davepoobond also wrote this.
–
EXT: Yale Campus
Students walk by. BELLS TOLL
CUT TO:
Title Screen “Why Ale? – The FIRST Ivy League school to graduate a TARD”
Bells continue
CUT TO:
HOLDEN, a man with a turned up nose holding a handkerchief, is sitting in a chair.
HOLDEN
Yale. The very mention of it makes
me very excited. Hi, I’m Holden Mc
Fargo. Join me as we take a tour
through Yale. Experience its mystery,
its splendor, and its Gay German
club. Lets start at the beginning.
Who gets accepted to Yale? The
most worthy? The rich kids? No no
no, it’s far more simple than that..
CUT TO
INT: Acceptance office
MAN with stamp is stamping a pile of applications.
MAN
My job is to stamp this pile of
letters… I’m not really sure how
we get all the students accepted
every year… I’m pretty sure I
stamp all of them… (shrugs)
(Hitchcock shot)
[Parts between brackets go on at the same time in split screen]
[
INT: Prestigious bedroom
Hitchcock shot of ARMEN, an overweight Armenian senior, is just waking up. He yawns.
ARMEN
(excited)
Oh boy! My Yale letter!
(runs out)
INT: Messy bedroom
Hitchcock shot of PAULIE, an overweight Caucasian senior, is just waking up. He yawns.
PAULIE
(hung over)
God… that’s bright…
(walks out)
]
[
EXT: Prestigious driveway
Hitchcock shot of mailbox. Armen opens it and gets his acceptance letter.
ARMEN
(screaming like a little girl)
EEEEEEEE! I got in! That
Armenian crap worked!
EXT: Dirty driveway littered with car parts
Hitchcock shot of mailbox. Paulie opens it and gets his regection letter.
PAULIE
(Yelling)
**** ***** ****** **** *****!!! My 4.9
didn’t work! *** **** ******** *******
***!!!!
]
CUT TO
HOLDEN is standing by a fireplace. He lights up a pipe.
HOLDEN
Every year, the Yale Bus, or the
“Yale Yale” as the students prefer
to call it, picks them each up for
their trip to Yale. God I love Yale…
CUT TO
EXT: Street corner
PHILIPE and ARMEN meet.
ARMEN
Hi Philipe, are you taking the Yale
bus to Yale?
PHIILIPE
I believe it’s called the Yale Yale.
ARMEN
Oh.. so are you taking the Yale
Yale to Yale?
PHILIPE
Yale.
ARMEN
Eh?
PHILIPE
It means “yes”.
(Bus pulls up)
BUSDRIVER
All Yale?
KID IN BACK OF LINE
Uh, Harvard?
(bus driver takes out an uzi and mows him down)
BUS DRIVER
(panting)
All Yale?
(everyone nods)
Good..
CUT TO
INT: Den
Paulie is sitting on a sofa eating cottage cheese, watching TV, and hugging a pillow.
CUT TO
HOLDEN is frying eggs.
HOLDEN
Yale University comprises three
major academic components:
Yale College (the undergraduate
program), the Graduate School of
Arts and Sciences, and ten
professional schools. In addition,
Yale encompasses a wide array
of research organizations, libraries
and museums, and administrative
and support offices. Approximately
11,250 students attend Yale. My
wife is a thieving whore.
CUT TO
INT: Classroom at Yale
Armen and Phillipe enter and sit down. SALAD BOWL, the dean, enters wearing “unusual attire”.
SALAD BOWL
First off, I’d like to welcome you all
and congratulate you. Congratulations,
you go to Yale. (everyone applauds)
Yale University is a large research
university with a wide array of
programs, departments, schools,
centers, museums, and affiliated
organizations. This Factsheet
addresses some frequently asked
statistical questions about Yale,
especially those concerning
undergraduate programs. Only a
subset of Yale’s resources are
represented in this Factsheet. For a
fuller view of the University, consult
related web pages that can be reached
via the University “front door” at
www.yale.edu. Now I’d like to welcome
your professor, ROBESPIERRE, the
18th century leader of the Jacobins!
(APPLAUSE)
(Robespierre enters in 18th century French attire)
ROBESPIERRE
Congratulations, you go to Yale.
(everyone applauds) I’m insanely French.
CUT TO
INT: Closet
Robespierre is sitting in front of the camera.
ROBESPIERRE
All the professors at Yale like to
begin classes with applause. Then
we like to say, “Congratulations,
you go to Yale.” Then we applaud
again. I’m French. Eiffel tower.
Blah blah blah.
CUT TO
INT: Closet
Armen is sitting in front of the camera.
ARMEN
All the professors at Yale like to
begin classes with applause. Then
they like to say, “Congratulations,
you go to Yale.” Then we applaud
again. I’m Armenian. System Bro.
Blah blah blah. Wait don’t go yet.
I really do want to talk about Yale-
CUT TO
INT: Paulie’s room. He wakes up and walks out to the kitchen where his MOM is cooking.
PAULIE
Hey… got a cigarette?
MOM
Do I..? Who do you think you are?!
You can’t smoke in my house! BLAH
BLAH BLAH!! (Paulie walks out)
CUT TO
INT: New classroom. CHRISTOPHER LOWELL walks in.
CHRISTOPHER LOWELL
Congratulations, you go to Yale.
