America’s Least Wanted Episode 2

Billy Washer: Today on America’s Least Wanted we hunt America’s least wanted as we do on every show. Since we’re not hunting down anyone today, we’re going to send Sam Jam the Cop out onto the streets of LA to find something.

9:00 P.M.

Sam Jam the Cop: I’ve been working here in LA for 4 years. Throughout my experience I handled all types of alcoholics, addicts and druggies. It’s a tough town.

Dispatch on radio: We’ve got a drunk at the tavern. Armed with a handgun. Unit alpha tango six, please respond.

Sam Jam the Cop: I got it dispatch.

Sam Jam the Cop: We’ve got a drunk at a tavern who appears to have a gun. He had a couple of beers and went berserk. We’re heading there now.

(Sam Jam the Cop enters the scene to see Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar holding a gun aimed at davepoobond, who is the bartender at the bar)

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar: I want more or else I’ll kill you!

davepoobond: Calm down sir, you had too many!

Sam Jam the Cop (talking to Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar): Sir, put the gun down. Please calm down!

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar: I am calmed down!

Sam Jam the Cop: Sir, put the gun down.

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar: Shut up!

(Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar then points the gun at Sam Jam the Cop, Sam Jam the Cop gets his gun out, but Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar then faints because of the beers)

Sam Jam the Cop: Heh, he fainted from the overdose of beers. We’re going to have to take him to the hospital.

(Sam Jam the Cop cuffs Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar)

Sam Jam the Cop: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do will be place against you in court…

(as Sam Jam the Cop walks out with Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar, davepoobond quietly picks up the gun, and puts it in his backpocket)

davepoobond (winking): shhh! you didnt see that

 

***

 

(Sam Jam the Cop is in the police car again speaking to the camera)

Dispatch: We got two drug dealers in the alley. They are reported to be armed with automatics. Proceed with caution, wait for backup.

Sam Jam the Cop: We’ve got two drug dealers armed with machine guns. Dispatch is telling me to wait for backup, I think I’ll head there on my own.

(Few seconds later)

(Sam Jam the Cop walks into the scene with Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer and Thomas The Drug Lord. They look drunk and disoriented)

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer (slurring his words): What the heck are you doing here, copper!

Thomas The Drug Lord (slurring his words also): Yeah, get out of here or else we’ll give you lead poisoning!

Sam Jam the Cop: Men, I’m going to have to place you two under arrest for drug dealing.

Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer: Oh no, you won’t!

(Thomas the Drug Lord and Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer pull out guns. They start shooting at Sam (Whom is standing still doing nothing) but they are horribly inaccurate from the drugs)

Sam Jam the Cop: Ha!

(Thomas the Drug Lord and Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer fall down)

(Sam Jam the Cop walks towards Thomas the Drug Lord and Mr. Dan That Was Banned From Madagascar But Is Now a Drug Dealer and begins to cuff them)

Sam Jam the Cop: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be placed against you in court…

 

(end)

 

America’s Least Wanted Episode 1

Billy Washer: Today on America’s Least Wanted we hunt America’s least wanted as we do on every show. Today we sent Johnny Boy to arrest America’s 91st least wanted criminal, the Candy Man. We go on scene with Johnny Boy.

 

5:00 p.m.

 

Johnny Boy: Yeah this job is tough especially when you fuckin’ name at the fuckin’ station and out on fuckin’ patrol is Johnny Boy. Anyway the stupid mother foe we’re lookin’ for is named the Candy Man. Once he paid half price on a piece of taffy and we’d been hunting him down ever since. The store owner said something about a half off sale goin’ on, but we didn’t believe him. I’d like you to meet my buddy who is driving the car. His name is Boingy Boy. Hey, at least I’m not the one with the worst nickname.

 

Camera Guy (thinking): Gee, I wonder what the other Cops nicknames are?

 

Johnny Boy: Boy there’s a lot of stupid nicknames there like; Mooner Boy, Flashy Boy, Bungrolypoly, Bonkelt hippo p h Vandlevirels, sjflsdfklj, that kind of thing.

 

Camera Guy (thinking to himself): Oh Boy next he’s going to tell me that the name of the station is DUMP Police Force. Yeah right. That can’t happen.

 

Johnny Boy: The name of our station is DUMP Police Force.

 

Boingy Boy: Yeah everybody’s name is DUMP. Especially that Bonkelt hippo p h Vandlevirels guy.

 

Computer in the car: BEEEPP Beep Car No. 0 please go to Main and South, Candy Man has been spotted!

 

Johnny Boy: oh great….TURN LEFT TURN LEFT!!!

 

(Boingy Boy turns to the left)

 

Johnny Boy (pouting): and today I thought we’d get first dibs on donuts….

 

Boingy Boy (gritting his teeth): eerrgghh that just makes me MAD!!!

 

(Boingy Boy flips a switch)

(everybody gets launched back into their seats)

 

Johnny Boy: OH NOOO!!! HE PUT THE NITROS ON!!!

