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USA: Bush Spends 87 Billion Dollars, Saying Its Necessary

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This entry is part 1 of 4 in the series This Is Satire

This is supposed to be like a parody kind of thing, of an actual news story, so its supposed to be taken as if this actually happened, but it didn’t.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — On September 10, 2003, Bush held a press conference saying how important it is to spend 87 billion dollars, increasing the deficit from 475 billion to 525 billion (I don’t see how that adds up to 87 billion).

Suspiciously, Bush showed up to the press conference with new, assorted jewelry, and about 50 tons of silver trailing behind him. When asked how we are going to pay for the recent increase in the ever-growing deficit, Bush replied with saying that paying back the money is an “absurd notion.” Bush also said that “spending money that we don’t have is fun,” implying that Bush will do nothing to actually decrease the deficit spending.

After the press conference, public opinion was against the new 87 billion dollars needed, as polled by MSNBC. The poll results indicated that 24% were for, 25% were against and 51% were undecided.

“Its just crazy, I tell you! That stupid fucking Bush. The only thing he’s good for is taking a piss behind. But even then you have to watch out for the lizards that’ll jump out and bite penises off!” screamed a local grocery store bag boy. He continued to scream obscenties, that would not be ethical to write down on paper for children’s virgin eyes to see.

“I think that it’ll help out in the fight against terrorism,” said Joan, a soccer mom. “It always creeps me out when I see one of those guys with the long beards or the turbans or one of those things that makes them scream ‘I’m Middle Eastern’ to everyone without having to actually hear them say it. They’re just askin’ for it. Allah Ackbar to you, Mr. Middle Eastern! Let’s see how you like it when I drive my fucking minivan into your fucking house in the middle of the night, and unleash the terror that is a soccer team in a minivan after a 2 hour game without any Capri-Suns!”

“My mom will kick your ass! She wears the pants in the family!” screamed an annoying little 5 year old as I walked away. I flicked him off, and unfortunately his mom saw, and she took a crowbar to my head that she pulled out of her ass. That woman has a huge ass. I am lucky to be alive today, writing this article.

“Bush is going to keep asking for more and more money. You know what he’s REALLY spending it on? Tank tracks. That’s what it is. Its so obviously tank tracks, because they’re like 3 million dollars a piece, y’know? And because they’re in the soft sandy desert, the tank tracks get really worn out. I’ll tell you what he’s NOT spending it on though. Himself. Who cares if he has 87 billion dollars of new assorted jewelry he got a couple of days after he asked for more money? Its the tank tracks that do it,” said a local everyday, in-the-norm jeweler.

“Y’know what I’d do with that money? Buy France. Stupid France is always fucking us in the face. IN THE FACE. I mean France is really worth like 5 dollars? I mean, after the Napoleonic era, there wasn’t much to look forward to when it came to France. They’re fucking chocolate makers for crying out loud! Well…that’s what the white house said in one of their press conferences. It tickled my belly,” said a drunken farmer named Ted. “Scooby Doo is a good movie, no matter what you fucks say!” screamed Ted as he was hit by a semi truck.

This reporter once thought that we were getting only one Bush, but it ends up that we’re actually getting one in the bush and 2 in the tush, when it comes to the money question.Squackle was down from May 30th to September 18th.

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Original article about public opinion

http://www.msnbc.com/news/966489.asp (Not functioning anymore)

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Original article about Bush talking about spending money.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/09/10/sprj.irq.bush.request/index.html

World, Screwed Up Chronicles

The Metric System is for Wussies

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This entry is part 2 of 4 in the series This Is Satire

This was written as an editorial and given as a speech in front of dave’s 12th grade English class.

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America has come to be the most advanced country in the world. We are a super power, yet we don’t use the metric system, like the rest of the world. Sure, you could say that the U.S. is trying to be different than all the other countries of the world, kind of like how we have cars with the drivers on the left side. But, this is not the case.

The reason America does not change to the metric system, is because the metric system is for wussies. Everything is so easy in the metric system, a scientist may say. Everything goes in increments of ten. Well maybe we don’t want to go in increments of ten. We assert ourselves against this, because we’d rather go in increments of different numbers that don’t have any relation between them. I have grown to love the Imperial/US System of measurement. I can guess how far a mile is better than a kilometer. A mile is a lot more efficient to use than a kilometer, in the U.S. One mile is easier to say than 1.609 kilometers, for instance. If you said you had to run the 1.609 kilometer in P.E. today, nobody is going to understand what that means. They’re probably going to think it was some cheesy relay race.

Besides that, if we actually DID change to the metric system, we’d have to spend billions of dollars changing all the street signs to say 1.609 km to the next exit, and its variables. This money would have been spent on Medicare or helping the homeless, or building another shiny new air craft carrier with a big bow on it, but no, its going to be spent on changing street signs. Street signs too much money to replace.

The movement for the metric system is just another example of a minority ruining it for the majority. What does the majority think? Of course, they’d probably want the system they’ve grown up with their whole lives, and have used almost everyday of their lives. If the metric system were to be in place, all monetary issues aside, it would take a few generations to flush out the use of inches and feet. Textbooks would have to be replaced and tracks would have to be redesigned. The whole sport of football will just become one big confusing experience. Football fields would be made to have 91.44 meters instead of 100 yards. Hooray, he’s made it to the 55.82 meter line! The metric system will go so far as to ruin the way we eat. Gone are the days of using a tablespoon, you have to use a slightly bigger version of it, called the Fifteen Milliliterspoon. How fun is that? Now we have to buy all-new silverware!

