Sophie: You haven’t given me a speaking part in over a year.

Sussman: I haven’t written in over a year.

Sophie: Bullshit. Pet me.

Sussman: Why would I want to do that?

Sophie: Either pet me or I urinate in your shoes.

Sussman: No way, those are my shoes! (Pets Sophie.)

Sophie: Yes, that’s right. That’s where the money is.

(Sussman stops petting Sophie.)

Sophie: What the hell?

Sussman: I want to watch TV.

Sophie: Keep petting me!

Sussman: No, I want to watch some TV.

Sophie: Fine, turn it to American Idol. I love watching that British judge, Simon, make fun of the bad singers.

Sussman: We’re not watching American Idol. We’re watching the NBA Playoffs.

Sophie: That sucks.

Sussman: You suck!

The 2002-03 Cleveland Cavaliers: We suck!

Sophie: Get your candy asses out of here. Come back when you draft LeBron James.

Sussman: That ain’t gonna happen. Memphis is gonna draft LeBron.

Sophie: You callin’ me a liar, bitch?

Sussman: No, I’m callin’ you a BITCH, LIAR!

Sophie: That’s it. Get down on your knees and rub my tummy!

Sussman: Ew, no. I don’t go on the floor. That’s where you live.

Sophie: Come down to my house so I can kick your pasty white ass!

Simon, the British judge: Sophie, I think you have what it takes to be the next order of Chinese food.

Sussman: Exactly as I thought. Take ’em away, Yao.

Yao Ming: (Bumps head on ceiling.)

(Note: No Cavaliers won any basketball games in the making of this film.)