Squacklecast Episode 22 – “U Is My Luv”

This entry is part 22 of 31 in the series The Squacklecast

On this special Valentine’s Day episode of the Squacklecast, we take a hard look at what makes Valentine’s Day tick in our personal lives.  A hate for Candy Hearts and no luck with girls doesn’t prevent us from giving you, our listeners, the very best in dating advice that one can offer when they have absolutely no success or experience in dating.

gross

gross

We talk about what sort of pictures you may encounter or want to have on your dating profile, and what sorts of things an unsuccessful profile (dave’s) has.  We also talk about what things NOT to say when you are “flirting” with a potential match.

Taking pictures at the DMV is also covered.

DMV

DMV

A couple of crazy work stories are also mentioned.  Some random customer wanted to “track down” Kevin Smith, the director, and call him on the phone or something to get him to do something.

Kevin Smith’s movie Tusk is discussed a little bit.  And we talk about Mike Tyson as an actor, as well as a little bit about the movie Enemy with Jake Gyllenhaal.

We take a Buzzfeed quest for some god-awful reason.  Candy Corn vs. Candy Hearts debate.  Candy Corn tastes like “not even a good eraser” and Candy Hearts are just compacted chalk.

There is also a “poo physics” lesson.  More Transformers/Michael Bay confusion.

 

Squackle Dating Tape #1

Hi there guys and gals! Are you lookin for a special someone to share your long lasting stupid life with? Are you so ugly that your mom legally disowned you? Well, here at Squackle Dating, we bring it tapes from around the world from losers just like you! Tape #1 includes the following people:

Jimiscokfick Mycomnisory

Eim Alloser

Albert Gore

Bill Hardman

Slutty Bojangles

The tape rolls on as there’s a guy with a mustache and a hole bunch of hair all over his body. His arm pit hair is amazingly straight. He has no shirt on and he’s smokin a cigarette. He looks like he hasn’t bathed in weeks and there’s flies buzzing around him.

“Hi, i’m Jimiscokfick. Do any ladies (or men) want to touch this sexy hairy body? I have amazingly straight hair” He flashes his armpit hair. “because of my multi-million dollar selling object: The armpit hair straightner! Yes I am rich! Did i mention i was rich? I’m very rich…VERY…Call me at 1-800-jimiscok to date this hairy hair man”

The next video plays:

A lady is sitting on a coach with her head tilted to the left and drool is dripping from her mouth and her eyes are rolling back. Her hair is messed up, her face is very white, she looks like a zombie.

“…” Drool continues to drip…Drip…drip…drip…drip……..drip…..drip…..drip…drip…

An announcer comes on: “To date Eim Aloser, call 1-800-LOSER”

The next video plays:

Albert Gore is sitting still on the coach like a board with his hair combed back, with no expression on his face. He looks all purty and nice…

“Hi there fellow citizens. I am looking for a lifetime mate to accompany me in sexual intercourse. We will ‘Get it on’ and also ‘Do the nasty’ throughout the nighttime hours. If anyone fellow citizen is interested, please call…”

The video is cut off as the next video plays:

Bill Hardman is sitting in a XXX rated leather suit with a rubber wang sticking out of the front part of his pants. He’s got his hair combedback and a smile on his face.

“hey there sexxaaaayyyy ladies. Wanna date this hoooot man for the riiiide of chor life? We can do it allllll niiight looonng with my 9 incher!”

Suddenly a women is heard yellin in the background.

“HONEY! WHO ARE YA TALKIN TOO?”

Bill looks nervous. “No one…just mahself….”

“WELL COME TO BED. IF IT DOESN’T COME UP THIS TIME WE ARE GOING TO HALF TO USE VIAGRA. ALSO I BOUGHT YOU THAT PENIS PUMP YOU WANTED. IT’S GUARRENTEED TO WORK, YOUR SIZE PENIS CAN BE DOUBLED AND EVEN TRIPPLED! THAT MEANS A WHOLE 4 INCHES!”

Bill sighs as he turns off the camera.

The next video plays:

A girl is standing with a tight skank-like shirt, and a short SHORT dress. She has too much makeup, and a used condom is right next to her on the couch along with bras and stuff in the background.

“Hey yall…I’m Slutty…Slutty Bojangles. I want some men to marry me. NOW! My boyfriend was cheatin on me and i want to make his ass jealous! CALL ME NOW!”

A man can be heard.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMEN! I’M TRYING TO FUCK YOUR SISTER!”

Slutty gets out a gun from behind the couch and walks off screen. A few minutes later a gun shot can be heard. She walks back on screen.

“Ok yall…i’m avaliable…i promise to be loyal!”

The camera turns off.