Billy Washer: Today on America’s Least Wanted we hunt America’s least wanted as we do on every show. Today we sent Johnny Boy to arrest America’s 91st least wanted criminal, the Candy Man. We go on scene with Johnny Boy.
Johnny Boy: Yeah this job is tough especially when you fuckin’ name at the fuckin’ station and out on fuckin’ patrol is Johnny Boy. Anyway the stupid mother foe we’re lookin’ for is named the Candy Man. Once he paid half price on a piece of taffy and we’d been hunting him down ever since. The store owner said something about a half off sale goin’ on, but we didn’t believe him. I’d like you to meet my buddy who is driving the car. His name is Boingy Boy. Hey, at least I’m not the one with the worst nickname.
Camera Guy (thinking): Gee, I wonder what the other Cops nicknames are?
Johnny Boy: Boy there’s a lot of stupid nicknames there like; Mooner Boy, Flashy Boy, Bungrolypoly, Bonkelt hippo p h Vandlevirels, sjflsdfklj, that kind of thing.
Camera Guy (thinking to himself): Oh Boy next he’s going to tell me that the name of the station is DUMP Police Force. Yeah right. That can’t happen.
Johnny Boy: The name of our station is DUMP Police Force.
Boingy Boy: Yeah everybody’s name is DUMP. Especially that Bonkelt hippo p h Vandlevirels guy.
Computer in the car: BEEEPP Beep Car No. 0 please go to Main and South, Candy Man has been spotted!
Johnny Boy: oh great….TURN LEFT TURN LEFT!!!
(Boingy Boy turns to the left)
Johnny Boy (pouting): and today I thought we’d get first dibs on donuts….
Boingy Boy (gritting his teeth): eerrgghh that just makes me MAD!!!
(Boingy Boy flips a switch)
(everybody gets launched back into their seats)
Johnny Boy: OH NOOO!!! HE PUT THE NITROS ON!!!
Camera Guy: AARRGGHHH!!!!
(suddenly the car slows down and they see a man walking along the side of the road)
Johnny Boy (hanging his head out the window): Excuse me, mister! Are you the Candy Man?
Johnny Boy: Did you ever buy a piece of taffy at a store for half price?
Person: yeah, a while ago
(Johnny Boy and Boingy Boy get out of the car real fast with their guns upholstered pointing toward him)
Johnny Boy (pointing the gun at the person): DROP TO THE FLOOR!!!
Person: WHAT THE HELL?
(Boingy Boy gets out his night stick and clubs him on the head)
Boingy Boy: RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!!!
(Johnny Boy looks at Boingy Boy)
Boingy Boy (shrugging): Hey, I got that from a TV show my son was watching…
(Johnny Boy rolls his eyes)
Person (holding his head): OW! That REALLY hurt!
(Johnny Boy tackles him and puts him down on the floor and cuffs him)
Person (from under Johnny Boy): WHAT THE FUCK??? GET OFF ME!!! I DIDN’T DO NUTTIN!!!
Johnny Boy: Yeah I’m SURE, CANDY MAN!!!
Computer (from inside car): Beep beep, Car No. 0, we have sighted another Candy Man, please proceed to 5th street when your done wrapping things up.
(Johnny Boy on top of the person’s back)
Johnny Boy (looking down at him): OH HO!! So you got a WHOLE army of you guys?
Person: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????
(Boingy Boy hits him on the head with the night stick again)
Boingy Boy (while hitting him): RESPECT MY AUTHROTAH!!
(the person goes out cold)
(Johnny Boy picks up the person and shoves him in the car)
(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy get in the car quickly and drive to 5th Street)
Boingy Boy: THERE HE IS!!!
(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy get out with their night sticks and start beating the guy up)
Boingy Boy, Johnny Boy: RESPECT OUR AUTHORATAH!!!
Guy: AAHHH!!!! HELP ME!!!
(Boingy Boy and Johnny Boy keep whapping the guy with their sticks, cuff him and shove him in the car)
(an old lady goes over to them)
Old Lady (waving a finger in their faces): Don’t make me call the police!
(Johnny Boy and Boingy Boy look at each other)
Boingy Boy: Ma’am we ARE the police
Old Lady: Yeah right…
(Johnny Boy gets mad and starts whapping the old lady)
Johnny Boy: HEY! Fake Teeth the Old Lady, I bet YOU are the Candy Man, cause you have FAKE teeth.
(Boingy Boy starts whapping the old lady too)
Johnny Boy (while whapping the lady): BAD OLD LADY! BAD!
Boingy Boy: RESPECT MY AUTHORATAH!!!
(Johnny Boy cuffs the old lady and shoves her in the backseat)
Johnny Boy (wiping his hands together): Well, that about covers it, lets go back to the station.
Johnny Boy: Well, because of our goof up on our last little adventure, we have to work overtime until we bust someone that has committed a crime, with no pay….
Boingy Boy: DAMMIT!! THIS SUCKS SO MUCH!!!
Johnny Boy: Its ok, we won’t be out too long, I know some old geezer that has been doing some stuff that’s really bad
Boingy Boy: What’d he do?
Johnny Boy: He’s teaching people how to strip, on TV
Boingy Boy: What a sicko!
Johnny Boy: Yep, that’s his house right there!
(the car swerves right into Mr. Rogers’ garage)
(scene goes to Mr. Rogers inside his house)
(we see Mr. Rogers come in through his door)
Mr. Rogers: Hello, my neighbors. It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood, a wonderful day.
(just then the two cops bust through the door)
Boingy Boy: Mr. Rogers, you’re under arrest!
Mr. Rogers: What’s da charge?
Johnny Boy: Teaching people to strip….on TV!
Mr. Rogers: I ain’t goin coppas!
(Mr. Rogers breaks for the door but the cops hold him back and punch him to the floor, start beating him up, stand up, take out their guns and shoot him)
Johnny Boy (putting his gun away): Well, that’s about it for today…
Boingy Boy: Yay…now I can go home
(Boingy Boy yawns and scene fades)