However, if we did have the metric system in place, the only conceivable advantage would be that it is easy. It is a lot easier to say how many meters are in a kilometer than it is to say how many feet are in a mile. Everything has some sort of relation to them, and whoever made it thought it just made sense how it is.

However, things are the way they are for a reason. The reason is because it’s been in place since the beginning of the United States, no better reason than that. Nothing good can come out of converting to the metric system. The only thing that CAN come out of it is the spending of money. People are used to the way things are, and there is no reason to change. For those that had tried to change to the metric system, they just had to spend even more money to convert back to the way they had it before. We’ve done without it for 200 years, why not for the rest of time?

Games

Take Two Buys EA – TTEA Is Made

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This entry is part 3 of 4 in the series This Is Satire

Teastounding!

In what could be an astounding chain of events, Take Two has announced they have bought Electronic Arts.  Not disclosing any details of the transaction, Take Two interim CEO Benjamin Feder is hailed as a mastermind of negotiation.

“This isn’t some herbal supplement we’ve got here.” elaborated Chairman of the Board Strauss Zelnick.  “This is real Earl Grey tea.  None of that flavored stuff you get at some knock-off Trader Joes kind of place.”

The new company will be named TTEA – pronounced “Tuh-tee.”

You can expect to see a lot more games based on tea, starting with the spin-off of the Grand Theft Auto series, GTeA.

GTeA follows a know-nothing Eastern-European criminal that makes his way to the top of the tea industry, finding out the best way to make tea.  Platforms announced are the PS3 and 360. The Wii will also be getting its own delightful version of GTeA called GTeAWii in which you can actually stir the tea before giving it to your gangster friends.

Merchandising for GTeA will include a special brand of Tea, aptly named, GTeA.  One teabag of actual GTeA will come with each copy of the GTeA game, with whole packages being sold exclusively through Amazon.com.

“We feel that giving the user the ability to experience the tea that they see, hear, and make in the game is important to the synergy of the game and this merger,” newly appointed Chief of Tea John Riccitiello.

Commenting on the merger between Take Two, EA, and his new appointing in the corporate structure at TTEA, John Ricciteiello is “glad to finally be able to focus on what my life has really been all about — tea.  I hate all that money talk, what’s it all matter if you can’t get a good cup of tea at the end of the day?  I’ll make sure that every employee at TTEA gets the tea they deserve, as Chief of Tea.”

In the coming weeks, the board of TTEA will re-evaluate every single product that has begun development in the past year to refocus on making their games more “tea-oriented.”

“It’s unfortunate that so many games will be released before we are able to re-evaluate the value of releasing games that do not have anything to do with tea, but rest assure that BioShock 2 will be all about rescuing a crate of tea from the hands of that Colombian guy with the donkey who shows up in your window randomly and makes people drink evil coffee.  Oops, I didn’t just give away the story did I?” Strauss Zelnick stated at the press conference.

As a result of the announcement, Activision Blizzard has shown no remorse in the affability of the new mega-corporation’s name, simply stating “Ours is worse.”

Games

This Is Satire – Civil Engineers Appalled At Grand Theft Auto IV

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This entry is part 4 of 4 in the series This Is Satire

Citing a gross misrepresentation on the stability of streetlights in Grand Theft Auto IV, the Furiously Angered Civil Engineers Union (FACEU) has held a press event in the Civil Engineering capital of the world, the GameStop on Foothill Avenue in Arcadia, California.

Don Southerby, Chairman of the FACEU, said in his opening statement that his organization feels that Grand Theft Auto IV is an insult to Civil Engineers everywhere and should be pulled off its shelves, not for its varied measures of allegedly extreme violence sprinkled throughout the game, but for its “sickening misuse of Civil Engineer equipment, such as barrels full of water, orange cones, off-colored barricades, and traffic laws.” Afraid that since only children play the game, not people that drive cars, they will think that it is normal to drive like maniacs endangering all around them.

What Don Southerby was really steamed about, however, was the fact that “streetlights are depicted as frail poles swaying in the wind that a car can simply sweep off its feet and be disconnected from the power grid with little to no damage to the car. In the real world, streetlights are powerful and a car can not simply run through it. Streetlights are built stronger than trees, yet not a tree in Grand Theft Auto IV can be run down!”

Don Southerby continued, “Do you know how many streetlights prevent drunk drivers from continuing their drunken rampage? A LOT. We owe a lot to streetlights in this country and without them the world would be a cold, dark place 12 hours out of the day. Not only that, but Grand Theft Auto IV does not punish players for not following traffic laws. Traffic laws are handcrafted by painstaking research of traffic patterns at each and every stoplight out there. Running red lights in this game does not show the respect to all those Civil Engineers who risk their livelihood everyday out on the streets.”

The FACEU’s Environmental sects have also railed Rockstar Games, maker of Grand Theft Auto IV, for misrepresenting trees and grass in the game. “Trees and grass do not look like that,” said one of the supporters at the FACEU press event.

After the rally had taken its course, many attendees bought copies of GTAIV, commenting that they were “planning on burning it later where the fire would not threaten any street signs or road pavement.”

Don Southerby closed the rally, with the following comments, “FACEU will not support any game that gives you high scores for destroying streetlights and Civil Engineering equipment. These vital parts of society are here for a reason and not meant to frivolously be obliterated by people who do not follow traffic laws.”