“Oh boy oh boy!” Percy was excited. Today he would be deemed Burger Castle’s Mascot of the month! He glued a wood block to each bare foot and clomped out the door. Since he was payed less than minimum wage, he couldn’t afford shoes. Or a house for that matter. He just lived by a trash can in an alley way near a place called Elm Street.
It wasn’t the award he was excited about. He’s seen it before. You can’t pawn it off for more than 20 cents. But the big thing was the 300% raise you get when you become mascot of the month. That was an increase of 5 dollars! Almost 5 anyway…but that’s not the point. With that kind of money, he could rent some space in a sewer out, without a bathroom.
But that’s besides the point. He knew he had been doing a good job. He did have a Masters Degree in being a mascot. All those ballet classes take a lot out of you…
He hid behind a parked car waiting to find a car he could ride on to Burger Castle. It was pretty hard since it was New York, and pretty much everyone that saw him on their car, punched him off and drove off.
Just then, a blue Cadillac appeared and Percy jumped on top of it. He almost slipped off but grabbed onto the bumper. Luckily the trunk was open, so he got in.
When he saw he was near Burger Castle through the keyhole, he jumped out of the car. Luckily, they weren’t on the freeway, like a few times before.
He clomped down Castle Street toward Burger Castle. When he got there, a baseball hit him in the head. That wasn’t enough to knock down the month’s best mascot! But 253 other baseballs shot at the same time, was. It was a trap! I knew it all the time, of course.
Percy went into a dream…and it was something like this:
“All ABOARD!” said the post office man as he got onto a giant giraffe. “oh no! I’m gonna miss my plane!” said Percy. Percy had a very important meeting with the Scottish Windbag Company about the next shipment of kazoos.
Kazoos were vital to people with the rare disease, “Iwantakazoonowium.” Kazoos were made in China then sent to Denmark for testing and then sent to Scotland. Really nice kazoos came from Japan. Those were sparkly.
Percy hopped onto the girraffe after giving the post man a paper towel, which was the ticket, that had: I am a very important antelope” written on it.
After a couple minutes, the giraffe lifted off the ground and flew into the sky. They kept climbing until they got to Scotland. In this world, Scotland was 500 miles off the ground, floating in the air.
The highest country in the world is Jamaica, since everyone smokes pot there, but that’s besides the point…
When he got off the giraffe, he saluted to the post office man and called for a taxi. Taxies in Scotland are actually anteaters, they clean the streets. Percy hopped on one of them and trudged down to the Scotland Windbag Company’s main building.
They made all type of things at the Scotland Windbag Company, but their most popular products were Whuppi Cushions, kazoos, and Wind Chimes that burp.
When he got off the anteater, he ran down to the building and rang the doorbell. “Who is it!??” the intercom said. “Its me! Percy, from the United Iwantakazoonowium getter-ridders!” The intercom replied, “Oi! We’ve been expectin’ ya, laddy, come right een!” The door opened, but instead of walking into a floor, he slid down on a big slide into a dungeon!
It was a trap! But I knew it all along, of course, of course. “NOOOOOOO” Percy yelled. Percy yelled and yelled and yelled until his lungs blew up! Not because of the fact that he was in a dungeon, but because of the fact theres a big fat guy in leather and a mask on his head, with a whip, walking around a guy that was tied up with nothing but one leather strap! All of a sudden he felt a slap across his face, and he woke up from his terrible nightmare.
You may think Percy was all good now, but you shoulda seen the first person he saw when he looked up! It was Joan Rivers! THAT HORRIBLE BITCH! That did it for Percy, he got knocked out again…
(see what happens in Sniper Problems…)