(Outside One Government Center, Downtown Toledo. Monday, 10 A. M., June 9th.)
(Mayor Jack Ford walks up to One Gov’t Center. Ugly Little Harvey sits outside:
Ugly Little Harvey: Mistah Mayah?
Mayor Jack Ford: Yes, little dude, what is it?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, I have a question.
Mayor Jack Ford: Go for it, big fella.
Ugly Little Harvey: Ok… um… big fella?
Mayor Jack Ford: Yep.
Ugly Little Harvey: But… you said I was a little dude!
Mayor Jack Ford: You sure are!
Ugly Little Harvey: Yeah, ok. Anyways, I was wondering what the true meaning of Flag Day was?
Mayor Jack Ford: Of what?
Ugly Little Harvey: Flag Day.
Mayor Jack Ford: Hmm. (Pauses.) When is that?
Ugly Little Harvey: It’s this Saturday. June 14th.
Mayor Jack Ford: Isn’t that Bastille Day?
Ugly Little Harvey: No, that’s July 14th.
Mayor Jack Ford: Huh. (Walks in.)
Ugly Little Harvey: Stupid new mayor. At least Carty would have indulged me with a nonsensical explanation.
(10:30 A. M. Ugly Little Harvey walks down Madison Ave and by an alley.
Voice: Psst. Kid.
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, who is it?
Voice: You have come to find the true meaning of Flag Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, yes…
Voice: Come into the alley.
(Ugly Little Harvey timidly walks in.)
Fragrant Drifter: Kid, you have come in search for the meaning of Flag Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Oh yes! I want to know what it means.
Fragrant Drifter: Then tell me this… can you guess what cologne I’m wearing?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. gosh mistah, I really don’t know.
Fragrant Drifter: Did you say “Tommy?”
Ugly Little Harvey: Um.. sure. That’s what I said.
Fragrant Drifter: Nope. It’s “About Eighty Car Fresheners” by Mr. Goodwrench.
Ugly Little Harvey: Ok, what does this have to do with Flag Day?
Fragrant Drifter: What’d you call me?
Ugly Little Harvey: Um, nothing?
Fragrant Drifter: That’s right nothing. Now, about Arbor Day
Ugly Little Harvey: NO! Flag Day!
Fragrant Drifter: Ah yes. I was told about this day as a kid. Frankly I think people have lost their way when it comes to this fine holiday.
Ugly Little Harvey: But mistah, what does it all mean?
Fragrant Drifter: Well, many people remember Flag Day as the day I lost my arms.
Ugly Little Harvey: But… mistah, your arms are right there.
Fragrant Drifter: That’s right. And I found them on Columbus Day.
Ugly Little Harvey: Observed?
Fragrant Drifter: Yeah, not only did I observe them, I picked them up and sewed them on myself.
Ugly Little Harvey: No, I meant Columbus Day.
Fragrant Drifter: What’s Columbus Day?
Ugly Little Harvey: You have the memory of John Madden. I’m leaving.
Fragrant Drifter: Ok, bring back some more car fresheners. And close the door! You’ll let all the heat out of my foyer!
(Year 2093. Ugly Little Harvey is now an ugly old man, reminiscing on his past experiences with Flag Day.)
Ugly Little Harvey: BAH! What a fake holiday. Flag Day is too commercial these days. Ruined by Hallmark and Scary Movie 8. Flag Day brings up too many painful memories, just like Haley Joel Osment’s shooting spree or the Olsen’ twins eight marriages. I never trust holidays again. Especially not this one. The only one I enjoy is Bastille Day. Too bad France isn’t around anymore. They replaced it with a big Wal-Mart. I worked there once. In fact, I still work there, at the door. Good selection of berets. Well, my mailman, George W. Bush IV is here with my erotic literature.
(Ugly Little Harvey falls over, along with curtain.)