The Man’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.

2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room

3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.

4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.

5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.

6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.

** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.

7) Wash hands.

8 ) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.

9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.

10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.

11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long.”

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A Women’s Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:

1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it’s always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.

2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.

3) Mutter “Slut” under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get it.

4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.

5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.

6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!

7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.

8 ) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!

9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can’t move, or you’ll get germs!

10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!

11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!

12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.

13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.

14) Flush.

15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.

16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.

17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.

18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!

19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.

20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.

21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that bitch who took your stall.

22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!

23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.

24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.

25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!

26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.

27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall scoffs at you.

28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast … You were really quick this time!