One day there was a family of cranes nesting happily below a huge fountain at an amusement park. There were six cranes in all, happily living life, feeding from the crumbs dropped by the forever-eating patrons of the amusement park.
There was the mother, Sealee, and her beautiful husband, Archibald, who had four wonderful crane children. The two oldest were twins, String Bean 1 and String Bean 2 (also known as The Twins String Bean collectively), followed by their sister Celithrulith and lastly, but certainly not least, came beautiful baby Stotch.
Stotch was only a few months old but was already showing great signs of growing up into a prestigious adult male. He was the crown jewel of the family, because he was really pretty, cause he was a male, and males are pretty, and the only thing Sealee and Archibald would talk about to the other cranes they met while flying around the amusement park at night when all the a-hole tourists are gone. However, because they were not as important as the new baby, the three sisters secretly met in the one place their parents would never think to look — the bathroom — in order to find a way to get rid of “stupid baby Stotch.”
“We could strangle him!” the Twins String Bean shouted in the refracting walls of the bathroom.
“NOT SO LOUD!” Celi, short for Celithrulith, screeched at the twins. “Strangling MIGHT be the best option, since us cranes have fragile necks….!”
The Twins String Bean started laughing in unison.
“But what should we strangle him with?!?” 1 said.
2 said, “Rope?”
1 said, “String?”
2 said, “A sweater?”
1 said, “A bowling ball?”
1 and 2 started rattling off random objects for about two minutes when Celi finally came to an epiphany.
All three cranes started squawking in excitement! Masking tape was the worst feeling in the world for their feathers. It stuck to it like no other adhesive and when you took it off, it took some feathers with it!
It was three weeks since the death of Stotch… and the investigation was going nowhere! Due to the chains of bureaucracy in the town of Beauracracy, also the fact that Tax-Free Furniture Week has been going on for three weeks no one gave a shit about the murder of a lowly no-tax-paying crane. Sealee and Archibald had been crying ever since they found young Stotch strangled behind the river rapids depot, with the feathers around his neck ripped off. His poor, fragile, neck had to been bent in an awkward direction. As the tide came in at the river rapids, his body had traveled from where the murder had actually taken place, which still has yet to be found.
Sealee and Archibald spent the coming weeks in the company of their religious community, with Father Snewrug holding a ceremony for Stotch’s burial. The three sisters, silently happy that all has been going according to plan, played along with the proceedings, no one the wiser that the murderers were with them the whole time.
Stotch’s spirit roamed the grounds of the amusement park for hundreds of years, as the Stotch the Crane Spirit became a theme during the Halloween event. Eventually the park, renamed Stotch’s Scary Crane Park could not sustain on ghost stories alone. It was closed down, and Stotch was truly alone, the images of his murder playing in his mind over and over. Globs of masking tape littered the abandoned amusement park like tumbleweed, blowing across the landscape.
Stotch’s colors were very beautiful, even for a ghost. It was what made him so noticeable when he appeared to people squawking in their faces. Occasionally he would have been seen staring at people with his mouth wide open as he “watched” people going to the bathroom. The things you can get away with as a ghost!
Stotch was feeling particularly even more alone than usual once the amusement park had been closed down. It seemed like no one really cared about him, and there weren’t even any ghost-themed investigation reality TV shows coming to see find him anymore.
The abandoned amusement park was once again occupied when a sect of the human race, known scientifically as “Hipsters” began moving in. They thought it would be so cool to live in an abandoned amusement park where no one would be able to criticize their tight jeans and hipster-sounding music. They would have movie nights where they could watch all the classics, like Gone With the Windie Rock Festival, and The Fantastic Mr. Anti-Establishment Tight Jean Designer.
Ah, yes, life was grand in the old spooky haunted abandoned amusement park full of hipsters. That was, until Stotch had enough of the hipster crap and Hot Topic receipts littering his home! One by one, Stotch squawked very loudly in the face of each hipster, appearing and disappearing in a blinding flash. Not only was he assaulting their senses, but he was ruining their movie nights and their mini-musical festivals that hipsters always like to say they attend.
