- USA: Bush Spends 87 Billion Dollars, Saying Its Necessary
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This is supposed to be like a parody kind of thing, of an actual news story, so its supposed to be taken as if this actually happened, but it didn’t.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On September 10, 2003, Bush held a press conference saying how important it is to spend 87 billion dollars, increasing the deficit from 475 billion to 525 billion (I don’t see how that adds up to 87 billion).
Suspiciously, Bush showed up to the press conference with new, assorted jewelry, and about 50 tons of silver trailing behind him. When asked how we are going to pay for the recent increase in the ever-growing deficit, Bush replied with saying that paying back the money is an “absurd notion.” Bush also said that “spending money that we don’t have is fun,” implying that Bush will do nothing to actually decrease the deficit spending.
After the press conference, public opinion was against the new 87 billion dollars needed, as polled by MSNBC. The poll results indicated that 24% were for, 25% were against and 51% were undecided.
“Its just crazy, I tell you! That stupid fucking Bush. The only thing he’s good for is taking a piss behind. But even then you have to watch out for the lizards that’ll jump out and bite penises off!” screamed a local grocery store bag boy. He continued to scream obscenties, that would not be ethical to write down on paper for children’s virgin eyes to see.
“I think that it’ll help out in the fight against terrorism,” said Joan, a soccer mom. “It always creeps me out when I see one of those guys with the long beards or the turbans or one of those things that makes them scream ‘I’m Middle Eastern’ to everyone without having to actually hear them say it. They’re just askin’ for it. Allah Ackbar to you, Mr. Middle Eastern! Let’s see how you like it when I drive my fucking minivan into your fucking house in the middle of the night, and unleash the terror that is a soccer team in a minivan after a 2 hour game without any Capri-Suns!”
“My mom will kick your ass! She wears the pants in the family!” screamed an annoying little 5 year old as I walked away. I flicked him off, and unfortunately his mom saw, and she took a crowbar to my head that she pulled out of her ass. That woman has a huge ass. I am lucky to be alive today, writing this article.
“Bush is going to keep asking for more and more money. You know what he’s REALLY spending it on? Tank tracks. That’s what it is. Its so obviously tank tracks, because they’re like 3 million dollars a piece, y’know? And because they’re in the soft sandy desert, the tank tracks get really worn out. I’ll tell you what he’s NOT spending it on though. Himself. Who cares if he has 87 billion dollars of new assorted jewelry he got a couple of days after he asked for more money? Its the tank tracks that do it,” said a local everyday, in-the-norm jeweler.
“Y’know what I’d do with that money? Buy France. Stupid France is always fucking us in the face. IN THE FACE. I mean France is really worth like 5 dollars? I mean, after the Napoleonic era, there wasn’t much to look forward to when it came to France. They’re fucking chocolate makers for crying out loud! Well…that’s what the white house said in one of their press conferences. It tickled my belly,” said a drunken farmer named Ted. “Scooby Doo is a good movie, no matter what you fucks say!” screamed Ted as he was hit by a semi truck.
This reporter once thought that we were getting only one Bush, but it ends up that we’re actually getting one in the bush and 2 in the tush, when it comes to the money question.Squackle was down from May 30th to September 18th.
Original article about public opinion
Original article about Bush talking about spending money.