(everyone applauds) Eh Uh! ( everyone
says “Eh Uh!” and we cut between
them for a minute)
CUT TO
INT: Closet
Christopher Lowell is sitting in front of the camera.
CHRISTOPHER LOWELL
I remember one time, on one wall,
someone wrote, “Yale sucks. The
only schools that really matters are
Princeton and Princeton because
we’re simply better than you are.”
(Hitchcock shot) Eh Uh! (Cut to
camera guy. He does it too)
CUT TO
INT: Holden is heard behind a bathroom door.
HOLDEN
The Yale Webmaster Team is
responsible for maintaining accounts
and services on the institutional web
server. The Webmaster pages contain
information on web publishing, policies,
privacy, and access to summary reports
of server logs.
CUT TO
EXT: Paulie is asking random people for cigarettes
CUT TO
INT: Dormroom
STUDENT1 and STUDENT2 are talking
STUDENT1
Yale yale yale yale yale.
STUDENT2
Yale yale yale yale! Yale?
STUDENT1
Yale…
CUT TO
EXT: Street in front of Yale
People are doing normal crap. Some kids run in chasing a Jet. He jumps into their arms and shouts “JEEETS!”. Everyone drops what they’re doing and gets into formation. Musical dance number with Nick’s Yale song ensues.
CUT TO
INT: Holden’s pad.
Holden is holding his bloody hand.
HOLDEN
Each Yale undergraduate belongs
to one of the residential colleges.
Most students live there after their
freshman year (most first-year
students live together on Old Campus)
and take their meals there; some
courses and many extracurricular
activities are organized by the
individual colleges; and a great deal
of socializing with classmates, faculty,
and others is centered in the colleges.
The Yale College Undergraduate
Admissions Web site provides a more
extensive overview of the residential
college system, and the Yale College
Online Tour presents a range of visual
experiences of residential college life.
I ain’t got no college degree you stupid
asses. YOU stupid. Asses.
CUT TO
INT: Classroom
JOEL, the film professor, is sitting in front of the camera.
JOEL
Mmmyes, here in Yale we have many films
and yeah… here’s one of them. (shows
a film where Dave eats stuff in slow
motion) Wonderful. (shows a PSA that is
not hitchknifer)
CUT TO
INT: Classroom
FRANZ is in front of the camera
FRANZ
I run the German club yes?
HAHAHAHA! Emerging in response
to student initiative and creativity
during the 1960’s, the Gay German
Cultural Center at Yale University
seeks to develop an environment in
which cultural diversity is understood
and respected throughout the campus
community and beyond. Helping Yale
University to be responsive to the
cultural, intellectual, developmental
and social needs of a complex and
diverse student body, the Center
incorporates undergraduate, graduate
and professional students, faculty,
administrators, Chinese Hockey Team, alumni, and
members of the New Haven community
into a constituency of common interests.
Symbolizing “home” for those who
aspire to greater understanding and
appreciation of Gay German and African
culture, the Center and its student
organizations provide a wide range of
academic support and advisement,
leadership skills training, and
cultural/socio-political programming.
Events such as lectures, poetry slams,
cultural center teas, political forums,
tutoring and mentoring of youth in New
Haven, and a host of stimulating activities
take place regularly. Among the annual
events are:
Gay German Student Welcome Reception and
Open House, Gay German Solidarity Conference,
Parents Weekend Classical Music Recital,
Yale/Harvard Game Activities, Alumni Career
Panel, Movie Nights, Gay German
Graduate/Undergraduate Mentor Night,
Kwanzaa Ceremony, Weekly Study Breaks,
Art Gallery Exhibits, Martin Luther King
Commemoration, Gay German History Month
Celebration, Achievement Awards Banquet
and Gay German Graduates’ Celebration.
HO HA HO HA!!
CUT TO
INT: Classroom
FREUDOXI, the team captain of the Chinese hockey team, is sitting in front of the camera.
FREUDOXI
The programs, services and
activities of the Chinese Hockey
Team Cultural Center are
administered by the director, who
also serves as an assistant dean
of Yale College. Assistance in
conducting the Center’s affairs is
provided by two graduate student
Chinese Hockey Team, and a
team of ten undergraduate student
Chinese Hockey Team members.
With a cadre of student peer
counselors (ethnic counselors),
the assistant dean/director offers
academic advising, personal
counseling, guidance, referral, and
problem-solving services. In
addition, the Chinese Hockey
Team produces a bi-monthly
newsletter and annual
intercollegiate magazine: Black Ivy.
All members of the Yale community
are welcome.
CUT TO
INT: Classroom
SPLINTER, the ninja club curator, is in front of the camera
SPLINTER
Ninjas can kill anyone they want!
Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time
and don’t even think twice about it.
These guys are so crazy and
awesome that they flip out ALL the
time. I heard that there was this
ninja who was eating at a diner.
And when some dude dropped a
spoon the ninja killed the whole town.
My friend Mark said that he saw a
ninja totally uppercut some kid just
because the kid opened a window.
And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate
Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you don’t believe that ninjas have
REAL Ultimate Power you better get
a life right now or they will chop your
head off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you
ask me.
Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet
that I want to crap my pants. I can’t
believe it sometimes, but I feel it
inside my heart. These guys are
totally awesome and that’s a fact.
Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong,
powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to
start yoga next year. I love ninjas
with all of my body (including my pee pee).
CUT TO
Title screen “GO TO YALE”