said. “Christmas will BE DESTROYED!!!” Zen then ran over to his Giant Incenerator and there sat… THE BAG OF TOYS!!
“No! Not the toys!” Kungy yelled. The Dude Down the Street just watched.
“Yes! The toys!” Zen laughed. “I will BURN them all. Christmas is not going to come for anyone anymore. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
All of a sudden, a loud gong was heard… everyone turned to see a large silhouette standing in the moonlight!
“I will not let you destroy Christmas, Master Zen! You have crossed the Naughty line.”
“That voice! That shape! It is!” Zen gasped.
The silhouette leapt from the shadows and it was… SANTA CLAUS!!!
“St. Nick-san?!” Kungy yelled, “But you have a broken arm and broken leg!”
“Not anymore! I used the healing process Mr. Miyugi used in the Karate Kid. Worked pretty good!” Santa said as he turned to Zen, “I’ve already found out who’s naughty and nice, and you have been naughty this year, Zen! Don’t mess with the S!”
“I’d like to see you try, Santa!” Zen said, getting into his kung-fu stance.
Santa got into a kung-fu stance as well, then BOTH Zen and Santa began fighting each other with a wild assortment of kung-fu kicks and punches!! Kung-fu yells and shouts rang through the headquarters! Santa unleashed a kung-fu kick while Zen dodge and tried a judo chop! Santa leapt away in a flip and then began using jump kicks and flyin’ fists while Zen dodged and used palm strikes! But in the end, Santa overpowered Zen in moments with a fierce karate chop!!!
“Zen never loses!” Zen got up and ran toward the door. “I WILL BE BACK!” as he opened the exit, he was pounced on by the COPS Cops, who began to beat the crap out of him senselessly, as they does all the perpatrators, “Bad Boys” playing in the background!
Kungy untied Chow from her bindings and freed the reindeer. “It looks like we saved Christmas after all!” Kungy said. “But how does Santa know kung-fu?”
“Let’s just say a little bird told me.” Santa said.
Everyone began laughing.
“I don’t get it.” Kungy said. he then saw the Dude Down the Street leave. “Hey, I wonder who that ninja dude REALLY is?”
“No time to wonder now, Kungy-san!” Chow said, “We’ve got very little time! Christmas’ eve is almost over… we’re too late.”
“Not so!” Santa said! “You all should know Kris Kringle is faster than the speed of sandwiches. I will take over from here, and I bid you farewell! Thank you for keeping Christmas safe! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!” As Santa flew back up the chimney… the sleigh, reindeer, and the toys disappeared… as well as all of Zen’s men and right-hand men!
Well, let’s just say that they are now presents to the Chinatown Police.
Kungy and Chow headed home. By the time they got home, it was Christmas morning! No sleep! But when they got inside, what they found was a treat! A spectacular display of Christmas gifts!
Chow and Kungy had got what they wanted! A cookbook for cooking, her favorite pasttime, and for Kungy, well…
…he got a lump of coal.
“Cool! I got COAL!” Kungy said.
Chow just stared at him… “What? You actually asked for coal?”
“Yeah. Don’t you know?” Kungy opened his closet and tons of lumps of coal fall out. “I’ve been collecting it for years! I LOVE Coal.”
“Uh, yeah, okay.”
“I’ve learned a valuable lesson from all of this, Chow.”
“What’s that, Kungy-san?”
“If the sweatsock fits, wear it!!” Kungy then said, and he began laughing like as if the whole thing made sense. Chow just stared at him and then looked to the readers of this fanfic.
“…I sometimes wonder if I’m hanging around with the right hero.” Chow said.