 

Camera Guy: AARRGGHHH!!!!

 

(suddenly the car slows down and they see a man walking along the side of the road)

 

Johnny Boy (hanging his head out the window): Excuse me, mister! Are you the Candy Man?

 

Person: Who?

 

Johnny Boy: Did you ever buy a piece of taffy at a store for half price?

 

Person: yeah, a while ago

 

(Johnny Boy and Boingy Boy get out of the car real fast with their guns upholstered pointing toward him)

 

Johnny Boy (pointing the gun at the person): DROP TO THE FLOOR!!!

 

Person: WHAT THE HELL?

 

(Boingy Boy gets out his night stick and clubs him on the head)

 

Boingy Boy: RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!!!

 

(Johnny Boy looks at Boingy Boy)

 

Boingy Boy (shrugging): Hey, I got that from a TV show my son was watching…

 

(Johnny Boy rolls his eyes)

 

Person (holding his head): OW! That REALLY hurt!

 

(Johnny Boy tackles him and puts him down on the floor and cuffs him)

 

Person (from under Johnny Boy): WHAT THE FUCK??? GET OFF ME!!! I DIDN’T DO NUTTIN!!!

 

Johnny Boy: Yeah I’m SURE, CANDY MAN!!!

 

Computer (from inside car): Beep beep, Car No. 0, we have sighted another Candy Man, please proceed to 5th street when your done wrapping things up.

 

(Johnny Boy on top of the person’s back)

 

Johnny Boy (looking down at him): OH HO!! So you got a WHOLE army of you guys?

 

Person: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????

 

(Boingy Boy hits him on the head with the night stick again)

 

Boingy Boy (while hitting him): RESPECT MY AUTHROTAH!!

 

(the person goes out cold)

(Johnny Boy picks up the person and shoves him in the car)

(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy get in the car quickly and drive to 5th Street)

 

Boingy Boy: THERE HE IS!!!

 

(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy get out with their night sticks and start beating the guy up)

 

Boingy Boy, Johnny Boy: RESPECT OUR AUTHORATAH!!!

 

Guy: AAHHH!!!! HELP ME!!!

 

(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy keep whapping the guy with their sticks, cuff him and shove him in the car)

(an old lady goes over to them)

 

Old Lady (waving a finger in their faces): Don’t make me call the police!

 

(Johnny Boy and Boingy Boy look at each other)

 

Boingy Boy: Ma’am we ARE the police

 

Old Lady: Yeah right…

 

(Johnny Boy gets mad and starts whapping the old lady)

 

Johnny Boy: HEY! Fake Teeth the Old Lady, I bet YOU are the Candy Man, cause you have FAKE teeth.

 

(Boingy Boy starts whapping the old lady too)

 

Johnny Boy (while whapping the lady): BAD OLD LADY! BAD!

 

Boingy Boy: RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!!!

 

(Johnny Boy cuffs the old lady and shoves her in the backseat)

 

Johnny Boy (wiping his hands together): Well, that about covers it, lets go back to the station.

 

2:35 a.m.

 

Johnny Boy: Well, because of our goof up on our last little adventure, we have to work overtime until we bust someone that has committed a crime, with no pay….

 

Boingy Boy: DAMMIT!! THIS SUCKS SO MUCH!!!

 

Johnny Boy: Its ok, we won’t be out too long, I know some old geezer that has been doing some stuff that’s really bad

 

Boingy Boy: What’d he do?

 

Johnny Boy: He’s teaching people how to strip, on TV

 

Boingy Boy: What a sicko!

 

Johnny Boy: Yep, that’s his house right there!

 

(the car swerves right into Mr. Rogers’ garage)

(scene goes to Mr. Rogers inside his house)

(we see Mr. Rogers come in through his door)

 

Mr. Rogers: Hello, my neighbors. It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood, a wonderful day.

 

(just then the two cops bust through the door)

 

Boingy Boy: Mr. Rogers, you’re under arrest!

 

Mr. Rogers: What’s da charge?

 

Johnny Boy: Teaching people to strip….on TV!

 

Mr. Rogers: I ain’t goin coppas!

 

(Mr. Rogers breaks for the door but the cops hold him back and punch him to the floor, start beating him up, stand up, take out their guns and shoot him)

 

Johnny Boy (putting his gun away): Well, that’s about it for today…

 

Boingy Boy: Yay…now I can go home

 

(Boingy Boy yawns and scene fades)

 

(end)

 

UPDATE December 23, 1999

dAvE bOnD:  I put up the censored version of DBC, and i also put up a warning before you get into the original DBC.  I put up America’s Least Wanted a while ago and didnt say it in the update, so….i did.  Its at DBC.  Go look at it if you like.  I also put up some song that is dissing britney spears that has been going around in emails.  So, i put it up.  If the person that made the song doesn’t want it up, here’s my reply:  TOUGH!