Hipster-Honcho Jake Guldinthal, leader of the Hipsters proclaimed that all of his friends (also known as “subjects” in non-hipster lingo) should perform a séance to rid themselves of their ghostly companion. His squawking ruined the best scene in Clearance-Priced Wedding, where the Princess of Bargain Bin Town finally said “I DO” to the Prince of Upscale Department Store Town and had a 50 minute-long lovemaking scene in which there was no nudity, and only money being used to touch each other. It had something to do with using money for not-its-intended-purposes or something like that. The movie ended with a wad of sweaty cash being thrown into the trash can. Stotch’s fifty-one minute squawk would probably be a world record. But, alas, the Hipster Congregation’s Hipster Council met in the Merry Go-Round to discuss their ghost infestation. The only solution was to summon the bird into the open and shoo him away for good.
The cheapest psychic in the area, Jorge Yulonzagonez, a half Chinese, half Mexican, half Japanese man was hired to get rid of the ghost. Now, you might be asking why this man is three halves of a person. That’s because he is a conjoined “twin” with two heads, but both heads have the same consciousness. Don’t ask why, but both brains work in unison with each other and when he speaks, both heads speak at the same time. Sometimes he’s able to make one of them not say anything, if he’s making a joke, though.
Jorge Yulonzagonez came by in his station wagon, and the hipsters were all in a large circle around the bathroom building – the place where most of the activity seems to originate. Jorge’s two heads spoke in unison, “Hello, my friends . We are here today to exterminate this ghost of the day… this ghost of the night… this ghost that has been ruining your hipster musical festivals! How dare this ghost ruin movie night and make your sensitive man leggings stretch further than they are meant to stretch!”
At that moment, Jimmy Santiago broke down and began to cry into his hands. Those around him comforted him.
Jorge pointed towards Jimmy. “It will be alright, my friend! This puta will pay for the crimes he has committed! Just because he’s a ghost, doesn’t give him free reign on being a jerk!”
Jimmy Santiago agreed with the empowering words and patted his comforting friends on the shoulder, thanking them for their support.
“Now, let us join hands and begin the expunging of this fowl ghost!” Jorge got on top of a random box and began waving his hands around like a bird.
“CAW… CAW CAW!!! SHOO GHOST! SHOO! LEAVE THIS PLACE!!” Jorge squawked like a bird.
Stotch screeched a howling screech that made all of the hipsters start dancing. It sounded just like one of those bands they had at their last indie music festival, that they didn’t realize that it was actually a ghost!
Stotch manifested in front of Jorge, unable to disappear. He stood in place and flapped his wings in an aggressive fashion.
Jorge pointed to Stotch. “YOU! GHOST!!! LEAVE THIS PLACE IMMEADIATELY!”
Stotch fluttered his feathers. “Who are you to tell me to leave this place? I’ve lived here for a very long time and if you think some two-headed jerk can make me leave after what I’ve endured these years, you’ve got another thing coming, sir. I was murdered in a bathroom and dumped into an amusement park water ride by my own jealous sisters!”
The hipsters all started crying. It was like the plot from their favorite sappy movie that they never knew existed. The only thing missing was a flight jacket and some ripped tight jeans with some shaggy hair cut.
Just then, a fleet of Versikons, a flying human species that is known to be a Hipster’s predator, swooped in on the crowd of crying hipsters. They all dispersed and ran away crying into the distance as a few of them were lifted into the air and had their musical tastes demeaned by the Versikons. Soon the Hipsters left the amusement park entirely, and only Jorge and Stotch remained.
“I didn’t see that coming.” Jorge said from both of his heads.
“Well, onto the next abandoned amusement park, eh Stotch?” Jorge continued.
Jorge hopped onto Stotch and rode off into the sunset. As they rode away, three female crane ghosts fluttered in the air. On each neck hung shreds of masking tape…!