We recorded a “Year-End Review” Squacklecast towards the end of 2014. Then things happened and I didn’t have a chance to post it! So now you can listen to something we recorded two weeks ago! How cool is that?
We talk about what was good about 2014, I think. We also talk about the Sony hacks a little bit, The Interview, Phase 2 of the Marvel movies, The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies, and some other stuff.
We also rank all of the Hobbit movies and the Lord of the Rings movies. We also talk about Star Trek.
Sorry it was so late and I don’t even have pictures cause I was so lazy!
Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles is the host of the Squacklecast this week! Well, not really, but we did just eat there before we recorded the podcast. We would have went to MoLAA (Museum of Los Angeles Assholes) but we had a podcast to record!
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I hate Instagr.am — it does NUTH HING. Our shitty phones have all the shitty effects Instagram applies to your shitty pictures already.
The Strange Saga of Hiroshi the Freeloading Sex Machine is a “pink erotica” film from Japan full of medium-core sex, cucumbers shoved in asses, public nudity, lesbian sex in a graveyard, and people jerking it on top of fire escape ladders.
I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens. It’s a tad on the long side (three days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body.
Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it’s a movie that makes you think about the issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?
I say this because it’s a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like ”Flagodirt” or ”Grempkin.” So today, as a service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following:
SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II
(Scene 1)
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney’s in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.
(Scene 2:)
LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions — Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf — in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I’m just reading the script.
GIMLI: Well, I’m really short!
(Laughter)
LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It’s time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
(Scene 3:)
MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!
PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!
TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! (Scene 4)
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5)
FRODO: How come, if I’m the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I’m stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
GOLLUM: Maybe it’s because your big hairy feet make you look like you’re wearing a pair of dead weasels.
(Scene 6)
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba’Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!
LEGOLAS: Now you’re just making stuff up.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, it’s not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.
GIMLI: I’m still short!
(Laughter)
(Scene 7)
FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?
SAMWISE: That ”Weasel Feet” would be a good name for a rock band?
FRODO: Yes, as would ”Kung Fu Trees” and ”Combat Alfalfa.” But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be…
The other year in Aussie Rugby it was Sydney Tigers vs the Cowboys. John Hopoate in the Sydney Tigers tackles one of the footballers in the Cowboys and sticks his fingers right up his date! 😀 And it was caught LIVE on TV :cheesy: 😀 :cheesy:!!! And also made the papers too, front cover big picture of Hopoate with his fingers right up that poor bloke’s date! Hopoate has been known for datefingering other footballers before, and as a result of this incident got 12 months suspension hehehe :grin:!!! Hopoate is now known as either ‘brown fingers’ or ‘date fingers’!
Anyhow here’s a bunch of Hopoate jokes that are from a google group, these ain’t mine:
Shame about being sacked, Hopoate could have rectum.
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As much as things change they stay the same: Hopoate was in the shit, then he was caught, and now he’s still in the shit.
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If the police get involved, Hopoate could end up in the pokey.
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Now that he’s out of the game, Hopoate is desperate and dateless.
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Now that he has been sacked, it is rumoured that Hopoate is about to follow Mundine ringside.
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John Hopoate has been nominated for an Oscar for his lead role in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Finger”.
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Anagram of Hopoate: Poo Hate!
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Rugby league may be a Stone Age game, but it was first to enter the digital age.
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John Hopoate has changed his name. He is now known as John Hand-to-party.
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Hopoate has changed his name to Stop-a-farte.
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Q: Which finger did he use?
A: His ring finger.
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Q: How do the judiciary decide on this punishment?
A: Is there a ‘rule of thumb’?
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What’s the problem? He was only keeping up to date with his opponents.
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Did you hear, with Hopoate the Tigers have gone digital?
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The coach claimed the charge was a bum rap! Hopoate’s actions were merely a niggle!
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Headline: Police Wash Hands of Hopoate Antics!
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Let’s hope he doesn’t bite his fingernails.
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A view from a fan: this leaves a foul taste in my mouth.
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Hopoate’s defense: it was only a brown eye gouge.
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Hopoate’s defense: they were giving me cheek.
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Hopoate’s defense: Honest, he was just lying prostate on the ground.
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Hopoate’s defense: I saw an opening and went for it.
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Hopoate’s defense: The coach told me to penetrate their defenses.
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Hopoate’s defense: Its just the old one hand tackle.
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He must be getting married. I heard Hopoate was checking out some rings on Saturday night.
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Hopoate: the human thermometer.
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Q: What’s John Hopoate’s favourite biscuits?
A: Chocolate fingers.
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Q: What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a north Queensland cowboy?
A: You can stick 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
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Q: What’s Hoppa’s favourite cake?
A: A Finger Bun.
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“I think the criticism levelled at Hoppa is totally unfounded, he is being fingered for a crime he did not commit”. Coach Lamb.
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I heard that Hoppa has a segment on the footy show called Hoppa’s Up-date
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What’s the bet Terry Lamb will tell him to pull his finger out
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John Hopoate: Public Enema Number 1
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Headline: Hoppa “piles” on the tries.
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“Players don’t report cases like Hopoate’s because they’d be the butt of all jokes” – Roy Masters (former West’s Coach)
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Is the whole thing a three-ring circus?
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A chance for Channel 9’s The Footy Show to make something of its “player probe”?
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Hopoate to have a cameo role in the digitally enhanced versions of The Lord Of The Rings and Finger of Guilt.
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How come Field and McGuinness got six months for cocaine but Hopoate only got 12 weeks for crack?
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Do The Hopoate
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You put your left thumb in
You pull your left thumb out
You put your left thumb in
And you shake it all about
You do the Hopoate and you turn the game around
And that’s what it’s all about.
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The John Hopoate Virus: your computer will insert random digits – often where they are quite unwanted
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Perhaps something good will come out of Hopoate’s poking about.
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Did you hear the league is going to crack down on Hopoate.
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Q: What did the other player sing when John Hopoate stuck his finger up his bum?
A: “Baby you are the one you really turn me on you can stick your finger up my hole again”
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Q: What is John Hopoate’s biscuit?
A: Shrewsbury, because of the hole in the middle.
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Q: What does Hopoate like doing at a game?
A: Picking player of the match.
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Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony.
Stuck a finger up his arse
and said “I am John Hopoate”
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John Hopoate is the butt of everybody’s jokes.
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After John Hopoate was suspended Manly offered him a job at the clubhouse. He was to go around the bar pushing in stools.
